Tag Archives: pat robertson

  Kortney loves her vegetables

Pat Robertson: You Know What’s Not Godly? Vegetables.

Can't. Even.
Televangelist conman-for-Jesus crazy mofo Pat Robertson has scammed a lot of money over the years by offering “the Lord’s” pro-tips on his teevee show, the 700 Club. We could devote 29 hours a day to watching him and trying to make jokes for you about what a crazy mofo that crazy mofo really is. However, we don’t have that kind of time, nor have we enough spoons with which to stab ourselves in the ear, so we limit ourselves (and you, dear readers, YOU’RE WELCOME) to the best of his worst. Like how yoga will turn you into a Hindu-speaking devil worshipper. Or how Jesus wants you to get rich quick by investing in oil, NOT abortion pills. Or why you should not touch that dirty orphan because you don’t know where it’s been. Read more on Pat Robertson: You Know What’s Not Godly? Vegetables….
  Going Back To Kali

Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts.

Danger Yoga!
Pat Robertson reminded his viewers (we assume he has some) on Tuesday that the world is beset with traps and snares for the unwary Christian, like the prospect that a simple exercise class could trick your innocent child into speaking in foreign tongues and invoking strange Hindoo devil-gods! Read more on Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts….
  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…
  Demons gonna read Harry Potter to your ultrasound babbies

Pat Robertson: Witches Might Curse Your Ultrasound Babbies If You Post Them On Facebook

We at the Wonkette don’t like to talk about every single stupid thing Pat Robertson says, because that would be a full website in and of itself, but man oh man, once in a while, Pat brings us some wisdom that we MUST, by law, share with you. One of Pat’s viewers, Cynthia, is very excited because she is going to be a grandmommy soon, but she is worried, because all the young kids with the Facebooks and the Obama phones are constantly posting pictures of their ultrasounds, so that everybody can be confused by what they’re looking at together. Cynthia would like to know if this is a sin or not. Read more on Pat Robertson: Witches Might Curse Your Ultrasound Babbies If You Post Them On Facebook…
  That's the sound of freedom being flushed

Republican Party Comes Out Against Basic Hygiene, For Freedom

Don't shake his hand, you can be pretty sure where it's been
North Carolina’s newbie Sen. Thom Tillis is a damned fine Republican. You can tell because of how much he hates government regulation of any kind, because that is just the government murdering freedom. Read more on Republican Party Comes Out Against Basic Hygiene, For Freedom…
  Here have some news n stuff

SCOTUS Throat-Crams Florida With Gay Marriage Because Duh, That’s What Happens Now

At this rate, we're going to run out of these
You really have to wonder why the “traditional marriage” crybaby bigots even bother anymore, when it’s so obvious that aside from the extra-ultra-conservatives who are in the teeny tiny minority, the highest court in the land does NOT want to hear their whining: Read more on SCOTUS Throat-Crams Florida With Gay Marriage Because Duh, That’s What Happens Now…
  Every Ted Pat And Harry

Pat Robertson Wishes Ted Cruz Would Settle Down And Be Sensible Like Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson doesn't like these sneaky 'confirming appointees' shenanigans
So here’s more fallout from the maneuvering on the Big Budget Bill this weekend: After Ted Cruz’s diddling with Senate rules opened the door for some of Barack Obama’s appointees to be confirmed, televangelist Pat Robertson decided that he doesn’t like this Ted Cruz fellow’s radicalism, not one little bit. Yes, kids, Ted Cruz is a bit way out for the guy who claims he can steer hurricanes. Read more on Pat Robertson Wishes Ted Cruz Would Settle Down And Be Sensible Like Pat Robertson…
  How fast would Jesus drive?

Pat Robertson Finds The One Thing In The World That Is Not A Sin

Zoom-zoomin' for Jesus
Televangelist huckster Pat Robertson is an expert on sin. In Robertson’s special-just-for-him version of the Bible, basically everything is a sin. Like wives who don’t put out — they are tools of the devil, and you should divorce them immediately. Sweaters from Goodwill? Yeah, those could be possessed by demonic demons, so buy retail if you want to stay right with God. Girl-on-girl movies? Sinful for sure, and they will turn your sweet little opposite-sex cheerleader into a raging bulldyke, obviously. And adopting orphans, who are icky, and whom you should definitely keep your distance from because they may have been abused and could be all messed up in the head. Actually, that’s not a sin, just a very bad idea, because you don’t know where they’ve been. Read more on Pat Robertson Finds The One Thing In The World That Is Not A Sin…
  You Got Your Science In My Religion: A Study In Contrasts

Pope Trolls Creationists, Says Evolution Is A Thing

Sure, they both believe in Invisible Sky Daddy. But one guy at least seems to live on this planet.
Pope Francis gave a lot of fundagelicals a sad Monday when he restated a fairly simple tenet of Catholic belief: There’s no contradiction between faith and science, particularly the theory of evolution and the Big Bang. Read more on Pope Trolls Creationists, Says Evolution Is A Thing…
  Die For Your Own Sins Taker

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills

Have you heard the good word about blood diamonds?
So let’s say you find some extra coin under the sofa cushion, and you’re thinking, “I should invest this and become a billionaire!” Good plan, you, because that’s how it works in America, as long as you’re wearing the right bootstraps. So whom should you call for investment advice? Why, televangelist scam artist and all-around scumsucker Pat Robertson! Read more on Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills…
  Derp Alert

Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition

Pat Robertson decided to open his frothy mouthhole and spew terrible advice to lonely self-hating shut-ins who still watch The 700 Club. On tap this time was a mother worried because her 21-year old daughter is a murderer rapist heathen Methodist LESBIAN!! What’s more, the parents had no idea: Read more on Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition…
  And At That Time A Friend Shall Lose His Friend's Hammer

Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together

She looks like she's calculating how long it would take to reach the emergency exit
ISIS is a bunch of unstoppable murderous thugs trying to drag the Middle East into a New Medieval Order, and Pat Robertson couldn’t be more tickled by the prospect. You see, children, Brother Pat is excited by their goal of unifying Iraq, Syria, and chunks of Egypt into a radical Islamist caliphate, because he’s pretty sure that would fulfill a prophecy from Isaiah 19: Read more on Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together…
  smells like teen spiritual decline

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence

Put on a plaid flannel shirt and break out your Nirvana CDs, kids, because our rightwing Christian textbooks are looking at the ’90s: Bill Clinton is the president, and America is in deep moral decline, because didn’t you just read the name of the president? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence…
  see also the erotic works of erma bombeck

Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex

Teevee God-botherer Pat Robertson took a trip to the 1950s Tuesday, advising a caller to his 700 Club cable wasteland that when her husband does chores around the house, the only proper thing to do is to spread her legs, because that is the deal in a good Christian marriage. Have women forgotten how that works? Read more on Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex…
  faith-off of the century

Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight

We always enjoy a good wingnut-on-wingnut squirmish, and here’s a dandy: “Young-Earth” creationist Ken Ham, the squirrel (or perhaps Cronopio dentiacutus) who “debated” Bill Nye at the Creation Museum a while back, is very, very cross with fellow rightwing Christianist Pat Robertson because Robertson recently said that the Earth is not, in fact, six thousand years old. Ham said that Robertson’s rejection of the literal truth of the first chapters of Genesis was Bad For The Christians: “Sadly, it’s Pat Robertson who makes Christianity look silly, which is why the atheists love him today,” Ham said. “What a travesty! This man uses his position on a major Christian TV program to help the atheists mock God’s Word!” Now, now, Ken: we love you both, and we don’t play favorites. Better? Read more on Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight…
  old mother reagan

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks On The Advent Of Saint Reagan

Congratulations, America! After 400 years of divine guidance, we’ve finally gotten to the President that God wanted the most, Ronald Wilson Reagan (genuflection optional). Both of our textbooks for the Christian school market just love the heck out of him, of course, because he made America Great Again… or at least made us feel Great Again, which is every bit as important. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks On The Advent Of Saint Reagan…
  let's not stay together

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out

Pat Robertson has had quite the week. After sounding the alarm about the apocalyptic asteroid event that could happen next week, or ever, Robertson advised a 700 Club caller that his wife probably withheld sex because of childhood sexual abuse, and that obviously, the caller should just divorce her. Given that surveys have shown that 43% of women recount experiencing sexual dysfunction and 32 percent of mothers report going years without sex, we now expect to see a lot of 700 Club-inspired divorces as husbands ditch their frigid wives. This makes Pat Robertson worse for marriage than Dan Savage, who just thinks you should cheat. Read more on Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out…
  what does god need with an asteroid?

Pat Robertson Thought You Should Know About This Asteroid Jesus Is Sending Next Week Maybe

Sure, there’s your Glenn Becks and your Alex Joneses, but let’s never discount the pure joy of good old-fashioned batshit fundagelical craziness, and by that, we mean Pat Robertson, who 700 Clubbed us Tuesday with the news that any moment now, God may unleash the End of Days by sucker-punching the planet Earth with a bigass asteroid that will wipe out a third of humanity, just like He promised in the Book of Revelation. And it could happen next week! Or in a thousand years. But it’s definitely on the way! Oh, Pat Robertson, you are still a national treasure and we will never write you off as a has-been. Your old-school crazy is an inspiration to us all, and a reassuring presence: when so many hucksters come and go, you are a reliable source of unfiltered Jesustupidity. Read more on Pat Robertson Thought You Should Know About This Asteroid Jesus Is Sending Next Week Maybe…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?

In lieu of a Derp Roundup this week, we bring you a special weekend edition of Dear Shitferbrains, leading off with this very important observation from “bmmg39″ in response to our Clipbait piece about Sarah Palin’s appearance in a sketch on The Tonight Show. We’d said that it wasn’t terrible, that she had one good line, and that she surprised us by agreeing to participate in a gag about how close Russia and Alaska are. And so, of course, bmmg39 told us off for being so unreasonably hateful: I’m not sure what’s more entertaining: Palin’s appearance on T.T.S., or watching the “tolerant left” completely lose its [mind] over said appearance. Fallon can have on the president, the first lady, and countless other Democrats and “progressives,” but the minute he has on someone they don’t like he goes on their boycott list. It’s both hilarious and a little sad. Strangely, while there were certainly a number of comments (how did those even get there?) from people who said — sometimes with colorful epithets — that they didn’t like seeing Palin on Fallon’s show, nobody said a single thing about boycotting Fallon because of it. Odd, this rightwing reading comprehension. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?…