Tag Archives: osama bin laden

  Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

Rep. Peter King Leaks Government Secrets To Threaten National Security Some More

If there’s one thing New York Rep. Peter King (R-OF COURSE) hates — besides Muslims, obviously — it’s people who leak classified information because they hate America. (Why else would they leak classified information, right?) Leaking government secrets is like an “invitation to murder” basically, according to Peter King. Like that one time there were leaks about the raid that killed Osama bin Laden because President Obama sucks or something? He especially hated that: Read more on Rep. Peter King Leaks Government Secrets To Threaten National Security Some More…
  takers

Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance

Join the armed forces you guys! We cannot stop counting the perks! You’ll maybe get to travel to foreign and exotic places, shoot Bin Laden in the face and kill him, and then come home a hero! Movies will be made about you, people will sing your praises, the world will be your oyster! Until you decide you want to retire, and then things may not go so great! This is how things have turned out for the guy who shot Osama bin Laden in the face — literally, the exact guy on SEAL Team 6 who shot Bin Laden in the face. He has decided to retire and can’t find a job and thought he didn’t have access to health care (only to find out later that he has health care for five years and his family isn’t covered). According to a profile on Esquire that is so amazing you should have read it yesterday: But the Shooter will discover soon enough that when he leaves after sixteen years in the Navy, his body filled with scar tissue, arthritis, tendonitis, eye damage, and blown disks, here is what he gets from his employer and a grateful nation: Nothing. No pension, no health care, and no protection for himself or his family. Read more on Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance…
  fact-checkers gone wild

Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead

Everybody’s boo-hooing about the fact-check craze sweeping the nation, whether it’s sane, reasonable people laughing at AP’s ridiculose “fact check” that stated Bill Clinton was wrong to point out a Romney welfare ad lie, because Clinton once lied about all the intern snatch he was pulling, or the goons of Red State telling their minions that if they quote a fact checker, they will be banned. BANNED! And they don’t even have to threaten a skullfuck or call something tarded to earn that distinct honor! But someone has managed to scale the heights of fact-check crazy, and that person, obviously, is Ghost Andrew Breitbart, with his counterintuitive fact-check claiming that despite Joe Biden’s bumper sticker-ready slogan, and all evidence to the contrary, Osama Bin Laden is not in fact dead, and General Motors is not in fact alive! That, as someone recently lied because he got poontang once, takes some brass! Read more on Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead…
  axis of fantasy

Never Forget The Summer Bin Laden Briefly Distracted Us From Saddam Hussein

In the summer of 2001, while most Americans were first and foremost worried about shark attacks, our newly installed neocon foreign policy leaders had their eyes on the real enemy, the one man who was working tirelessly to destroy us: Saddam Hussein. This evil dictator, whose plans for world conquest had received a minor setback a decade earlier when the vast majority of his armed forces and military hardware were destroyed, was assembling a fearsome arsenal of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons to strike at us. The only thing that could sap America’s resolve to finish the job and kill the guy who tried to kill the president’s father after the president’s father tried to kill him? Why, Saddam Hussein’s very best friend, Osama bin Laden, who spent much of 2001 running a disinformation campaign (with the liberal CIA’s help) meant to stop our heroic march to Iraqi victory. Read more on Never Forget The Summer Bin Laden Briefly Distracted Us From Saddam Hussein…
  and a happy 9/11 to you!

Dick Cheney Bombshell: Barack Obama Caused 9/11 By Ignoring All His Daily Briefings

Good 9/11 Day to you, Wonkers, and May We Never Forget! Here is your ritual 9/11 gift, consisting of the retelling of the traditional 9/11 story by the Daily Caller explaining how Barack Obama never bothers with his PDBs — his Presidential Daily Briefings — and that is why he did the greatest Terror Attack on American soil, with his best friend Osama Bin Laden. Inpeach! Read more on Dick Cheney Bombshell: Barack Obama Caused 9/11 By Ignoring All His Daily Briefings…
  you will never know the hour of mitt romney assassinating you

Fifteen Percent Of Ohio Republicans: Mitt Romney Killed Bin Laden

Public Policy Polling polled pretty publicly, preferring poignant probes pertaining to…Ohio. They asked a question during that polling – namely, who was more responsible for Osama bin Laden’s death: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney? Fifteen percent of Ohio Republicans said Mitt Romney. In what some (my colleague Tim Murphy) have called “the greatest thing ever,” a full 15 percent of Ohio Republicans surveyed said Romney deserved more credit than the president. Another 47 percent said they were “unsure.” Read more on Fifteen Percent Of Ohio Republicans: Mitt Romney Killed Bin Laden…
  literary spats

