Panamanian-born immigrant John “Juan” McCain wants to be president of El Norte, the Estados Unidos de América , but of course he is not from our patriotic country. Luckily, he is a global elitist with many powerful allies in our Senate, so yesterday all the senators got together and agreed that McCain is a “natural born citizen” and can be our oldest president once Hillary destroys Obama and the Democrats forever. [AFP]

Explosive reporting from the New York Times reveals that many millions of years ago, when the Army Corps of Engineers was busy separating North America from Pangaea, a little child was born unto Roberta and John McCain, Junior. This child, John Sidney McCain III, was born in the Panama Canal Zone. And because of this, he will never be president. MORE »

Incredible as it seems, the Bush Administration may have been dishonest every day, forever, about Iraq. That’s the shocking conclusion of some study funded by “limousine liberal” George Soros. According to the report, Bush and Cheney and the rest of the administration spent all their time between 9/11 and the invasion of Iraq successfully convincing our nation’s dumber people — Congress, reporters, etc. — that Saddam Hussein was about to launch even more jetliners full of anthrax at American buildings. MORE »

Noriega’s getting out early for good behavior! But do we send him to France, where he faces a money-laundering conviction, or Panama, where he’ll be under house arrest until he dies? We say, let’s send him on a wacky road trip with the dude who shot Wallace, so they can rediscover America, and themselves. [CNN]

As the Bush Dynasty prepares for exile in South America, first twin Jenna Bush claims all her Latin American secret diplomatic missions were really just research trips for her bitchin’ new book about a poor gal in Panama who has both a baby and the AIDS. MORE »

Remember George H.W. Bush’s first war? He got pissed off at his buddy Manuel Noriega because Manny stopped giving a cut of the coke money to the CIA, and next thing you know U.S. Marines are blasting Van Halen at the Panamanian Vatican Embassy … and that’s how the leader of a sovereign nation (that we actually stole from Colombia) ended up in a Miami prison for 15 years. MORE »

• Supreme Court agrees to hear case regarding the legality of military tribunals; Roberts is recusing himself. [WP, NYT, NYT, USAT, WSJ]
• Bush: “We’ll aggressively pursue [potential terrorists], but we’ll do so under the law. . . We do not torture.” [WP, USAT]
• Democrats want to question administration policy-makers and speechwriters for inquiry of pre-war intelligence; subpoenas may be issued. [WP]
• Republican budget cuts unlikely to pass without restructuring. Rep. Ray LaHood (R-Ill.): “They are a long way away from getting the votes. Medicaid, Medicare, food stamps, whatever — for every person, there’s an issue.” [WP]
• Bush “put his credibility on the line” with last-minute campaigning for Jerry Kilgore, making the outcome of the Virginia gubernatorial race “a referendum on his troubled presidency.” [WP, NYT, WT, USAT]
• Troop-rotation plan could lead to a drawdown of U.S. troops in Iraq in 2006. [WSJ]

MORE »