Tag Archives: oregon

  rain-soaked nice time

Oregon Catches Up With Progressive Trendsetters Idaho & Arkansas, Legalizes Gay Marriage

Another day, another state gets gay marriage. This time, it’s Oregon, where U.S. District Judge Michael McShane overturned the state’s law against same-sex marriage, ruling it unconstitutional. McShane ordered the ruling go into effect immediately, and the first ceremonies have already taken place. And unlike in several other states in marriage equality cases, Oregon state officials will not appeal the decision — state Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum announced in February that there was “no rational basis” to defend the 2004 anti-gay-marriage law. Read more on Oregon Catches Up With Progressive Trendsetters Idaho & Arkansas, Legalizes Gay Marriage…
  who are you? who-who-who-who?

Mean Oregon Reporters Don’t Know Their Place, Fail To Treat Joke Candidate Seriously Enough

We don’t have a single problem at all with the conduct of the reporters at this endorsement meeting held by the Willamette Week. They asked the candidates running for the Republican Senate nomination to attend a group interview; about an hour in, one of the candidates, Joe Rae Perkins, was giving a very long answer over a phone line, and reporter Nigel Jaquiss apparently was tired of it — he started writing “blah blah blah blah” in his notebook. Another candidate, Mark Callahan, saw this, and decided to be chivalrous, standing up for Perkins and her constitutional right to have every single word carefully transcribed by each reporter in the room, which is what the First Amendment is all about, after all. It’s right in there next to the part about how no one on TV can lose their job just for expressing their personal opinion. Read more on Mean Oregon Reporters Don’t Know Their Place, Fail To Treat Joke Candidate Seriously Enough…
  clipbait

John Oliver’s New HBO Show Punches Hippies, Hipsters, Obamacare (Video)

John Oliver’s new HBO show, Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, premiered Sunday on that premium channel that we don’t subscribe to, and here is a clip from it! We are rather inclined to love Mr. Oliver, and here he is in fine form with a rant about Oregon’s completely broken ACA website, which the state finally euthanized last week. As part of the $250 million the state sank into a website that enrolled nobody on the exchange, there was some $3 million for advertisements, some of which were, as Oliver accurately describes them, “violently adorable.” Read more on John Oliver’s New HBO Show Punches Hippies, Hipsters, Obamacare (Video)…
  electricity is the debbil!

Dear Oregon, Please Stop Burning Aborted Babbies To Generate Your Communist Electricity

What has the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft, got for us today? Besides all the other things he has for us today? WHAT DOESN’T HE HAVE! (Besides our $3150. #paythefuckup.) Take, for instance, this masterpiece, “SHOCK REPORT: Oregon Energy Plant Burns Aborted Babies to Generate Electricity,” in which a bunch of communists are going around burning aborted babies to generate electricity, just like the headline says! Read more on Dear Oregon, Please Stop Burning Aborted Babbies To Generate Your Communist Electricity…
  news aggre-gator

It’s Another Oregon Meth-Bust Alligator Story!

What is it about Drugs-N-Gators? What compels so many people with drugs to also have a member of Alligator mississipiensis on hand? Is it because gators are tough? Or useful in protecting one’s stash, as in the classic example of the drug gator genre? Or are there just more people with drugs and people with alligators than we had currently given any thought to, and so it shouldn’t be surprising when the two sets intersect? It is a mystery, and while we’re not all that surprised by weird alligator stories from Florida, it seems there’s no shortage of alligators in the Pacific Northwest, at least among the criminal set. Which brings us to this headline from our local CBS affiliate: Sheriff: 8 arrested with guns, drugs and an alligator. Admittedly, it’s no “Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar,” which is why it doesn’t get the Gnome Vomiting Rainbows pic. But ’tis enough, ’twill serve. Read more on It’s Another Oregon Meth-Bust Alligator Story!…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches.

