Wonkette

• WALNUTS!, THE HEATHEN: A Wonkette campaign office operative sends us this startling bit of news: “A coworker of mine was just over at the McCain HQ in Crystal City. Apparently Walnuts is so superstitious he’s had the 13th floor office elevator plates replaced with ‘M’s.” Who knew WALNUTS! was such a pagan witch? We will still vote for him over Sexist Obama, however.

Happy Day After Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus al-Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre. It’s also when the White House once again honors the 50 states by displaying crappy decorated eggs that are somehow representative of the states in question. Hey look it’s a terrible bloated morbidly obese Panda! Guess which “state” goes with this loathsome egg. MORE »

Way back in the Fifth Century, Eliot Spitzer took a “white slave” to Ireland. After many years of imprisonment, Little Saint Patrick escaped back to England, which was part of Rome at the time, and he remembered his Irish slavery so fondly that he vowed to return and destroy Paganism. It only took another 1,500 years for Ted Kennedy to drunkenly crash his car off a tiny bridge and drown his girlfriend. Learn more about St. Patrick’s Day, after the jump. MORE »

* Virginians arm themselves, seek to end Yankee aggression. [WP]
* “Administrative Hearings Judge Roy Pearson filed a [$65 million] civil suit against Jin Nam and Ki Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, for losing a pair of pants and using signs that Pearson claims were deceptive.” Perhaps the deceptive signage read, “We happily serve idiots here.” [WTOP]
* “Police have arrested a 66-year-old Hagerstown man they describe as a senior member of the Pagan Motorcycle Club on charges of illegal possession of weapons and explosive devices.” [WTOP]
* Former Oriole-turned-teevee sports person Rick Dempsey cracks hilarious on-air wife-beating joke. Laughter, after all, is the best medicine. [Daily Motion]
* 2007 will forever be known as “Year of the Scourge,” as iPod theft runs rampant on Metro. Just like Islamofacism, there is nothing anyone can too but continue to fight for freedom in the streets of Iraq. [Express]

Happy Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus Al Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre.

The two most precious Christian symbols of this holiest of weekends are the bunny rabbit, because all it does is fuck and eat, and the painted egg, which reminds us of where all that sperm is headed. President Bush honors our national paganism each spring with a symbolic “egg hunt” in which children (the eventual product all that human sperm) run about the lawn looking for eggs or Barney’s poops.

As usual, there’s a new batch of Official State Easter Eggs which will be displayed at the White House. Join us after the jump for a gallery of dubious state symbolism.

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