For many years, our former vice president used his Wiccan mind-control powers on George W. Bush to make him enter wars and such. But at some point in the latter part of his presidency, Bush decided that he was “his own man,” which meant banishing Cheney to his Naval Observatory abbatoir, where the lonely hunchback danced around in suits of human skin and sang mournful ballads to Scooter Libby. MORE »

George Bush, what a meanie! He failed to pardon such blameless white-collar criminals as Michael Milken and Jeffrey Skilling, he did nothing for the innocent bear-rape scribe Scooter Libby, and most importantly, he did not issue any sort of blanket protection to the many steaming turds in his administration who cooked up elaborate torture schemes, for America. What gives? MORE »

The clock is ticking! George Bush has just a few short hours to issue blanket retroactive/pre-emptive pardons for all of the criminal leather queens and torture fetishists in his administration. But what about the other crooks who would also like a pardon? MORE »

Brooklyn fraud king Isaac Robert Toussie got the gift of Innocence from George W. Bush on Tuesday. But just a day later, on Christmas Eve, mean old Grinch W. Bush’s heart shrunk three times. Even thought Toussie’s dad sent the GOP a $28,500 “reminder” that his convicted felon son really needed a presidential pardon for running an elaborate and cruel housing/mortgage scam that pretty much defines the amoral real-estate boom & bust of this miserable decade, the White House suddenly decided they really didn’t fully understand how this famous crook screwed over hundreds of working-class and low-income minority families. MORE »

Nothing says “Christmas” like pardoning a bunch of terrible criminals — it’s like the original, fun, pre-Jesus Christmas, which the Romans called Saturnalia, in honor of beleaguered General Motors’ “different kind of car company,” Saturn. Back then, the Midwinter Holiday included such goofs as “letting slaves get it on with your wives” and “fucking said slaves in their butts, before beheading them,” and also, “emperors giving presents (severed heads) to other slaves.” It was likely very awesome. Anyway, let’s meet George W. Bush Junior’s latest bunch of dope fiends made free by Imperial Decree. MORE »

Well, this is rich: Of the 14 convicted criminals pardoned by still-president George W. Bush today, one of them got in trouble for poisoning American Bald Eagles: “Leslie Owen Collier of Charleston, Mo., who pleaded guilty in 1995 to unlawfully killing three bald eagles in southeast Missouri.” MORE »

That funny but completely unimportant thing from last week in which Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey and then gave a teevee interview with a turkey being sliced ‘n’ diced in the background… well the American people are intent to know as much as possible about it! Early reports suggested that Palin was aware before the interview started that the bloodbath would be in the camera shot, and she was cool with that. Over the weekend, however, a Palin spokesperson told the legendary muckrakers at Entertainment Tonight that Palin had no idea about the savagery behind her, and that the in-the-tank cameraman included it in spite of her staff’s orders not to do so. Hmm. It appears that, for the first time ever, a story about Sarah Palin offers fully contradictory recollections from opposing sides. MORE »

The jury reached a verdict in the corruption trial of Chicago “slum landlord” Tony Rezko, the sleazy best friend of Barack Obama. Rezko was a prominent fundraiser for Obama back in the day, and even helped him buy his Hope Mansion in Chicago, and then they started dating, but Obama was too careerist commit to a gay relationship on the side. And that’s a good thing, because Tony won’t be around for trysts no mo’! He was convicted of “12 counts of wire and mail fraud, two counts of money laundering and two counts of aiding and abetting bribery.” But what’s the worst the judge could throw at him for such petty misdemeanors? Oh: “300 years in prison.” So what? Obama will pardon him in January, 2017, because why not? [Chicago Tribune]

Mitt Romney’s been all over Mike Huckabee’s pardons this week, talking about how the Mittster never pardoned a single criminal in all his years as governor, because that’s a spectacular fucking accomplishment. Bronze Star recipient Anthony Circosta would tend to disagree with the implications of Mitt’s assessment of his pardoning record, though.

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The Washington Post did two interesting things today: Columnist Ruth Marcus ripped Paul Krugman a new one, and a turkey was interviewed. We will focus on the latter. MORE »

So, remember how Bill Clinton left office in a flurry of pardons? And there were all kinds of allegations of family members taking money to ask for said pardons? Yeah, some scandals never die.

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