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a wire brush to our open browser tabs and bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own. We recommend washing it all down with a big swig of the reality-diluter of your choice. Read more on Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches….
  abraham martin and charleton heston

Brave Oregon GOP Heroes Firehosed Out Of Venue Just For Raffling Off Rifle In Honor Of MLK

Well, it pretty much stands to reason that if Ted Nugent is Rosa Parks and the sacred fight against all gun control is the new civil rights movement, then the Multnomah Republican Party should celebrate Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln by raffling off an AR-15 rifle (or a handgun of the winner’s choice) at their February 15 Lincoln Day Dinner. (Awful though the ad up top is, we do want to point out that it was not used for the raffle — that’s just random race-baiting argybargy from gun fondlers.) For some reason, a lot of people found the announcement of the raffle and fundraising dinner — with its line about honoring “two great Republicans” — to be lacking in taste somehow, despite the documented fact that both King and Lincoln gave their lives in the struggle to ensure that no one at a gun show ever face a background check or a limit on the size of their ammunition magazine. After learning that The Internet Was Not Pleased, the Greek Orthodox church where the dinner was going to be held withdrew permission for the dinner to be held. So, hey, it’s a kinda-sorta partial victory, although the GOP group will go ahead with the dinner and raffle at a new location. It would appear the moral arc of the universe continues to bend toward douchebaggery. Read more on Brave Oregon GOP Heroes Firehosed Out Of Venue Just For Raffling Off Rifle In Honor Of MLK…
  trailer park superhero: the methturbator

Oregon Meth Binge Generates 2013’s Greatest Headline

We didn’t think that any story could possibly top the November 2012 headline from Scott Lake, Washington: Two Alligators, A Pole Dancer And Pot At Olympia Area Shooting Scene. And yet we knew it was at least theoretically possible, however unlikely. And now, dear readers, we may finally have a winner — we’ll let you decide. From aggregation site PoliceOne.com, we present the new challenger: Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar. Whaddya think, sirs and mesdames? Read more on Oregon Meth Binge Generates 2013’s Greatest Headline…
  Bigots Being Bigots Because Bigots

Oregon Bigots Would Like Special License To Hate Gays Even If It Is Illegal To Do That Because Freedom

Exactly how big an asshole do you need to be to care who eats your five-tiered sponge-flavored diabetes-frosted wedding cake? This big: [T]he Oregon Family Council has filed its own initiative that would allow for discrimination against same-sex couples even if marriage equality passes. The proposed Protect Religious Freedom Initiative would create a “right to discriminate” for any business that normally works with weddings. Were it to pass, florists, bakers, photographers, and other wedding professionals could simply refuse to serve same-sex couples without being in violation of the state’s public accommodation nondiscrimination protections. So in other words, they would like a special law that says they do not have to follow the law because they think that well, they just shouldn’t. Freedom and stuff. That is not how the law works, dummies. We checked How The Law Works For Dummies What Are Especially Dumb. Read more on Oregon Bigots Would Like Special License To Hate Gays Even If It Is Illegal To Do That Because Freedom…
  glass half full of nice time

Oregon Obamacare Communists Cut Number Of Uninsured By 10% In Two Weeks, Probably With Death Panels

The hippies running the Oregon Health Plan have enrolled 56,000 new people under the state’s expansion of Medicaid, even before the state’s insurance exchange — which has been delayed by technical glitches — is up and running. Is it a much-sought-after Obamacare success story? The low-income program has cut the number of uninsured Oregon residents by 10% in its first two weeks, using a fast-track enrollment system that the state designed, or by murdering them, one or the other, there is simply no way to ever know. Read more on Oregon Obamacare Communists Cut Number Of Uninsured By 10% In Two Weeks, Probably With Death Panels…
  first they came for the celebrities...

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Leave Bristol Alooooooone

There are some days when Yr Wonkette is very glad that we do not allow comments. Because if we did, we might find ourselves with bucketloads of comments like these, from “Livefree601″ on the topic of Bristol Palin, teen mom and Planned-Parenthood Dismantler: She’s literally the most amazing and strongest woman out there. Who else could remain that strong in the face of haters and slanderers? AND she’s still the fully devoted mommy to the most blessed little boy And this: She’s literally the strongest person out there and the most loving mommy. Such a lucky little boy. Motherhood suits her. And at the end of the day, she’s not fake and doesn’t act like life is perfect. And nine or ten more. Literally. They aren’t all like that, but it’s just hard to get past how sad it is that somebody out there has decided that their hero is Bristol Palin. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Leave Bristol Alooooooone…
  stop feeling good about healthcare!

