Tag Archives: pat robertson

  smells like teen spiritual decline

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence

Put on a plaid flannel shirt and break out your Nirvana CDs, kids, because our rightwing Christian textbooks are looking at the ’90s: Bill Clinton is the president, and America is in deep moral decline, because didn’t you just read the name of the president? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence…
  see also the erotic works of erma bombeck

Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex

Teevee God-botherer Pat Robertson took a trip to the 1950s Tuesday, advising a caller to his 700 Club cable wasteland that when her husband does chores around the house, the only proper thing to do is to spread her legs, because that is the deal in a good Christian marriage. Have women forgotten how that works? Read more on Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex…
  faith-off of the century

Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight

We always enjoy a good wingnut-on-wingnut squirmish, and here’s a dandy: “Young-Earth” creationist Ken Ham, the squirrel (or perhaps Cronopio dentiacutus) who “debated” Bill Nye at the Creation Museum a while back, is very, very cross with fellow rightwing Christianist Pat Robertson because Robertson recently said that the Earth is not, in fact, six thousand years old. Ham said that Robertson’s rejection of the literal truth of the first chapters of Genesis was Bad For The Christians: “Sadly, it’s Pat Robertson who makes Christianity look silly, which is why the atheists love him today,” Ham said. “What a travesty! This man uses his position on a major Christian TV program to help the atheists mock God’s Word!” Now, now, Ken: we love you both, and we don’t play favorites. Better? Read more on Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight…
  old mother reagan

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks On The Advent Of Saint Reagan

Congratulations, America! After 400 years of divine guidance, we’ve finally gotten to the President that God wanted the most, Ronald Wilson Reagan (genuflection optional). Both of our textbooks for the Christian school market just love the heck out of him, of course, because he made America Great Again… or at least made us feel Great Again, which is every bit as important. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks On The Advent Of Saint Reagan…
  let's not stay together

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out

Pat Robertson has had quite the week. After sounding the alarm about the apocalyptic asteroid event that could happen next week, or ever, Robertson advised a 700 Club caller that his wife probably withheld sex because of childhood sexual abuse, and that obviously, the caller should just divorce her. Given that surveys have shown that 43% of women recount experiencing sexual dysfunction and 32 percent of mothers report going years without sex, we now expect to see a lot of 700 Club-inspired divorces as husbands ditch their frigid wives. This makes Pat Robertson worse for marriage than Dan Savage, who just thinks you should cheat. Read more on Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out…
  what does god need with an asteroid?

Pat Robertson Thought You Should Know About This Asteroid Jesus Is Sending Next Week Maybe

Sure, there’s your Glenn Becks and your Alex Joneses, but let’s never discount the pure joy of good old-fashioned batshit fundagelical craziness, and by that, we mean Pat Robertson, who 700 Clubbed us Tuesday with the news that any moment now, God may unleash the End of Days by sucker-punching the planet Earth with a bigass asteroid that will wipe out a third of humanity, just like He promised in the Book of Revelation. And it could happen next week! Or in a thousand years. But it’s definitely on the way! Oh, Pat Robertson, you are still a national treasure and we will never write you off as a has-been. Your old-school crazy is an inspiration to us all, and a reassuring presence: when so many hucksters come and go, you are a reliable source of unfiltered Jesustupidity. Read more on Pat Robertson Thought You Should Know About This Asteroid Jesus Is Sending Next Week Maybe…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?

In lieu of a Derp Roundup this week, we bring you a special weekend edition of Dear Shitferbrains, leading off with this very important observation from “bmmg39″ in response to our Clipbait piece about Sarah Palin’s appearance in a sketch on The Tonight Show. We’d said that it wasn’t terrible, that she had one good line, and that she surprised us by agreeing to participate in a gag about how close Russia and Alaska are. And so, of course, bmmg39 told us off for being so unreasonably hateful: I’m not sure what’s more entertaining: Palin’s appearance on T.T.S., or watching the “tolerant left” completely lose its [mind] over said appearance. Fallon can have on the president, the first lady, and countless other Democrats and “progressives,” but the minute he has on someone they don’t like he goes on their boycott list. It’s both hilarious and a little sad. Strangely, while there were certainly a number of comments (how did those even get there?) from people who said — sometimes with colorful epithets — that they didn’t like seeing Palin on Fallon’s show, nobody said a single thing about boycotting Fallon because of it. Odd, this rightwing reading comprehension. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?…
  sink the beastmark!

