Tag: panic

Donald Trump And Hillary Clinton On French Terrorist Attack: Let’s Compare And Contrast

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton both chatted with international terrorism expert Bill O'Reilly after Thursday's terrorist attack in France. One of them actually knows something about fighting terrorism.

FBI Director Said ‘Jihad,’ Everybody Wet Your Pants!

Not that anyone was waiting for further details before screaming OHHH GAWD MUSLIMS, but here it is, your moment of zen: In an appearance on Capitol Hill, the F.B.I.director, James B. Comey, said Wednesday that the couple, who met online,...
They look pretty dangerous, all right.

In Solidarity With Paris, Republican Governors Invite Syrian Refugees To Burn In Hell

Looks like the terrorists are already winning. Following Friday's attacks in Paris by eight terrorists, the governors of Alabama, Michigan, Texas, and Arkansas have announced that they won't accept any Syrian refugees for relocation in their states, because they are...
Here's one idea that will never work

Lindsey Graham Figures Charleston Shooter Must Be Some Kind Of Ay-Rab, Somehow

Lindsey Graham is one of those people who lives out that old line about how when every problem looks like a nail, you turn dumb as a bag of hammers. Consider his brilliant observation in the Senate Wednesday on...
Not an actual terrorist, just a sympathizer

Surprise, America, Your Worst Terrorists Are White Wingnuts!

Here's something that's sure to make wingnuts scream about reality's liberal bias. A new study by the New America Foundation concludes that since 9/11, white rightwing terrorists have been far deadlier than jihadists. Unfair, of course to start...
Eyebrow of Doom!

Stephen Colbert So Sad Now That Fox & Friends Got The Ebola (Video)

TV Funnyman Stephen Colbert is understandably concerned about the emergence of Ebola in America, and by "concerned," we mean thoroughly terrified that the virus has made it from "Whocaresistan" to our golden shores. Just don't touch the fluids...
We're all gonna die!

Jon Stewart: Lindsey Graham Still Panicked About Boogeymen Under His Bed (Video)

There's a foreign policy crisis out there in the great big world, and that means it's time for Sen. Lindsey Graham to take to Fox News and tell us just how imperiled we are. And so on Fox News...
It is never the wrong time to panic

Stupidest Men On The Internet: Obama Bringing Africans, Ebola, And Polygamy To America!

Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, and Kristinn Taylor, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the internet, have been having a nice pretend meltdown the last couple of days about how Barack Obama is recklessly trying to kill...

Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)

Jon Stewart took on the latest round of rightwing anti-immigrant panic Tuesday night, reminding us of that simple lesson that we all learned as children: "I was always taught by my parents to follow the Golden Rule: Whenever you...

Here is Your Handy Wonkette Guide to Not Panicking About 3D-Printed Guns

This is a guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” We are all Jetsons now with our 3D printers spitting out all kinds of shit all the time, like houses and ears and spiky-tipped dildos and...

Dig Your Ground: Shovel-Toting Student Freaks Out Idaho Middle School, Resulting In Lockdown

Staff and parents at a middle school in the Boise suburb of Meridian, Idaho, pretty much lost their shit when a student carrying a folding "military style" short-handled shovel was mistaken for a maniac roaming the halls of the...

Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)

Let's check in with the Wonkette Business Desk for our morning economic roundup. U.S. pending home sales are at their highest point this year! U.S. manufacturing orders are at a two-year high! A terrorist plot against New York --...

Political Sages Tell Democrats To Quit Freaking Out

No sooner had frontierswoman Sarah Palin finished her nasty little attack on elite community organizers last Wednesday than panic began to sweep the hallowed Chardonnay cellars of America's liberals. Above plaintive wails of "What is happening to Our Barry?"...