We Are In Dirty Hippie Love With This Oregon Health Exchange Ad

Butthurt Alert/Drudge Sirens! A number of rightwing sites are outraged, Outraged! at this “acid trip Obamacare ad” that “costs taxpayers $3.2 million” — a figure that appears to include not only the production costs, but also the cost of buying ad time and other PSA’s, not that the angerbears at Americans for Tax Reform bother with that distinction. We especially like the complaint at Hot Air, which says the ad features a “retro hipstery busker flying over the Orwellian rainbows of Portland.” Rainbows are Orwellian now? Read more on We Are In Dirty Hippie Love With This Oregon Health Exchange Ad…
  eating was fun while it lasted

Kansas GOP Jealous Of Congress Hogging All The Ways To Shame Poor Hungry People

You know what’s bringing this country down? Not big money in politics, not gerrymandering Congressional districts to create 832 safe seats, and not even bakeries shutting down because they can’t be bigots. No, those are all peripheral issues — the real problem in America is the poors. Seriously, it’s sickening how poor people are just so… poor. They live in ramshackle houses, drive old cars, and don’t even have the decency to wear tailored suits! Seriously, just get some money and stop whining about being poor already, k? Such downers. If there is anything the GOP has taught us, its that the best way to deal with poors is the same way you deal with uppity womyn who want nonsense like equality and non-rapey militaries: shame the lot of them until they go away or die. Well, Kansas is stepping up to the (empty) plate, per HuffPo: Thousands of Kansans could lose food stamps under a new state policy that congressional Republicans hope to implement nationwide. Oh,  joy. A pilot project! Read more on Kansas GOP Jealous Of Congress Hogging All The Ways To Shame Poor Hungry People…
  sisks to be you

Sure, Might As Well Give Two U.S. Senators To Northern California County Too

The Siskiyou County Board of Supervisors voted 4-1 Tuesday to secede from California and to form a new state that would be called “Jefferson.” This is totally a thing that is going to happen, just like “Northern Colorado,” because Freedom and also tyrannical liberal elites in Sacramento and SoCal, and once they get some other counties in NorCal and Oregon to join them, there will be a Liberty Jubilee and maybe a hoedown, too. The Eureka Times-Standard reports, More than 100 people packed the supervisors’ chambers Tuesday for the discussion on whether the county should issue a declaration that it wants to secede from the state. Nearly all those in attendance appeared to be for the move and about a dozen spoke in support of it. “Many proposed laws are unconstitutional and deny us our God-given rights,” said Gabe Garrison of Happy Camp. “We need our own state so we can make laws that fit our way of life.” We would suggest that the first item on the agenda be a name change for that town, amirite? Read more on Sure, Might As Well Give Two U.S. Senators To Northern California County Too…
  they will know we are christians by our hate

Bigoted Bakery Goes Buh-Bye

It’s a bad day for bigots out there today. We are having a super-duper SAD because Sweet Cakes by Melissa is closing its doors, according to KOIN.com. You don’t remember them? They are one of the bakeries that is being persecuted because they didn’t want to make wedding cakes for fags, lesbos, queers, and other abominable people, because JESUS. Rather than continuing to fight for their right to party discriminate, they are shutting their doors. Yr Wonket even highlighted them in our post-DOMA story about Tony Perkins being a terrible person. Well, our advocacy/snark campaign worked, so we would like to claim ALL THE CREDIT for ridding Gresham, Ore., of this establishment. You’re welcome.  Read more on Bigoted Bakery Goes Buh-Bye…
  the usual suspects

Oregon War Memorial Explosion Has To Be Atheist Terrorism, Because Duh, Atheists

A Vietnam war memorial in a park in Coos Bay, Oregon, was the target of a small explosion last Thursday; while police have not made any arrests or identified any suspects, the forensic scientists at Gateway Pundit have decided that the bombing was the work of an “Atheist Group.” Guest blogger* Mara Zebest presents her evidence-free analysis: An atheist group is believed to be behind an IED explosion at a war memorial cross in Coos Bay, Oregon. Coincidentally, the cross has been the recent target of lawsuits from the atheist group, “Freedom From Religion Foundation” (FFRF). If it is proven this group planted an IED, can we officially declare the FFRF group a terrorist organization? Luckily the explosion didn’t kill anyone and damage was minimal charring to the memorial. Read more on Oregon War Memorial Explosion Has To Be Atheist Terrorism, Because Duh, Atheists…
  a medley of extemporanea

In Gift To Headline Writers, Feds Bust Romanian Princess’s Oregon Cockfighting Ring

In a big image boost for the “sport” of cockfighting, the arrest of a Romanian princess in Eastern Oregon now gives lovers of the blood sport the opportunity to call their brutal pastime the sport of kings. (Then again, they already could, since Iowa congressdouche Steve King just loves him some animal cruelty, too.) We don’t think we can top Deadspin’s description of the case, so we’ll just blockquote it instead: HRH Princess Irina, third daughter of the exiled King Michael I, fifth in line to the Romanian throne, has been charged with operating a large cockfighting ring out of her ranch in Eastern Oregon, because living in Eastern Oregon will do that to you. Oh, and Irina’s husband, John Wesley Walker, who was also arrested? Retired sheriff’s deputy from Coos County, Oregon, which is just down the coast from the little nothing town that Yr Doktor Zoom grew up in. The pair are accused of staging at least 10 cockfighting competitions at their ranch near the mellifluously named town of Irrigon, Oregon. Read more on In Gift To Headline Writers, Feds Bust Romanian Princess’s Oregon Cockfighting Ring…
  Nothing A Homemade Bomb Can't Fix

Oregon Man Under Arrest For Taking Typos Rather Too Seriously, Also Terrorism

Oregon van owner Leonard Burdek is a passionate man! For example, he loves his mother tongue so much that he will defend its honor no matter the cost, which in this case was the price of a pressure cooker, maybe some wires, and whatever they do to you in Salem, Oregon, when you’re charged with disorderly conduct… which seems kinda light for a guy who walked into his local Teacher Standards and Practices Commission office with what he claimed was a homemade pressure cooker bomb saying he had planned to blow up their sign because the “d” was missing from the word “and” in the Commission’s name, but the darn bomb didn’t work! And, insult to injury, nor was Burdek too pleased with the misspellings in the bomb-building instructions he downloaded from the internet! Misspellings on the internet?! Free Leonard Burdek, his mission endures! But here’s the REALLY important question: Is Burdek a right-wing or a left-wing terrorist? Read more on Oregon Man Under Arrest For Taking Typos Rather Too Seriously, Also Terrorism…
  who is john galt?

Josephine County, Oregon: Your New Libertarian Paradise!

Move over Galt’s Gulch! Get out of here, Somalia! Josephine County, Oregon, is here to show you how real rugged individualists do: by refusing to vote to raise property taxes, even though the county ain’t got no more police outside of regular business hours, and the sheriff says “every day” someone is the victim of a crime he cain’t stop (because criminals seem to have figured out this whole “business hours” thing), and by the way, if you’re planning on being the victim of a crime, he suggests (very nicely, really!) that you move. Wait, you mean taxes might serve a purpose, like keeping this young lady from getting raped by the same ex-boyfriend who’d recently put her in the hospital, while she waited for the police that couldn’t come, because it was the weekend? Well perhaps she should have taken a little personal responsibility, and not been born a girl, did she ever think of that? Read more on Josephine County, Oregon: Your New Libertarian Paradise!…
  hot teen sluts

Hero Oregon Math Teacher Suspended Just For Telling Students Planned Parenthood Would Turn Them Into Streetwalking Prosties!

Well here is another fine howdeyedo! Bill Diss, a computer and math teacher in Portland, Oregon, has been suspended just because (according to the district) he is unprofessional and intimidating and harassing and told his students they would end up on “82nd Avenue” (WHERE THE WHORES ARE) if they joined the “Let’s Not Get Pregnant After-School Club for Kidz” put on by the Department of Health and Human Services in conjunction with a bunch of baby-murdering pimpers named “Planned” “Parenthood.” But wait! There’s more! Read more on Hero Oregon Math Teacher Suspended Just For Telling Students Planned Parenthood Would Turn Them Into Streetwalking Prosties!…
  it gets batter

Hero Oregon Baker Refuses To Bake Sodomite Wedding Cake, So There

In yet another intersection of baked goods and culture-war politics, a Portland-area baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple is now the focus of protests by supporters of gay marriage, increased patronage from opponents of gay marriage, and an investigation by the state’s attorney general’s office, since Oregon prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation. Forecasters predict periodic rage and scattered self-righteous snits, although it is uncertain whether conditions are right for the development of a full-blown shitstorm. Read more on Hero Oregon Baker Refuses To Bake Sodomite Wedding Cake, So There…