Tag Archives: osama bin laden

  literary spats

American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller

If you ever want to weep bitter tears for the death of American good taste, just purchase a coach class domestic airline ticket and take a little trip across Real America. You will discover that literally dozens of your fellow airline passengers are openly reading 50 Shades Of Grey or its offshoots, a terribly written series of ostensibly erotic pamphlets that extol the virtues of S&M and straightfacedly present the word “argh” as an expression of erotic pleasure. These books originated as Twilight fan fiction but then had even that pleasure stripped from them before being published and becoming inexplicable worldwide best-sellers. But now, at least according to Amazon’s inscrutable book-ranking metrics, there’s a new timeless tale that Americans want to hear about: Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face by a bunch of Navy SEALs. Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex? Read more on American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller…
  he didn't build that

Nation’s Troops Up in Arms That Barack Obama Had Them Kill Osama Bin Laden

Remember swift-boating? Of course you do, now that the media labels every single attack against a political candidate swift-boating, no matter what it’s about or whether it’s true. But once a upon a time (2004, to be exact), swift-boating meant something. Specifically, it meant lying about John Kerry’s military record and trashing him as a traitor for the very things that made him a decent guy. Now a group of Republican activists concerned nonpartisan citizens want us to know how dangerous President Obama is to our national security because of that time he had our military hunt down and kill our greatest enemy. Wait, what? Read more on Nation’s Troops Up in Arms That Barack Obama Had Them Kill Osama Bin Laden…
  sleeps with the fishes

Daily Caller: Barack Obama Such A Loser He Only Killed Bin Laden Once

OH NOEZ Barack H. Christ has not killed Osama Bin Laden dead often enough for the pleasant fellows of the Daily Caller, as their screaming headlines insist he let OBL go three times (before killing him). Let us hear their evidence, which is contradicted by every other instance of deep-dive reporting on the subject, and by somewhat more respected sources, such as anyone in the world who isn’t the Daily Caller! Read more on Daily Caller: Barack Obama Such A Loser He Only Killed Bin Laden Once…
  why not

Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting

One ambitious Californian by the name of Bill Warren, who has spent decades hunting, but never really finding, treasure at the bottom of the sea, has declared that now Osama Bin Laden’s body, not gold, is his everything. Warren has been looking for the body of Bin Laden for about a year, and told the newspaper El Mundo that he now knows exactly where the Navy SEALs “threw” Bin Laden’s body “away” like so much McDonald’s drive-thru trash on the side of a highway. Per Gizmodo, Warren is now “trying to rent Russian deep diving equipment to locate his payload.” “Payload.” Read more on Treasure Hunter Gives Up Hunting For Gold Because Bin Laden’s Corpse Is More Interesting…
  noun verb 911

Romney In NYC: Obama Should Have Handled Bin Laden The Way I Say I Said I Would

Here is a story with so many lovely layers of gooey rich ironies — like a trifle, or a Spotted Dick! First, Mitt Romney is in New York City today, cold hangin’ out at firehouses with Rudy 9u11iani while near-simultaneously criticizing Barack Obama for “politicizing” the death of Osama Bin Laden. Second, did you know Obama should have handled the whole OBL unpleasantness the way Mitt Romney says he said he would have? Fellows, it is true. “It was naive on the part of the candidate to say he would go in,” Romney whined like a total bitch. “It was a very uh uh uh if you will fragile and flammable time in Pakistan, and I thought it was a mistake of him as a candidate for the presidency of the United States at that time to announce that we would go in. Rather than to just, as I did, say we reserve the right to go in wherever is appropriate to secure the interests of the United States of America.” So did Romney say that thing he says he said, about of course reserving the right to turn Osama Bin Laden into a rapidly decomposing coral reef? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! Read more on Romney In NYC: Obama Should Have Handled Bin Laden The Way I Say I Said I Would…
  economy schmeconomy

Romney, Obama Arguing Over Who’d Have Murdered Bin Laden Harder

Boy oh boy are we looking forward to the general election presidential debates. Here is a delightful preview from today’s news cycle to give your groan reflex a light workout ahead of the marathon that awaits it this fall: Mitt Romney, per the above tweet, asserted that one need only have balls the size of Jimmy Carter’s as a prerequisite for wanting to kill Osama bin Laden. Ha ha, zing! Good one, old boy. Rebuttal, Barack Obama? “As far as my personal role and what other folks [Ed note: He means Romney] would do, I’d just recommend that everybody take a look at people’s previous statements in terms of whether they thought it was appropriate to go into Pakistan and take out bin Laden,” he said. What fun, having arguments over hypothetical tactical decisions about an event that has already taken place. More presidential testicle-size math word problems, please! Read more on Romney, Obama Arguing Over Who’d Have Murdered Bin Laden Harder…
  pretty cool access there bro

