Here’s a teevee news report from Rochester, NY about some Popeye’s running out of chicken. Like so much that happens in America, it is both hilarious and tragic. But! The people who are unable to procure their fried chicken, in this video, well they are black, which is a racial issue. And, it turns out, Popeye’s isn’t the only fried-chicken chain having issues related to black people. Is this really the America we expected after Barack Obama’s landslide victory? MORE »

Now that Dick Cheney has been literally wheeled out of Washington on a stretcher, who will we blurrily photograph molesting young maidens in distress? That is a question that only you, the reader, can answer. Send us your sightings/sexy candid camera-phone pics of vaguely famous people misbehaving around town for our famous and sporadically produced feature, “Wonk’d.” A handful of Wonkette readers recently spotted DC celebs in such unlikely places as the gym, and in “makeup trailers” (!). After the jump, sightings of a couple of news people and also a Weeds star and maybe even President Oprah Winfrey herself, eating her feelings at Starbucks later today! MORE »

• Here is accredited sorcerer Nate Silver’s last projection ever. Tomorrow he will have to go back to his Alaska: baseball. [FiveThirtyEight]
• O.P.R.A.H. has already chosen her ceremonial muumuu for Obama’s Eyes Wide Shut-themed inauguration. [Top of the Ticket]
• Obama might want John Kerry to be his French Secretary of State. Old Man Windsurf’s name is reportedly on a “very short list.” [Matthew Yglesias]
• The New York Times‘ fancy Web-Site will finally put to use all those sonnets you wrote about your Muslim Lady Laura. [New York Times]
• Palin, stopping at some Alaskan pet shop called the “Mocha Moose,” told reporters that her only regret this election is “the blogosphere.” [Jonathan Martin]

• A New Mexican jihadist paintball terror squad caused nine-hundred and eleven 9/11s on the Straight Talk Express. [Marc Ambinder]
• Confused ironist Sarah Palin used the secret alias “Tina Fey” to check into a hotel. [Top of the Ticket]
• Palin did this interview called “Question from a Third Grader,” in which she fielded technical, jargon-filled queries like “what does a Vice President do?” from journalistic heavyweight/eight-year-old Brandon Garcia, who’s interviewed every Vice President since Richard Nixon. It was classic Gotcha Journalism, and all Palin could do was talk about how her second husband Piper asks her that all the time and spit out some garbled, half-English nonsense about gettin’ in and helpin’. [Daily Kos]

  [WATCH THIS VIDEO, she will kill us all -- Ed.]

• Her husband’s infinity affairs was just one too many for Mrs. Terry Mahoney, who filed for divorce today. [TPMMuckraker]
• OPRAH, a radical voter fraud advocacy organization, is producing a teevee infomercial for Obama. [NRO The Corner]
• Here are Obama’s and McCain’s videos that will be subliminally advertised in Wal-Marts, to “Wal-Mart Moms,” a nonexistent demographic. Obama talks about the economy, and McCain runs grainy black and white footage of himself being tortured seventysome years ago. [The Caucus]
  

Thanks to her support for Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey is now one of the most reviled women in America. In her presidential endorsement the once-beloved talk show host chose race over gender, thus earning the scorn of millions of old white women who had never before suspected their favorite billionaire media baroness was of the Negro persuasion. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, Oprah’s popularity has eroded considerably. MORE »

*LEAHY WANTS TO FEEL PRETTY ALSO:* Sen. Patrick Leahy, a pretty cool old cracker who heads the Judiciary Committee, will apparently endorse Barry Obama in some 11 a.m. conference call. Should make it an easy cabinet approval process for Barry down the road — Leahy won’t give no guff to Secretary of Defense Oprah or to the Secretary of Oprah, who will also be Oprah. [Politico]

