It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] MORE »

THAT’S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN: “‘Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.” [Washington Post]

The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. MORE »

“Despondent” Chinese panda attempts to eat Chinese zookeeper; could Washington’s beloved fuzzy black-and-white tourist attraction be next?

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Remember the innocent days of 2004 or whenever and how much you loved the National Zoo’s pet panda baby, Marion Barry “Butterstick” Jr.? Well, those days aren’t coming back.

But the once-loved Chinese animals are now breeding like the vermin they are, and these days nobody wants to name the little critters. This is why China is solemnly asking the world to Help Name the Number-Pandas. Not even a panda wants to spend its whole life known as “Number Five.”

After the jump, we give YOU the opportunity to vote for the new official panda baby names!

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Hooray for Take Your Child To Work and Let Them Edit CNN.com Day. Also, it’s a story we made fun of two weeks ago. As Susan B. Anthony said, America will not be free until the last congressman is strangled with the entrails of the last panda. MORE »

Now we’re officially scraping the bottom of the holiday news barrel, because we’re going to invoke that goddamned National Zoo baby panda we hate so much, Sun Myung Moon or whatever it’s called. MORE »

What else do you need to know? Some zoo down in CNN-ville has some low-level pandas that make even average pandas seem like Lindsey Lohan. MORE »

* Hillary isn’t the only one who’s running. Participate in the Cherry Blossom 10-miler, either as a runner (if you’ve pre-registered) or a volunteer. [Credit Union Cherry Blossom 10 Mile Run] MORE »

Despite the continued success of George Mason in the NCAA tournament, our computer troubles today have left us in a pretty foul mood. Not even that cute panda can lift our spirits. So please forgive the grumpiness. MORE »