Tag Archives: pakistan

  I really need this job please Allah I need this job

So You Think You Can Be An Al Qaeda? Show Us What You Got.

No, don't apply for jihad, koala bear! Don't do it!
The Obama administration dumped some documents on Wednesday related to the raid in Abbottabad, Pakistan, which SUPPOSEDLY resulted in the many-shots-fired-to-the-face killing of Osama bin Laden, if you’re willing to believe the lamestream media. Seems the administration would like to poke some holes in Seymour Hersh’s fantastical tale about what REALLY happened that night. For instance, Hersh claimed that, despite official reports that the SEALs pilfered a treasure trove of documents from bin Laden’s compound, they really didn’t get much at all, maybe a few issues of Highlights For Children and a scuffed-up copy of the first season of Friends on DVD that the world’s greatest terrorist picked up at the Taliban’s annual yard sale. Read more on So You Think You Can Be An Al Qaeda? Show Us What You Got….
  Nothing About Benghazi In Here? Never Mind

Breaking: Anonymous Source Says Obama Lied About Bin Laden Raid, Everything In Universe

Clearly photoshopped, since as we all know, Obama was actually out golfing
Super-Journalist Seymour Hersh has published a hell of a story in the London Review of Books about the killing of Osama bin Laden that, had it actually included any significant sources willing to go on the record, would totally change everything we think we know about the 2011 raid in Pakistan. As it is, it reads like a pretty good action thriller, or maybe a post at Alex Jones’s Infowars, except written by a Pulitzer Prize winner. According to Hersh, a “retired senior intelligence official” who knows all the dirt on the raid revealed to him that almost everything we thought we knew about bin Laden’s death is fake, that Barack Obama was in such a rush to take credit for the raid that he announced it too early, and that Obama lied when he said the Pakistanis had no advance knowledge of the raid. And if we had any confidence in Seymour Hersh anymore, we’d be shocked. Shocked! Read more on Breaking: Anonymous Source Says Obama Lied About Bin Laden Raid, Everything In Universe…
  nice time!

Kick-Ass Teenager Wins Nobel Peace Prize. What Have You Done With Your Life?

Ok, people, time to turn the snark off for just a little bit. We have some GOOD news to report. The Nobel Peace Prize winners were announced. We’re guessing that recent events took the Palin family out of consideration, so the Nobel Committee decided to honor the most amazingist 17-year-old on the planet, Malala Yousafzai: Read more on Kick-Ass Teenager Wins Nobel Peace Prize. What Have You Done With Your Life?…
  clipbait

John Oliver: America Loves Cheap And Deadly Drones Because Cheap And Deadly (Video)

Oh the hilarity!
Now that he’s done in-depth comedy reports on nuclear weapons and student debt, we’re no longer surprised when John Oliver uses deadly serious subject matter. It can only be a matter of time before he gets to Ebola at this rate. But this week, Last Week Tonight took on a different lethal pathogen: American drone strikes, such as those that were launched against targets in Pakistan and Yemen, not that many of us heard about them. Oliver notes that, with eight times as many drone strikes under Obama than under G.W. Bush, “drone strikes will be as much a characteristic of the Obama presidency as Obamacare or receiving racist email forwards from distant relatives.” And why not? Drone strikes are popular with the American public, because they’re “appealingly cheap and incredibly deadly,” which Oliver says could be drones’ official slogan, “but unfortunately, that’s already taken by Hardees.” Read more on John Oliver: America Loves Cheap And Deadly Drones Because Cheap And Deadly (Video)…
  borderline paranoid disorder

The Blaze Discovers Scary Terrorist Book, In English, On Texas Border

Hot on the heels of the big Breitbart scoop about that “Muslim prayer rug” (cleverly disguised as a shirt) found on the Arizona/Mexico border, the good folks at Glenn Beck’s Internet Tendency went looking for some terrorist detritus of their own, and by golly, they sure found some! An Urdu-to-English dictionary was not something Mike Vickers expected to find on the rocky earth underneath the cattle fencing around his 1,000-acre Texas ranch. Yet there it was — dropped, Vickers guesses, when its carrier got zapped by his fence’s electricity, and adding yet another dimension to the situation at the U.S.-Mexico border, where tens of thousands of people have been flooding into the United States. Urdu, of course, is the national language of Pakistan. Terrified exclamation points! Read more on The Blaze Discovers Scary Terrorist Book, In English, On Texas Border…
  guerrillas in our midst

‘Home Grown’ Jihadis And Invisible Gorillas About Equally Dangerous To U.S. Americans

