Wonkette

Beloved filmmaker Oliver Stone hasn’t done anything interesting since 1963, when he made the “Zapruder Film” that showed how JFK was killed by the Conspiracy. Now the veteran director is taking on the story of another person who lived in the White House: the president of freedom, George W. Bush. Not even a Leonard Cohen soundtrack or Tommy Lee Jones playing a mincing New Orleans homosexual could make this movie not suck. MORE »

Middling presidential candidate Alan Keyes, famous for being the most recent person to lose to Barack Obama in Illnois, will see Rudy’s long-haul Florida strategy and raise him a Texas. Political newbies should take note of this healthy campaign strategy: MORE »

It’s hard to fathom Cheney taking a fall for Bush, but we’re hearing (obviously false) rumors that Cheney will step down as early as next week, if or when Bush returns from South America. MORE »

While everybody was enjoying the nice three-day weekend, the Main Stream Media announced that we’re all going to be blown up or drowned by a terrible asteroid named Apophis — that’s also the Greek name for the demon monster god of Ancient Egypt who devours all that is good and hides in the eternal evil darkness and commands an army of demons who plague mankind. (If you’re confused, just remember that Cheney is an earth monster and Apophis is a space monster.)

But there’s a chance of survival if you’re in the right place … say, shielded from the massive tsunami by the wall of the Andes and perched atop the world’s largest fresh-water aquifer. You know, where the Bushes and Rev. Sun Myung Moon bought all that land in Paraguay! Read the latest chapter in the Weirdest Story Ever Told, after the jump.

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The preparations are finished, the massive land holdings have been purchased, the huge military base is in hand and Jenna has made her rounds of high-level diplomatic negotiations. Finally, the Bushes can escape to South America before they’re convicted of War Crimes and executed on YouTube.

Read the dirty details, after the jump.

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Fun-loving first twin and secret South American diplomat Jenna Bush is looking for a book deal in New York. Jenna’s got DC superlawyer Robert Barnett shopping the project to publishers, reports Washington Whispers. MORE »

The State Department is touchier than a lesbian these days, as proven by the official U.S. government response to Wonkette for posting a stupid letter from an advice column simply because it was signed “Karen Hughes.”

Now the thin-skinned crazies have published an official denial to everybody’s favorite wacky-yet-true story of 2006: that the Bush Family would soon flee the United States for a massive military base and ranch in Paraguay, just as the surviving Nazi elite sought refuge in Argentina after losing World War II.

Because a sane administration may one day take control of this country before it gets nuked and then delete all this weird crap on the State Department web servers, we will share the whole official denial with you, after the jump.

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Wistful admissions of looking at his Texas ranch on the Google, strange tales of Jenna setting up his retirement home in Paraguay where he can’t be tried for war crimes, and now re-launching his utterly failed “Social Security reform” crusade less than two weeks before Election Day … is Bush trying to lose Congress? MORE »

• Reliable Source: You all laughed, but Jenna Bush’s “internship” with “UNICEF” sent her to Paraguay, and we all know what that means. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Pat Robertson has a coloring book. [Examiner]
• Rush and Molloy: Woodward and Bernstein tell-all shit-talk extravaganza: Their old editor hates them, Bob thinks Carl’s lazy, etc. No mention of Woodward being a CIA plant. [NYDN]

Our paranoid friends over at Bring It On have put together a story that hasn’t exactly made Washington Whispers. It’s real short and real simple:

* The Cuban news service reports that George W. Bush has purchased 98,840 acres in Paraguay, near the Bolivian/Brazilian border.

* Jenna Bush paid a secret diplomatic visit to Paraguayan President Nicanor Duarte and U.S. Ambassador James Cason. There were no press conferences, no public sightings and no official confirmation of her 10-day trip which apparently ended this week.

* The Paraguayan Senate voted last summer to “grant U.S. troops immunity from national and International Criminal Court (ICC) jurisdiction.”

* Immediately afterwards, 500 heavily armed U.S. troops arrived with various planes, choppers and land vehicles at Mariscal Estigarribia air base, which happens to be at the northern tip of Paraguay near the Bolivian/Brazilian border. More have reportedly arrived since then.

What the hell, after the jump. Plus a BREAKING UPDATE involving, of course, The Moonies!

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