How drunk are you people yet? Joe the Plumber is going to be elected President of America, because he has suffered so greatly for all of us, and gotten all of us drunk by being mentioned fourteen billion times by each presidential candidate so far. Bob Schieffer is being a hardass, oh boy! He even asked about Barack Obama’s terrorist pals, and John McCain said he wouldn’t have had to be so mean to Obama if he’d gone to McCain’s abandoned Bingo halls in Metairie. MORE »

Is this really it? The end of the debates, for this presidential race? It seems like only two years ago that these awful debates began — because that’s how long they’ve been going on, for two years. And now, it comes down to Two Men. One is an increasingly terrifying old lunatic who is probably going to hit the moderator tonight, and blame it on Bill Ayers. Also: Orange Squirrel Furries. This is an official tactic of the RNC today, these Squirrel Furries! The other is … well, we don’t really know anything about him, if he is a “him.” We don’t even know his name, if he has a name. There is literally no way anyone could possibly know anything about this “That One” character, except he is leading by about 107 points tonight, so obviously no matter what he does, we will all nod our heads with dignity and say that he lost. Wait, what? MORE »