Blogging is largely a matter of finding the right stuff to write about. For instance, we see that the Washington Post has a new political science blog feature called “The Monkey Cage” — from the H.L. Mencken quote, “Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.” And its first post is this really thoughtful, well-informed essay on why, even after the mall attack in Kenya, which may have included some al Shabaab recruits who came from America, we probably don’t need to be excessively freaked out about the threat that foreign-trained jihadis pose to Our Way Of Life. This is some serious, research-based policy analysis by Thomas Hegghammer, a “political scientist and historian at the Norwegian Defence Research Establishment,” and he really seems to know what he’s talking about. On the other hand, we also got a tip on this HuffPo story about a guy in Decatur, Tennessee Alabama,* who shot up his own living room with a shotgun to fend off an attack from imaginary gorillas. You can see how we’d be torn. But then we figured, hey, why not just Thomas Friedman this sucker and write about BOTH? Read more on ‘Home Grown’ Jihadis And Invisible Gorillas About Equally Dangerous To U.S. Americans…
  global nice time

Malala Yousafzai Celebrates Her 16th Birthday at U.N., Makes Us Almost Not Cynical For A Little Bit

Life is rough sometimes, what with mancave workplaces and grading badly-written memos and even exploding foamy pig shit sometimes. But then people like Malala Yousafzai come along and make us feel grateful that the worst most of us have to deal with is reading terrible memos in a cube farm full of pig doots. Malala, as you recall, is the Pakistani girl who “was shot in the head on a school bus by Taliban gunmen because of her campaign for girls’ rights.” And you know what she did? She said FUCK YOU TALIBAN, I’M GONNA LIVE. And she did. And she recovered, because she is a fucking badass chick. And did she stop her campaign for girls’ rights? Hellz no. She took that fight to the FUCKING UNITED NATIONS today: Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl shot by the Taliban, has told the U.N. that books and pens scare extremists, as she urged education for all…. Speaking on her 16th birthday, Malala said efforts to silence her had failed…. The speech at the UN headquarters in New York was her first public address since last October’s incident in Pakistan’s north-western Swat valley. That’s how you celebrate a sweet 16th birthday. Since Malala is an epic global badass, let’s wonksplore what she is fighting for.  Read more on Malala Yousafzai Celebrates Her 16th Birthday at U.N., Makes Us Almost Not Cynical For A Little Bit…
  Let's stop all the fight

Barry Xmas, War Is Over! A Wonkette Think Peace

We know it’s been a few days since Barack Obama’s boldly redefined / slightly modified / utterly capitulated in the War On Terror, but since Yr. Editrix said that a good “think piece analysis” is allowed to be late, here is a Sunday morningish Wonket thinky piece on Barry’s big drones -n- Gitmo speech at the National Defense University the other day. So is this a nice-time story, an Obama is morally weak story, or a BORE-ing, could we bring back the shouting lady please story? It most certainly is! We just aren’t sure when we should schedule the parade for the end of the War on Terror and Other Abstractions. Read more on Barry Xmas, War Is Over! A Wonkette Think Peace…
  surfing the himalayas

The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Our Favorite Cold War

Our favorite war right now is definitely India vs. Pakistan up on a glacier in the Himalayas, but it might be coming to an end. For those few who don’t know, India has been actually at war with Pakistan since 1984 (something to tell people when they raise the specter of India and Pakistan ever going to war with each other), and neither side has used any nukes. They’re fighting over a glacier so immense and rad that it’s referred to in geography cliques as the Third Pole. They’re fighting because of cartographic ambiguity and they’re fighting because it’s good politically on both sides to do so, since partition. Since a 2003 ceasefire and because there’s a ‘line of control’ that both sides accept in real terms as a de facto border, this conflict has moved into the truly pointless category. The real battle isn’t India vs. Pakistan anymore, but Each Side vs. the Unlivable Mountain, with its hundred mile an hour winds and negative-50-degree temperatures. The oxygen level is half of that at sea level. You can only hike at night because the sun’s heat makes avalanches more likely during the day. You get to shower once a month in the summer, and never in the winter, so you get lice, you fall into giant crevasses a hundred feet deep and ten feet across and die. And to top it off, idiot talk show hosts come tape episodes and eat all your damn food. Read more on The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Our Favorite Cold War…
  noun verb 911

