Tag Archives: Patriotism

  Rudy Can't Fail

Rudy Giuliani Isn’t Racist, Just Can’t Stand That White Guy Who’s President

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani clarified his recent comments about Barack Obama yesterday, explaining that when he said that Barack Obama “doesn’t love America,” he was “not questioning his patriotism.” That’s actually true: Giuliani wasn’t questioning Obama’s patriotism; he was saying outright that Obama just plain doesn’t have any. Read more on Rudy Giuliani Isn’t Racist, Just Can’t Stand That White Guy Who’s President…
  A Noun A Verb A Dogwhistle

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, Did You Ever Notice Obama’s Not One Of Us? If You Know What I Mean?

Screw you too, pal
Apparently tired of being associated with competent mayoring on 9/11 and then never shutting up about it, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani seems determined to reframe his legacy. Why he’d decide that acting like the Second Coming of Lester Maddox is a bit of a mystery, though. At a private dinner for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Wednesday, Giuliani shared his suspicion that Barack Obama doesn’t really love America because he’s a weirdo foreigner. Giuliani was careful to note that he only pointed this out because he cares. Read more on Rudy Giuliani: Hey, Did You Ever Notice Obama’s Not One Of Us? If You Know What I Mean?…
  Where's Gen. Sherman When We Need Him?

Georgia Senate Demands A.P. History Only Teach About Shiny, Happy America

George Washington crossing the Red River
The Georgia Senate is considering a resolution condemning changes to the Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) test, because they’re worried the new framework doesn’t adequately teach high schoolers how wonderful America is. Georgia is only the latest of several states to have itself a nice freakout over the College Board’s new APUSH framework since the Republican National Committee complained last August that it presented a “consistently negative view of American history.” Read more on Georgia Senate Demands A.P. History Only Teach About Shiny, Happy America…
  Attack Of The 50-Foot Straw Man

Fox’s Gretchen Carlson Tells Protesting Colorado Punks To Love It Or Leave It

Hey, Kids, you won one! Now get back to studying!
Fox News lady Gretchen Carlson has just about had it with these radical extremist Denver-area high school students and their unruly protests over proposed changes to the history curriculum. The walkouts have continued all week, and have spread to additional schools. And by golly, Gretchen is angry that these kids would dare to object to the school board’s simple wish that they learn patriotism and respect for authority. Read more on Fox’s Gretchen Carlson Tells Protesting Colorado Punks To Love It Or Leave It…
  Founding Fodder

Colorado Students Ditch Class, Refuse To Love America

George Washington crossing the Red River
Students at several Denver-area high schools walked out of classes Monday and Tuesday to protest a proposal by conservative school board members to make the district’s Advanced Placement U.S. History classes more patriotic and America-loving. The board, sharing widespread concerns that revisions to the AP US History framework will be nothing but liberal propaganda, recently proposed a committee that would make sure school curricula only taught Goodthink: Read more on Colorado Students Ditch Class, Refuse To Love America…
  loyalty oaf

Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All

American torture hero and semiemployed former congressjerk Allen West is very, very concerned about this “Tammy Duckworth” person having agreed to be on the Big BenghaziPalooza Special Committee, because how can Americans be sure she actually loves America, and is not some kind of legless traitor like Max Cleland? Read more on Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth

Hi, Wonkaloonies! Yr Doktor Zoom really enjoyed “sleeping in” this week! But we are back from vacation now, and ready for another Derp Roundup, our weekly Sloppy Joe of news trimmings that were too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite enough to make a full post out of. We have to use ’em before they start to turn. Verily, this is the Arby-Q of Wonket posts. We’ll start off with the tale of Petr Pavlensky, a Russian “conceptual artist” who won’t be conceiving anything for a little while now, since he went and nailed his nutsack to the cobbles of Red Square to protest…um… well, we thought it was to protest the imprisonment of Pussy Riot, but no, for that, he sewed his mouth shut. This time he sat down in front of Lenin’s Mausoleum and pounded a large nail through his scrotum into the pavement. Pavlensky explained in a post-arrest statement that the nut-nailing “can be seen as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” It’s nice when you’re able to combine your hobbies with your activism. Gawker notes that police used “a claw hammer” to bring the protest to an abrupt end (yes, we just felt several hundred of you wince). Efficient, but wouldn’t poetic justice have been better served with a ball peen hammer? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Walk On The Vile Side

Welcome to a Very Special Armistice Day Edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly accumulation of arglebargle that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on. Let’s ring in the Derp with this bit o’ conspiracy theorizin': Mitt Romney mighta won the 2012 election if only that power-mad Obama dictator hadn’t wiretapped his phone. (Not that Obama actually did, but you know, NSA HAARP Chemtrails Benghazi IRS.) thing is, he COULD have! Nixon did stuff, after all, and everything Obama does is worse than Watergate, which means Romney never had a chance because spying. Oh, and also the problem of just being Mitt Goddamn Rich Asshole Romney, which we’re pretty sure was somehow Barry’s fault, too. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Walk On The Vile Side…
  jazz hands!