Pat Robertson Introduces This Nice Lady Who Writes Nice Children’s Books About The Mark Of The Beast

Well, folks, it’s Thursday, so we’ve got yet another Sign of the End Times. This time, Pat Robertson has discovered that electronic payments are the Mark of the Beast. We always thought it was UPC codes, but apparently, no, it’s electronic banking, and maybe also RFID chips, and for all we know, probably immigration reform too. You see, the End Times Preppers are always on the lookout for the Mark of the Beast, which the Book of Revelation says is going to have to be on your wrist or your forehead, but which really could be any universal technology involved in buying and selling. (Yes, there are some folks who insist that government-issued currency is the Mark, since Walmart doesn’t take gold. And Germany doesn’t even hide it! Look what they call their money!!1!) Read more on Pat Robertson Introduces This Nice Lady Who Writes Nice Children’s Books About The Mark Of The Beast…
  unsafe at any creed

Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’

Pat Robertson just enjoys being Pat Robertson, and he doesn’t care who knows it. And by golly, he sure does admire how people of the Hebrew persuasion are so darn good at making money — it really is something to be admired, not a shameful stereotype. And so it makes perfect sense that he’d have a warm welcome for guest Daniel Lapin, a rightwing rabbi, who appeared on Monday’s 700 Club to flog his new book about what Robertson called the “ancient Jewish wisdom” that helps your Jewy types to grab that cash with both hands and make a stash: “What is it about Jewish people that make them prosper financially? You almost never find Jews tinkering with their cars on the weekends or mowing their lawns. That’s what Daniel Lapin says and there’s a very good reason for that, and it lies within the business secrets of the Bible.” It’s that special Bible magic that lets Jews spend their weekends, as Robertson exclaims later, “polishing diamonds, not fixing cars!” And by golly, home viewer, maybe if you listen very carefully, you can learn a thing or two from this Jew fella! And send a generous contribution to keep this ministry on the air, of course. Read more on Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’…
  the devil makes you do it

Pat Robertson Is Very Sad That You Can’t Murder Gays, Must Make Them Penis Cakes Instead

Someday, Pat Robertson will shuffle off this mortal coil, and then we will have approximately 30% less things to blog about, because the man is a perpetual motion machine of gay-bashing and devil-invoking, usually all at once. Today is no exception, as Robertson explains that Jesus probably didn’t love homosexuals on account of how he’d kill them or they’d be dead already (we’re not quite clear on that part) and also too the devil, of course. Read more on Pat Robertson Is Very Sad That You Can’t Murder Gays, Must Make Them Penis Cakes Instead…
  two pastors enter one pastor leaves

Today’s Battle For Most Terrible Evangelical: Pat Robertson Vs. Up-And-Comer Who Wants To Shut Ladies’ Mouths For Them

You knew it would happen. We’ve now got so much right-wing religious nonsense that we’re having to double up, because otherwise we’ll have to write 50 posts a day of this stuff. But only one complete evangelical nutter can win! Who have we got for you today? In this corner, perennial favorite Pat Robertson, who is just wondering about how maybe those atheists are possessed by rape or demons or both. His challenger: the Obama-hating pastor who also too wishes ladies would come to his church but then just shut up. Let’s get ready to rumble!! Read more on Today’s Battle For Most Terrible Evangelical: Pat Robertson Vs. Up-And-Comer Who Wants To Shut Ladies’ Mouths For Them…
  don't want to start any blasphemous rumours

Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages

So apparently back on Wednesday there was a massive power surge that knocked out power to the US Capitol for 30 minutes or so, thanks to apocalypse-level winds of 47 miles per hour. It wasn’t just the Capitol either, as thousands across the region were affected too. Now, if you are a normal person, your thoughts about this are “weather sucks, man” or perhaps even “wow, severe storms really are getting worse thanks to climate change.” But if you are Pat Robertson, you think that God did this to punish Senate Dems and to show off his wacky side. Read more on Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages…
  happier than you and me

Pat Robertson Fine With Cousins Marrying Just As Long As They Don’t Make ‘Mongoloid’ Babbies

