Earlier today your Wonkette wrote, “Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages,” because all of the pages currently have devastating pig AIDS. Now we have a weiner! His name is Greg Walden (R-OR) and you can see him growing marijuana, on Twitter. Oops! [Twitter, The Hill]

C’MON PAGES, GET THE REST OF CONGRESS SICK: “Ten House pages were treated over the weekend for ‘flu-like symptoms’ in a potential outbreak of swine flu, the House Office of the Clerk announced Monday.” Those wretched rugrats, never washing their hands, coughing all over their Play-Do! Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages. [The Hill]

Considering the way DC interns and pages spend literally every waking hour exchanging bodily fluids and poop with each other and their middle-aged closeted bosses, the only thing surprising about the “Senate Pages Got The Pig AIDS” story is that the number of infected pages is only five. Jesus, about 98% of them already have syphilis and tuberculosis, so a measly five Swine-y flu pages in the nation’s foulest chamber of gross old men doing gross old things to weird children who volunteer for such pedophilia … well, that’s a pretty good argument for Swine Flu being “no big deal.” [True/Slant, KPCC]

Poor Mark Foley. In olden times (two years ago), he was just another affable barely-closeted gay Republican, well liked by his colleagues and constituents. Then he got caught exchanging sexy instant messages with 17-year-old male pages who were pretty clearly like, “Whatever, you old creep,” and suddenly everybody thought he was terrible. Now Foley’s breed of harmless homosexual Republican has been hunted almost into extinction, even as exorcism fetishists, alien warlords, and angry old crooks flourish within the party ranks. Let’s see what the fragile, endangered Cocktobrus floridianus has to say for himself. MORE »

The following e-mail was just sent specifically to Wonkette:

Hello,

I would like to invite all the Capitol Hill Interns to a TV shoot in DC … I’ts for a prime time series …. Could you send out a mass email?

Please call me…it’s happening on Monday!!!

Diane
323.904.xxxx

Sure, “Diane,” we’ll send out a mass e-mail. Good luck with your “TV shoot in DC.”

After the Mark Foley scandal, it was all but certain that even the most naive “civic minded” teenager would avoid the House and Senate page programs. Instead, becoming a page is more popular than ever before. MORE »

Letters to the editor are just more fun out in the middle of nowhere. Take Chillicothe, Ohio (”Ohio’s First Capital!”). An elderly gentleman writes: MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Lieberman’s new flack: hack-of-all-trades Marhsall “Bullshit Moose” Whittmann. Only problem: he’s a Republican and Senator WALNUTS McCain’s strongest supporter. And he’s one helluva media whore… The Starbucks on New Jersey and E has this “customer testimonial” from “Timothy H., congressional page:” “When I bought a case of Starbucks coffee, the text messages stopped coming” … Former Tom Daschle flack starts Pro-Obama website, emails everyone on Hill about it… Katherine Harris news: “She’s sitting at home plotting her future and secretly hoping (praying?) that Vern’s election is overturned so that she can run again in ‘08,” former Harris staffer says. Please, Jesus. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: The Youth of Today! Or, like a couple years ago: Gen X’ers in positions of mostly-ceremonial power! Rep. Adam Putnam, Aged 8! Some Rep.-elect named “Kirsten!” [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Esther Coopersmith holds a Thanksgiving Party for diplomats. Some of us just went to Galaxy Hut and sang karaoke, but that sounds cool too… A fond look back at the US before Iraq: Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ topped the charts, America thrilled to Eugene Levy’s embarrassing white-guy-rapping gimmick in Bringing Down the House. Truly a more innocent time… Senator whose state loves her the most: Olympia Snowe… Bob Novak went to the Panthers game with a young lady, didn’t have a very good time. [Examiner]
* Page Six: NY AG-elect Andrew Cuomo hired Clinton FBI head/Whitewater obsessive Louis Freeh. [NYP]

K Street Republicans were “flabbergasted” by an e-mail begging for handouts to cover disgraced Foley chief of staff Kirk Fordham’s legal bills. Even better, the e-mail was sent the morning after the Election Day Bloodbath. MORE »

We’ve heard now, from a number of equally credible (read: not particularly credible) sources, variations on the following three rumors about Representative Jerry Weller (R-IL). Because the last time we checked this nation was still a democracy, we are letting you, the people, vote on your favorite.

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The Foley Cocktober Surprise, as we currently understand it: MORE »