Hey all you elite cocktail-sipping Georgetown dandies gumming your cucumber sandwiches at tea time: Barack Obama is NOT overexposing himself with the daily live-teevee appearances and “town halls” and Jay Leno guest spots. In fact, this is how you make Americans love you, in this country. You just show up on every teevee show, laughing weirdly, dancing, saying vaguely untrue things, smiling, etc., and then your approval ratings just go up, up, up. MORE »

This will learn ‘em good: The House of Representatives just passed this “tax those fancy stockjobbers at the 90% rate” legislation, which means the federal money used to pay off these bailout bitches will now be taxed at 90% — if the bonus-getter’s income is over $250,000, so Joe the Plumber is still safe from socialism — which means the money will be filtered through these people who destroyed the Global Economy (with the permission of Alan Greenspan and Reagan’s Ghost) for a !0% commission. So if your bonus for ruining Earth was, say, a million bucks this month, at least you’ll still have a $100,000 left over for cocaine. MORE »

Anybody else feeling some rage fatigue here? Some congressional grilling fatigue? Anyone else just want to rent out the world’s biggest Dumpster and put in it every financial goon whose name has made the front page of the New York Times in the past 24 months? Well, that’s what the ‘Tussin is for. A few squirts and you will be back riding the old Horse of Indignation once again. Join us on a journey through the dark heart of a London division of an American company that made all the money in the world disappear. MORE »

When this BREAKING NEWS broke 40 minutes ago, Caroline Kennedy was dropping out of the whole “You know, I am famous, politically, so anoint me senator” deal for “personal reasons.” Ha, and now it turns out (according to the New York Post, which is apparently correct) the “reason” was she wasn’t the “person” Paterson will choose to run out Hillary Clinton’s term in the Senate. MORE »

Oh man, weren’t we done with this guy? When did everybody know he had affairs and mistresses? We knew in October — if by “knew” you mean we posted some crap that the National Enquirer “reported” and the Huffington Post repeated. But now, suddenly, it seems there might be a pretty good prime-time speech slot open on probably Tuesday at the Democratic Convention, because John-John’s got (an alleged) love child! MORE »

Rather than risk the wrath of the all-powerful Fourniers, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal vetoed a bill to double the salaries of state legislators. As a result, the state will have literally hundreds more dollars to spend on ball-withering chemicals and maps of the planet Earth showing Adam and Eve riding dinosaurs in Spain. [Times-Picayune]

The DC Metro ran this ad on a bobbleheaded Pope riding the Metro to a big crazy Papal Mass at Nationals Stadium, and the Washington Archdiocese was like, Hey that is not funny, you are talking about the leader of our religion there, and he would never advise riding the DC Metro, furthermore he is not wearing the right Pope-hat. MORE »

Two contract employees at the State Department accessed Barack Obama’s passport files on three separate occasions this year, and have now been fired for their “imprudent curiosity.” They accessed his file! On three separate occasions! It is a horrible breach of some sort! Wonkette demands a full independent investigation, led by Ken Starr. [AP]

The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. MORE »

Now she’s getting nasty: Hillary is lashing out against America’s Funnyman, “Sinbad,” which is basically political suicide. Do you know how many presidents were elected after criticizing Sinbad? Zero, that’s how many.

Long ago, in 1996, Hillary Clinton and her elite team of Justice League superheroes — Chelsea, Sheryl Crow, and America’s Funnyman, Sinbad — had to fly to Bosnia to save the Troops from Sniper Fire. Hillary’s campaign has used this story as proof of her Global Experience with wars and troops.

But then Sinbad spoke the Truth about how they really just flew there in an airplane, to do a fun “meet and greet” with American troops stationed there as peacekeepers at the time, and nobody was ever in any danger of any kind.

Today — on St. Patrick’s Day, of all days — Hillary dismissed Sinbad’s version of the story.

“He’s a comedian, you know,” she said.

What does that even mean? Are comedians somehow less trustworthy than, say, white people?

Clinton on Sinbad: ‘He’s a comedian, you know’ [Politico/Ben Smith]

Relax, Mitt Romney wasn’t wearing a wire and being fed information from his research staff during last night’s GOP debate! MSNBC says it was just a “microphone malfunction.” And then MSNBC.com removed all references to the incident. [Raw Story]