Wonkette

Back in May, the Denver Host Committee announced that the Molson Coors Company would be the “Official E85 Ethanol Producer” for the Democratic convention. Joe Coors must be going ballistic, in Hell. The liberal ethanol in Colorado is made from “waste beer” — you can make “clean-burning ethanol fuel for the fleet of General Motors flex-fuel vehicles to be used for Convention transportation needs” with this “waste beer.” Imagine what the “waste beer” — the stuff that doesn’t meet standards — must taste like at the COORS LIGHT factory. The point is, this rancid beer gas, according to an early Denver operative, is making the cars kill everybody. MORE »

HMM it appears as though greaseball failure Barack Obama is being extra sneaky today in Washington. Several operatives have seen Hussein Obama Jr. inconspicuously wandering about such barren wastelands as “Dupont Circle.” He must be buying drugs from the homosexuals! Or just picking a boring vice president, as per usual. You decide, after the jump. MORE »

• EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS ABOUT RACE: Wonkette boring luncheons operative “Beth” sends us this secret dispatch: “I just got back from a luncheon for Washington Gov. Chris Gregoire, headlined by Michelle Obama. Michelle said that her favorite chocolate in the world is Fran’s Chocolates — she said she and Barack fight over them, and hide them from each other. Then she said, ‘He likes the light chocolate, I prefer the dark chocolate.’ We all laughed, then thought, ‘Wait a minute…’” We assume the long awkward silence broke when some white reporter randomly shouted, “that Christopher Rock is the finest jokesmith I’ve seen — of either race! — since, golly, I don’t know when.”

What dark human vice was engaged herein, June 12, 2008, among Wonketteers and thine ilk? MORE »

If you have ever woken up early, not had your average 8 cups of coffee per hour, drank six beers before 11 a.m. (plus a shot!), stood mercilessly in the summer heat of Washington D.C., gone and had several more beers, and then come home, YOU WOULD HAVE THE WORST HEADACHE IN AMERICAN HISTORY, which is what your Wonkette editor currently has after Paultardpalooza 2k8. Here’s a teaser from Wonkette operative “Melanie,” a D.C. slave intern, but not a member of the venerable “house of six interns” that DID NOT SHOW today. More photos later today, tomorrow and the next day, if this goddamn throbbing sensation in my skull ever disappears. Thanks to the 15-20 amazing humans who showed up early this morning to drink alcohol for free.

Wonkette Bitter operative “Carl” brings us a very important EMERGENCY WONK’D today, in which he spots Barack Obama at Eliot Spitzer’s hooker hotel in Washington D.C. Barry, of course, is in town today to vote in favor of the illegal FISA overhaul. But mostly he is just talking on his cell phone and riding in a foreign terrorism-supporting S.U.V. and ignoring “Carl” and his Bitter friends. Read the account, after the jump. MORE »

Wonkette omen operative “Jacklyn” sends us this photo and writes, “Does anyone know what these paintings are or why they are there? They are painted on streets all around the Mall… 3rd, 4th, and 7th, Streets NW at least.” We have no clue but are willing to conjecture: In ten days, a race of oversized, porous ribbed condoms from Outer Space will destroy this city and rebuild it as five-star day spa. Any other theories?

• WALNUTS!, THE HEATHEN: A Wonkette campaign office operative sends us this startling bit of news: “A coworker of mine was just over at the McCain HQ in Crystal City. Apparently Walnuts is so superstitious he’s had the 13th floor office elevator plates replaced with ‘M’s.” Who knew WALNUTS! was such a pagan witch? We will still vote for him over Sexist Obama, however.

Wonkette Muppet operative “Scott” writes: “Doesn’t Gov. Spitzer resemble the “Ohhhhhh! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrring! YipYipYipYipYipYipYip” alien from Sesame Street?” Scott is 100% true, or at the very least, he is stoned. Spitzer is this stupid Phone Muppet, and you must play this mp3 with it. Only then will you understand why Hillary Clinton is so terrible.

Our Hart Senate Office Building operative writes: “In progress! Code Pinkers and a giant octopus spotted!” The operative has been ordered to send a picture of the giant octopus in question, alive, OR SHE IS FIRED FROM THE INTERNET.

How the hell is Mike Huckabee doing these days? Well, he’s thirsty, and he’s still running for President of Jesus, and to finance both of these things he delivered a paid speech in the Cayman Islands — where the Fat Cats hide their money — this weekend. Wonkette operative “Mikey G.” happened to spot Huckabee at Miami Airport on Sunday, presumably when our heroic candidate was returning from his Island holiday. Huckabee, of course, was very alone, and no one knew who he was. MORE »

Uh oh, it looks like last-minute emcee Chris “Chinese Bus” Matthews had some problems at last night’s Washington Press Club Foundation dinner. He was trying to talk, but everyone kept talking over him. Alas, he now knows what it’s like to be a guest on Hardball. A Wonkette operative tells the story, after the jump! MORE »

While Hillary Clinton’s youth and virility make the college kids swoon during campus visits, grumpy, senile daughter Chelsea Clinton — the oldest person on earth — doesn’t possess her mom’s hippie prowess. We have empirical evidence! A Wonkette “student” operative found Chelsea on the University of Nebraska campus today. “I think she was lost,” the operative — who is a total stitch — says. Check out how she invigorated that very youthful demographic: MORE »

Bangladesh Operative: hey, so the government just turned the internet and cell phones back on after like two days!
Alex: hahahahahaha wow
Op: nobody’s covering the internet being off, you could be the first to break the story….
Alex: haha ok
why did they turn the internet off??
ppl wasting too much time on youtube?
Op: because there’s rioting like everywhere!!
people are pissed!!!
Alex: you guys ok? no cars overturned on you or anything?
Op: no, we went and checked it out yesterday and like all the windows of the shops on our streets were broken, and there was a bonfire going in the road
so we went back inside
Alex: wow MORE »