Tag Archives: op-eds

  gender studies

Ladies Don’t Want To Write Op-Eds Like ‘Ann Coulter Or Wonkette’ Says WaPo Op-Ed Lady (Updated!)

Ahem. We have brought it to our own attention that we are whining about a column that is like seven years old. You know what to do with the rest. Hey mommybloggers! Do you ever wonder why more XX-Americans aren’t writing more op-eds in the nation’s “news-papers”? Well, a nice op-ed lady at the Washington Post has broken it down for you: it is because even though they ask ladies all the time to write op-eds for them, the ladies are like “I want to make sure I have enough time to craft something thoughtful that is not not bullshit,” or “I am too busy doing three jobs so I can earn the same as my husband, why don’t you ask him?” but men are like “fuck yeh, I have 20 minutes in between squash games, I can shit out some ill-thought nonsense for you right away!” Why, asks Zofia Smardz, won’t women shit out ill-thought nonsense in 20 minutes so she can fill her section with the level of Thought and Discourse we have come to expect? Then she compares Ann Coulter and Wonkette. Read more on Ladies Don’t Want To Write Op-Eds Like ‘Ann Coulter Or Wonkette’ Says WaPo Op-Ed Lady (Updated!)…
  great military minds

Mitt Romney Promises Exciting New Endless War With Iran If Elected

Happy Veterans Day, it is now time to reflect on how America needs another insane trillion-dollar war, for Unity probably, and also Fear! (Afghanistan is not doing the trick these days, boo.) Manly man Mitt Romney TO THE RESCUE with his pasty career corporate office-dweller chest puffed out as far as it will go in a huffy new op-ed promising to overturn wimpy loser Barack Obama’s policy of not bombing the shit out of Iran if he is elected. What is the Mittens Plan of Attack? Read more on Mitt Romney Promises Exciting New Endless War With Iran If Elected…
  leading political theorists

Meghan McCain Writes Least Insightful Column About #OWS In History

EVERYONE EXHALE, America’s foremost pillar of Internet opinionation Meghan McCain has finally found time in her manic schedule writing her bi-monthly Daily Beast column to drop by Zuccotti Park so she can do her part and help explain to any of her readers who have been in a coma for the last month, “what’s up with all that protesting?” The exciting title for her piece is “My Day at Occupy Wall Street” in accordance with the third-grade manual of style guidelines for first-person essays about field trips to the zoo, which is what we will call her “theme” since Meg has eschewed the more reporterly trope of using any kind of “angle” whatsoever. So let’s see, what trove of recycled generalizations has our intrepid columnist obtained through her journey? Read more on Meghan McCain Writes Least Insightful Column About #OWS In History…
  this guy again

Chuck Norris Discovers UN Plot to Steal His Pistols Inside Gun Statue

Crusty paranoid sad sack Chuck Norris has uncovered evidence that the United Nations is actively plotting to break into his anger cave and boost his vast library of murder weapons (haha, get it?) in the form of Swedish artist Carl Fredrick Reutersward’s anti-violence sculpture of a .38 pistol tied in a knot, which is located at the UN headquarters. What kind of hot washed up action star voodoo did Chuck Norris have to visit on this statue to find this scandalous information? Did he roundhouse kick its sorry nuts off? Did he sodomize it with the Constitution? No! He just “looked at it.” BOO! Probably this is not even Chuck Norris, and just his pastor writing his rants again. Regardless, POLITICO for some unimaginably asinine reason decided to air his fever dreams in their op-ed space. Are they starting a comedy section? Read more on Chuck Norris Discovers UN Plot to Steal His Pistols Inside Gun Statue…
  rich assholes

Angry Millionaire Wants to Kill Dept. of Education and Raise Executive Pay

Ultra-rich old troll Harvey Golub threw his diamond-encrusted Depends around in a fit on the Wall Street Journal opinion pages after he read Warren Buffett’s recent NYTimes op-ed asking the government to raise taxes on the super wealthy, which sounds like “napalm on ur testicles” to an arch-conservative like Golub. Why pay more taxes when you can eliminate giant swaths of the government completely? “Do we really need an energy department or an education department at all?” writes Golub. No! We do not need heating or spelling! What else should we eliminate? So many things! Here’s another: Golub in 2010 lobbied to do away with executive salary caps at taxpayer-owned trash heaps like AIG, where Golub was chairman after the bailout. Now there’s a decent use of public money! What else? Read more on Angry Millionaire Wants to Kill Dept. of Education and Raise Executive Pay…
  unpopular game show hosts

