Tag Archives: panic

  Not The Sharpest Scimitar In The Drawer

Lindsey Graham Figures Charleston Shooter Must Be Some Kind Of Ay-Rab, Somehow

Here's one idea that will never work
Lindsey Graham is one of those people who lives out that old line about how when every problem looks like a nail, you turn dumb as a bag of hammers. Consider his brilliant observation in the Senate Wednesday on the murders in Charleston, in which he decided that the only possible explanation for Dylann Roof’s actions had to be that he was not even an American kind of killer. Read more on Lindsey Graham Figures Charleston Shooter Must Be Some Kind Of Ay-Rab, Somehow…
  But what about black-on-black crime???

Surprise, America, Your Worst Terrorists Are White Wingnuts!

Not an actual terrorist, just a sympathizer
Here’s something that’s sure to make wingnuts scream about reality’s liberal bias. A new study by the New America Foundation concludes that since 9/11, white rightwing terrorists have been far deadlier than jihadists. Unfair, of course to start counting after 9/11, because all terror begins and ends with 9/11. Also, Fox News is pretty sure there haven’t been any rightwing terrorist attacks at all, so you may want to take these think-tank guys with a grain of salt. Or gunpowder. Read more on Surprise, America, Your Worst Terrorists Are White Wingnuts!…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert So Sad Now That Fox & Friends Got The Ebola (Video)

Eyebrow of Doom!
TV Funnyman Stephen Colbert is understandably concerned about the emergence of Ebola in America, and by “concerned,” we mean thoroughly terrified that the virus has made it from “Whocaresistan” to our golden shores. Just don’t touch the fluids on the shores. “That is crap-your-pants terrifying,” Colbert explains, “in that crap-your-pants is one of the symptoms of Ebola.” And remember, you can “get Ebola just by coming in contact with an infected person’s bodily fluids, including ‘blood, sweat, feces, vomit, semen, and spit.’ So you might want to avoid the next Gathering of the Juggalos.” But Colbert refuses to let propaganda get to him! “I won’t be fooled into staying calm by the so-called ‘experts’ with their so-called ‘medical degrees’ and their so-called ‘fingers,'” he insisted. “And neither will the ‘Fox and Friends.'” Colbert then cut to a clip of Dr. Dalilah Restrepo attempting to reassure the easily-freaked-out Friends of Fox, which didn’t go quite as well as it could have: She coughed while talking to the three amigos. Read more on Stephen Colbert So Sad Now That Fox & Friends Got The Ebola (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart: Lindsey Graham Still Panicked About Boogeymen Under His Bed (Video)

We're all gonna die!
There’s a foreign policy crisis out there in the great big world, and that means it’s time for Sen. Lindsey Graham to take to Fox News and tell us just how imperiled we are. And so on Fox News Sunday, on Fox News, Sunday, Graham warned that President Obama had better get some troops on the ground and destroy ISIS “before we all get killed back here at home.” Read more on Jon Stewart: Lindsey Graham Still Panicked About Boogeymen Under His Bed (Video)…
  Barack Ebola

Stupidest Men On The Internet: Obama Bringing Africans, Ebola, And Polygamy To America!

It is never the wrong time to panic
Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, and Kristinn Taylor, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the internet, have been having a nice pretend meltdown the last couple of days about how Barack Obama is recklessly trying to kill America with the Ebola virus by inviting a whole bunch of Africans — from Africa, the continent that has Ebola — to Our Nation’s Capital for a summit of African leaders next week and a meeting of influential young Africans this week. Not that they’re sensationalizing or anything; they just have articles with judicious, careful headlines that urge a note of caution: Read more on Stupidest Men On The Internet: Obama Bringing Africans, Ebola, And Polygamy To America!…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)

Jon Stewart took on the latest round of rightwing anti-immigrant panic Tuesday night, reminding us of that simple lesson that we all learned as children: “I was always taught by my parents to follow the Golden Rule: Whenever you see a kid in trouble, yell at them in a language they don’t understand.” Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)…
  life skills of the future

