Tag Archives: parties

  Bend over so Phyllis Schlafly can give you your 85 birthday spankings

Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!

Pat Robertson had a birthday on Sunday, and there was a party! It was a very nice party, and just like all balls-out birthday benders do, it had a keynote speaker named Dr. Ben Carson. (Yes, THAT Dr. Ben Carson.) The doctor said many nice words about America’s Jesus Grandpa, like how he is so positive about everything, as opposed to the negative people (GAYS). Also making an appearance in this here commemorative video is the booby-draper himself, former Secretary of State John Ashcroft. Luckily, he didn’t have to drape any boobies at Robertson’s party, they came pre-draped! Ashcroft said, and we quote, that he doesn’t want Pat Robertson to stop using his voice, because “America needs it, and I needs it.” Read more on Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!…
  Missionary positions available

Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!

Imagine you are a center of Legitimate Jesus Worship during the day, and a center of NEKKID BEACH PARTIES at night, because this is part of your “ministry.” You would be the Life Center: A Spiritual Community church, in Panama City Beach, and now the mean government is saying you’ve lost your tax exempt status because they’re just not sure college kids painting their naked Adam and Eve parts for Spring Break time on the beach is something any benevolent deity has actually requested recently. The government is the WORST: Read more on Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!…
  talking to empty chairs

Why Are You Not Partying With Your Editirx In Glamorous Los Angeles, Right Now?

PEOPLE! We just heard from your Editrix, who is at her party at Busby’s East! This is at 5364 Wilshire Blvd., in Los Angeles, as if you don’t know. (323) 525-2615 is the phone number. Anyway she is “making new friends” which based on past antics might have wacky consequences. So go join her, for fun! She is the pretty one, above! Just show up and make an introduction! They’ll be fun! And we think there’s free beer? Don’t quote us on this. (Go ahead and quote us.) There will be no better place to be when Barry wins (or loses!) then with fellow Wonketteers. Do it! Read more on Why Are You Not Partying With Your Editirx In Glamorous Los Angeles, Right Now?…
  twits

It Is Not Very Hard To Get Kicked Out Of A Politico Party Apparently

Tampa, Day Something — We had just gotten a small glass of Bulleit (the greatest bourbon) from the very sweet twenty-nothing barkeep, when a lady, who just moments before had gotten what looked to be a lovely pinot grigio, walked over and told us the bar was closed. Oh, okay, certainly! we said as we paused to take a sip. “No the bar is closed now,” she explained, and the dozen people standing with their drinks waited for us to put down our glass and let security escort us to the elevator. Apparently, we got kicked out of a Politico party for tweeting mean things? That is weird, right? Is that weird? Like, don’t put a hashtag in front of people and then expect them not to call you barfy? That is just how hashtags work! Read more on It Is Not Very Hard To Get Kicked Out Of A Politico Party Apparently…
  let us now praise famous men

Barack Obama Now Destroying Your Liberty By Throwing Fabulous Food Stamp Parties

First they gave us Pre-Existing-Condition Insurance Plans, and I said nothing, because I had a pre-existing condition and now I have insurance with no lifetime or annual limit for $244 a month. Now how is Barack Hussein Nobama trying to be worse than Hitler + 9/11 x the tsunami + Fukushima? By trying to increase participation in SNAP (the federal food stamp program) with parties. A pamphlet currently posted at the USDA website encourages local SNAP offices to throw parties as one way to get potentially eligible seniors to enroll in the program. “Throw a Great Party. Host social events where people mix and mingle,” the agency advises. “Make it fun by having activities, games, food, and entertainment, and provide information about SNAP. Putting SNAP information in a game format like BINGO, crossword puzzles, or even a ‘true/false’ quiz is fun and helps get your message across in a memorable way.” Dude, those sound like superfun parties that everyone would want to go to! But is there something perhaps nefarious about this? OF COURSE there is! DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! Read more on Barack Obama Now Destroying Your Liberty By Throwing Fabulous Food Stamp Parties…
  don't drink don't smoke what do you do?

Important Wonkette Party Announcement, About Parties And Your Wonkette

The Wonkette Drinky Meetup Salons begin with a party one week from today in Los Angeles, California. (Next up will be Detroit in early June. You excited, Detroit? When’s the last time someone came to see you? Long time, right? Here, let us wipe your tears and hand you a xanax.) All comers are welcome, and the first 10 pitchers (for everyone, not each, don’t be greedy) are on us. So please join Kirsten Boyd Johnson, Sara Benincasa, and me, your Editrix, for so much fried food (also we will buy you some fried food) and nonsense. Details on the other side. Read more on Important Wonkette Party Announcement, About Parties And Your Wonkette…
  DRINK!

Liveblogging the Sorry State of the Union! Which Is Still Around!

