Wonkette

The weekend is, fundamentally, a series of days, two days, in which Americans have a choice — an important choice — for the states, federally. But even not all Americans are going to agree, absolutely, so that’s why we have choices in terms of the law of the land, in this great nation of Alas– America. The United States. For all people really, and John McCain has always said culture is the key to, embracing America, on a state level, for the good folks in Washington DC. MORE »

• Say goodbye to all the zeitgeist-y cover stories in your City Paper. [The Georgetown Voice]
• Here is a nauseating list of all eggs and ice cream and coffee that famous Washington celebrities eat upon waking. [DCist]
• Why all DCs bagels are so terrible, and a $700 billion Bagel Bailout Plan. [City Paper]
• Ha ha, here are the photos from Roll Call’s “Fabulous Fifty” Party, which are just shots of a dozen or so frustrated people yelling into cell phones and avoiding eye contact by sadly looking down into their Diet Pepsis. [Fishbowl DC]
• Terrible fake postal terrorism struck the Dept. of Veterans’ Affairs, as an envelope arrived brimming with Suspicious White Powder and intolerance. [Washington Post]

“A campaign official for the Virginia Lieutenant Governor cancelled an order for 150 guidebooks to entertainment in Minneapolis-St. Paul after discovering they included a 6-8 page section for gay and lesbian nightclubs. …[The publisher's] website features information and listings for an array of nightlife activities for gays and lesbians in the Minneapolis area, including ‘queer speed dating,’ trivia night, and dildo bingo.” Aww, now the Lieutenant Governor will have to play dildo bingo by himself. Jesus never meant for this. [ABC News]

Your associate editor took a long, expensive cab ride to a party at the club Aqua, in Minneapolis, and, despite having a ticket, was rejected. SAD. Here’s what happened: this thieving piece of trash “security” tranny asked us whether we were with the media before we even entered the line, and then told us we weren’t “on the media list.” Shortly thereafter we procured our regular, non-media ticket and were about to enter until, then, this same tranny told us we could not enter because she already “knew” we were with the media. “I have the right to revoke the ticket, this is a private affair, no media,” spaketh the tranny. Well, fine. But did she think we didn’t know what was going on in there? MORE »

Here is some footage of blogger Matt Yglesias talking about fallen American hero Tim Russert. (Matt once wrote about how unbearably inane Russert was, and then Russert died three weeks later, and everybody on the Internet hated Matt for being so insensitive the end.) We made this poor fellow say terrible things for the camera by promising him beers, which were free, at the Summit Brewing Company last night. Thanks Utne Reader for the fun party! [Matthew Yglesias, YouTube]

John McCain has bravely declared that all Republicans must put on their “American hats” and, at least for this week, pretend to care about Americans or black people or whatever. As a result, the hotels and convention center are buzzing with the most horrible kind of rumor: A whole bunch of RNC cocktail parties and coke fests are being canceled. Jesus, could anything so terrible possibly be true? MORE »

• WATCH YR CORNHOLE BUD: Ha, this dude we met at a cigar and liquor (and dildo) party the other night was comically arrested, covering “the role of corporate lobbyists and wealthy donors at the convention for a series of Money Trail reports” for ABC News. Well, when we saw him, he was just throwin’ those drinks down and taking pictures of the bar band, and smoking cigars. Then again there were creepy members of Congress there sidling up to the (surprising amount of) hot ass in town. But now our poor friend from ABC News is in jail for taking their pictures. We’ll see you on the other side, Asa. [TV Newser]

• CONVENTION PARTIES ARE TERRIBLE: Bill Maher doesn’t want people getting up while he does his comedy act, so people weren’t allowed to go outside for a cigarette at Rolling Stone’s condom party. [The Field]

SPEAKING OF CONVENTION PARTY TIME: Regarding this, about the fancy cocktail parties in Denver and St. Paul, Wonkette is not seeing quite enough invitations. We’ll need four invites for all the fun things, thanks, and then we’ll post the sexy pictures here. [The Hill]

We were so excited about the MCCAIN NATION, and yet our very first request to attend a McCain party was stone cold rejected. The Straight Talk Express minces no words when it comes to telling its fans a particular event has reached capacity! A similar email from the Obama campaign would have had the subject line, “Barack Obama Wants To Meet With You In Person And Make Out With You,” and then a big long paragraph about how great you look in that outfit, and then a request for money, and then at the end one very quick sentence: “By the way please try to come to a different event, because this one is full.”

The only worthwhile event in Washington all summer is finally happening this weekend: The R[EVOL]UTION MARCH, in support of failed presidential candidate Dr. Ron Paul, in which he will be joining the most Paultarded of Paultards in a march along Constitution Ave. — that, my friends, is not an accident — to the Capitol, which they will firebomb with flaming crossbows. We will proudly be attending this Saturday. Details! MORE »

Wonkette videographer Liz Glover is rapidly becoming the most famous person in Washington, D.C., and if you need proof, here she is partying with our city’s racist football team, the Redskins. She scored an invite to the 28th birthday party for Santana Moss, a very talented footballer! She meets a number of other All Stars there too — including Moss’ brother, “Sinorice” — and asks them about all the tragic hazing they play on the rookies, many of whom will be scarred permanently and later settle for dead-end jobs as Hill staffers. [Examiner]

This Saturday is the annual White House Correspondents Association dinner in Washington D.C., a.k.a. former Wonkette editor Alex Pareene’s favorite night of the year! And as in previous years, your Wonkette will not be going to the stupid dinner but will be attending after parties thrown by various Main Stream Media publications and networks. One of the most select is the Bloomberg party, the organizers of which HAVE NOT RETURNED OUR E-MAIL YET but did let this random DUDE in who obviously plans on cheating on his boyfriend, with a Wingboy. [Craigslist]