Tag Archives: pat robertson

  Bend over so Phyllis Schlafly can give you your 85 birthday spankings

Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!

Pat Robertson had a birthday on Sunday, and there was a party! It was a very nice party, and just like all balls-out birthday benders do, it had a keynote speaker named Dr. Ben Carson. (Yes, THAT Dr. Ben Carson.) The doctor said many nice words about America’s Jesus Grandpa, like how he is so positive about everything, as opposed to the negative people (GAYS). Also making an appearance in this here commemorative video is the booby-draper himself, former Secretary of State John Ashcroft. Luckily, he didn’t have to drape any boobies at Robertson’s party, they came pre-draped! Ashcroft said, and we quote, that he doesn’t want Pat Robertson to stop using his voice, because “America needs it, and I needs it.” Read more on Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!…
  Sealing Closets Shut

The Pat Robertson-Approved 12 Steps To Not Being Gay

Celebrity demon hunter and professional old nag Pat Robertson has some ideas about what to do about the gay. Surprise: it’s ex-gay rehab! On a recent edition of his teevee show “Christian Persecution Daily,” Pat answered a letter from a distraught mother whose family has been afflicted with demons. Poor “Ann” has suffered one blow after another: first her son came out to her as a gay, and not long after, as an atheist! She’s come to Pat beseeching his sage advice for how she can get him back on the straight and narrow, down on his knees servicing a shirtless Middle Eastern man. Read more on The Pat Robertson-Approved 12 Steps To Not Being Gay…
  If You Meet The Buddha At The Watercooler Kill Him

Pat Robertson Warns Lady To Quit Job Before Buddhist Coworkers Get Nirvana All Over Her

Make me one with everything
Forget flashy newcomers like Kevin Swanson or Gordon Klingenschmitt, ain’t no young whippersnappers ever gonna out-goofy ol’ Pat Robertson. As proof, consider his advice to “Tina,” who emailed regarding her workplace quandary about people who insist on believing in strange magical things that just aren’t true: Read more on Pat Robertson Warns Lady To Quit Job Before Buddhist Coworkers Get Nirvana All Over Her…
  The power of cash compels him

Only Pat Robertson Is Pat Robertson Enough To Pat Robertson The Devil Out Of You

We all know that in the old-timey days of Jesus, demons were running around, like, everywhere, doing demon things — that’s a FACT — but in today’s world, are demons still even a thing? “Linda,” faithful fan of televangelist Pat Robertson’s show The 700 Club, has not received any memos from God on that lately and wants to be sure: Read more on Only Pat Robertson Is Pat Robertson Enough To Pat Robertson The Devil Out Of You…
  Kortney loves her vegetables

Pat Robertson: You Know What’s Not Godly? Vegetables.

Can't. Even.
Televangelist conman-for-Jesus crazy mofo Pat Robertson has scammed a lot of money over the years by offering “the Lord’s” pro-tips on his teevee show, the 700 Club. We could devote 29 hours a day to watching him and trying to make jokes for you about what a crazy mofo that crazy mofo really is. However, we don’t have that kind of time, nor have we enough spoons with which to stab ourselves in the ear, so we limit ourselves (and you, dear readers, YOU’RE WELCOME) to the best of his worst. Like how yoga will turn you into a Hindu-speaking devil worshipper. Or how Jesus wants you to get rich quick by investing in oil, NOT abortion pills. Or why you should not touch that dirty orphan because you don’t know where it’s been. Read more on Pat Robertson: You Know What’s Not Godly? Vegetables….
  Going Back To Kali

Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts.

Danger Yoga!
Pat Robertson reminded his viewers (we assume he has some) on Tuesday that the world is beset with traps and snares for the unwary Christian, like the prospect that a simple exercise class could trick your innocent child into speaking in foreign tongues and invoking strange Hindoo devil-gods! Read more on Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts….
  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…
  Demons gonna read Harry Potter to your ultrasound babbies

Pat Robertson: Witches Might Curse Your Ultrasound Babbies If You Post Them On Facebook

We at the Wonkette don’t like to talk about every single stupid thing Pat Robertson says, because that would be a full website in and of itself, but man oh man, once in a while, Pat brings us some wisdom that we MUST, by law, share with you. One of Pat’s viewers, Cynthia, is very excited because she is going to be a grandmommy soon, but she is worried, because all the young kids with the Facebooks and the Obama phones are constantly posting pictures of their ultrasounds, so that everybody can be confused by what they’re looking at together. Cynthia would like to know if this is a sin or not. Read more on Pat Robertson: Witches Might Curse Your Ultrasound Babbies If You Post Them On Facebook…
  Here have some news n stuff

SCOTUS Throat-Crams Florida With Gay Marriage Because Duh, That’s What Happens Now

At this rate, we're going to run out of these
You really have to wonder why the “traditional marriage” crybaby bigots even bother anymore, when it’s so obvious that aside from the extra-ultra-conservatives who are in the teeny tiny minority, the highest court in the land does NOT want to hear their whining: Read more on SCOTUS Throat-Crams Florida With Gay Marriage Because Duh, That’s What Happens Now…
  Every Ted Pat And Harry

Pat Robertson Wishes Ted Cruz Would Settle Down And Be Sensible Like Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson doesn't like these sneaky 'confirming appointees' shenanigans
So here’s more fallout from the maneuvering on the Big Budget Bill this weekend: After Ted Cruz’s diddling with Senate rules opened the door for some of Barack Obama’s appointees to be confirmed, televangelist Pat Robertson decided that he doesn’t like this Ted Cruz fellow’s radicalism, not one little bit. Yes, kids, Ted Cruz is a bit way out for the guy who claims he can steer hurricanes. Read more on Pat Robertson Wishes Ted Cruz Would Settle Down And Be Sensible Like Pat Robertson…
  How fast would Jesus drive?