Brian Williams Wins Shark-Jumping Award For Osama Death Anniversary Celebrations

Okay, just because we don’t think there’s anything wrong with Barack Obama using Osama’s killing to his political advantage doesn’t mean that it can’t get really fucking annoying after a while — welcome to uncreative Democratic campaigns! — or that pillars of the media establishment wouldn’t be whores by playing along with it completely. And look at what’s just arrived in ye olde Wonkette inbox, from the NBC PR folks: Read more on Brian Williams Wins Shark-Jumping Award For Osama Death Anniversary Celebrations…
  we don't need another hero

DC To Take Rare Evening To Honor Unsung Heroes

Have you heard?! Some pretty important folks in Washington, DC, will take a rare evening off from schmoozing each other and holding up the bar with the Ol’ Wet One, John Boehner, and instead will spend their time looking over each other’s shoulders to try and spot “Hollywood” people like Lindsay Lohan and the scary mob mom battleax from Real Housewives of New Jersey! This is an event those “in the know!” call the White House Club of America Gala and everyone loves it forever! It doesn’t often make any news as such per se and so forth, except for a little bit last year we guess maybe when it turned out President Smoove could take a chunk out of Donald Trump and Osama Bin Laden at the exact same time! Donald Trump was SO MAD you guys! And Osama Bin Laden was SO DEAD! Read more on DC To Take Rare Evening To Honor Unsung Heroes…
  chilling narratives

Latest Obama Web Ad: Bill Clinton Rambles For 90 Seconds

How does Bill Clinton always finagle his way into everything? Here’s an ad for the Barack Obama Presidential Campaign in which we find… Bill Clinton babbling for 90 seconds. Sure, why not. He’s like “Yep’m indeedy, Obama sure killed that Osama feller alright. Would Mitt Romney have done that? Ehh maybe.” Silly Bill Clinton. Don’t you know that Obama and his surrogates are not allowed to mention this popular thing he did in his bid for reelection? Read more on Latest Obama Web Ad: Bill Clinton Rambles For 90 Seconds…
  how uncouth

Scandal: Obama Campaign Mentioning Osama’s Death To Help Win Reelection

A CBS radio reporter sent White House press secretary Jay Carney, along with President Obama and Vice President Biden, to detention today. It’s called accountability, folks. Their crime: Mentioning the death of Osama bin Laden in speeches so often that it’s beginning to look like they’re using this for what experts call “political advantage.” If true, this would be… illegal… bad… something else… huh? Read more on Scandal: Obama Campaign Mentioning Osama’s Death To Help Win Reelection…
  we call them 'lewinsky's

Bin Laden’s Plot to Assassinate Obama: Not Close, No Cigar

Poor Osama Bin Laden. All he wanted was endless jihad and to assassinate his fellow terrorist Muslim Mr. B. Hussein Obama, and what did he get? Not another day older, for one. (You know the rest.) Anyhoo, looks like we know who won that dick-measuring contest. What do you think his “plot” consisted of? An exploding cigar? (Yes, it was an exploding cigar.) Sending Random Task to throw a shoe? Shooting down his Air Force One even though Bin Laden and his hilarious company of bumbling misfits do not apparently have any “weapons” capable of doing such a thing? Hint, it was that last one, even though they really should have gone with the cigar. Some things are just classic for a reason! But wait! There is more, and that is that Osama bin Laden LIBELED our own Handsome Old Joe Biden. SOMEONE GONNA PAY. Read more on Bin Laden’s Plot to Assassinate Obama: Not Close, No Cigar…
  meh

Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden

With liberal amounts of Paris Hilton SexTape Night Vision, slo-mo closeups of the same three War Room pictures we have seen four million times, and a voiceover that specifically lauds President Obama’s bravery in flying to Pakistan and karate-chopping Osama Bin Laden in the face, the trailer for a new documentary on Obama’s first term succeeds in making him out to be as narcissistic and credit-hogging as the right has ever claimed. Heckuva job, Academy Award-winning director Davis Guggenheim! How could we make it better? Find out after the jump! Read more on Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden…
  jesusween

Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives

Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate — so we are here to help. For example, here’s a super easy “Sexy Newt Gingrich Behind the Zoo” costume you can put together with a real-hair Newt Gingrich full-head mask from the surgery supply store and a bunch of stuffed animals you can easily find behind any hospital. Read more on Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives…
  A truthful xplanation but you know what? Eye got another conspiracy

Did Prince Do 9/11?

According to the people speaking Elvish in this European television broadcast, shocking audio from a Prince concert in 1998 proves the Minneapolis badass knew years in advance that Osama bin Laden would “bomb” (hip hop for “use passenger jets as missiles”) the United States in 2001. Why won’t the Tea Party distance itself from Prince? Read more on Did Prince Do 9/11?…
  loserland

Happy 9/11 Forever! Sad Cartoon Movie Shows How Osama Totally Won

Gah, is it time to drink yet? Yes, it is! ALSO: If a fucktard security guard gives you any guff at all, about anything, tell him to suck your koch and walk away. Why the fuck people think they need to pay any attention to rent-a-cops is an enduring mystery in Chickenshit America. [America’s War Within] Read more on Happy 9/11 Forever! Sad Cartoon Movie Shows How Osama Totally Won…
  terrorist invasions