Romney In NYC: Obama Should Have Handled Bin Laden The Way I Say I Said I Would

Here is a story with so many lovely layers of gooey rich ironies — like a trifle, or a Spotted Dick! First, Mitt Romney is in New York City today, cold hangin’ out at firehouses with Rudy 9u11iani while near-simultaneously criticizing Barack Obama for “politicizing” the death of Osama Bin Laden. Second, did you know Obama should have handled the whole OBL unpleasantness the way Mitt Romney says he said he would have? Fellows, it is true. “It was naive on the part of the candidate to say he would go in,” Romney whined like a total bitch. “It was a very uh uh uh if you will fragile and flammable time in Pakistan, and I thought it was a mistake of him as a candidate for the presidency of the United States at that time to announce that we would go in. Rather than to just, as I did, say we reserve the right to go in wherever is appropriate to secure the interests of the United States of America.” So did Romney say that thing he says he said, about of course reserving the right to turn Osama Bin Laden into a rapidly decomposing coral reef? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! Read more on Romney In NYC: Obama Should Have Handled Bin Laden The Way I Say I Said I Would…
  mutiny and a bounty

British Lord In Spot Of Bother After Putting $10 Million Bounty on Barack Obama’s Head

Lord Ahmed of Rotherham, a suspiciously Muslin-sounding Labour peer, was suspended last night after allegedly claiming he would put up a £10million bounty for the capture of Barack Obama, for pallin’ around with terrists and also for putting up a $10 million bounty of his own for Hafiz Muhammed Saeed, the alleged orchestrator of the 2008 Mumbai attacks. Ahmed is seeking retribution for the bounty placed on Mr. Saeed, who help create Lashkar-e-Taiba, a militant group. Ahmed calls it an ‘insult to all Muslims.’ The US stands firm insisting that it is only intended to insult the completely batshit Muslim extremists. Read more on British Lord In Spot Of Bother After Putting $10 Million Bounty on Barack Obama’s Head…
  for your own protection

Flying Spy-Death Machines, Coming to an Airspace Over You

Americans seem a tad unhappy with the club of corrupt kleptocrats running their government these days; seems about as good a time as any for Congress to give the go ahead to the military and private corporations to fill our skies with stealth spy-death machines to help keep an eye on protesters traffic conditions, maybe? To be fair, it must be incredibly annoying for the Department of Homeland Security to have to sit there combing Twitter all day long trying to figure out who needs some reedumacating, in Gitmo. And anyway, why should the CIA be the only ones having all the surveillance drone FUN? Read more on Flying Spy-Death Machines, Coming to an Airspace Over You…
  foreign policy puzzles

Michele Bachmann Maybe Leaked Hawt Top Secret Info On Pakistan

Did Michele Bachmann share a sexy classified scoop about attacks on Pakistan’s nukular sites during last night’s GOP debate? Is she already sharing a cell with Bradley Manning, in the one twist of fate that could possibly worsen America’s inhumane/unconstitutional torture of Manning? Read more on Michele Bachmann Maybe Leaked Hawt Top Secret Info On Pakistan…
  children are easy targets because they are slow

CIA Fake Vaccinated Children In Order To Capture Bin Laden

Your beloved Central Intelligence Agency has been caught running around the world trying to inject brown children with dirty syringes again. Is everyone impressed? That is the kind of creativity your nation uses to “keep the peace” in this world, by setting traps for small humans who merely thought they were being vaccinated. This is bound to be excellent public relations for the many global health programs that strive to improve early childhood mortality rates: Read more on CIA Fake Vaccinated Children In Order To Capture Bin Laden…
  everybody hates america

Pakistan Super PO’d About America Killing Pakistan’s Favorite Guy, Osama

What are America’s allies up to, these days? Oh, just jailing the CIA people who targeted Osama bin Laden in his fancy Pakistan suburban castle. China reads the White House gmail, British prime minister David Cameron mocks our wonderful health care system that’s available only to people with lots of money, and now Pakistan is just cold arresting people for squealing on Bin Laden. It’s almost like the whole world is laughing at America, nonstop. Read more on Pakistan Super PO’d About America Killing Pakistan’s Favorite Guy, Osama…
  it's morning in america

U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden

Here’s some good news for ally relations: If Pakistan had noticed the U.S. troops entering Pakistan airspace to take out bin Laden in time and opened fire on them, as they likely would have, the U.S. was prepared to shoot back and send in reinforcements to fight the Pakistanis until bin Laden’s body was back in Afghanistan. “Some people may have assumed we could talk our way out of a jam, but given our difficult relationship with Pakistan right now, the president did not want to leave anything to chance,” somebody told the New York Times. But Pakistan is now letting the U.S. talk to the terrorism guy’s widows, hooray! BFFs! Blood brothers! Haha, remember when we almost tried to kill each other and go to war?! That was a crazy week ago! (Would that have been a war or a squirmish?) [NYT] Read more on U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden… Read more on U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden…