Wonkette

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Condi got to go back to the rumored land of her ancestors. No, not Russia, Africa! Her last trip there was a royal dud, but this time she brought along friends: the boss, his wife, Josh Bolten, etc., and she got to see the boss dance! She got a pretty sash! She got molested by scary natives! And then she got back and nobody cared. Relive the magic, after the jump…

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As anyone who has seen White Nights can attest, there is one force in the world more dangerous and powerful than love. Or democracy. Wonkette operative “Ivan” sends us this image captured by the New York Times, in which we see secret agents smuggling this highly volatile substance into a major metropolitan area in Pakistan. MORE »

Thanks to our friends at FoxNews.com, we now know what these Fanatics in Pakistan think about Valentine’s Day, which is Pakistan’s main holiday. So when you crowd into a mediocre restaurant tonight with your primary current sex partner and a hundred other unhappy couples and you all pay $175 for a crappy “Romantic Tasting Menu” and some dried-out cake called “Chocolate Romance Truffle Passion Sponge,” remember that you are fighting the Islamo-Fascists in your own little sad consumer way. [Fox News]

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

I’ll be honest with you: It wasn’t the Condiweek of all Condiweeks. One of her diplomatic BFFs got assassinated, Condi’s democracy didn’t work out so well in Kenya, and instead of glamorous foreign guests, she only got visits from Bulgaria and Libya. But how can we learn all there is to know about the adorable Foggy Bottom hostess with the mostest if we don’t try to understand these “down times” together?

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• The caucuses are almost here, which means they’re almost over. [Washington Post]
• Crackdowns are hard in an election year. [New York Times]
• Will anyone actually vote for Barry Obama? We find out today! [Washington Post]
• Giuliani’s in New Hampshire, fighting terror. [New York Times]

Pakistanis are actually fleeing to Afghanistan because that’s how fucked up things are. [Washington Times]

• Fred Thompson’s inspired, passionate campaign may be coming to a close. [Politico]
• Mittens loves President Bush, but not in a gay way. [The Hill]
• Huck continues to have a little bit of not-knowing-what-the-fuck-is-going-on problem. [Los Angeles Times]

Qazi Mohammed Farooq announced today that Pakistan will postpone its elections until February 18th, since the riots sparked by Bhutto’s assassination have resulted in the burning of several election commission offices and ballots and voter rolls have been destroyed. Those things can obviously not be replaced by the original January 8th date, and then the Shiite festival of Muharram starts on the 10th and runs through February 8th and they naturally couldn’t hold elections then, either. This, naturally, has nothing whatsoever to do with some vague hope that giving people a month might not result in nearly everyone voting for Bhutto’s party. Plus, it was totally random violence that resulted in the election commission offices being destroyed along with ballots and voter rolls and not at all like the time Hitler burned the Reichstag and blamed the Commies in order to run the country better on his own. Definitely not at all like that. [NY Times]

On Friday, we expressed a certain level of skepticism at the Pakistani government’s announcement that Bhutto was not killed by either the guy who shot her or the suicide bomber, but by hitting her head on the sunroof (which they’ve since modified to “the sunroof lever”). Unsurprisingly, we weren’t the only ones. What is surprising is who refused the autopsy.

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Riots following the assassination of Benazir Bhutto killed at least an additional couple of dozen people in Pakistan today, as Bhutto was buried and the Pakistani government claimed that she hit her head and that some Talibani guy did it and, whatever, the world kind of sucks tonight and I needed to see something semi-heartwarming. After the jump, a picture of ordinary Pakistanis peacefully making their way to pay their respects at Bhutto’s funeral, because tonight the news will be all riots and death and world politics and that isn’t the whole truth, either.

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The Pakistani government would like you to know that Banazir Bhutto did not die of a gunshot wound, nor was she hit by any shrapnel as a result of the enormous fucking bomb that went off next to her car. No, Bhutto died from a skull fracture caused by ducking back into her vehicle as it was driving away after she totes wasn’t shot and wasn’t hit by a single piece of shrapnel from the bomb that went off next to her car. They didn’t even need a post-mortem to determine that, since she arrived dead at the hospital with a piece of her head missing and her brains oozing out and not breathing from the knock she took to the head as she ducked down inside the car because it sped away really fast despite being surrounded by hundreds of people none of whom were apparently hit. Also, please don’t look at about the 12th second of the grainy tape they released when you can see a man stand on the sideboard of her vehicle and point a gun, he definitely wasn’t shooting at her at all. [Yahoo News India]

If there’s one absolutely, totally clear thing that has emerged from the assassination of Benazir Bhutto yesterday it is that Pakistanis coming into the US need closer monitoring. So, we’re thrilled to hear that Mike Huckabee has finally said what someone besides Tancredo needed to say. Some might wonder what monitoring immigrants just because they’re Pakistani has to do with anything and, even though we don’t really have answer to that question, we know that such people are not serious about securing America. MORE »