* Heard on the Hill: Airline travel brings out the worst in all of us…”The Devil Wears Prada” comes to Washington by way of Jeri Thompson’s antics…Stephen Colbert WILL get to know your district, unless its one of the 80 he forgot…What would a tour of Minneapolis be without a trip to the now infamous airport bathroom? [Roll Call]
* Yeas and Nays: Connie Lawn wants you to say hello to friendly, gentler motorcades…Supreme Court Justice David Souter never recovered from the recount ruling…Museum takes in former Rep. Earl Hutto lime-green 1979 Oldsmobile…New Zagat guide is out…Ann Coulter is asking for it–a fatwa, that is…Presidential hopefuls find their books going for pennies on Amazon…No widowed Wiccans allowed…Distillers try their hand at George Washington’s whiskey recipe…The U.S. Embassy in Baghdad a fortress of solitude, shopping and cinema. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Hurricane or not, Mitch McConnell enjoyed his time off…Sen Tom Harkin serves it up for ‘08 candidates…A call for resignation has less to do with the severity of the sin and more to do with the party persuasion of the governor. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Bush leaves through the side door…We’re the reason Larry Craig had to resort to an airport bathroom…The Oprah-Obama bash is only days away!…Gossip is a lifelong addiction…Larry Craig: a self-proclaimed romantic. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Idaho men are tough and rugged with their tight jeans and tighter faces. [WP]
* Page Six: omeone’s getting fired at CNN after losing the only copy of Anderson Cooper’s Hurricane Katrina special. [NYP]
* Rush & Molloy: John Edwards does the down-faced dog for Russell Simmons. [NYDN]
* Washington Whispers: “Anything Goes” on the college version of 60 Minutes…Karl Rove finds a new job for the same boss…John Kerry helps out his old friend Leonardo DiCaprio…Bill Richardson won’t give up his SUV, despite his own pleas…Bill Clinton still hiding tapes in his sock drawer…Bush’s cabinet finally gets some pull…House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer goes to the Holy Land, finds the Golden Arches. [USN&WR]

* Rudy for prez: because he will never put a de-clawed ferret into his ass. [Horse's Mouth]
* Hillary changes private jets more often than you change underwear, even has the days sewn in them like you. [NYP]
* “The only thing that can save this country is a military coup.” [NRO]
* Oprah gets on the Barry Hussein train. [Newsmax]
* Military took away the porn and now goes for the blogs. Way fight for fascism, fuckers. [Wired]
* The Speaker of the Palestinian Legislative Council would like to reiterate his point in case anyone is unsure: Death to America. [Jerusalem Post]
* Bill O’Reilly insults someone every 6.8 seconds. [Romenesko]

• In the list of Senators voting for the “torture bill,” one of the kids just doesn’t belong. [Lawyers, Guns, and Money]

• Waterboarding: less similar to wakeboarding than you thought. [David Corn]
• Thinking about Iraq makes Trent Lott’s brain hurt, doesn’t do it much. [Think Progress]
• Weedy Wonka gets busted in Oakland. [Hit & Run]
• Which means seminary students will be forced to actually smoke tobacco out of their “water pipes” this weekend. [Slice of Laodicea]
• Condoleezza Rice wants Oprah to know that only a woman can really satisfy a woman — but if she’s not down then some Canadian dude will do. [Gawker]
• George Allen biographer has hard time admitting she backed the wrong the horse. Garrett Graff nervously shuffles his feet. [Galleycat]

• Oprah’s not running, gives Larry King her “O-face” tonight, wants Obama in ‘08. [The Swamp]

• Pervez “Perv” Musharraf to announce on The Daily Show tonight that’d he’d gladly give up his nuclear arsenal to get in “the sheets with Angelina Jolie.” [The Corsair]
• White House plans to declassify National Intelligence Estimate, but just that part that says, “we’re safer, bitches.” [Shakespeare's Sister]
• George Allen’s two favorite words on display together at the Zoo. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Vote for Montana Senate candidate Jon Tester because he’s a hunka hot man, also because he’s not Conrad Burns. [Boozhy]
• Trendsetter Hugo Chavez inspires Jerry Falwell to return to his roots making sure we all know who the devil really is. [Think Progress]
• The counter-terrorism plan Bill Clinton claims he left in place? It had to be scrapped because the ninja’s inability to get security-clearances after 9/11. [IMAO]
• Bloggers invited to the Coburn-Obama signing! Luckily, not us.[TPMMuckraker]

An Atrios guest-blogger posts something rather insensitive about a 9/11 American Airlines ticket agent killing herself due to guilt. It becomes a minor left-blogdom in-fight (and wins one of Andrew Sullivan’s patented “not funny anymore” awards). The source: an Oprah repeat. The problem: there’s not actually any proof that this ever happened.

Our own half-assed investigation, after the jump.

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