If you mark the beginning of Spring in DC by the emergence of cherry blossoms, a resurrected Jesus, or homeless people sleeping in Dupont Circle, we regret to inform you that you’ve made a grievous error. Spring does not actually begin in DC until hordes of women and men alike don sundresses in a ritual celebration of ill-fitting muumuus, dead pigs, and cheap beer. MORE »

Here’s a Peep Show for the whole family: The Washington Post is now accepting submissions for its third annual Peeps Diorama Contest, in celebration of the “candy” Peeps that are somehow representative of Easter, in America. MORE »

The sophisticated nation-state of Indiana celebrates “Dyngus Day” today, in which men throw buckets of water on women who capture their fancy. This is some sort of nutty Polish holiday. Naturally, Bill Clinton has journeyed to Indiana to better observe this sacred event. [First Read]

Because Easter celebrates fertility and ancient pagan sex rituals, the day after Easter George Bush likes to invite children to his house to observe his fecund daughter Jenna and look on in wonderment as he indulges in subtle anal play with the Easter Bunny. Join us on this appalling tour of the filthiest Easter Egg Roll since last year’s! MORE »

Happy Day After Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus al-Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre. It’s also when the White House once again honors the 50 states by displaying crappy decorated eggs that are somehow representative of the states in question. Hey look it’s a terrible bloated morbidly obese Panda! Guess which “state” goes with this loathsome egg. MORE »

Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America’s First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation. MORE »

Each July, world leaders and captains of industry meet at a beautiful Redwoods-studded campground in Northern California to have fun, make new friends and perform solemn human-sacrifice rituals beneath a giant owl who speaks with Walter Cronkite’s voice. The 2,700-acre compound in question is known as Bohemian Grove, and it’s basically summer camp for war criminals.

What’s this got to do with some 1970s’ UK model? Find out after the jump … if you dare.

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