Tag Archives: pandas

  Dog Day Afternoon

It’s National Dog Day. Pretty Sure We Could All Use Some Doggies About Now

Go, corgis, go!
Go, corgis, go! We were getting all ready to end this perfectly shitty news day by sharing photos of the new panda babies at the National Zoo, but even that story went all to hell this afternoon, with the death of one of the two cubs. Which honestly isn’t that much of a surprise, since giant pandas are extremely difficult to breed in captivity (but at least we’re getting better at it). Forget pandas. They’re adorable idiots who don’t evolution good. At least not when there’s a bunch of territory-hungry hominids in the neighborhood. Read more on It’s National Dog Day. Pretty Sure We Could All Use Some Doggies About Now…
  Sexxxy Nice Time

Inspiring! These Pandas F*cked Each Other For Almost Eight Whole Minutes!

What a thrilled zookeeper that must be, peeping in the background!
Move over, all you other panda dudes who think you’re hot shit or something. This Chinese panda bear studmuffin has set a whole new sex record that will leave you feeling downright flaccid and Not Good Enough. His name is Lu Lu, and all the panda ladies and the gay panda bois can’t stop talking about him because, according to the Daily Mail, he fucked this one panda, name of Zhen Zhen, for seven minutes and forty-five seconds, which is a very long time for panda sex! Read more on Inspiring! These Pandas F*cked Each Other For Almost Eight Whole Minutes!…
  The Derp Before Christmas

Derp Roundup: Zombie Baby Jesus Edition

And that's what Hearth's Warming Eve is all about, Zombie Brown
It’s a special Ho-Ho-Huh? Edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the stories that don’t quite deserve their very own posts, but are too stupid to ignore altogether. So light the candles and gather round the hearth, and start drinking  first thing in the morning if that gets you through this mess. Absinthe is Christmassy, isn’t it? Read more on Derp Roundup: Zombie Baby Jesus Edition…
  pandaleaks

It’s All Going To Be OK: The Zoo Pandas Signed a Five-Year Extension

Why do we suddenly see members of Congress referring inanely to nerdface Hu Jintao, the weakest leader in the history of the People’s Republic of China, as a “dictator” and a murdering “gangster”? Our pandas have been SECURED. That’s right, Washington, your pandas have signed a five-year extension, so you can rest assured that your mediocre zoo will continue to be somewhat used for something other than as a jogging track. “The pandas may be a cultural attraction we had to borrow from China, but everything in Washington is borrowed from China, and we need something to put on our Metro cards.” But despite the free speech grandstanding, if China suddenly becomes a democracy we probably will lose the pandas, haha. Read more on It’s All Going To Be OK: The Zoo Pandas Signed a Five-Year Extension…
  the saddest thing

Forgotten Butterstick Released From Chinese Prison

What has become of Washington’s beloved comedy animal, Butterstick the Panda Bear? If this tragic BBC News photo is to be trusted, the once-adored animal is now a beaten, sad-faced monster finally let out of its horror jail after god knows how many weeks. It’s probably crazier than John McCain at this point, and looks just as mean and stupid. [BBC News via Wonkette Operative “Alex P.”] Read more on Forgotten Butterstick Released From Chinese Prison…
  china is raping our culture

China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo

Beloved black-and-white poopbag “Butterstick” has finally been seized by our Chinese overlords and flown back to Red China, where the sad worn-out creature will be brutally interrogated for his contacts with the Dalai Lama. And then, magically, the famous bear will suddenly start manufacturing stuff and building gleaming new cities of glass and steel, and instead of poop, 18% annualized growth will shoot from its sore ass. Read more on China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo…
  alive stuffed animals

Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China

Good lord, has it really been five years since famous baby panda “Butterstick” — which means Tai Shan in Chinese — was born in the Washington zoo? Yes it has, even though it feels like at least 50 years ago, and the once-adorable little puppet has turned into an immense, terrifying monster. Sometime this morning, the National Zoo will announce that Butterstick is being sent to China, forever. After all, China’s on the up and America’s on the down & out. Read more on Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China…
  cartoon violence

Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series

By the Comics CurmudgeonAs your Comics Curmudgeon demonstrated earlier this year, political cartoonists love butts. Just love ’em! The ass is the most polysemous of images, representing everything from sex appeal to debasement and humiliation to an actual butt. So we’re presenting a panoply of ass shots this week, with a greater emphasis on sodomy. But those of you who aren’t butt fans (even though such a person is scarcely imaginable), fear not! There will also be severed limbs. Read more on Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series…
  metro section

Panda Pregancy Is Not So Black And White (Sorry!)

It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] Read more on Panda Pregancy Is Not So Black And White (Sorry!)… Read more on Panda Pregancy Is Not So Black And White (Sorry!)…
  butterstick

THAT’S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN: “‘Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.” [Washington Post] Read more on …
 

Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death

The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. Read more on Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death…
 

“Despondent” Chinese panda attempts to eat Chinese zookeeper; could Washington’s beloved fuzzy black-and-white tourist attraction be next?
 

GOP Banking On America’s Furryphobia

That tiny picture lost in a sea of shitty Web design above is Pander Bear, the Republicans’ latest sinister weapon in the battle to stop Hillary Clinton. They’re forcing some poor underpaid sap to don a panda suit and harass the senator at various events. The joke is that she’s willing to “pander” for votes … get it? Because panda sounds like pander, and that’s a pun, and Americans love puns and pandas and hate Hillary. Read more on GOP Banking On America’s Furryphobia…
 

Help Name 18 Lousy Little Baby Pandas!

Remember the innocent days of 2004 or whenever and how much you loved the National Zoo’s pet panda baby, Marion Barry “Butterstick” Jr.? Well, those days aren’t coming back. But the once-loved Chinese animals are now breeding like the vermin they are, and these days nobody wants to name the little critters. This is why China is solemnly asking the world to Help Name the Number-Pandas. Not even a panda wants to spend its whole life known as “Number Five.” After the jump, we give YOU the opportunity to vote for the new official panda baby names! Read more on Help Name 18 Lousy Little Baby Pandas!…
 

CNN.com Now Run By Pre-Schoolers

Hooray for Take Your Child To Work and Let Them Edit CNN.com Day. Also, it’s a story we made fun of two weeks ago. As Susan B. Anthony said, America will not be free until the last congressman is strangled with the entrails of the last panda. Read more on CNN.com Now Run By Pre-Schoolers…
 

Down With Butterstick: Japanese Panda Has Twins

Now we’re officially scraping the bottom of the holiday news barrel, because we’re going to invoke that goddamned National Zoo baby panda we hate so much, Sun Myung Moon or whatever it’s called. Read more on Down With Butterstick: Japanese Panda Has Twins…