Pat Robertson is at it again, sharing the best possible Christian-y relationship advice out there. Like this viewer mail from “Jennifer,” who wants to know if it’s OK for her “close friend” — sure, Jennifer, suuuuuure — to marry a first cousin, because they are very much in love and feel like God has brought them together, why, they’ve even “received several prophetic words in favor” of the idea. Funny how when God talks to some folks, He never says “Are you out of your fucking minds? Your children will have tails!” In any case, says Jennifer, “There is a clear, powerful call of the Lord on both of their lives. What do you think?” And then Robertson does science at her, first exclaiming “Kissing cousins! Hey, hey!” then telling her that nothing in the Bible says you can’t marry a cousin (or in a pinch, if you’re Adam and Eve’s kids, your brother or sister, at lest until that chick from East of Eden shows up…). But you have to be careful about your jeans, he says, or you will end up getting your junk caught in the zipper: “There’s nothing in the Bible that says you can’t marry your first cousin. Here you say everybody’s in favor of it. All right, go for it. But I would check the genetics … just to be sure. You don’t want to have some mongoloid child; hrrmm, I shouldn’t say mongohrmmm, well whatever.” If there were no Pat Robertson, we would just have to invent one, wouldn’t we? Read more on Pat Robertson Fine With Cousins Marrying Just As Long As They Don’t Make ‘Mongoloid’ Babbies…
  it's pat!

Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder

It’s almost as if Pat Robertson knows exactly what he’s doing, even as you’re sure he’s clueless. Case in point: On Monday, a caller to the 700 Fight Club teevee program asked what to do about a question that he has been sitting on, quite uncomfortably, for some time: “Before I met my wife, I fell in love with a beautiful woman and had a relationship for six months,” the man said. “We broke up after she told me she was transsexual.” “What should I do?” he asked. “What you should do is keep your mouth shut,” Robertson advised. Yeah, he totally knows what he’s doing here. If not between the sheets. (Speaking of which, fortune cookies are witchcraft, and of the devil.) Read more on Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder…
  jesus and his 12 male friends would never do that

Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes

Pat Robertson is slowing down; in the old days, he used to turn hurricanes away from the East coast; now, he focuses on more attainable goals, like telling a nice Christian lady to be polite to her lesbian friend, but not to invite her into her home, because you don’t want to run the risk of your kids catching teh ghey, now do you? After all, she might scratch them with one of those AIDS rings that the gays are all using. Crisis averted! Read more on Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes… Read more on Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes…
  burka bitchez break buick ban

Global Nice Time: Saudi Ladies First People In History To Use Rosa Parks Analogy Correctly

You know when someone is a Men’s Rights Activist, or when someone is Ted Yoho, and they are all up in Rosa Parks’s business claiming the mantle of Civil Rights and Rosa Parksiness for their very anti-Rosa Parks goals? It is sort of like NRA people who invoke Gandhi in their push to arm six-year-olds. But in what we hope is the beginning of a new trend, a group of people has invoked Rosa Parks — and they have done it correctly! Per Think Progress: Brushing off threats from the government, more than 60 Saudi women got behind the wheel on Saturday in a bold protest of the nation’s de facto ban on women driving. Sara Hussein, a Saudi woman involved in the effort, drew parallels to the U.S. civil rights movement: “Think back in history — Rosa Parks was the only person who sat down on the bus, wasn’t she? And then it started to happen gradually. It does have to start with the few brave people who are willing to risk whatever there is to risk.” And that is how you do a Rosa Parks comparison, everybody.  Read more on Global Nice Time: Saudi Ladies First People In History To Use Rosa Parks Analogy Correctly…
  he who does not have ears to hear is the devil probably why not

Pat Robertson Can’t Believe This Terrible Mother Can’t Even Heal Son’s Deafness Through Prayer

Hey ladies, how are you screwing up your children today? Are you smothering them? You are probably smothering them. Are you neglecting them, with your whoring at your “job”? You are probably doing that too. Are you turning them all into little homicidal maniacs, with, we dunno, welfare fraud? OF COURSE YOU ARE, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But Pat Robertson has one more way you are ruining your kids, and you probably hadn’t even considered it: your kid is deaf because you don’t pray good enough. For real, lady, why do you go and make your kids deaf like that? Responding to a question from a mother who asked why her hearing impaired son hasn’t been healed despite her prayers, Robertson said that her son may be hindered by a “spirit of deafness.” “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed,” Robertson said. “I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” “Why don’t you try that and if it doesn’t work, try something else,” he said. That is some pretty perfect advice: if rebuking the spirit of deafness doesn’t make your deaf kid undeaf, “try something else.” What are some other things these moms who made their kids deaf could try? Read more on Pat Robertson Can’t Believe This Terrible Mother Can’t Even Heal Son’s Deafness Through Prayer…
  for just pennies a day you can enrich a televangelist

Pat Robertson So Mad About Accurate Documentary On His Terrible Rwanda Charity Scam