American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller

If you ever want to weep bitter tears for the death of American good taste, just purchase a coach class domestic airline ticket and take a little trip across Real America. You will discover that literally dozens of your fellow airline passengers are openly reading 50 Shades Of Grey or its offshoots, a terribly written series of ostensibly erotic pamphlets that extol the virtues of S&M and straightfacedly present the word “argh” as an expression of erotic pleasure. These books originated as Twilight fan fiction but then had even that pleasure stripped from them before being published and becoming inexplicable worldwide best-sellers. But now, at least according to Amazon’s inscrutable book-ranking metrics, there’s a new timeless tale that Americans want to hear about: Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face by a bunch of Navy SEALs. Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex? Read more on American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller…
  he didn't build that

Nation’s Troops Up in Arms That Barack Obama Had Them Kill Osama Bin Laden

Remember swift-boating? Of course you do, now that the media labels every single attack against a political candidate swift-boating, no matter what it’s about or whether it’s true. But once a upon a time (2004, to be exact), swift-boating meant something. Specifically, it meant lying about John Kerry’s military record and trashing him as a traitor for the very things that made him a decent guy. Now a group of Republican activists concerned nonpartisan citizens want us to know how dangerous President Obama is to our national security because of that time he had our military hunt down and kill our greatest enemy. Wait, what? Read more on Nation’s Troops Up in Arms That Barack Obama Had Them Kill Osama Bin Laden…
  sleeps with the fishes

Daily Caller: Barack Obama Such A Loser He Only Killed Bin Laden Once

OH NOEZ Barack H. Christ has not killed Osama Bin Laden dead often enough for the pleasant fellows of the Daily Caller, as their screaming headlines insist he let OBL go three times (before killing him). Let us hear their evidence, which is contradicted by every other instance of deep-dive reporting on the subject, and by somewhat more respected sources, such as anyone in the world who isn’t the Daily Caller! Read more on Daily Caller: Barack Obama Such A Loser He Only Killed Bin Laden Once…
  why not

Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting

One ambitious Californian by the name of Bill Warren, who has spent decades hunting, but never really finding, treasure at the bottom of the sea, has declared that now Osama Bin Laden’s body, not gold, is his everything. Warren has been looking for the body of Bin Laden for about a year, and told the newspaper El Mundo that he now knows exactly where the Navy SEALs “threw” Bin Laden’s body “away” like so much McDonald’s drive-thru trash on the side of a highway. Per Gizmodo, Warren is now “trying to rent Russian deep diving equipment to locate his payload.” “Payload.” Read more on Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting…
  noun verb 911

Romney In NYC: Obama Should Have Handled Bin Laden The Way I Say I Said I Would

Here is a story with so many lovely layers of gooey rich ironies — like a trifle, or a Spotted Dick! First, Mitt Romney is in New York City today, cold hangin’ out at firehouses with Rudy 9u11iani while near-simultaneously criticizing Barack Obama for “politicizing” the death of Osama Bin Laden. Second, did you know Obama should have handled the whole OBL unpleasantness the way Mitt Romney says he said he would have? Fellows, it is true. “It was naive on the part of the candidate to say he would go in,” Romney whined like a total bitch. “It was a very uh uh uh if you will fragile and flammable time in Pakistan, and I thought it was a mistake of him as a candidate for the presidency of the United States at that time to announce that we would go in. Rather than to just, as I did, say we reserve the right to go in wherever is appropriate to secure the interests of the United States of America.” So did Romney say that thing he says he said, about of course reserving the right to turn Osama Bin Laden into a rapidly decomposing coral reef? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! Read more on Romney In NYC: Obama Should Have Handled Bin Laden The Way I Say I Said I Would…
  economy schmeconomy

Romney, Obama Arguing Over Who’d Have Murdered Bin Laden Harder

Boy oh boy are we looking forward to the general election presidential debates. Here is a delightful preview from today’s news cycle to give your groan reflex a light workout ahead of the marathon that awaits it this fall: Mitt Romney, per the above tweet, asserted that one need only have balls the size of Jimmy Carter’s as a prerequisite for wanting to kill Osama bin Laden. Ha ha, zing! Good one, old boy. Rebuttal, Barack Obama? “As far as my personal role and what other folks [Ed note: He means Romney] would do, I’d just recommend that everybody take a look at people’s previous statements in terms of whether they thought it was appropriate to go into Pakistan and take out bin Laden,” he said. What fun, having arguments over hypothetical tactical decisions about an event that has already taken place. More presidential testicle-size math word problems, please! Read more on Romney, Obama Arguing Over Who’d Have Murdered Bin Laden Harder…
  pretty cool access there bro

Brian Williams Wins Shark-Jumping Award For Osama Death Anniversary Celebrations

Okay, just because we don’t think there’s anything wrong with Barack Obama using Osama’s killing to his political advantage doesn’t mean that it can’t get really fucking annoying after a while — welcome to uncreative Democratic campaigns! — or that pillars of the media establishment wouldn’t be whores by playing along with it completely. And look at what’s just arrived in ye olde Wonkette inbox, from the NBC PR folks: Read more on Brian Williams Wins Shark-Jumping Award For Osama Death Anniversary Celebrations…
  we don't need another hero

