Tag Archives: osama bin laden

  clipbait

Jon Stewart Tries To Distract Us From All These Obama Distractions Fox News Is Yelling About

Forget comedy; Jon Stewart is quite simply one of our best media critics, a Marshal McLuhan for stoned millennials. On Tuesday’s Daily Show, he treated us to his analysis of the pre-Super Bowl interview in which “the most powerful man in the Free World sat down with Obama” for a visit to the “Fox scandal grab bag.” Read more on Jon Stewart Tries To Distract Us From All These Obama Distractions Fox News Is Yelling About…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, that weekly big ball of wadded-up idiocy from our inbox that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite merit a full-length Wonket post. Up first, a quick visit to that land of fiscal restraint, North Carolina, where Gov. Pat McCrory presided over a 2013 legislative session that raised taxes on the poor and cut them on the rich, resulting in a projected $2 billion cut in state revenues over the next five years. The revenue loss will require huge cuts for social programs and public schools — after all, what can go wrong when you slash school budgets, anyway? — but times are hard, and you gotta be careful not to waste the taxpayers’ money. Which is why it only makes sense that Gov. McCrory is going to spend $230,000 on “remodeling bathrooms in his private living quarters at North Carolina’s Executive Mansion.” Sound like they’ll be really nice once the work is done: Planned upgrades include new marble, tubs and fixtures for six bathrooms on the upper floors of the Victorian-era home in Raleigh. We aren’t sure we can be too angry about this, though, since the last time the bathrooms in the Governor’s Mansion were refurbished was in the 1970’s. Gov. McCrory shouldn’t have to deal with all those fixtures in Avocado and Harvest Gold. Besides, there’s probably some extra costs involved in making sure the bathrooms aren’t compliant with Sharia law. You can’t be too careful about these things. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies…
  Selective never forgetting

Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)

What is it we’re supposed to never forget again? George W. Bush, August 6, 2001: Bush listened to the briefing [Bin Laden determined to strike in US], Suskind says, then told the CIA briefer: “All right. You’ve covered your ass, now.” George W. Bush, March 13, 2002: Read more on Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)…
  we give up

Why Is Michelle Obama Visiting Bin Laden’s Son In The Hospital After He Did The Boston Bombings?

So it turns out, via tipster “Michael,” who would like Wonket to investigate before we get 9/11ed again, that the SAUDI NATIONAL (who has already been cleared of the Boston Bombings but only because the FBI IS IN ON IT) is actually Osama Bin Laden’s son, Hamza, and Michelle Obama visited him in the hospital after he did the Boston Bombings, because she loves jihad. Read more on Why Is Michelle Obama Visiting Bin Laden’s Son In The Hospital After He Did The Boston Bombings?…
  the war on the war on terror

A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention

The New York Times posted an op-ed online Sunday night that’s jarring not only because of its content but because of its very existence: It’s a column from a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay that explains how degrading and painful it is to be force fed while trying to hold a hunger strike to protest his eternal imprisonment for not doing a bad thing, whatever the bad thing was, because he has never been charged with anything. When Alice Paul does it in Occoquan, we give her a halo and put her in a Hilary Swank movie. When scary Muslim strangers do it, we say, “Welp, his fault for looking like a terrorist.” And by “we” your Wonkette means the fart goblins who have taken to the New York Times comment section on the column to whine about how this man deserves to rot forever, for the crime of being sent to Guantanamo Bay. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention…
  Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

Rep. Peter King Leaks Government Secrets To Threaten National Security Some More

If there’s one thing New York Rep. Peter King (R-OF COURSE) hates — besides Muslims, obviously — it’s people who leak classified information because they hate America. (Why else would they leak classified information, right?) Leaking government secrets is like an “invitation to murder” basically, according to Peter King. Like that one time there were leaks about the raid that killed Osama bin Laden because President Obama sucks or something? He especially hated that: Read more on Rep. Peter King Leaks Government Secrets To Threaten National Security Some More…
  takers

Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance

Join the armed forces you guys! We cannot stop counting the perks! You’ll maybe get to travel to foreign and exotic places, shoot Bin Laden in the face and kill him, and then come home a hero! Movies will be made about you, people will sing your praises, the world will be your oyster! Until you decide you want to retire, and then things may not go so great! This is how things have turned out for the guy who shot Osama bin Laden in the face — literally, the exact guy on SEAL Team 6 who shot Bin Laden in the face. He has decided to retire and can’t find a job and thought he didn’t have access to health care (only to find out later that he has health care for five years and his family isn’t covered). According to a profile on Esquire that is so amazing you should have read it yesterday: But the Shooter will discover soon enough that when he leaves after sixteen years in the Navy, his body filled with scar tissue, arthritis, tendonitis, eye damage, and blown disks, here is what he gets from his employer and a grateful nation: Nothing. No pension, no health care, and no protection for himself or his family. Read more on Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance…
  fact-checkers gone wild

Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead

Everybody’s boo-hooing about the fact-check craze sweeping the nation, whether it’s sane, reasonable people laughing at AP’s ridiculose “fact check” that stated Bill Clinton was wrong to point out a Romney welfare ad lie, because Clinton once lied about all the intern snatch he was pulling, or the goons of Red State telling their minions that if they quote a fact checker, they will be banned. BANNED! And they don’t even have to threaten a skullfuck or call something tarded to earn that distinct honor! But someone has managed to scale the heights of fact-check crazy, and that person, obviously, is Ghost Andrew Breitbart, with his counterintuitive fact-check claiming that despite Joe Biden’s bumper sticker-ready slogan, and all evidence to the contrary, Osama Bin Laden is not in fact dead, and General Motors is not in fact alive! That, as someone recently lied because he got poontang once, takes some brass! Read more on Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead…
  axis of fantasy

Never Forget The Summer Bin Laden Briefly Distracted Us From Saddam Hussein

In the summer of 2001, while most Americans were first and foremost worried about shark attacks, our newly installed neocon foreign policy leaders had their eyes on the real enemy, the one man who was working tirelessly to destroy us: Saddam Hussein. This evil dictator, whose plans for world conquest had received a minor setback a decade earlier when the vast majority of his armed forces and military hardware were destroyed, was assembling a fearsome arsenal of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons to strike at us. The only thing that could sap America’s resolve to finish the job and kill the guy who tried to kill the president’s father after the president’s father tried to kill him? Why, Saddam Hussein’s very best friend, Osama bin Laden, who spent much of 2001 running a disinformation campaign (with the liberal CIA’s help) meant to stop our heroic march to Iraqi victory. Read more on Never Forget The Summer Bin Laden Briefly Distracted Us From Saddam Hussein…
  and a happy 9/11 to you!

Dick Cheney Bombshell: Barack Obama Caused 9/11 By Ignoring All His Daily Briefings

Good 9/11 Day to you, Wonkers, and May We Never Forget! Here is your ritual 9/11 gift, consisting of the retelling of the traditional 9/11 story by the Daily Caller explaining how Barack Obama never bothers with his PDBs — his Presidential Daily Briefings — and that is why he did the greatest Terror Attack on American soil, with his best friend Osama Bin Laden. Inpeach! Read more on Dick Cheney Bombshell: Barack Obama Caused 9/11 By Ignoring All His Daily Briefings…
  you will never know the hour of mitt romney assassinating you

Fifteen Percent Of Ohio Republicans: Mitt Romney Killed Bin Laden

Public Policy Polling polled pretty publicly, preferring poignant probes pertaining to…Ohio. They asked a question during that polling – namely, who was more responsible for Osama bin Laden’s death: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney? Fifteen percent of Ohio Republicans said Mitt Romney. In what some (my colleague Tim Murphy) have called “the greatest thing ever,” a full 15 percent of Ohio Republicans surveyed said Romney deserved more credit than the president. Another 47 percent said they were “unsure.” Read more on Fifteen Percent Of Ohio Republicans: Mitt Romney Killed Bin Laden…
  literary spats

American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller

If you ever want to weep bitter tears for the death of American good taste, just purchase a coach class domestic airline ticket and take a little trip across Real America. You will discover that literally dozens of your fellow airline passengers are openly reading 50 Shades Of Grey or its offshoots, a terribly written series of ostensibly erotic pamphlets that extol the virtues of S&M and straightfacedly present the word “argh” as an expression of erotic pleasure. These books originated as Twilight fan fiction but then had even that pleasure stripped from them before being published and becoming inexplicable worldwide best-sellers. But now, at least according to Amazon’s inscrutable book-ranking metrics, there’s a new timeless tale that Americans want to hear about: Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face by a bunch of Navy SEALs. Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex? Read more on American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller…
  he didn't build that

Nation’s Troops Up in Arms That Barack Obama Had Them Kill Osama Bin Laden

Remember swift-boating? Of course you do, now that the media labels every single attack against a political candidate swift-boating, no matter what it’s about or whether it’s true. But once a upon a time (2004, to be exact), swift-boating meant something. Specifically, it meant lying about John Kerry’s military record and trashing him as a traitor for the very things that made him a decent guy. Now a group of Republican activists concerned nonpartisan citizens want us to know how dangerous President Obama is to our national security because of that time he had our military hunt down and kill our greatest enemy. Wait, what? Read more on Nation’s Troops Up in Arms That Barack Obama Had Them Kill Osama Bin Laden…