Ben Stein: Idiot, Bigot, Whatever

2.) In life, events tend to follow patterns. People who commit crimes tend to be criminals, for example. Can anyone tell me any economists who have been convicted of violent sex crimes? Can anyone tell me of any heads of nonprofit international economic entities who have ever been charged and convicted of violent sexual crimes? Is it likely that just by chance this hotel maid found the only one in this category? Maybe Mr. Strauss-Kahn is guilty but if so, he is one of a kind, and criminals are not usually one of a kind. Read more on Ben Stein: Idiot, Bigot, Whatever…
  the real delta force

Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns

Since your Wonkette cracked the case on Chuck Norris’ hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker’s people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people’s faces off is afraid of some dumb political joke blog. Creators Syndicate has since edited Norris’ most recent column to at least credit the news sources from which whole sentences were lifted, but they have yet to take action on the new instances of plagiarism we found yesterday; those articles remain unchanged on Creators’ website. Also, this should probably come as no surprise, but Norris doesn’t even write these columns, from what we’ve found. They appear to be penned by a man who works for him, Todd DuBord, who is known as “Chuck Norris’ pastor.” Read more on Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns…
  his sensei cannot be proud

Chuck Norris Commits Plagiarism In His Column All the Time

Yesterday, we were writing a joke about Chuck Norris copy-and-pasting other people’s “information” into his column when we realized, yes, this is probably exactly what he did. We checked, and, what do you know, he did plagiarize parts of that op-ed. Is it surprising the man who’s responsible for stuff like this isn’t exactly intellectually honest? No. But it is rather surprising he got this by Creators Syndicate, which, despite the man being known for kicking rather than rousing political commentary, manages to place his column in actual newspapers and also crappy conservative websites like WoldNetDaily, Townhall, NewsBusters, the American Family Association, and Human Events. And it’s even more surprising considering Chuck Norris plagiarizes in his column hilariously often, according to today’s WONKETTE INVESTIGATION. Read more on Chuck Norris Commits Plagiarism In His Column All the Time…
  eww! cooties!

Bryan Fischer Opines On Lady Gaga, Admits He May Be Turning Into a Gay

The 2012 Republican presidential field’s favorite Jesus-band radio host, the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer, routinely professes to the world how disgusting gay people are, just in case people forgot and briefly thought he may enjoy penises being inserted into his rectum. But this latest column is a bit of a departure. He leads off with an opinion on whether Lady Gaga is original or merely a ripoff of Madonna, for one, which is not something everyday red-blooded American men usually talk about when they make pained conversation with one another after church. “Sexual orientation is fluid and is hardly a fixed, immovable thing,” Fischer says now. Uh oh, gays. Is Bryan Fischer about to join your team? Have your sexy bodies turned him into an ex-straight? Read more on Bryan Fischer Opines On Lady Gaga, Admits He May Be Turning Into a Gay…
  political column

Roger Simon: 2012 Election To Be Obama/Kucinich Showdown

Roger Simon is paid a six-figure salary to be right about politics, so expect him to resign November 7, 2012 if this prognostication of his does not happen: Republicans are so worthless they may not even field a candidate for the first presidential election since 1852, and next year’s contest will be a showdown between Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich. Is Kucinich going to win? No, Kucinich is not going to win, Simon says, but he has a better chance than the Republicans. (We think that’s what he’s saying? It’s hard to tell, because this column is so dumb.) Anyway, THE POINT IS, if something were to happen to Obama that took his life, Dennis Kucinich would win the presidency. Read more on Roger Simon: 2012 Election To Be Obama/Kucinich Showdown…
  but john mccain still can't get one accepted

Grammatically Challenged Trump Blasts Collins For Poor ‘Word Usage’