DC To Take Rare Evening To Honor Unsung Heroes

Have you heard?! Some pretty important folks in Washington, DC, will take a rare evening off from schmoozing each other and holding up the bar with the Ol’ Wet One, John Boehner, and instead will spend their time looking over each other’s shoulders to try and spot “Hollywood” people like Lindsay Lohan and the scary mob mom battleax from Real Housewives of New Jersey! This is an event those “in the know!” call the White House Club of America Gala and everyone loves it forever! It doesn’t often make any news as such per se and so forth, except for a little bit last year we guess maybe when it turned out President Smoove could take a chunk out of Donald Trump and Osama Bin Laden at the exact same time! Donald Trump was SO MAD you guys! And Osama Bin Laden was SO DEAD! Read more on DC To Take Rare Evening To Honor Unsung Heroes…
  chilling narratives

Latest Obama Web Ad: Bill Clinton Rambles For 90 Seconds

How does Bill Clinton always finagle his way into everything? Here’s an ad for the Barack Obama Presidential Campaign in which we find… Bill Clinton babbling for 90 seconds. Sure, why not. He’s like “Yep’m indeedy, Obama sure killed that Osama feller alright. Would Mitt Romney have done that? Ehh maybe.” Silly Bill Clinton. Don’t you know that Obama and his surrogates are not allowed to mention this popular thing he did in his bid for reelection? Read more on Latest Obama Web Ad: Bill Clinton Rambles For 90 Seconds…
  how uncouth

Scandal: Obama Campaign Mentioning Osama’s Death To Help Win Reelection

A CBS radio reporter sent White House press secretary Jay Carney, along with President Obama and Vice President Biden, to detention today. It’s called accountability, folks. Their crime: Mentioning the death of Osama bin Laden in speeches so often that it’s beginning to look like they’re using this for what experts call “political advantage.” If true, this would be… illegal… bad… something else… huh? Read more on Scandal: Obama Campaign Mentioning Osama’s Death To Help Win Reelection…
  we call them 'lewinsky's

Bin Laden’s Plot to Assassinate Obama: Not Close, No Cigar

Poor Osama Bin Laden. All he wanted was endless jihad and to assassinate his fellow terrorist Muslim Mr. B. Hussein Obama, and what did he get? Not another day older, for one. (You know the rest.) Anyhoo, looks like we know who won that dick-measuring contest. What do you think his “plot” consisted of? An exploding cigar? (Yes, it was an exploding cigar.) Sending Random Task to throw a shoe? Shooting down his Air Force One even though Bin Laden and his hilarious company of bumbling misfits do not apparently have any “weapons” capable of doing such a thing? Hint, it was that last one, even though they really should have gone with the cigar. Some things are just classic for a reason! But wait! There is more, and that is that Osama bin Laden LIBELED our own Handsome Old Joe Biden. SOMEONE GONNA PAY. Read more on Bin Laden’s Plot to Assassinate Obama: Not Close, No Cigar…
  meh

Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden

With liberal amounts of Paris Hilton SexTape Night Vision, slo-mo closeups of the same three War Room pictures we have seen four million times, and a voiceover that specifically lauds President Obama’s bravery in flying to Pakistan and karate-chopping Osama Bin Laden in the face, the trailer for a new documentary on Obama’s first term succeeds in making him out to be as narcissistic and credit-hogging as the right has ever claimed. Heckuva job, Academy Award-winning director Davis Guggenheim! How could we make it better? Find out after the jump! Read more on Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden…
  jesusween

Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives

Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate — so we are here to help. For example, here’s a super easy “Sexy Newt Gingrich Behind the Zoo” costume you can put together with a real-hair Newt Gingrich full-head mask from the surgery supply store and a bunch of stuffed animals you can easily find behind any hospital. Read more on Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives…
  A truthful xplanation but you know what? Eye got another conspiracy

Did Prince Do 9/11?

According to the people speaking Elvish in this European television broadcast, shocking audio from a Prince concert in 1998 proves the Minneapolis badass knew years in advance that Osama bin Laden would “bomb” (hip hop for “use passenger jets as missiles”) the United States in 2001. Why won’t the Tea Party distance itself from Prince? Read more on Did Prince Do 9/11?…
  loserland

Happy 9/11 Forever! Sad Cartoon Movie Shows How Osama Totally Won

Gah, is it time to drink yet? Yes, it is! ALSO: If a fucktard security guard gives you any guff at all, about anything, tell him to suck your koch and walk away. Why the fuck people think they need to pay any attention to rent-a-cops is an enduring mystery in Chickenshit America. [America’s War Within] Read more on Happy 9/11 Forever! Sad Cartoon Movie Shows How Osama Totally Won…