March Of Armed Lunatics On Nation’s Capital To Be ‘Well-Choreographed,’ Thank Heavens

Everyone knows that literally the only thing wrong with America is that we are racist against guns. This deficiency of our national character has proved vexingly difficult to correct, even with all the flattering press guns have been enjoying lately. But that’s all about to change, because nutty radio-man Adam Kokesh is the MLK your weapons would be yearning for, if they had feelings! Read more on March Of Armed Lunatics On Nation’s Capital To Be ‘Well-Choreographed,’ Thank Heavens…
  Blood and Nuts

Wonket’s Super Happy Love Shine Fun Pal (Who Is Not At All A Deranged Assbag) Bradlee Dean Explains How Word Salad Will Save America From Tyranny

Wow, Your Wonkette is maybe in danger of becoming Bradlee Dean Fanservice Central, but let us just say, the man does keep giving, does he not? Let us not forget that, when he’s not having his lackeys send empty legal threats to innocent mommyblogs, Mr. Dean also has a very important job as a professional word-typer for WorldNutDaily, “the number-one news source in the world,” according to Dean’s very own promotional video. And as it happens, Bradlee Dean has a new WND column out right now, on the very important topic of “How To Shut Down a Tyrant”! That sounds pretty important, so let’s see what advice Mr. Dean has for ending the human rights abuses of Bashar al-Assad, or maybe Kim Jong Un. Ha-ha, that was a jest, you see, because the tyrant that really has Mr. Dean exercised is of course, “Tyrant Barack Hussein Obama.” Far be it from us to nitpick, but we would like to point out that “Tyrant” is neither Mr. Obama’s name nor his title. He’s the Kenyan Usurper. This is basic fact-checking, dude. Read more on Wonket’s Super Happy Love Shine Fun Pal (Who Is Not At All A Deranged Assbag) Bradlee Dean Explains How Word Salad Will Save America From Tyranny…
  start 'em young

Patriotic Children’s Book Here To Rescue Your Child From Socialism

Are little Jimmy and Janie coming home from school with a bunch of godless socialist ideas about “redistributing toys to other kids who haven’t had a turn” and “waiting in communist bread lines to go out to recess?”  If you are worried this kind of Soviet indoctrination is taking hold of your youngster in our nation’s underfunded miniature socialist learning labs, well then, the Internet has a thing for you. “One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots” is an actual book (remember those?) for parents to read to their kids in case they noticed God and gun rights weren’t mentioned enough times in their civics homework. Let’s take a peek at our lessons! Read more on Patriotic Children’s Book Here To Rescue Your Child From Socialism…
  i once killed a japanese child 4 YOU

Crazy Grandpa Saves America By Showing Children Ronald Reagan Battle Clips

Speakers Up.. Tissue Box Opened::: If you want people to get the chills, and instill a sense of pride in our country and military, this is the one! This gripping, patriotic film short is great to honor vets, remember the fallen and teach kids the price of their freedom. Read more on Crazy Grandpa Saves America By Showing Children Ronald Reagan Battle Clips…
  get rich quick!

Homeless Man Unwittingly Learns Secret to Earning ‘Teabagger Bucks’

Gustav Bozarth is a homeless man who lives in El Paso, a city in the Holy Sovereign Nation of Texas. Every day, he probably has to deal with people telling him to “git a jawwwwwwb” or calling him a “buhhhmmm,” or maybe just ignoring him. But now that surveillance video of Bozarth folding up a fallen flag has been broadcast on Fox News, Real American Patriots are waddling to the nearest socialist post office to send him money. Too bad Bozarth doesn’t have a home address where he can actually receive the money! Read more on Homeless Man Unwittingly Learns Secret to Earning ‘Teabagger Bucks’…
  The Passion of the Bachmann

Michele Bachmann Still Against British Rule

The next Fourth of July is only 363 days away! And you still don’t know the Declaration of Independence, or who we declared the independence from, or anything else, really, you’ve never really been counted among America’s “best and brightest.” But this video message by the House Republicans can help you memorize that Declaration thingie by next year–in an abridged format that highlights the best parts and won’t bore the crap out of everybody (the Declaration of Independence is pretty much an overly long listicle). Most inspiring is Michele Bachmann’s passionate contribution to this little patriotism movie, which makes clear that she’s still totally opposed to “taxation without representation” and all that other crap, and should be your model as you memorize the words. Read more on Michele Bachmann Still Against British Rule…
  don't burn it unless a boy scout tells you to

Celebrate Flag Day Like a Real Pro-American American (Sarah Palin)

Today is Flag Day, when we celebrate the time Betsy Ross beat one of her slaves who was really good at graphic design until he came up with a flag that was suitable for a young, self-important nation. And we also commemorate that one time when Teddy Roosevelt beat up a guy who was blowing into a handkerchief that sort of looked like an American Flag. So how does one properly observe Flag Day? Read more on Celebrate Flag Day Like a Real Pro-American American (Sarah Palin)…
 

Barack Obama Visited The Fox News!

As promised, Barack Obama singlehandedly defeated a squadron of Fox News anchors at a game of pickup basketball and then he healed the lepers by touching them and sat down for a little chat with Chris Wallace on Sunday. The conversation was all very civilized until Wallace asked about his Muslim flag pin, which was given to him by the Weathermen back when they were Vietnam medics. Ha ha we kid! Even then President Cool maintained his legendary sangfroid. Selected Q&As after the jump. Read more on Barack Obama Visited The Fox News!…
 

What Funny Thing Is Obama Saying To This Dude?

Secret Wonkette Operative “M” sent us this photograph, which he actually took somewhere in the Eastern Time Zone, of Barack Obama saying something menacing to this poor reporter, who was probably only doing a good journalism thing like asking Obama to prove he was American! (Or maybe it was about economics, who knows.) In other words, let’s have a Caption Contest! UPDATE: We have a wiener! Read more on What Funny Thing Is Obama Saying To This Dude?…
 

Bill Kristol Column Worse Than Non-Existent Krugman Column

Now that Barack Obama’s victory appears pretty likely, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman must be drinking alone in his apartment, even though he knows the Obama health care plan will not cover his psoriasis later in life. Get well soon, you sad panda. Anyway, guess what “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol thinks about Barack Obama’s hatred of America? Read more on Bill Kristol Column Worse Than Non-Existent Krugman Column…