Tag Archives: pat robertson

  unsafe at any creed

Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’

Pat Robertson just enjoys being Pat Robertson, and he doesn’t care who knows it. And by golly, he sure does admire how people of the Hebrew persuasion are so darn good at making money — it really is something to be admired, not a shameful stereotype. And so it makes perfect sense that he’d have a warm welcome for guest Daniel Lapin, a rightwing rabbi, who appeared on Monday’s 700 Club to flog his new book about what Robertson called the “ancient Jewish wisdom” that helps your Jewy types to grab that cash with both hands and make a stash: “What is it about Jewish people that make them prosper financially? You almost never find Jews tinkering with their cars on the weekends or mowing their lawns. That’s what Daniel Lapin says and there’s a very good reason for that, and it lies within the business secrets of the Bible.” It’s that special Bible magic that lets Jews spend their weekends, as Robertson exclaims later, “polishing diamonds, not fixing cars!” And by golly, home viewer, maybe if you listen very carefully, you can learn a thing or two from this Jew fella! And send a generous contribution to keep this ministry on the air, of course. Read more on Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’…
  the devil makes you do it

Pat Robertson Is Very Sad That You Can’t Murder Gays, Must Make Them Penis Cakes Instead

Someday, Pat Robertson will shuffle off this mortal coil, and then we will have approximately 30% less things to blog about, because the man is a perpetual motion machine of gay-bashing and devil-invoking, usually all at once. Today is no exception, as Robertson explains that Jesus probably didn’t love homosexuals on account of how he’d kill them or they’d be dead already (we’re not quite clear on that part) and also too the devil, of course. Read more on Pat Robertson Is Very Sad That You Can’t Murder Gays, Must Make Them Penis Cakes Instead…
  two pastors enter one pastor leaves

Today’s Battle For Most Terrible Evangelical: Pat Robertson Vs. Up-And-Comer Who Wants To Shut Ladies’ Mouths For Them

You knew it would happen. We’ve now got so much right-wing religious nonsense that we’re having to double up, because otherwise we’ll have to write 50 posts a day of this stuff. But only one complete evangelical nutter can win! Who have we got for you today? In this corner, perennial favorite Pat Robertson, who is just wondering about how maybe those atheists are possessed by rape or demons or both. His challenger: the Obama-hating pastor who also too wishes ladies would come to his church but then just shut up. Let’s get ready to rumble!! Read more on Today’s Battle For Most Terrible Evangelical: Pat Robertson Vs. Up-And-Comer Who Wants To Shut Ladies’ Mouths For Them…
  don't want to start any blasphemous rumours

Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages

So apparently back on Wednesday there was a massive power surge that knocked out power to the US Capitol for 30 minutes or so, thanks to apocalypse-level winds of 47 miles per hour. It wasn’t just the Capitol either, as thousands across the region were affected too. Now, if you are a normal person, your thoughts about this are “weather sucks, man” or perhaps even “wow, severe storms really are getting worse thanks to climate change.” But if you are Pat Robertson, you think that God did this to punish Senate Dems and to show off his wacky side. Read more on Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages…
  happier than you and me

Pat Robertson Fine With Cousins Marrying Just As Long As They Don’t Make ‘Mongoloid’ Babbies

Pat Robertson is at it again, sharing the best possible Christian-y relationship advice out there. Like this viewer mail from “Jennifer,” who wants to know if it’s OK for her “close friend” — sure, Jennifer, suuuuuure — to marry a first cousin, because they are very much in love and feel like God has brought them together, why, they’ve even “received several prophetic words in favor” of the idea. Funny how when God talks to some folks, He never says “Are you out of your fucking minds? Your children will have tails!” In any case, says Jennifer, “There is a clear, powerful call of the Lord on both of their lives. What do you think?” And then Robertson does science at her, first exclaiming “Kissing cousins! Hey, hey!” then telling her that nothing in the Bible says you can’t marry a cousin (or in a pinch, if you’re Adam and Eve’s kids, your brother or sister, at lest until that chick from East of Eden shows up…). But you have to be careful about your jeans, he says, or you will end up getting your junk caught in the zipper: “There’s nothing in the Bible that says you can’t marry your first cousin. Here you say everybody’s in favor of it. All right, go for it. But I would check the genetics … just to be sure. You don’t want to have some mongoloid child; hrrmm, I shouldn’t say mongohrmmm, well whatever.” If there were no Pat Robertson, we would just have to invent one, wouldn’t we? Read more on Pat Robertson Fine With Cousins Marrying Just As Long As They Don’t Make ‘Mongoloid’ Babbies…
  it's pat!

Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder

It’s almost as if Pat Robertson knows exactly what he’s doing, even as you’re sure he’s clueless. Case in point: On Monday, a caller to the 700 Fight Club teevee program asked what to do about a question that he has been sitting on, quite uncomfortably, for some time: “Before I met my wife, I fell in love with a beautiful woman and had a relationship for six months,” the man said. “We broke up after she told me she was transsexual.” “What should I do?” he asked. “What you should do is keep your mouth shut,” Robertson advised. Yeah, he totally knows what he’s doing here. If not between the sheets. (Speaking of which, fortune cookies are witchcraft, and of the devil.) Read more on Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder…
  jesus and his 12 male friends would never do that

Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes

Pat Robertson is slowing down; in the old days, he used to turn hurricanes away from the East coast; now, he focuses on more attainable goals, like telling a nice Christian lady to be polite to her lesbian friend, but not to invite her into her home, because you don’t want to run the risk of your kids catching teh ghey, now do you? After all, she might scratch them with one of those AIDS rings that the gays are all using. Crisis averted! Read more on Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes… Read more on Pat Robertson Saves Caller’s Kids From Lifetime of Subaru Ownership, Comfortable Shoes…
  burka bitchez break buick ban

Global Nice Time: Saudi Ladies First People In History To Use Rosa Parks Analogy Correctly

You know when someone is a Men’s Rights Activist, or when someone is Ted Yoho, and they are all up in Rosa Parks’s business claiming the mantle of Civil Rights and Rosa Parksiness for their very anti-Rosa Parks goals? It is sort of like NRA people who invoke Gandhi in their push to arm six-year-olds. But in what we hope is the beginning of a new trend, a group of people has invoked Rosa Parks — and they have done it correctly! Per Think Progress: Brushing off threats from the government, more than 60 Saudi women got behind the wheel on Saturday in a bold protest of the nation’s de facto ban on women driving. Sara Hussein, a Saudi woman involved in the effort, drew parallels to the U.S. civil rights movement: “Think back in history — Rosa Parks was the only person who sat down on the bus, wasn’t she? And then it started to happen gradually. It does have to start with the few brave people who are willing to risk whatever there is to risk.” And that is how you do a Rosa Parks comparison, everybody.  Read more on Global Nice Time: Saudi Ladies First People In History To Use Rosa Parks Analogy Correctly…
  he who does not have ears to hear is the devil probably why not

Pat Robertson Can’t Believe This Terrible Mother Can’t Even Heal Son’s Deafness Through Prayer

Hey ladies, how are you screwing up your children today? Are you smothering them? You are probably smothering them. Are you neglecting them, with your whoring at your “job”? You are probably doing that too. Are you turning them all into little homicidal maniacs, with, we dunno, welfare fraud? OF COURSE YOU ARE, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But Pat Robertson has one more way you are ruining your kids, and you probably hadn’t even considered it: your kid is deaf because you don’t pray good enough. For real, lady, why do you go and make your kids deaf like that? Responding to a question from a mother who asked why her hearing impaired son hasn’t been healed despite her prayers, Robertson said that her son may be hindered by a “spirit of deafness.” “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed,” Robertson said. “I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” “Why don’t you try that and if it doesn’t work, try something else,” he said. That is some pretty perfect advice: if rebuking the spirit of deafness doesn’t make your deaf kid undeaf, “try something else.” What are some other things these moms who made their kids deaf could try? Read more on Pat Robertson Can’t Believe This Terrible Mother Can’t Even Heal Son’s Deafness Through Prayer…
  for just pennies a day you can enrich a televangelist

