Tag Archives: pastor

  Maybe your heritage is bad and you should feel bad

Lindsey Graham Says Being Confederate Loser Racists Is Just Part Of Who We Are, Y’all

First they came for the biathletes and I said nothing...
Southern gentleman Lindsey Graham would like all y’all to kindly leave his state of South Carolina and its proud heritage alone. Sure, some people think it’s despicable that the Confederate freak flag still flies over the state capitol — because the South shall rise again, or at least spend more than a century being real damn bitter about that time it got its ass kicked by the United States and couldn’t have slaves anymore, BOO HOO, and then it was forced to integrate its pools and schools, so unfair. Read more on Lindsey Graham Says Being Confederate Loser Racists Is Just Part Of Who We Are, Y’all…
  fuck this guy

Jeb Bush Doesn’t Wanna Believe Racist Murderer Is Racist, And You Can’t Make Him

Why do nobody think I smarts?
It really is OK to say that the massacre of nine African Americans in their church was a racially motivated hate crime. How do we know? Because Dylann Roof, the confessed murderer, said so. There’s no need to speculate about what, besides race, might have motivated him to join a Bible study group for an hour, at the historical Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, on Wednesday night, and then shoot almost everyone dead, gladly leaving a survivor to tell the world what he’d done and why. Race is the answer, according to the guy who did it. Asked and answered, the end. Read more on Jeb Bush Doesn’t Wanna Believe Racist Murderer Is Racist, And You Can’t Make Him…
  Maybe it's a post-racial hate crime

Dylann Roof Confesses To Murdering 9 To Start Race War, Real Motive Still Unknown

Confederate flag plates just a coincidence
Perhaps now we can stop looking for some way to explain how a young white man murdering nine people in a black church — after telling his victims he was there to kill black people and “you have to go” — was not really about race: Read more on Dylann Roof Confesses To Murdering 9 To Start Race War, Real Motive Still Unknown…
  Why does he always have to politicize everything?

President Obama Divides Nation, Says Charleston Shooting Involved Gun

President Obama spoke briefly about the church shooting in Charleston that left nine dead, in what the Department of Justice and other authorities are investigating as a hate crime. There’s no official word from the feds on what kind of hate crime, so per Fox News and other rightwing “news” outlets, it’s likely the alleged shooter spewed racist epithets and wanted to take his country back from the black congregation because he was primarily motivated by his hatred of Christians, of all races. Read more on President Obama Divides Nation, Says Charleston Shooting Involved Gun…
  You were expecting something else?

Fox News Condemns Vicious Hate Crime In Charleston — Against Christians

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
This is something you don’t see every day. Or ever. But the dimwits at “Fox & Friends” are quite upset about an alleged hate crime committed by a white man that left nine people dead in Charleston, South Carolina. (We’d call it terrorism if the suspect were dark-skinned and Muslim, but he’s not, and we all know white men don’t do terrorism.) Read more on Fox News Condemns Vicious Hate Crime In Charleston — Against Christians…
  'No More Hurting People. Peace'

Gunman Kills 9 At Black Church In Charleston, Clearly An Isolated Incident

A white gunman sat and prayed for an hour with members of Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, on Wednesday night, then started shooting. Nine people are dead, including the church’s pastor, Rev. Clementa Pinckney, who also served in the state senate. There were only three survivors. State and federal law enforcement are investigating the shooting as a hate crime. And Jesus Christ, what is wrong with America? Read more on Gunman Kills 9 At Black Church In Charleston, Clearly An Isolated Incident…
  The Gun Is Good. The Penis Is Better

Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders

Male supremacy: An idea whose time may at last be here
Meet Pastor Bill Lytell of the Gospel Baptist Church in Bonita Springs, Florida. He’s got a pretty fab new insight into how God wants things to work: Men should always be the boss of ladies, and not ever the other way around, because of God’s mighty penis and the hefty testicles of Adam, Moses, and Jesus (make no mistake though, they all lived at different times, and therefore their weighty mansacks never touched, so no homo). Read more on Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders…
  Aroint Thee Witch

Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick

Oh bother, oh Baphomet.
The malign presence of Mitch Kahle, a confessed atheist witch-demon, has placed the Goodchristian town of Norton Shores, Michigan, in a Peril of losing its magick protections against evil. Kahle has already used his darck maege powers to beguile the smallbarons who do sitte upon the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners; And lo they did as he bade, purging the works of the Lord from the land. A blessed inscription of a Psalm at a publick parck is e’en now been rent asunder, and by some weirde alchemy, a towering crucifix that once stood proude on the commone Lande is become a scow’s anchor. Read more on Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick…
  Who Would Jesus Punch?

Pastor Remembers That Time He Punched Jesus Right Into A Kid

We all have our right cross to bear
Pastor Eric Dammann has an inspirational story about the time he punched a smart-aleck kid right in the chest, bringing him to the Lord. You know, like when Jesus said, “Let your left hand not know what your right hook is doing.” Read more on Pastor Remembers That Time He Punched Jesus Right Into A Kid…
  Next Time Just Stick To Gluttony And Sloth

Pervy Nonagenarian Televangelist Did … Oh Jesus Christ

Now grab the back of your TV set...
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from the faith-healing ministry leader and televangelist Ernest Angley, who was also the the real-life inspiration for Robin Williams’s classic “Reverend Earnest Angry.” Until 35 years later, when Monday we read that Rev. Angley is doing his very best to out-Bake Jim Bakker and Out-Swagger Jimmy Swaggart. Those chumps may have been satisfied with mere sexxytimes shenanigans and fraud (Bakker), and sad masturbatory prostie visits (Swaggart), but by Crom, no way were such penny-ante scandals going to be enough for Ernest Angley. No, he’s going to close out his 60-something-year career with accusations of full-blown cultism, complete with creepy control over his flock’s sex lives — forcing men to have vasectomies and women to have abortions — and to top it off, several years of unwanted laying on of hands on a former pastor and allowing sexual abuse of boys in the church, allegedly. Read more on Pervy Nonagenarian Televangelist Did … Oh Jesus Christ…
  those who can't...

Author Of Excellent ‘Stop Being Gay’ Book Arrested For Molesting Teen Boy, Allegedly, Again

A Pittsburgh pastor who wrote a not-quite-bestselling book about his successful struggle to become a former gay has been arrested for sexually assaulting a teenaged boy. On the one hand, it looks like pretty strong evidence that attempts to pray away the gay just don’t take, but we’d also like to point out that, comes right down to it, the gay is a far less problematic issue here than the teenager-raping. Dare we even suggest that if Bishop Duane Youngblood of the “Higher Call World Outreach Church” had just settled down to being a happily gay man instead of trying to force himself to be straight, it’s entirely possible he wouldn’t have done nonconsensual sex to a teen who came to him for counseling? We don’t claim to be experts on this stuff. Read more on Author Of Excellent ‘Stop Being Gay’ Book Arrested For Molesting Teen Boy, Allegedly, Again…
  reverse cowgirl for jesus

Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why

Ladies, it’s all your fault. Hopefully you realize this by now, because all the evidence is clear, and there is literally nothing that cannot be blamed on you. Like how you will divorce your husband just because he is having penile-vaginal relations with another woman, when it’s obviously your fault he was cheating in the first place! Det Bowers, a pastor challenging Lindsey Graham in the South Carolina GOP Senate primary, once blamed women for causing most divorces — even when husbands are unfaithful to their wives. You’ll never guess the reason. (Hint: It is blatant woman-hating sexism shrouded in a thin veneer of self-righteous religious bullshit.) Read more on Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why…
  slippery slope

Gay Marriage Murdering Straight Marriage After All. Whoops.

Hey, when we’re wrong, we’re wrong. And so it is that for the past 20 years (we were a VERY early adopter), when we asserted that gay marriage was awesome and anybody who had a problem with it was an unreconstructed bigot, and when we laughed — LAUGHED — at those who claimed gay marriage would murder straight marriages, well, mistakes were made, those statements are no longer operative, and other vague ways of saying “someone fucked up probably not us but maybe us who can ever know let’s stop with the fingerpointingblamegaming.” Specifically: this pastor dude just got arrested for ALLEGEDLY murdering his wife so he could gay marry his boyfriend. Next, he will murder the boyfriend so his couch can marry some beans. Read more on Gay Marriage Murdering Straight Marriage After All. Whoops….
  dicktember

Retired Wyoming Pastor Just Too Sexy To Not Solicit Sexytimes From Undercover Cop

Rev. Bryant Badger, 75, a retired pastor in Casper, Wyoming, was arrested near a park Sunday and charged with public indecency after trying to have sex in an SUV with an undercover cop. The sting operation was prompted when a high school coach found “multiple obscene notes” in a portable toilet at a local park and reported them to police. The ha-ha part of the story, of course, is Badger’s lame excuse for soliciting sex by leaving notes in a park toilet: The affidavit says Badger told police he had a high sex drive and could not control his urges to have sex. “It’s wrong,” Badger said, according to the report. The not quite as hilarious question is maybe why a sting operation was necessary to go after an old man who wanted a blowjob and who initially invited the officer to come to his home, where whatever indecency that might have gone on would definitely not have been public. Read more on Retired Wyoming Pastor Just Too Sexy To Not Solicit Sexytimes From Undercover Cop…
  scum of a preacher man

Skeevy Pastor Arrested After His ‘Healing Hands’ Groped More Than 20 Women

Well here’s a scenario for your horror movie screenplay: an associate pastor at a church in Norwalk, California, has been arrested on suspicion of sexually assaulting over 20 women, telling them that he had to do sex things to them as part of his very special faith healing process. Legitimate practitioners of faith healing were quick to condemn the actions of Jorge Juan Castro, pointing out that while faith healing is supposed to be medically worthless and maybe involve some financial fraud, it should not actually involve rape. Read more on Skeevy Pastor Arrested After His ‘Healing Hands’ Groped More Than 20 Women…
  i saw satan laughing with delight

Tennessee Church Harshes Nice Time, Shuns Mom For Holding Gay Daughter’s Hand

Wouldn’t you know it — a Tennessee church has gone and thrown a big steaming pile of Godnastiness all over our nice-time story from a couple weeks back. As you may recall, the Chattanooga suburb of Collegedale became the first city in Tennessee to offer equal benefits to same-sex spouses of its municipal employees, and we all had a nice warm feeling about that. And we all applauded Collegedale police detective Kat Cooper, who had testified in favor of the new law and led the effort to get it passed. And now, Kat Cooper’s mother, Linda, has been expelled from her church for standing with her daughter at the city council meetings. Oh, Christianists — is there anything you can’t turn into an excuse for ugliness and division in the name of the Prince of Peace? Read more on Tennessee Church Harshes Nice Time, Shuns Mom For Holding Gay Daughter’s Hand…