Here is Your Handy Wonkette Guide to Not Panicking About 3D-Printed Guns

This is a guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” We are all Jetsons now with our 3D printers spitting out all kinds of shit all the time, like houses and ears and spiky-tipped dildos and also now guns named by unimaginative libertarian dipsticks. Meet the, ahem, “Liberator,” everybody! The New York Post has a typically panicked cover story about the first functional 3D printed gun. This is supposed to give us the vapors, because “the weapon would elude metal detection,” and the company behind it is about to publish the blueprints, so “anyone, including terrorists” can print one. While panic is always fun and it would be even more fun to see what would happen if we all as a group fainted at the same time, there are a few reasons why nobody should freak out about this. Read more on Here is Your Handy Wonkette Guide to Not Panicking About 3D-Printed Guns…
  Middle-School Confidential

Dig Your Ground: Shovel-Toting Student Freaks Out Idaho Middle School, Resulting In Lockdown

Staff and parents at a middle school in the Boise suburb of Meridian, Idaho, pretty much lost their shit when a student carrying a folding “military style” short-handled shovel was mistaken for a maniac roaming the halls of the school with an axe on Thursday. The school went into lockdown while police searched the school for some two hours. Eight other schools in the Meridian district also locked their doors before police determined that the kid had an antique shovel that he had brought to school as part of a project for a history class. Despite the lockdown being a false alarm, parents who had gathered to wait at a nearby church were allowed to take their kids home for the rest of the day if they wished to. School officials quickly reclassified the school’s security status from “Freaking Right The Fuck Out Over Nothing” to “Defensively Covering Embarassment With Reassurances That We Were Acting With An Excess Of Caution For The Children.” Read more on Dig Your Ground: Shovel-Toting Student Freaks Out Idaho Middle School, Resulting In Lockdown…
  our flourishing economy

Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)

Let’s check in with the Wonkette Business Desk for our morning economic roundup. U.S. pending home sales are at their highest point this year! U.S. manufacturing orders are at a two-year high! A terrorist plot against New York — the financial capital of the world — totally failed and the suspected/attempted car-bomber was caught by the cops! His alleged co-conspirators were caught in Pakistan! All kinds of bellwether companies are reporting solid profits, from MasterCard’s 24% first-quarter profit to Sirius XM Radio’s $41.6 million profit in Q1 — people must be buying new cars again! So, of course, the markets are collapsing, worldwide, total panic, ARGH SELL JESUS CHRIST IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN. Read more on Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)…
  nation of crybabies

Political Sages Tell Democrats To Quit Freaking Out

No sooner had frontierswoman Sarah Palin finished her nasty little attack on elite community organizers last Wednesday than panic began to sweep the hallowed Chardonnay cellars of America’s liberals. Above plaintive wails of “What is happening to Our Barry?” and “We’ve got to FIGHT!” we heard the rending of garments, gnashing of teeth, and furious swilling of Two-Buck Chuck. Everyone was freaking out. Well here are some remarks from various writers who would like Democrats to unknot their panties for a moment and relax. Read more on Political Sages Tell Democrats To Quit Freaking Out…
 

Financial Panic(!) To Steal Our Babies, Kill Concept of Fun

This recession scare, it’s real. Too real! The Federal Reserve, much to Ron Paul’s dismay, lowered the fed funds rate by 3/4 of a percentage point today to stave off a, hrm, bank panic of neo-Victorian proportion! Read more on Financial Panic(!) To Steal Our Babies, Kill Concept of Fun…
 

But what was it like at Disneyland and Disney World on September 11, 2001? [Jim Hill]
 

URGENT BREAKING UNCONFIRMED REPORT FROM THE HILL

The Longworth building is apparently closed off entirely, and there are reports of, uh… a “huge line to get into Rayburn.” Well come on, Rayburn’s not that great — what’s the deal? Anyone? Suspicious package? Tainted peanut butter? JIM WEBB ON THE LOOSE??? Read more on URGENT BREAKING UNCONFIRMED REPORT FROM THE HILL…
 

WP Not Sure How Much You Should be Panicking Right Now

It’s nice of the Washington Post to, directly under their article insisting that Fed chief Ben Bernanke calmed Wall Street (subhead: “Bernanke Upbeat As Stocks Rebound”), link to the Milbank column that points out how Ben Bernanke didn’t really say much of anything. Saves us the trouble. Read more on WP Not Sure How Much You Should be Panicking Right Now…
 