Pat Robertson So Mad About Accurate Documentary On His Terrible Rwanda Charity Scam

You are probably just as surprised as we are to learn that a new documentary film details how Pat Robertson ran a fake charity following the 1994 Rwandan genocide — which is to say, not the least bit surprised. The film, Mission Congo, by Lara Zizic and David Turner, premieres today at the Toronto International Film Festival; while Robertson claimed the charity, “Operation Blessing International,” achieved great things for Rwandan refugees in Zaire and Congo, its actual accomplishments were pretty modest, especially compared to the hundreds of millions of dollars it continues to raise. Oh, and then there are the former aid workers at Operation Blessing, who describe how mercy flights to save refugees were diverted hundreds of miles from the crisis to deliver equipment to a diamond mining concession run by the televangelist. Seriously, go read this article in the Guardian, but make sure you aren’t holding anything you might hurl through your computer screen, OK? Read more on Pat Robertson So Mad About Accurate Documentary On His Terrible Rwanda Charity Scam…
  one ring to rule them all

Pat Robertson Educates About Murderous Intent Of Gays Like Shepard Smith

Oh, Pat Robertson. After giving us a confusing nice time about sex change operations, you had to go out and open your foul, putrid assface talkhole. We’re thankful to the folks at RightWingWatch for enlightening us about the wise words of St. Robertson of Dumbfuckville: Pat Robertson told co-host Terry Meeuwsen that gay men in cities like San Francisco attempt to spread HIV/AIDS to others by cutting them with a special ring when shaking hands. Apparently, Pat learned this while cruising for le buttsechs down in the Castro district after blowing fourteen camels and pedophiling some boy scouts, because gays only think about bestiality, pedophilia, buttsechs, and how to spread the Hivy, right?   Read more on Pat Robertson Educates About Murderous Intent Of Gays Like Shepard Smith…
  Nice Time From Bizarro World

Gayphobic Hatemonger Pat Robertson Shockingly Cool With The Sex Changes

Huh. We did not see this coming. We are … we are at a bit of a loss, in fact. We are looking out the window and not seeing flying pigs, nor have we seen any reports on the Twitters about a severe temperature drop in hell. We just do not know what to make of the latest from Pat Robertson, he who hates everything and everyone, even orphans — orphans, people — because he’s just got that much hate in his shriveled little heart. And yet, turns out Pat has a soft spot for the unlikeliest of people: The 83-year-old televangelist sat down on Sunday for the “Bring It Online” advice portion of his Christian Broadcasting Network show, “The 700 Club.” A viewer named David wrote in asking how he should refer to two transgender females who work in his office and have legally changed their genders. Instead of criticizing the trans individuals, Robertson approached the situation in a seemingly level-headed manner. “I think there are men who are in a woman’s body,” he said. “It’s very rare. But it’s true — or women that are in men’s bodies — and that they want a sex change. That is a very permanent thing, believe me, when you have certain body parts amputated and when you have shot up with various kinds of hormones. It’s a radical procedure. I don’t think there’s any sin associated with that. I don’t condemn somebody for doing that.” Yes, our minds are blown too. The man who can find sin in feminism, an Ivy League education, even fucking sweaters from Goodwill, says there’s no sin in sex changes. Read more on Gayphobic Hatemonger Pat Robertson Shockingly Cool With The Sex Changes…
  blessed are the dumb as fuck

Pat Robertson Celebrates The Beautiful Miracle Of Not Knowing Stuff

You may have wondered, as did a caller to Pat Robertson’s 700 Club teevee show yesterday, why God just doesn’t seem to fling miracles at people in U.S. America the way He did in biblical times, or even the way He reputedly does in the Third World today. Robertson explained, with that smile of his that makes any sane person hide their wallet, that God just doesn’t bless fancy-pants smart people with their fancy book-larnin’ and such. Read more on Pat Robertson Celebrates The Beautiful Miracle Of Not Knowing Stuff…
  isn't it ironic