Donald Trump apparently heard the New York Times‘ lovely op-ed columnist Gail Collins wrote something about his birther revolution, and the cartoon rich man’s ears steamed with cartoon anger. “This will not stand!” Trump screamed to his assembled professional-reality-teevee-contestant employees. Trump sent the Times a response. “Some people have focused on Trump’s grammar; I am more interested in his lazy grasp of the facts,” writes Mr. Serious Reporter 2011 pageant winner Dave Weigel. Yes, the tired birther facts are not facts, which is not surprising. But Trump’s gall criticizing Collins’ “storytelling ability and word usage” in a letter strife with grammatical errors? Hilarious! We will focus on that part! Read more on Grammatically Challenged Trump Blasts Collins For Poor ‘Word Usage’…
  boobs

Leading Political Scientist Meghan McCain Envisions Presidential Race

Meghan McCain has long wanted the world to take her thoughts on politics seriously, despite giving them absolutely no reason to do so, so for her latest column, she’s taken a studious look at the 2012 presidential race, and decided it will probably pit the Republican candidate Sarah Palin against a Democratic nominee named Charlie Sheen. WHAT’S THAT? YOU CAN’T STOP LAUGHING AT THE ABSURDITY OF THIS UNLIKELY SCENARIO? That’s precisely what Meghan wants! She has been paid money (we assume) to write out a HUMOROUS SKIT depicting these two individuals at a future debate. Of course, they can’t help but talk about Meghan McCain, considering how important she is to the Politics and the National Conversation and the Issues. Read more on Leading Political Scientist Meghan McCain Envisions Presidential Race…
  alert the illitches

Heritage Foundation Guy: People Leaving Detroit Because It’s Liberal

The Heritage Foundation is a place for great thinkers, so it comes as no surprise that one of their geniuses has finally, from his little marble Koch cubicle in D.C., solved why Detroit is losing population: it’s full of liberals. Scary! One would think it would be easier for the people of Detroit to just start electing Teabaggers instead of leaving all their possessions behind and running to borders to escape the sheer terror of living under the rule of Democrats, but apparently that is not the case, according to this man who has never been to Detroit. This is such a brilliant answer to that city’s population loss! We bet if you look at other regions of the country led by Democrats, you will see the same thing. Regions such as the one ruled by Barack Obama. Read more on Heritage Foundation Guy: People Leaving Detroit Because It’s Liberal…
  takes one to know one

George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’

2012 DILDO NEWS: “The most recent vibrator is Mike Huckabee,” reports George Will. George Will will not allow Republicans who talk about Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth to be the next president of the United States. That is uncouth. So, like a sporting gentleman, he will refer to them as dildos until they go away. Read more on George Will: Mike Huckabee Is a ‘Vibrator’…
  leading political theorists

Serially Unemployed Meghan McCain Has Thoughts On Wisconsin Workers

What is Meghan McCain up to these days? When she’s not buying AC/DC pajamas at Walmart for her new Daily Beast colleagues Howard Kurtz and Andrew Sullivan, she’s been very hard at work composing her fortnightly column. Yes, that’s every two weeks. What a workload! Tina Brown should be careful; Meghan could hurt her back and be on disability for months. Meghan tried her best to come up with an opinion on the Wisconsin unions and runaway state senators. She really did! The result doesn’t really make sense, but we think she’s trying to say unions should just let it go and allow the state government to do whatever it wants, because this is all hurting society. Sure, Meg agrees a $89,000 a year salary doesn’t “seem” like a lot of money for people who don’t have trust funds, but humanity itself will be doomed if we continue to let unions collectively bargain. Read more on Serially Unemployed Meghan McCain Has Thoughts On Wisconsin Workers…
  the body's not cold right?

Helpful WaPo Columnist Tells Us What Giffords Would Think About Wisconsin

Unfortunately, Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head, so she currently can’t tell us what she thinks about the situation in Wisconsin, or even if she can, her family is probably making her talk about things like “how she cares about them” or “how to stay alive and recover from the bullet that went through her brain.” Thankfully, the Washington Post employs a full roster of op-ed contributors who have nothing better to do with their spare time than pretend to know what people with life-threatening gunshot wounds think about political issues thousands of miles away that don’t concern them. “If the brave Gabrielle Giffords could speak normally, what would she say about these events? I hope she would agree with me: This is a sad moment for liberalism,” Charles Lane writes. Yeah, this classy gentleman is probably correct! It’s so nice of him to help out this gunshot victim who’s unfortunately not “normal.” Read more on Helpful WaPo Columnist Tells Us What Giffords Would Think About Wisconsin…
  great analogies

