We heard your cries of horror, so this week’s edition is three minutes long and PACKED with health & safety tips from The Awl’s Choire Sicha, so you won’t die of the pig-bird-hybrid flu! [The Awl]

When word of a surprise new Bob Dylan studio album reached your Wonkette on March 20, we wondered what sort of Actual Hell this record would release, as it is established fact in this first awful decade of the 21st Century that Bob Dylan only releases new studio albums to mark the arrival of another Horseman of the Apocalypse. We’ve been listening to the new record for two days now, and have reached various conclusions, most of which can be summed up like this: JESUS CHRIST THE WHOLE ENTIRE ALBUM IS MEXICAN MUSIC. MORE »

America’s joke, Congresslady and full-time lunatic Michele Bachmann, woke this morning from her barbiturate-wine cooler stupor, crawled on her hands and bloodied knees to the AM-only radio permanently tuned to the local wingnut talk station, and happened to catch the national news bulletin: An influenza pandemic! It sounded pretty serious, whatever “pandemic” meant. Michele Bachmann needed to craft a response — you know, something that would, uh, blame a swine/bird/human flu virus on, uhm, LIBERALS, right? MORE »

This might seem nuts, but it turns out that the combination of Twitter and the Pig-Bird-Mexican flu pandemic is a whole lot of Wrong. That is the point of this post, we think, although this quote from CNN sort of demolishes, well, everything: “Chatter about swine flu is also loud elsewhere online. About 10 times more people are writing online about swine flu than wrote about the salmonella and peanut butter scares from this winter, Nielsen says.” [CNN]

Oh ha ha, we are just joshing, this is really from some teevee version of Stephen King’s history of the 1976 Swine Flu Outbreak, The Stand. BOC! [YouTube]

• Oh, well, good, whew!: “The outbreak coincided with President Barack Obama’s trip to Mexico City on April 16. Obama was received at the anthropology museum in Mexico City by Felipe Solis, a distinguished archaeologist who died a week later from symptoms similar to flu ….” [AP/Google]

Here’s some terrifying news: While the U.S. media was focused on the very important subject of some fat wingnuts having teabagging protests in America, President Barack Obama was headed to Mexico — and on the night of April 16, he attended a fancy dinner at Mexico City’s famous Museo Nacional de Antropología, where noted archeologist and museum director Felipe Solís Olguín showed the U.S. president around, and they presumably shook hands and talked, without the protection of surgical masks. A few days later, Solís was dead of pneumonia. MORE »

HELP US DR. SANJAY: “And then, as so many Americans do when they are frightened, I turned to the cable news. And I waited for the comforting words from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.” [AOL Political Machine]