Boise, Idaho Hosts 9/11 Conspiracy Concert On 9/11 Anniversary

Before Barry forced him to walk the plank with an iPod full of Bruce Springsteen super glued to his ears, Osama bin Laden was pretty excited to delay an Amtrak train or something, on 9/11/11. But Osama bin Laden is dead now, or so we have been led to believe, so why is he still allowed to plan terrorist attacks? This is what he has been doing, according to some theater in Boise, Idaho, which has dared to break terrorist tradition by advertising an attack before it is scheduled to occur. Apparently, Boise is going to celebrate the 10th anniversary of 9/11 with something called “EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY.” Did someone forget to tell Boise that nothing is supposed to happen in the sky, on 9/11? Or is this just something unrelated that has been blown out of proportion by an idiot with a cell phone camera? Read more on Boise, Idaho Hosts 9/11 Conspiracy Concert On 9/11 Anniversary…
  why so serious?

Peter King Does Not Like What He Read In Maureen Dowd’s Intelligence Report

It was a foregone conclusion that a) Hollywood was going to make one of these pro-endless war propaganda films about the bin Laden raid; b) the movie will have some nice things to say about Barack Obama; c) some Republican somewhere would complain about this. Enter GOP Rep. Peter King, who is freaked out because he heard that the White House is shipping Xerox copies of all its national security secrets to Hollywood, to make sure the filmmakers can make the story as accurate as possible because that’s what Hollywood always does. What’s your source for that shocking reportage, Rep. King? Oh, Maureen Dowd? Yes, Maureen Dowd. Here is another sentence from that same column that is scaring Peter King: “Barack Obama blazed like Luke Skywalker in 2008, but he never learned to channel the Force. And now the Tea Party has run off with his light saber.” Is it possible that this information is mostly a product of Maureen Dowd’s latest fever dream breakup with her sissy on-and-off again boyfriend, Barack Obama? Read more on Peter King Does Not Like What He Read In Maureen Dowd’s Intelligence Report…
  everybody hates america

Pakistan Super PO’d About America Killing Pakistan’s Favorite Guy, Osama

What are America’s allies up to, these days? Oh, just jailing the CIA people who targeted Osama bin Laden in his fancy Pakistan suburban castle. China reads the White House gmail, British prime minister David Cameron mocks our wonderful health care system that’s available only to people with lots of money, and now Pakistan is just cold arresting people for squealing on Bin Laden. It’s almost like the whole world is laughing at America, nonstop. Read more on Pakistan Super PO’d About America Killing Pakistan’s Favorite Guy, Osama…
  the ocean floor is socialist

Deathers Will Search Arabian Sea For Osama Body, To Prove It Is Not There

Ocean treasure hunter Bill Warren does not trust sketchy terrorist lover Nobama to admit on his own that Osama bin Laden is not dead, so Warren will go visit the North Arabian Sea to search for Osama’s body, to prove once and for all it does not exist. Warren will even take a documentary crew with him, to help declare the ocean Osama-free with hours of footage of nothing. The North Arabian Sea floor is your new Hawaii Department of Health: RELEASE THE CERTIFICATE BODY. Why is the ocean protecting Obama? Read more on Deathers Will Search Arabian Sea For Osama Body, To Prove It Is Not There…
  wingnuts are furious about ...

Arkansas Kids Name Bush & Cheney Worst People Ever, In School Yearbook

School kids in the tiny Arkansas town of Russellville actually managed to learn something during their years of below-par public education. They learned, for example, that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are two of history’s worst people. This is something a lot of adults haven’t even learned yet, in America. (It’s well known in all the smart countries around the world.) So the kids decided to list the worst five people in their school yearbook, so when they sit in the smoking ruins of America a decade or two from now, they can remember. But the Arkansas grownups are mighty upset! How dare these smarty jones kids list Bush and Cheney alongside these other people, whoever they are! Read more on Arkansas Kids Name Bush & Cheney Worst People Ever, In School Yearbook…
  war all the time

IMF Guy Quits IMF, Bin Laden Quits Al Qaeda, Planets Quit Solar Systems

The main political news in the world right now is that allegedly rape-y IMF Frenchman, because he resigned his job as chief of the International Monetary Fund. Surprising, too, because most people just figured he would run the IMF from prison. (This is how it works at the World Bank.) Also, and just like Tupac, Osama bin Laden is still releasing new tracks. His latest dropped via cassette tape or something, totally old school. In this statement, Osama says he is so keyed up about the Arab Spring peaceful demonstrations that he’s wondering if the whole violent Al Qaeda terrorist thing is even relevant anymore. So, good for Osama! Everybody should get a chance to repent before they’re executed by U.S. Navy Seals in a Pakistan suburb. Also: There are giant sunless planets just cold floating around our galaxy, billions of them. Billions of stray planets floating around, without a star to warm their native space monster populations. And these planets are all going to smash into the Earth, on Saturday. Read more on IMF Guy Quits IMF, Bin Laden Quits Al Qaeda, Planets Quit Solar Systems…