Yo yo yo! We are not hosting a children’s Game of Thrones-themed birthday party with Obama as the entertainment/clown, as this picture might indicate. But we ARE conveying to you the state of the State of the Union of 2012! Which — here that thing is. The boring old Oval Office has already LEAKED INFORMATIONS about what this particular SOTU will contain, but Obama’s ability to be spontaneous, irate, drunk and giggly in public leads us to believe this thing will be worth watching. When’s the soonest that we will have money and jobs again? What is money, anyway? What is a president? And so on. Please stay for the breakdown of the breakdown, and play our SOTU 2012 game of drinks while you’re at it. Let the standing and clapping and announcements of free cash payouts to every American except Romney and a few others begin! Read more on Liveblogging the Sorry State of the Union! Which Is Still Around!…
  wonkette exclusives

Wonkette Infiltrates Daily Caller Bow Tie Kegger

You are probably unaware — because you are an ignorant liberal — but Tucker Carlson bought his Internet website a “kegerator,” which is a made-up word for a fancy contraption that pees beer. Anyway: Now the Daily Caller is always boozing on the job and occasionally these winos even invite other people to booze with them too — people like Your Wonkette. How did Wonkette secure special VIP tickets to the latest Daily Caller Bow Tie Kegger, which was last evening? We will never know, not ever. But did we also manage to score a hawt photo with Tucker Carlson, who was wearing a very handsome pair of pink trousers? Read more on Wonkette Infiltrates Daily Caller Bow Tie Kegger…
  house party-planning committee

Congressional Candidate Plans Out Private Birth Certificate Viewing

Look, Michigan Congressional candidate Tim Walberg will take President Obama “at his word” that he’s an American citizen. But that doesn’t mean Obama can’t have some fun with his birth certificate! Walberg is just thinking out loud here, but Obama should probably invite “Rush Limbaugh, Alan Colmes, Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, and maybe one justice of the U.S. Supreme Court” to his house and just lay it out there for them to admire. That seems like the precise roster of people who hold the most power in the United States government, so why doesn’t Obama take this Walberg fellow’s advice and hold this nice little birth certificate get-together? Otherwise, this guy WILL impeach you, even though he believes you are an American citizen. Read more on Congressional Candidate Plans Out Private Birth Certificate Viewing…
 

Party Crashing: Wonkette Makes Real-Life Appearance At Hirshhorn Hipster-Fest

Every few months, the Hirshhorn Museum charges local hipsters to look at art that is free to look at every other day of the year. After paying, the hipsters must wait in line to then wait in line some more to buy drinks and to dance with Summer Camp, DC’s favorite drag queen, at the After Hours party. Team Wonkette has become less and less agoraphobic over the years (except for Jack, who still has yet to prove he’s real) and was on assignment at the party last Friday night. How could we miss this opportunity to get busy with the hipster underbelly of DC, wear skinny jeans and not really look at the art in favor of drinking? Read more on Party Crashing: Wonkette Makes Real-Life Appearance At Hirshhorn Hipster-Fest…
  we're there

David Frum Wants Your Snuggie (With You In It?)

Constantly fired conservative David Frum is throwing an ironical party for himself, after his latest firing from the American Enterprise Institute, where his liberal “we should negotiate in good faith with the majority party” views didn’t please prospective donors. He is now very unemployed, having only five or six regular columnist jobs. And what about FrumForum? Don’t group blogs make tons of money? [Washington Independent] Read more on David Frum Wants Your Snuggie (With You In It?)…
  happy alcoholidays

John Kerry’s Drunk Daughter Busted In Hollywood

Oh jeez we will have to rewrite this lede to cover the (allegedly!) drunken Democrats who will all be arrested in Hollywood every night until Jesus’ birthday and the New Year are safely behind us: “It’s the holiday season, which means the Northern Virginia suburbs Hollywood are is going to be particularly deadly until January 3 or so, as Republican congresspeople elitist Democrats and their drunken wives and rent boys adult children wreak havoc on the icy semen-slick suburban gentrified urban streets.” Read more on John Kerry’s Drunk Daughter Busted In Hollywood…
  oh right of course he is a leo

Bill Clinton Celebrates His Birthday Early

Former president Bill Clinton gathered together a bunch of his dude friends and celebrated his 63rd birthday in Las Vegas eating steaks cut from the loins of actual angels and topped with a port wine reduction. Guests included rum-soaked popinjay Terry McAuliffe and Steve Bing, that guy who impregnated Liz Hurley once. Clinton’s “real” birthday is August 19. [The Caucus] Read more on Bill Clinton Celebrates His Birthday Early…
  wonkette literary corner