You are probably just as surprised as we are to learn that a new documentary film details how Pat Robertson ran a fake charity following the 1994 Rwandan genocide — which is to say, not the least bit surprised. The film, Mission Congo, by Lara Zizic and David Turner, premieres today at the Toronto International Film Festival; while Robertson claimed the charity, “Operation Blessing International,” achieved great things for Rwandan refugees in Zaire and Congo, its actual accomplishments were pretty modest, especially compared to the hundreds of millions of dollars it continues to raise. Oh, and then there are the former aid workers at Operation Blessing, who describe how mercy flights to save refugees were diverted hundreds of miles from the crisis to deliver equipment to a diamond mining concession run by the televangelist. Seriously, go read this article in the Guardian, but make sure you aren’t holding anything you might hurl through your computer screen, OK? Read more on Pat Robertson So Mad About Accurate Documentary On His Terrible Rwanda Charity Scam…
  one ring to rule them all

Pat Robertson Educates About Murderous Intent Of Gays Like Shepard Smith

Oh, Pat Robertson. After giving us a confusing nice time about sex change operations, you had to go out and open your foul, putrid assface talkhole. We’re thankful to the folks at RightWingWatch for enlightening us about the wise words of St. Robertson of Dumbfuckville: Pat Robertson told co-host Terry Meeuwsen that gay men in cities like San Francisco attempt to spread HIV/AIDS to others by cutting them with a special ring when shaking hands. Apparently, Pat learned this while cruising for le buttsechs down in the Castro district after blowing fourteen camels and pedophiling some boy scouts, because gays only think about bestiality, pedophilia, buttsechs, and how to spread the Hivy, right?   Read more on Pat Robertson Educates About Murderous Intent Of Gays Like Shepard Smith…
  Nice Time From Bizarro World

Gayphobic Hatemonger Pat Robertson Shockingly Cool With The Sex Changes

Huh. We did not see this coming. We are … we are at a bit of a loss, in fact. We are looking out the window and not seeing flying pigs, nor have we seen any reports on the Twitters about a severe temperature drop in hell. We just do not know what to make of the latest from Pat Robertson, he who hates everything and everyone, even orphans — orphans, people — because he’s just got that much hate in his shriveled little heart. And yet, turns out Pat has a soft spot for the unlikeliest of people: The 83-year-old televangelist sat down on Sunday for the “Bring It Online” advice portion of his Christian Broadcasting Network show, “The 700 Club.” A viewer named David wrote in asking how he should refer to two transgender females who work in his office and have legally changed their genders. Instead of criticizing the trans individuals, Robertson approached the situation in a seemingly level-headed manner. “I think there are men who are in a woman’s body,” he said. “It’s very rare. But it’s true — or women that are in men’s bodies — and that they want a sex change. That is a very permanent thing, believe me, when you have certain body parts amputated and when you have shot up with various kinds of hormones. It’s a radical procedure. I don’t think there’s any sin associated with that. I don’t condemn somebody for doing that.” Yes, our minds are blown too. The man who can find sin in feminism, an Ivy League education, even fucking sweaters from Goodwill, says there’s no sin in sex changes. Read more on Gayphobic Hatemonger Pat Robertson Shockingly Cool With The Sex Changes…
  blessed are the dumb as fuck

Pat Robertson Celebrates The Beautiful Miracle Of Not Knowing Stuff

You may have wondered, as did a caller to Pat Robertson’s 700 Club teevee show yesterday, why God just doesn’t seem to fling miracles at people in U.S. America the way He did in biblical times, or even the way He reputedly does in the Third World today. Robertson explained, with that smile of his that makes any sane person hide their wallet, that God just doesn’t bless fancy-pants smart people with their fancy book-larnin’ and such. Read more on Pat Robertson Celebrates The Beautiful Miracle Of Not Knowing Stuff…
  isn't it ironic

Beware ‘Scamsters In Religious Garb,’ Says … Wait For It … Pat Robertson

Professional Bible-humper Pat Robertson — who uses his teevee show The 700 Club to golden shower the faithful with handy advice like how to avoid icky adopted children cooties and how to get the Satan out of your Goodwill sweaters — has some new tips for clean living: Ladies and gentlemen, beware these scamsters, especially these scamsters in religious garb, quoting the Bible. I mean, run from them. They’re all over the place. That does sound sage, doesn’t it? Do not be seduced by empty promises of everlasting salvation — or, better still, miraculous cash prizes. Like this guy you should totally run away from, who explained just the other day how if you are homeless and jobless and moneyless, you can still send him “just $20 a month” so God will give you a house and a job and many dollars American. Read more on Beware ‘Scamsters In Religious Garb,’ Says … Wait For It … Pat Robertson…