Tag Archives: pat robertson

  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Sex bus.
Sex bus. Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don’t care, let’s talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he’s in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that’s in your top ten too. Weird week! Read more on Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Get Your Bingo Cards Out

Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo

Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity.
Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity. Wonder why bad things happen to good people? We’ve been scanning the dregs of the wingnuttosphere since Roanoke TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward were shot to death while doing a routine interview Wednesday, and you’ll be astonished at the range of reasons it happened. Or you might be astonished, if you’re new to our great nation and its insane politics. Welcome to America! Here, you’ll want this flak jacket. So why did this terrible thing happen? Here’s a handy roundup! Read more on Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo…
  duh

You’re Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion

God's financial analyst.
God’s financial analyst. Just like all U.S. Americans, Pat Robertson woke up Monday morning to news that the stock market is kinda batshit right now. It’s plunging! Then rallying, kind of! Then dipping again! By the time you read this, only Jesus knows what it’ll be doing, which is why Grandpa Pat takes comfort in What A Friend He Has In Jesus. Now, you might have gotten on the internet and Googled, “Why the hell is the stock market being bad?” And you might have found articles like this here thingamajig explainer in Slate, which says China’s stock market and currency are tanking and taking the rest of the world with them. And if you’re a common godless liberal, you believe it, like A Idiot. Read more on You’re Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won’t be there. OR WILL SHE? Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite “journalism” at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited. Read more on Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Crunchy Cooters, White Supremacists And Megyn Kelly. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Wonkette baby has formed opinions.
Wonkette baby has formed opinions. Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and it is also August, which means the news is WEIRD and all the journalists who write the important stories about why everything is the Holocaust are on vacation, which means your top ten stories are ALL OVER THE PLACE. And only ONE of them is remotely related to Donald Trump, aren’t you happy? Moreover, only ONE of them is about candidates in the 2016 Republican primary. Because really, fuck all those nerds. Read more on Crunchy Cooters, White Supremacists And Megyn Kelly. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Money money money

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?

PAY UP. Welcome back, sinners. It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We would like to take this time to remind our readers that unless you’ve paid your monthly $7.99 readers’ fee, in addition to keeping up on your annual $150 membership fee to our 2 Smart 4 Scammers Club, and thrown in a couple extra bucks towards Donna Rose’s college fund while you’re at it, you are forbidden to read this week’s edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin. We tried to erect a paywall like some sort of real newspaper, but we can’t afford to build that paywall unless you pay us the money to keep you away from our content! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?…
  whoa if true

BREAKING: Televangelist Scamster Pat Robertson Has Never Actually Read The Bible

Gather round, kidlets, time for another edition of What Do The Voices Say In Crazy Uncle Pat’s Brain Parts? On a recent episode of Pat Robertson’s Jesus Hour, a viewer named “Viewer” — no, seriously, they didn’t even bother to make up a name for this person this time, they just call him/her/it/whatever “Viewer,” and we are pretty sure the interns who have to write in the questions are just amusing themselves now, to see if Pat even notices, because of how he is older than God’s mom, and straight-up senile too, and probably they are sick of fetching him his Metamucil, EW GROSS, but anyway — Viewer submitted this question: Read more on BREAKING: Televangelist Scamster Pat Robertson Has Never Actually Read The Bible…
  Great advice if you're an idiot

Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids

Good advice bro!
It’s time for another episode of Pat Robertson answers an email from a viewer who probably doesn’t exist! What’s wrong, “Elizabeth”? Oh, you are a grandmommy, and your 6-year-old grandson hates Jesus? That sounds bad! Wait, he doesn’t even BELIEVE in Jesus, because he is an atheist? Does your grandson happen to live in Indiana and the ACLU is suing because his teacher is an atheist-shaming asshole? Oh no, that is a different story, our bad. Well, where did he get these “Jesus is imaginary like Santa” ideas? FROM HIS PARENTS, you say? This sounds like a situation Grandma needs to stick her God-fearing nose into! Read more on Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids…
  God is so forgetful

Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court

Viewers ask the darnedest questions!
It’s time for another edition of viewer questions with Pat Robertson, which are sent by totally real viewers who exist, to Pat Robertson, so that his wisdom may be bestowed upon them. Whatcha curious about, “Eugene”? Oh, just how the Supreme Court that throatcrammed America with abortion was full of Republicans, who voted to kill all the unborned fetuses, and how did that silly forgetful Lord of ours not murder those justices and send them to hell? Read more on Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court…
  Oh lord

Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog

We figured televangelist scamster Pat Robertson would have been raptured by now, what with the Gaypocalypse and all. But nah, he is making words, still, on the teevee, with his 213-year-old senile talking hole. Sure, they are mostly nonsense words, because of how he is 213 and also senile. That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home, like when he says he raced his sports car in the mountains at TWO hundred miles per hour, and the sidekick nervously laughs and says he probably means ONE hundred miles per hour, ha … ha … ha … and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks. Read more on Pat Robertson Still Worried You’re Gonna Gay-Bang Your Dog…
  Get Your Nerd On

John Lewis Is A Comics Superhero, Prepare For Ludicrous Speed, And Earth 2.0: Your Saturday Nerd-Out

He went for period accuracy where possible, but left out the tear gas and clubs
Happy Saturday, and welcome to your moment of Nerding: Just a few stories that we thought were pretty cool because they appeal to the geek in us. Real Life Superhero Cosplays As Himself For starters, how about congressman John Lewis of Georgia, attending his second Comic-Con last Saturday and getting into the whole cosplay scene, dressing as a character from March: Book 2, the comics memoir that he co-wrote with former campaign aide Andrew Aydin, with art by Nate Powell. To be specific, Lewis decided to dress up as the “John Lewis in 1965” character from the book. The Washington Post had a lovely story this week about how it all happened: Read more on John Lewis Is A Comics Superhero, Prepare For Ludicrous Speed, And Earth 2.0: Your Saturday Nerd-Out…
  Give until it hurts.

It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Nothing cuter in the world than the newborn baby burrito. NOTHING.
WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY. Hey, did you hear Wonkette had a baby? As you read this, Ms. Donna Rose, daughter of yr Editrix Rebecca and her dashing pixel husband Shy, is on her third full day of being a fully formed, bee-yootiful babby, and her Wonkette uncles and aunt could not be more excited. Read more on It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Delete your show

This Is The Worst Thing Pat Robertson Has Ever Said

Televangelist scam artist Pat Robertson has said some horrible, terrible, evil, awful words in his 315 years on this Earth. About how to beat your kids just right, how to pray the gay away, how to doll yourself up so your husband doesn’t cheat on you. Also, some straight-up crazy talk about Satanic vegetables. Usually, we try to find the funny — haha, look what creepy old Uncle Pat said on his show today! — and then we make some jokes about it. But Robertson’s advice to “Jane,” on how to comfort a coworker whose three-year-old died, is So. Fucking. The Worst: Read more on This Is The Worst Thing Pat Robertson Has Ever Said…
  Shucks And Aww

Even Crazy Old Pat Robertson Knows Iraq War Was A Mistake, Sorta

Funny, he didn't prophesy that coming
Pat Robertson is just the latest rightwinger to decide that, as of right now, the Iraq War wasn’t such a terrific idea after all. Not that George W. Bush sold us the war based on a pack of lies or anything — he was just misled by the flawed intelligence, don’t you know. But on Tuesday’s episode of the 700 Club, Robertson was pretty clear that the war was a bad idea from the get-go, and everybody knew it (except for how they didn’t know it at the time, of course). Not that too much introspection is called for, because hey, it happened, what’re you going to do about it? Read more on Even Crazy Old Pat Robertson Knows Iraq War Was A Mistake, Sorta…
  It could happen to anyone

Pat Robertson: It’s Cool If Your Husband Gets Drunk And Blows That Guy Just The One Time

Mark your calendars, kids, because today is one of those rare occasions when we are shocked and awed by scamster televangelist and occasional speed demon Pat Robertson. Usually, we find his half-cocked-and-mostly-senile word meanderings predictably amusing, but darn it if that silly fella doesn’t keep us on our toes, by sometimes saying things we would never have expected. Read more on Pat Robertson: It’s Cool If Your Husband Gets Drunk And Blows That Guy Just The One Time…