Pat Robertson Finds The One Thing In The World That Is Not A Sin

Zoom-zoomin' for Jesus
Televangelist huckster Pat Robertson is an expert on sin. In Robertson’s special-just-for-him version of the Bible, basically everything is a sin. Like wives who don’t put out — they are tools of the devil, and you should divorce them immediately. Sweaters from Goodwill? Yeah, those could be possessed by demonic demons, so buy retail if you want to stay right with God. Girl-on-girl movies? Sinful for sure, and they will turn your sweet little opposite-sex cheerleader into a raging bulldyke, obviously. And adopting orphans, who are icky, and whom you should definitely keep your distance from because they may have been abused and could be all messed up in the head. Actually, that’s not a sin, just a very bad idea, because you don’t know where they’ve been. Read more on Pat Robertson Finds The One Thing In The World That Is Not A Sin…
  You Got Your Science In My Religion: A Study In Contrasts

Pope Trolls Creationists, Says Evolution Is A Thing

Sure, they both believe in Invisible Sky Daddy. But one guy at least seems to live on this planet.
Pope Francis gave a lot of fundagelicals a sad Monday when he restated a fairly simple tenet of Catholic belief: There’s no contradiction between faith and science, particularly the theory of evolution and the Big Bang. Read more on Pope Trolls Creationists, Says Evolution Is A Thing…
  Die For Your Own Sins Taker

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills

Have you heard the good word about blood diamonds?
So let’s say you find some extra coin under the sofa cushion, and you’re thinking, “I should invest this and become a billionaire!” Good plan, you, because that’s how it works in America, as long as you’re wearing the right bootstraps. So whom should you call for investment advice? Why, televangelist scam artist and all-around scumsucker Pat Robertson! Read more on Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills…
  700 Flub

Pat Robertson Pretty Sure Obama’s Going To Behead Everybody Just Like He Did In Oklahoma

There he goes murdering jobs and the oil industry again
Today, we’ve learned a little more about last Thursday’s awful murder in Oklahoma, and according to the local district attorney, it appears that racial animosity may have had more to do with Alton Nolen’s motives than religion did. Read more on Pat Robertson Pretty Sure Obama’s Going To Behead Everybody Just Like He Did In Oklahoma…
  Derp Alert

Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition

Pat Robertson decided to open his frothy mouthhole and spew terrible advice to lonely self-hating shut-ins who still watch The 700 Club. On tap this time was a mother worried because her 21-year old daughter is a murderer rapist heathen Methodist LESBIAN!! What’s more, the parents had no idea: Read more on Pat Robertson Is A F***ing Waste of Space: Lesbian Edition…
  And At That Time A Friend Shall Lose His Friend's Hammer

Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together

She looks like she's calculating how long it would take to reach the emergency exit
ISIS is a bunch of unstoppable murderous thugs trying to drag the Middle East into a New Medieval Order, and Pat Robertson couldn’t be more tickled by the prospect. You see, children, Brother Pat is excited by their goal of unifying Iraq, Syria, and chunks of Egypt into a radical Islamist caliphate, because he’s pretty sure that would fulfill a prophecy from Isaiah 19: Read more on Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Bernie Sanders Says Shut Up, Pat Robertson Calls For Revolution (Again), And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Sorry, Virginia
We have good news and bad news. The good news is that it’s almost Friday. The bad news is that it’s not Friday yet. Here, have some news to make you laugh, cry, or just go back to bed. Read more on Bernie Sanders Says Shut Up, Pat Robertson Calls For Revolution (Again), And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  smells like teen spiritual decline

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence

Put on a plaid flannel shirt and break out your Nirvana CDs, kids, because our rightwing Christian textbooks are looking at the ’90s: Bill Clinton is the president, and America is in deep moral decline, because didn’t you just read the name of the president? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence…
  see also the erotic works of erma bombeck

Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex

Teevee God-botherer Pat Robertson took a trip to the 1950s Tuesday, advising a caller to his 700 Club cable wasteland that when her husband does chores around the house, the only proper thing to do is to spread her legs, because that is the deal in a good Christian marriage. Have women forgotten how that works? Read more on Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex…
  faith-off of the century

Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight

We always enjoy a good wingnut-on-wingnut squirmish, and here’s a dandy: “Young-Earth” creationist Ken Ham, the squirrel (or perhaps Cronopio dentiacutus) who “debated” Bill Nye at the Creation Museum a while back, is very, very cross with fellow rightwing Christianist Pat Robertson because Robertson recently said that the Earth is not, in fact, six thousand years old. Ham said that Robertson’s rejection of the literal truth of the first chapters of Genesis was Bad For The Christians: “Sadly, it’s Pat Robertson who makes Christianity look silly, which is why the atheists love him today,” Ham said. “What a travesty! This man uses his position on a major Christian TV program to help the atheists mock God’s Word!” Now, now, Ken: we love you both, and we don’t play favorites. Better? Read more on Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight…