Tag Archives: osama bin laden

  Trigger warning for GWB

George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really.

Fuck this guy
Ever since leaving the White House, the worst president in America’s history has mostly kept his stumbling idiot wordhole shut, because he is a man of integrity, and he would never stoop so low as to criticize President Obama, as he explained in 2009: Read more on George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really….
  Why won't Obama lead us into war?

Sen. Tom Cotton Would Like Some Iran War, Like Bill Clinton Did

Stop being a wimp and get your war on
Republican Hero Sen. Tom Cotton, America’s greatest constitutional expert since Jesus wrote the document himself, has already taught us everything we need to know about the president’s authority To Do Stuff, which is zero. He can’t just go around making deals with other countries, DUH. However, when it comes to bombing them, especially Iran? That’s the president’s number one job. There’s even a song about it! Really, what is the hold up, Obummer? Especially because it would so easy: Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Would Like Some Iran War, Like Bill Clinton Did…
  Accurate reporting is a liberal conspiracy!

Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let James O’Keefe Sue For Libel Just Because He Wasn’t Libeled, Unfair!

Behind that mask is a very sad face.
Rightwing dildo-lube-boat-enthusiast James O’Keefe is being oppressed again by activist judges and the mean liberal media. An obviously terrible judge has struck down his libel case arising from his infamous (failed) attempt to pretend to be a phone company worker for the purposes of sneaking into then-Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu’s office so O’Keefe could, we don’t know … bug it? Mess with her phone lines? Kidnap the senator and take her on a dildo lube boat ride to hell? You never know with “journalists” like O’Keefe! Whatever it was, O’Keefe and his rarely sexed pals were charged with tampering with phone lines, and they pleaded out on a lesser misdemeanor charge of simply trying to get into a federal facility using the age-old tactic of lying. Read more on Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let James O’Keefe Sue For Libel Just Because He Wasn’t Libeled, Unfair!…
  Get [REDACTED]!

CIA Lady Was Worst Spy Ever, Got Promoted To King Of Torture

Not that the CIA was as competent about these guys
Just when we’d thought we’d heard all the worst from the Senate’s report on the CIA’s torture program, along comes even more. Not only did the CIA do some pretty horrific stuff that violated the law without gaining any significant intelligence, it also turns out that one of the key players in the program appears to have been stunningly bad at her job — and kept getting promoted. In fact, it appears that her dismal performance was one reason for the CIA’s refusal to allow the Intelligence Committee report to identify people by pseudonym: It would have made it too easy to recognize that one top official had screwed up again and again. Read more on CIA Lady Was Worst Spy Ever, Got Promoted To King Of Torture…
  Senator Wingnut

John McCain Hearts James O’Keefe, Osama Bin Laden

douche
On Wednesday, the Senate’s Homeland Security Committee held hearings about possible terrorist infiltration of the nation’s southern border. This gave lifelike waxworks statue Sen. John McCain (R-Dang Fence) a chance to cite the spectacular work of “journalist” James O’Keefe in exposing the lack of security along a drainage ditch somewhere in the ass end of Texas. Or, as that area is known to everyone else, Texas. Read more on John McCain Hearts James O’Keefe, Osama Bin Laden…
  Thanks Nobama

James O’Keefe Takes Al-Qaeda Cosplay Fantasies To Mexico Border To Prove Something, We Guess

douche
Since last week we had been hearing rumblings on the Internet that smirking dildo boat enthusiast James O’Keefe III had a new video that would SHOCK EVERYONE and CHANGE THE GAME (mostly we were hearing this from O’Keefe’s Twitter feed, but we’re suckers for hype). Just yesterday Gavin McInnes, who is literally a bag of farts, promised us that he was “not exaggerating” when he said the new video “might be the most embarrassing thing to happen on Obama’s watch.” More embarrassing than the IRS or Fast & Furious or all the czars or losing Iraq or BENGHAAAAAAZI? We’ll be the judge of that! Read more on James O’Keefe Takes Al-Qaeda Cosplay Fantasies To Mexico Border To Prove Something, We Guess…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  Shut Your Eyes Marion

Melt Bin Laden’s Face Off With This Awesome Doll The CIA Didn’t Make!