Ben Quayle Thanks Ronald Reagan For the Free Jelly Beans

Ben Quayle is a Politico op-ed contributor? Of course Ben Quayle is a Politico op-ed contributor. “When I was a child, President Ronald Reagan was the nice man who gave us jelly beans when we visited the White House.” Sure, the nice old man’s mind didn’t always seem to be there, and half the time the jelly beans were actually his cats, but at least he thought they were jelly beans, and that was what was important for America. Wow, a pointless editorial framed by an inane story just to show the writer knows famous people? That’s pretty advanced for a new op-ed writer. This is the kind of stuff that’s usually written by men who haven’t been relevant to the political discourse for thirty years but are somehow still paid big bucks by the Washington Post to be out of touch. Expect them to hire this Ben Quayle fellow! Read more on Ben Quayle Thanks Ronald Reagan For the Free Jelly Beans…
  wearing glasses doesn't make you smart

Basically, Richard Cohen Wants You To Know He Goes To Insidery Funerals

Like many professionals of a certain age, Richard Cohen goes to a lot of funerals. Very, very, very soon, he will attend his own, and everyone will be able to laugh in his face about how stupid he was. But for now, he must write Washington Post op-eds letting us know that he goes to, like, the most important memorial services ever. Case in point: He went to Richard Holbrooke’s last week! What a hott ticket, right? Whom did he have to blow to go to that? Everyone? Yes. So Richard Cohen had to get an article out of this, right? But what to say? How about, “Barack Obama hates Richard Holbrooke so much that he gave a better speech in Tucson”? Sure, that works. Read more on Basically, Richard Cohen Wants You To Know He Goes To Insidery Funerals…
  but where's bristol palin?

Wow, 50 People Did That Washington Post Win-a-Date-With-Broder Contest

That dumb Washington Post op-ed contest has put up the entries of its first-round winners or whatever, so the future of American thought has been secured. And there are 50 of them, because somehow more than 2 people entered this thing! You can also click to “vote” for some of the op-eds. Some guy named Bria Ho is currently leading that with only 106 votes, and his op-ed is about how the Washington Post should not have this contest because the Internet is filthy or something like that. What? He also mentions “‘lulz catz,'” to prove to us that he doesn’t know proper Internet terminology because he doesn’t use the Internet at all, despite being in an Internet contest. But more importantly, somebody e-mailed us and said one of our very own Wonketteers is in the running for this. Our condolences. Read more on Wow, 50 People Did That Washington Post Win-a-Date-With-Broder Contest…
  the future of test prep

Washington Post Doing Another ‘America’s Next Great Pundit’ Thing

As the air turns crisp and the leaves begin to fall, the Washington Post has once again launched a dumb contest to select new dumb op-ed contributors. They sent us an e-mail about this because they know we are fans of their opinion page, and apparently they are calling this “America’s Next Great Pundit, Season II,” which makes it sound like a real teevee show! Wow, if only! That would certainly get ratings. So you are once again invited to submit an entry into this contest, but please no minorities or women or people younger than 55. That was the problem they had with last year’s contest. Read more on Washington Post Doing Another ‘America’s Next Great Pundit’ Thing…
  people who want to get some of that nostradamus e-mail ink

There Will Be Terrorist Attack Next 9/11 Even If Marc Thiessen Has To Do It Himself

Marc Thiessen has made his Joe Namath guarantee: There WILL be an al-Qaeda attack on America next year when 9/11 turns the “big one-oh.” How does Thiessen know this? Is he a member of al-Qaeda? Perhaps. But if he is not now, he will be soon, because he needs to infiltrate them to MAKE SURE they are working on a plan to do some terrorism next year. Plus, al-Qaeda probably gives you a cool letterman’s jacket with your name on it when you join. Anyway, everyone who does not think that a terrorist attack will happen on that day is DEAD WRONG, because the terrorists pretty much have to do one, right? Read more on There Will Be Terrorist Attack Next 9/11 Even If Marc Thiessen Has To Do It Himself…