DC SHOCKED BY FROZEN WATER, CLOUDS

Washington DC, the most powerful city in the world, was paralyzed last night by a deadly “wintry mix” of frozen water and slightly less frozen water. Upwards of two inches of the mysterious powder descended upon the city like white death, leaving buses running on emergency schedules, trains aflame, and major roads beset with vigilantes on tricked-out motorcycles. Read more on DC SHOCKED BY FROZEN WATER, CLOUDS…
 

ICY DEATH RAINS FROM THE SKY ONTO UNPREPARED WASHINGTON

Panic! There’s SNOW outside! As the federal government struggles to cope with this strange, cold, slippery water-like substance that’s coated every exposed surface of the city, employees everywhere are being sent home early — so no one’s reading us! Read more on ICY DEATH RAINS FROM THE SKY ONTO UNPREPARED WASHINGTON…
 

Cartoon Network Head Takes Responsibility for Lite-Brite Attack, Steps Down

Jim Samples, head of Time Warner’s Cartoon Network, stepped down in disgrace today in the wake his his companies foiled terrorist attack on Boston. He said he felt “compelled to step down, effective immediately, in recognition of the gravity of the situation that occurred under my watch.” Read more on Cartoon Network Head Takes Responsibility for Lite-Brite Attack, Steps Down…
 

Terror At the Washington ‘Post’!

For those of you who wrote in wondering why the Washington Post building was loaded with terrorism cops and Hazmat guys early this afternoon, it was an anthrax scare in the mailroom. I wanted to let you know that we received a suspicious piece of mail this morning, and you may see the Fire Department responding here at the Northwest Building. An envelope containing a small amount of white powder was opened in the secure portion of the 4th floor News mailroom. The person who opened it immediately called Security. Security then placed the envelope in a ventilation hood and reported it to the FBI, who asked us to call the DC Fire Department. As you may recall the mail opening room has a specially designed ventilation system that is separate from the rest of the building system. We’ll keep you informed. Thankfully, it all turned out to be boric acid. Or crap from Rich Cohen’s beard, we forget. Hilarious prank or no, the most important thing we’ve learned from this episode: Should a genuine bio-terrorism attack occur at the Post, the only person who will be killed is whatever non-union sap is opening the mail in that hermetically sealed death chamber. “All clear” notice after the jump, if you’re into that sort of thing. Read more on Terror At the Washington ‘Post’!…
 

BREAKING: PANIC AT CANNON

BLASTS ROCK HOUSE OFFICES… “LARGE STICKS” SIGHTED… DESPERATE EMAIL REVEALS TERRIBLE FEAR GRIPPING CONGRESSIONAL STAFFERS: I’m in my office here in Cannon, and the staff assistant and I were just sitting and minding our business when we suddenly heard a great deal of loud banging going on outside our office. We (along with all of our staff and a number of others) wandered out, hoping that we weren’t about to be mowed down by gunfire. What we actually found was much more interesting than gunplay – it was a presentation involving drums, 4 women in grass skirts and 2 men in loincloths with large sticks. It was just a presentation to invite us all to the Guam Liberation Reception tonight in the Cannon Caucus room at 6:30. It was really bizarre – I hope someone sends you pics of the presentation and all of the bewildered looking staffers/interns. Read more on BREAKING: PANIC AT CANNON…
 

Emergency Alert System Actually Used!

Remember the emergency alert system? When your TV emits an annoying, high-pitched noise, shows you a rainbow-colored bar, and says “this is a test, this is only a test, of the emergency alert system”? Read more on Emergency Alert System Actually Used!…
 

Subjective Idealism Powerless Against Islamic Radicals

Now CBS and the AP worked very hard on this logo, and they’re not gonna let something like the complete lack of evidence stop them from using it. Panic! Panic! CBS reports that another terror attack is not just likely, but IMMINENT! It WILL happen, the only question is when and where! And if! Seriously, they heard it directly from CONCERNED OFFICIALS who wish to remain anonymous! They said it “privately,” so you know it’s totes serious! Just listen to how ominous the situation is: Read more on Subjective Idealism Powerless Against Islamic Radicals…
 

You’ve Got Mail — Bearing Tidings of Plague and Doom

Our gadget-obsessed sibling brings us this news: A company called UpSnap has decided to be complete assholes and try to profit from the potential cataclysmic epidemic of bird flu. The service will inform persons when bird flu has reached their area with a text message. Read more on You’ve Got Mail — Bearing Tidings of Plague and Doom…