Wonkette

Pat Robertson talks to God, who is obviously as obsessed with the 2008 Presidential elections as anyone because he doesn’t care that much about any of the other problems in the world because we’re like the really big Christian Nation. And although Robertson already endorsed Giuliani before this year’s chat with God, God told him some stuff. Important stuff. Election-y stuff.

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As you made your New Year’s Resolution this (last?) year, did you take into account what THE LORD OUR GOD may have wanted you to decide? Oh you did? Well you were probably wrong. Because Pat Robertson spoke directly to God and got the old man’s resolution, as he informed viewers on his teevee program today. In case you forgot to TiVo it, God’s plan is simple and generous (you know God!): He’s “going to give us China.” MORE »

It likely comes as little surprise to Wonkette readers that Pat Robertson is batshit. Your editors wouldn’t be doing their collective job if you thought he was at all sane. But watch this clip as that realization comes slowly to his co-host, as Robertson says that the complete destruction of Kennebunkport and last week’s ice storms in the Midwest are God’s revenge for not being solicitous enough to Israel. She looks kind of like a rabbit in a trap by the end, doesn’t she? By the way, have we mentioned recently that Giuliani sought and received Robertson’s endorsement? Just checking.

Pat Robertson has issued a warning to us degenerates, alcoholics, homosexuals and sex-outside-of-wedlock havers: stay off of I-35 (aka, Ron Paul’s NAFTA Superhighway of the End of American Autonomy) or face the love/wrath of God. Above, his minions explain how God’s prophecies have led a bunch of people who kinda scare me to run around trying to convince everyone on I-35 to be more like them, what with the swaying and the crying and the hearing voices. Today, it’s purity sieges on I-35; tomorrow, we Coastal types will be fighting them off like zombies. [Video courtesy of People For the American Way]

Pat Robertson’s endorsement of 9udy 11iuliani yesterday (above) was all the more surprising given the nature of its timing. As the two were on stage yesterday celebrating their unbeatable combination of Jesus and racism, Sam Brownback — the social conservative’s senator of choice — was announcing his endorsement of John McCain. So one social conservative endorses the abortionist, another endorses the Mexican-lover… Does anyone else smell a CONSPIRACY>?#@ MORE »

Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani this morning, despite the latter’s obvious hatred of God. Watch Joe Scarborough break it down in the clip above! And in other social conservative news, ex-presidential candidate Sen. Sam Brownback will endorse John McCain this afternoon in Iowa. No one loves Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney sad!

Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani [WP]
McCain gets conservative boost with Brownback endorsement [CNN]

Mormon-Scientologist Mitt Romney (pictured here with The Joker) was down at Regent University earning a master’s degree in Pretend World History yesterday, and he told an audience of future Monica Goodlings all about a crazy land called “France,” where the ladies wear no pants and people only mate every seven years on their home planet of Vulcan.

He also criticized people who choose not to get married because they enjoy the single life.

“It seems that Europe leads Americans in this way of thinking,” Romney told the crowd of more than 5,000. “In France, for instance, I’m told that marriage is now frequently contracted in seven-year terms where either party may move on when their term is up. How shallow and how different from the Europe of the past.”

While this is not true in any way, seven-year marriage contracts are a humorous feature of neo-con sci-fi author Orson Scott Card’s book The Memory of Earth, which is itself a science-fictionalization of The Book of Mormon.

We’re very close to endorsing Mitt Romney for President, because we really want to see Earth start a war with the Klingons. MORE »

The criminal Jesus Freak who praised the 9/11 attacks as being just what the USA deserved (due to homosexuals and feminists) is now promising his own terror attack on America — and this time, it’s Nuclear. MORE »

• Reliable Source: You all laughed, but Jenna Bush’s “internship” with “UNICEF” sent her to Paraguay, and we all know what that means. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Pat Robertson has a coloring book. [Examiner]
• Rush and Molloy: Woodward and Bernstein tell-all shit-talk extravaganza: Their old editor hates them, Bob thinks Carl’s lazy, etc. No mention of Woodward being a CIA plant. [NYDN]

This Dallas Observer story about a bodybuilder suing Pat Robertson involved a number of complicated legal issues, but the gist of it is, Pat Robertson is a prick. That’s what we got out of it, anyway. Highlights: MORE »

* This is how the world will end, not with a bang, but a clank, and the thump of a pneumatic hammer on an elevator. We’re relieved that no one was hurt, but it sure was exciting covering all the action. Er, whatever it is that passes for action. In the end, the biggest danger of the day was the risk of some soiled gabardine, but even that was averted. MORE »

Some of you doubt Pat. Sure, you think it’s “big” and “cool” to not believe that the holiest most beloved-by-Jesus man in the world is also the strongest. Here’s what a couple emailers had to say:

I am a wrestling coach and longtime weightlifter. The video shows a hip sled loaded with three 45 lb. plates and two of those rubber plates used to make it look like you’re lifting more than you are (deep blue 10, green 25). So I’m guessing 330 lbs, tops; and it’s a HIP SLED, not a squat or a bench press, so yeah, a man of his age and of average vigor who works out regularly could do that. But 2000? Uh-uh.

A few more reactions, after the jump.

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Did we sound unimpressed when we mentioned earlier that Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 pounds? If so, we wish to rectify that now: PAT ROBERTSON CAN LEG PRESS 2,000 FUCKING POUNDS! How do we know it’s true? His spokesman told CBS Sportsline: MORE »