An Interview With Grant Ginder, Writer Of Washington Fictions

Your Wonkette recently had the pleasure of interviewing Center for American Progress speechwriter and “nouveau literature author” Grant Ginder, who’s just had his first novel, This Is How It Starts, published by Simon and Schuster. It’s in book stores everywhere! But what is it about? The novel follows young Taylor Mark, who moves to Washington D.C. shortly after college and discovers how terrible it is, maybe. Then he runs around and whines like a bitch for a while and even goes to one very important Late Night Shots party. But it’s funny! Roll Call is raving! After the jump, the text our our very embarrassing Gchat conversation with Grant about Mike Allen and the Politico, as well as pictures from last week’s book release party in a Georgetown bar that is literally owned by Ralph Lauren Polo. Read more on An Interview With Grant Ginder, Writer Of Washington Fictions…
  petulant children

Palin Locked In DEATH MATCH With Republican Fundraisers

Will Sarah Palin appear at a fancy fundraiser tonight for the National Republican Congressional Committee and the National Republican Senatorial Committee? No way in hell, unless she changes her mind! First she was invited to headline at the event, and she said yes, but then she said no because she was so “overexposed,” so events organizers booked Newt Gingrich instead because Newt Frigging Gingrich is a less “controversial” speaker. But the drama was just beginning! Read more on Palin Locked In DEATH MATCH With Republican Fundraisers…
  party crashes

Wonkette Eats Fancy Dinner With Important Journalistic Reporters And Slimeball Politicians

On Monday night your two Wonkette associate editors attended a Dinner Party thrown by the digest The Week, called The Week Opinion Awards, and we’re only posting about it now because hey, shut up. It was somewhat “A-List,” meaning (a) why the poo were we invited and (b) why the poo did we go? Because after only four seconds at the opening cocktail party, your male associate editor was begging Sara to leave. But two full glasses of gin over the next four seconds changed that attitude into “LET’S GO FUCK WITH LINDSEY GRAHAM” and we stayed for the dinner after all. Read more on Wonkette Eats Fancy Dinner With Important Journalistic Reporters And Slimeball Politicians…
  so ronery

Nobody Went To Obama’s Responsibility Orgy

So sad! President Obama invited over a bunch of congressmen and senators to talk about being fiscally responsible, and some of them showed up, but a lot of them didn’t. Even some breakout session panelists and moderators failed to appear because who knows, maybe they had something better to do than fix the economy??? Read more on Nobody Went To Obama’s Responsibility Orgy…
  fair and balanced

It’s Like Lollapalooza But Better

Ronald Reagan is still alive and breathing and administrating, if nowhere but in the minds of desperate conservatives. Even young conservatives have Reagan Creationism Syndrome, and will be exhibiting the symptoms of it en masse at Reaganpalooza, a celebration of the “the man, the legend” at the Hawk and Dove on Saturday, February 28th. Read more on It’s Like Lollapalooza But Better…
 

DC Music Exchange Party: The Mix Institute

Finding new music is hard & sucky work, so let other people do it for you. The Mix Institute, a DC music exchange group, throws parties every couple months to bring people together to share music. Founders Alex Westerfield and Drew Gardner, two twenty-something music lovers, used to attend similar exchange parties in college, and thought, “Hey, why not do this in DC?” Read more on DC Music Exchange Party: The Mix Institute…
  money orgies

Actual Stimulus Party Report!

Well, third time’s a charm! Finally, one of you people out of the several hundred MILLION worldwide who claim to be Obama supporters held an actual “talk about our nation’s ruined economy” party, complete with a creepy guest appearance by Tim Kaine’s eyebrow. Read more on Actual Stimulus Party Report!…
  party crashes

Libtards Host Fancy Obama Art Party With NO FOOD WHATSOEVER

So the absolute most worthless people on this rotten planet are liberals, filthy rat-sucking liberals, particularly limousine liberals from liberal Hollywood and their east coast enablers, the Non-Profit Outreach Directors. They get together for these Red Bull-fueled art parties on either coast a couple of times a year to literally masturbate to themselves. They have NO FOOD at their parties because they are all gay, and anorexic. We went to one of these parties last night, and just you wait for this blush of libtardation: “The MoveOn.org, SEIU, Obey Giant Manifest Hope DC Party.” It was actually pretty cool and we don’t mean any of the nasty things we just wrote. (But seriously, no food.) Sexy picture time! Read more on Libtards Host Fancy Obama Art Party With NO FOOD WHATSOEVER…
  sexy party time

Top Secret Pixxx From George Bush’s Goodbye Orgy

Two of George W. Bush’s favorite lovers, Andy Card and John Bolten, held a fancy party where everybody got to pay $5 to french the outgoing president. They held the party in Maryland, of course, where the Law still allows those types of things. Read more on Top Secret Pixxx From George Bush’s Goodbye Orgy…