Tag: pat robertson

Pat Robertson Doesn’t Understand Why NFL Loves Georgia Buttsex So Much

America's senile grandpa Pat Robertson is having a confuseness in his brain. You see, Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal (The Republican) announced that he would veto HB 757, a bill to protect the "religious freedom" of dongweasel lunatic fundamentalist Christians...

Pat Robertson Can Heal You And Drive Out Demons — Even On Tape!

Superannuated Godswallop peddler Pat Robertson has some excellent news for you: He (and God of course) can heal you even if you're watching a recording of "The 700 Club" on the DVR, or even "on tape." He didn't specify...
Are they giggling because they stealed a baby???

The Duggars Will Help You Steal A Baby In Five Days Or Less, Maybe

Doesn't it blow when you want a baby but you ain't got no baby, and they won't let you take home the first one you see at the baby store? That's when you have to get on your knees and...

Pat Robertson Teaches How To Hate Your Gay Kid Real Good This Thanksgiving

This post originally ran in the Olden Timey Days of just a few weeks ago, but now we think it might be a Thanksgiving tradition! Curl up in your snuggie with your first cocktail of Thanksgiving morning, and learn...
He doesn't look quite so D-U-M when he's being correct about a thing.

Pat Robertson Lets Gays Off Hook For That Whole ‘Sodom’ Thing

It's the weirdest thing on the whole planet when Pat Robertson is Right About A Thing, especially when it's about gaygendersexicans! Usually Grandpa Pat is all "Hey, you homosexuals, stop thrusting inside Pat's dusty man cave!" and "Hey, fake...

Hell Yeah, Jeb Bush Would Murder A Baby!

Jeb Bush is soooooo pro-life, he will defund women's healthcare because come on, how much do we really need to spend on vag checks for cancer, right? Jeb Bush is soooooo pro-life, he will use the power of Big Government...
What what, in the butt.

Pat Robertson Wishes The Homosexuals Would Stop Thrusting Into Him So Hard

Pat Robertson, congratulations, for you are getting your second mention on Wonkette in one week. Your Google Alerts must be going CRAZY! Last time we visited with America's most embarrassingest grandpa, he was teaching us how to make sure...
But I thought I hated fags real good too!

Nice Christian Protesters Say Kim Davis Is Big Whore, Going To Hell Probably

Do you need something to make you LOL on this Monday? Well, that's why you're at Wonkette, obviously, but for real though. Because even if we didn't make all the hilarious jokes about it, you would still be ROFLMAOing...
Thinking face.

Pat Robertson Teaches How To Hate Your Gay Kid Real Good This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is such a nice time! (Unless you hate it.) You get to see your family, or whatever family you've created for yourself, and they shove eleventy thousand pounds of food in your face and then you take a...

Pat Robertson Swears Faith Healing Works For People Who Aren’t Pat Robertson

Didn't we just discuss a GRRR MAD SO ANGRY KILL IT WITH FIRE story about parents who let their children die because they believe -- huh, wrongly, oh well -- they can pray the life-threatening illnesses away? Yup, we sure...
Hooray, an actual witch hunt!

Hindu Witch Lady Terrorizes Innocent Christians At Air Force Dental Clinic

  As we all know, the United States military is an all-evangelical Christian fighting force that's been under attack as of late, mostly by the homosexuals and the transgenders being allowed to do their gay-gender diddles in foxholes next to...
Something like this.

Let’s Help Jesus Punish That Judge For Being Mean To Poor Kim Davis!

Pull out your pitchforks and trim your bushes, Christian warriors of God's love, it's time for some Crusades! How are we going to show everybody just how much Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the...

Get Filled Up And Gushed On By God, With Pat Robertson

Have you ever tried to love God so hard that he makes you say a bunch of crazy non-words sounds, with your tongue, but it just wouldn't work? Well, “Gary” has had that problem, so of course he turns...
LIKE WHAT ARE U EVEN TALKING ABOUT, WONKET?

Let’s Hate Mike Huckabee Some More! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Oh hi there! Sorry to interrupt you vacuuming your cat or whatever it is you do on Sunday afternoons, but we have to count down the top ten posts of the week, so your cat will have to wait....
Disappointed in Kim Davis's past sins obviously.

Pat Robertson Just Called Kim Davis A Whore

UH OH SHOTS FIRED! Grandpa Pat Robertson is real glad Kim Davis is standing up for Jesus Christ's true message, which is "PEEEEE-YEW! Notice how I never said Blessed Are The Icky Homos? They're the BEATITUDES, not the BE-FAG-ITUDES."...
Sex bus.

Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don't care, let's talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and...