Beware ‘Scamsters In Religious Garb,’ Says … Wait For It … Pat Robertson

Professional Bible-humper Pat Robertson — who uses his teevee show The 700 Club to golden shower the faithful with handy advice like how to avoid icky adopted children cooties and how to get the Satan out of your Goodwill sweaters — has some new tips for clean living: Ladies and gentlemen, beware these scamsters, especially these scamsters in religious garb, quoting the Bible. I mean, run from them. They’re all over the place. That does sound sage, doesn’t it? Do not be seduced by empty promises of everlasting salvation — or, better still, miraculous cash prizes. Like this guy you should totally run away from, who explained just the other day how if you are homeless and jobless and moneyless, you can still send him “just $20 a month” so God will give you a house and a job and many dollars American. Read more on Beware ‘Scamsters In Religious Garb,’ Says … Wait For It … Pat Robertson…
  Grifters gonna grift

Lost Your House? Got No Job? Just Send Pat Robertson $20 A Month, And God Will Give You A New One

You can’t even be mad at Pat Robertson for telling people with no houses and no jobs to send him “just $20 a month” so that God would shower them with blessings. Being mad at a televangelist for parting fools from their rent is like being mad at your dog for eating your cat, or being mad at George W. Bush for lying you into a decade-long war. They cannot help it, it is how God made them. What good is a televangelist without a $100 thousand RV for his dogs, or half a million to pay out in a sexual harassment claim from a dude? How is a televangelist supposed to show the world he is a Righteous Man if he does not have God’s Prosperity raining upon in him in the form of old ladies’ pension checks? (Obviously we are kidding. “Pension checks”! HA!) Read more on Lost Your House? Got No Job? Just Send Pat Robertson $20 A Month, And God Will Give You A New One…
  crazy for feeling so lonely

Nuts & Sluts: In Which Your Wonkette Agrees With Pat Robertson And Richard Cohen About Paula Broadwell

There is a lot of Yap and Huff on the Internet right about now about how poor Paula Broadwell is being SEXISMED because nobody is making tons of mocking fun of disgraced former top spook David Petraeus, but people are all OH HER CLOTHES WERE TOO TIGHT SLUT SLUT SLUT. They seem to be regarding the current Unpleasantness as just another in our unbroken epochs of Blame the Floozy. But is it possible that the reason we are not making fun of David Petraeus is because the US has, 20 years after Bill Clinton, become less puritanical about affairs, and the reason we are all making fun of Paula Broadwell has nothing to do with her flooziness but rather is because she is (allegedly) a psycho nutzoid Internet stalker who is one crowbar and a pack of Depends away from driving to Houston to kneecap a bitch? Like, we are sorry there is still sexism in the world, and the women are blamed for the affairs and stuff, but maybe that isn’t actually what is happening here! For instance! If she hadn’t gone bunny-boiler (allegedly) would anybody even have cared about the boffing — if it were even discovered at all? We posit not really! Also, some Internet stalkers really are crazy, even if they are women, and it is not not-feminist to say so! (We have one ourself. We would print all her messages to us, but then you would be scared, and probably cry.) And we think it hurts equality to insist that Broadwell is somehow a victim in this, and society is to blame. And that is where Richard Cohen and Pat Robertson come in. Read more on Nuts & Sluts: In Which Your Wonkette Agrees With Pat Robertson And Richard Cohen About Paula Broadwell…
  cocktober

Attorney For Pat Robertson’s Anti-Gay Legal Outfit Fired For Alleged Wide Stance With (Possibly) Under-Age Boys

Oh look, a poorly produced video about some guy named “Jim,” a.k.a “our bitch who got us drunk.” (No, not Jim Newell, although we will make him our bitch and let him get us drunk if he asks nicely.) This video is about Jim Henderson, formerly a senior attorney at the American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ), who was fired by Pat Robertson’s outfit last week for “maybe” being gay. Read more on Attorney For Pat Robertson’s Anti-Gay Legal Outfit Fired For Alleged Wide Stance With (Possibly) Under-Age Boys…
  Lazy Jeebus

God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time

Do you guys remember the good old days? Things were so much simpler then, when we could identify the homosexualista menaces in our midst, at which point the wind would start to a-blowin’ on account of “come a cloud!” and we could tie all those things together in order to fulfill the holy wrath of “Goddidit!” Sexy gayness + New Orleans = poor black people being destroyed and sent to random places in Texas and Tennessee, while all kinds of white upper-middle class denizens of the area could resettle happily in other Southern cities, knowing that their Jeebus had done did what had needed to be done. Everybody wins, right? Praise Him, Lord I Lift Your Name On High, etc., etc. Read more on God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time…
  Jesus Freaks

Pat Robertson: Don’t Touch That Orphan, You Don’t Know Where It’s Been

National comedic treasure Pat Robertson has once again allowed words to come out of his face, triggering a Severe WTF Warning from the National Surrealism Agency. On a segment of his 700 Club television program, Robertson and co-host Kristi Watts were doing a Dear Abby style thing, giving people the same sort of smart, well-grounded advice that has become a Pat Robertson trademark. In response to a woman’s question about why men don’t want to keep dating her when they find out that she has three adopted children from different countries, Watts began to say that it was because the men “are dogs … That’s just wrong on every level.” Then Robertson jumped in, gently correcting the poor misguided lady, because what does she know, being a woman and all? “No, it’s not wrong. A man doesn’t want to take on the United Nations, and this woman’s got all these various children and blended family. What is it?” Exactly! What is it? It’s just a big old mess of different colors and face shapes that will NEVER look right on a Christmas card, is what it is, and by the time the lady has finished explaining what each ungodly kid is, most menfolk will have lost interest. Besides, Jesus never said anything about taking in strangers or anything like that, now did he? Read more on Pat Robertson: Don’t Touch That Orphan, You Don’t Know Where It’s Been…
  where is your god now?

In Wake Of Temple Shooting, Pat Robertson Strikes Ecumenical Note: ‘It’s The Atheists’

We never thought we would live to see the day when gross old perv Pat Robertson declared that whether worshiping at a Baptist church or a Sikh temple, all believers were worshiping God. The fuck you say! Luckily, Robertson immediately restored our faith in him by explaining all these horrible massacres are committed by (who else?) ATHEISTS. Read more on In Wake Of Temple Shooting, Pat Robertson Strikes Ecumenical Note: ‘It’s The Atheists’…
  when you're in love the whole world's a jew

Talmudic Scholar Pat Robertson: It’s Not Their Fault The ‘Poor Jews’ Are So Stupid (VIDEO!)

The fine fellows at RightWingWatch have once again brought the most delightful of horrorshows to our attention. (How do they do it every day?) Below, you will find Pat Robertson explaining that anti-Semitism is the Devil’s Work (yes?), and the Devil hates Israel because Israel is evidence of the existence of God (oookay?) because the Messiah came from there (maybe???) and “the poor Jews don’t understand that, it’s too cosmic for most of them to grasp, especially because they don’t believe Jesus is the Messiah.” (AWESOME!) But you know, not believing Jesus is the Messiah (that and med school) is kind of their thing? Robertson joins such totally sane luminaries as Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and war criminal congressman Allen “Well Looks Like I Will Have to Save These People From Themselves” West in thinking they know what is better for Jews than the Jews do. Read more on Talmudic Scholar Pat Robertson: It’s Not Their Fault The ‘Poor Jews’ Are So Stupid (VIDEO!)…
  the burning bed

Mummy Evangelist Pat Robertson Okays Sodomite Sexy-Time (for Hetero Marrieds)

Aw, that’s nice. Pat Robertson, who has previously assured us that abortion caused Hurricane Katrina and feminists and gays caused everything else, would like to let married straight women know God is totally chill with it if they lick, fondle, suck on, and otherwise “blow” their male husbands cocks and balls. Read more on Mummy Evangelist Pat Robertson Okays Sodomite Sexy-Time (for Hetero Marrieds)…