When we were but a young Wonket, we loved our G.I. Joe’s. Pew, pew, pew!, we said to our Joes, along with eeeeeOOOWWW! and sch-BOOOM! when appropriate. Back then, we had to use Cobra Commander as the fill-in for all of America’s enemies, but had we been born a decade later, and had the CIA followed through on this one unbelievably stupid plan, we might have been able to inject some verisimilitude into our cookie-strewn battlescapes. Hey, WaPo! Tell us about it, stud! Beginning in about 2005, the CIA began secretly developing a custom-made Osama bin Laden action figure, according to people familiar with the project. The faces of the figures were painted with a heat-dissolving material, designed to peel off and reveal a red-faced bin Laden who looked like a demon, with piercing green eyes and black facial markings. The goal of the short-lived project was simple: spook children and their parents, causing them to turn away from the actual bin Laden. We have to say, having a doll with a face that melts like a Nazi’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark would probably make your house the envy of all the other impoverished children in your neighborhood, while also making your parents hate you for getting that melted face gunk out of whatever you dripped it on. But still, SO COOL, right impressionable South Asian children? Read more on Melt Bin Laden’s Face Off With This Awesome Doll The CIA Didn’t Make!…
  baby's first propoganda

Tea Party Coloring Books Help You Start ‘Em Young

Do you possess a small child? Do you wish your small child would color things to develop hand-eye coordination and patience or whatever it is that kids are supposed to learn from coloring? So maybe you’ll buy the little tot that brain coloring book or a Barbie book or something. Unless you’re a weird demagogue of a parent, in which case you’ll buy little Johnnie or Joanie the Tea Party Coloring Book, because it is never too young to start indoctrinating. And if Wayne Bell, the publisher of these childhood classics, has his way, you’ll soon have your schools ramming this down kids throats as well. Read more on Tea Party Coloring Books Help You Start ‘Em Young…
  nobody got executed at least

Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner

You may have noticed that we did not livebloog the White House Correspondents Dinner last night, because we were already well into an ether and risotto binge, and also it is not terribly funny, except in years when the President is making fun of Donald Trump while knowing that he is about to personally kill bin Laden. On the other hand, we also would never say no to a naked bid for web traffic, so here are some clips! First off, here is an actually funny thing, mostly, with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Old Handsome Joe Biden and OHJB’s actual-maybe brand-new Corvette Stingray. We liked Julia’s Kevin Spacey bit. After the jump, clips of Barry Bamz making with the carefully vetted funny, and Community Star Joel McHale maybe bombing, at least that’s what we heard after we got most of the risotto out of our pants. Read more on Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner…
  you know how bad girls get

Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture

Former CIA Director Michael Hayden said on Fox News Sunday, on Fox News, on Sunday, that in advocating the public release of the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on torture, Sen. Dianne Feinstein may have been too “emotional,” and maybe even hysterical, because who knows with ladies, right? Sometimes they just fly off the handle instead of being logical and dispassionate about a topic like torturing human beings. Read more on Big Manly Former CIA Chief Mansplains: Sen. Dianne Feinstein Too ‘Emotional’ About Torture…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Tries To Distract Us From All These Obama Distractions Fox News Is Yelling About

Forget comedy; Jon Stewart is quite simply one of our best media critics, a Marshal McLuhan for stoned millennials. On Tuesday’s Daily Show, he treated us to his analysis of the pre-Super Bowl interview in which “the most powerful man in the Free World sat down with Obama” for a visit to the “Fox scandal grab bag.” Read more on Jon Stewart Tries To Distract Us From All These Obama Distractions Fox News Is Yelling About…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, that weekly big ball of wadded-up idiocy from our inbox that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite merit a full-length Wonket post. Up first, a quick visit to that land of fiscal restraint, North Carolina, where Gov. Pat McCrory presided over a 2013 legislative session that raised taxes on the poor and cut them on the rich, resulting in a projected $2 billion cut in state revenues over the next five years. The revenue loss will require huge cuts for social programs and public schools — after all, what can go wrong when you slash school budgets, anyway? — but times are hard, and you gotta be careful not to waste the taxpayers’ money. Which is why it only makes sense that Gov. McCrory is going to spend $230,000 on “remodeling bathrooms in his private living quarters at North Carolina’s Executive Mansion.” Sound like they’ll be really nice once the work is done: Planned upgrades include new marble, tubs and fixtures for six bathrooms on the upper floors of the Victorian-era home in Raleigh. We aren’t sure we can be too angry about this, though, since the last time the bathrooms in the Governor’s Mansion were refurbished was in the 1970’s. Gov. McCrory shouldn’t have to deal with all those fixtures in Avocado and Harvest Gold. Besides, there’s probably some extra costs involved in making sure the bathrooms aren’t compliant with Sharia law. You can’t be too careful about these things. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies…
  Selective never forgetting

Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)

What is it we’re supposed to never forget again? George W. Bush, August 6, 2001: Bush listened to the briefing [Bin Laden determined to strike in US], Suskind says, then told the CIA briefer: “All right. You’ve covered your ass, now.” George W. Bush, March 13, 2002: Read more on Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)…
  we give up

Why Is Michelle Obama Visiting Bin Laden’s Son In The Hospital After He Did The Boston Bombings?

So it turns out, via tipster “Michael,” who would like Wonket to investigate before we get 9/11ed again, that the SAUDI NATIONAL (who has already been cleared of the Boston Bombings but only because the FBI IS IN ON IT) is actually Osama Bin Laden’s son, Hamza, and Michelle Obama visited him in the hospital after he did the Boston Bombings, because she loves jihad. Read more on Why Is Michelle Obama Visiting Bin Laden’s Son In The Hospital After He Did The Boston Bombings?…
  the war on the war on terror

A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention

The New York Times posted an op-ed online Sunday night that’s jarring not only because of its content but because of its very existence: It’s a column from a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay that explains how degrading and painful it is to be force fed while trying to hold a hunger strike to protest his eternal imprisonment for not doing a bad thing, whatever the bad thing was, because he has never been charged with anything. When Alice Paul does it in Occoquan, we give her a halo and put her in a Hilary Swank movie. When scary Muslim strangers do it, we say, “Welp, his fault for looking like a terrorist.” And by “we” your Wonkette means the fart goblins who have taken to the New York Times comment section on the column to whine about how this man deserves to rot forever, for the crime of being sent to Guantanamo Bay. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of NYT Commenters Who Love Eternal Detention…
  Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

Rep. Peter King Leaks Government Secrets To Threaten National Security Some More

If there’s one thing New York Rep. Peter King (R-OF COURSE) hates — besides Muslims, obviously — it’s people who leak classified information because they hate America. (Why else would they leak classified information, right?) Leaking government secrets is like an “invitation to murder” basically, according to Peter King. Like that one time there were leaks about the raid that killed Osama bin Laden because President Obama sucks or something? He especially hated that: Read more on Rep. Peter King Leaks Government Secrets To Threaten National Security Some More…
  takers

Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance

Join the armed forces you guys! We cannot stop counting the perks! You’ll maybe get to travel to foreign and exotic places, shoot Bin Laden in the face and kill him, and then come home a hero! Movies will be made about you, people will sing your praises, the world will be your oyster! Until you decide you want to retire, and then things may not go so great! This is how things have turned out for the guy who shot Osama bin Laden in the face — literally, the exact guy on SEAL Team 6 who shot Bin Laden in the face. He has decided to retire and can’t find a job and thought he didn’t have access to health care (only to find out later that he has health care for five years and his family isn’t covered). According to a profile on Esquire that is so amazing you should have read it yesterday: But the Shooter will discover soon enough that when he leaves after sixteen years in the Navy, his body filled with scar tissue, arthritis, tendonitis, eye damage, and blown disks, here is what he gets from his employer and a grateful nation: Nothing. No pension, no health care, and no protection for himself or his family. Read more on Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance…
  fact-checkers gone wild

Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead

Everybody’s boo-hooing about the fact-check craze sweeping the nation, whether it’s sane, reasonable people laughing at AP’s ridiculose “fact check” that stated Bill Clinton was wrong to point out a Romney welfare ad lie, because Clinton once lied about all the intern snatch he was pulling, or the goons of Red State telling their minions that if they quote a fact checker, they will be banned. BANNED! And they don’t even have to threaten a skullfuck or call something tarded to earn that distinct honor! But someone has managed to scale the heights of fact-check crazy, and that person, obviously, is Ghost Andrew Breitbart, with his counterintuitive fact-check claiming that despite Joe Biden’s bumper sticker-ready slogan, and all evidence to the contrary, Osama Bin Laden is not in fact dead, and General Motors is not in fact alive! That, as someone recently lied because he got poontang once, takes some brass! Read more on Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead…