Tag Archives: olympics

  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
Sports! Oh man, sports, aren’t they great? Shut up, they are too. Here now is your 2014 Wonkette Sportsball Year In Review, because why not? Off-field Hits Plague NFL Sorry to break this to you, Wonketeers, but the NFL remains the most popular form of sportsball in America. It seems we cannot get enough of the big men slamming into each other, and with all of the downtime between plays, who can blame us? This year, however, public perception of the NFL took a serious turn for the worse. The AP named the NFL’s domestic abuse scandals the sports story of the year, and the league’s ham-fisted response to the scandals will be studied by dead-eyed PR majors for generations to come. Read more on Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!…
  clap your hands

Rihanna’s Boobs Lift Us Up Where We Belong

What has HappyNiceTimePeople’s new editor-in-chief, Sara Benincasa (THAT’S ME!), been doing over there at our sister site? Oh, you know, stuff. We chilled you out with a totally chill British lady doing mind wizarding or whatever. Read more on Rihanna’s Boobs Lift Us Up Where We Belong…
  Hotbed Of Sodomy

Pop Music Nice Time: Austrian Drag Queen Wins Eurovision, Will Probably Make Russia Gay

Do you know what Eurovision is? Haha, you do not, because you are (likely) A American and interested in patriotic things like steaks and apple pies and baseball and cowboys and guns and American Idol and The Voice, also, too. The Eurovision Song Contest does not stack up compared to those things in American eyes, although we do suppose that that could be because the contest’s called Eurovision, which is a good way of making sure that Americans do not come in and sweep the contest, like we do at the Olympics every two years, like jerks. Read more on Pop Music Nice Time: Austrian Drag Queen Wins Eurovision, Will Probably Make Russia Gay…
  clipbait

The Daily Show Goes To Moscow. Just Like A Commie.

For the Winter Olympics, The Daily Show sent Jason Jones to Moscow, which is no longer the USSR but is now like America “with a fucked up alphabet.” Best moment of the Cold War Nostalgia groove: Mikhial Gorbachev, unaccountably still alive, threatens to put Jones through a wall for trying to pull an unscheduled interview. Also fun are the media-savvy Moscovites on the street who recognize Drago from Rocky IV as a “Russian stereotype” and Boris and Natasha as characters from an “American bullshit cartoon” (Bullshit, Bullwinkle, whatevs). Read more on The Daily Show Goes To Moscow. Just Like A Commie….
  ya burnt!

Stupidest Guest Blogger On Internet Catches Wonkette’s Unspeakable Hypocrisy On Stoner Obama Story

Well, dear readers, we have been BURNT! As Gateway Pundit guest blogger Kristinn Taylor reveals, Yr Wonkette ran a story Saturday noting that B. Barry Bamz looked a little worse for the wear in his Olympics interview with Bob Costas. And indeed, we asked if he was “high as fuck” or just really, really tired. (For the record, we actually thought he was really really tired, but we didn’t say that because it’s not that funny.) Ah, but then, mere hours later, we also featured the Stupidest Man on the Internet’s take on the story as part of our Derp Roundup, apparently because we just can’t resist “attacking” Gateway Pundit and its mission of bringing light to important issues like whether the President of the United States is high as fuck on the marijuana. And so, you see, we are Huge Hypocrites for covering the “story” ourselves and mocking another website’s coverage of it. Except for how, you know, the two pieces were written by different people, and how both of those writers think that the chances that the POTUS is potted up on weed are actually vanishingly small, although he sure looked bad on TV. Jim Hoft and other rightwing screamers are pretty sure they’ve spotted the Preznit all choomed up on national television, and want an investigation. We would call that a difference. Read more on Stupidest Guest Blogger On Internet Catches Wonkette’s Unspeakable Hypocrisy On Stoner Obama Story…
  the thrill of victory and the agony of maureen dowd

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition

Maybe you missed that there’s a sporting competition/clash of nations going on, so the NYT will make sure you have one million Olympics words to read. You think you don’t need to read those words because you already saw everything on TV, but you misunderestimate the NYT for their ability to run quirky pieces that get little details no one else does. Take, for instance, their piece on yesterday’s women’s mogul race. Did you watch moguls yesterday? Moguls are ridic, what with the skiing over horrifying enormous bumps and then also too needing to do flippy shit off of ramps mid-run. There was an American favorite in the race, Hannah Kearney, that you could not escape hearing about because American. The NYT covers a bit of that, but then goes on to tell you things like what music they played at the event. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition…
  just a man and his will to survive

Manly Vladimir Putin Cuddles Tigers Into Submission Like A Strongman Should

Don’t you wish that Obama wasn’t such a 98-pound weakling that just gets sand kicked in his face by Fox News on the regular? Wouldn’t it be great to have a muscular bare-chested white man like Vladimir Putin, who can talk to the animals and show them who is boss, on account of all his manly manliness? You betcha. Russian president Vladimir Putin intervened to calm a six-month leopard who attacked journalists in the Sochi region during a meeting with senior members of the IOC, according to reports. State television showed Putin caressing the big cat, called Grom (Thunder), on his knee after it lashed out at journalists. “I like animals, it seems I have a feeling for them,” said Putin, who has been pictured with wild animals before. “We liked each other.” Read more on Manly Vladimir Putin Cuddles Tigers Into Submission Like A Strongman Should…
  put a sock in it

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition

Happy Super Sportsball Sunday! Go read the Times’s one million pages of regular sports coverage AND thinkpieces about the Super Bowl! Or don’t. Go read about Chris Christie! Or just read what we wrote about Christie already. Definitely read the Dylan Farrow letter from yesterday and then promptly go fight with everyone on the internet about it. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  facts are stupid things

Mayor Of Sochi Is Quite Certain He Does Not Have Anyone Gaying Up His Town Yet

Getting hyped for the Olympics? Of course you are! Hoping you can just watch luge or curling or the biathlon or whatever strikes your fantasy without having to worry about Russia’s depressingly backwards thoughts and feels about the gays? Did you figure that maybe when Bamz sent a pile of homosexuals as the US delegation to the Olympics that would maybe be the last you had to hear about how gay or not-gay your winter sports were going to be? If you’re tired of having gay athletes or spectators or gay people in general rammed right down your throat hole, as the gays are wont to do, take a page from Sochi Mayor Anatoly Pakhomov’s book and just declare that there are no gay people in Sochi. But when asked whether gay people had to hide their sexuality in Sochi, the Mayor said: “No, we just say that it is your business, it’s your life. But it’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city.” When challenged, the mayor admitted that he was not certain there were no gay people in Sochi: “I am not sure, but I don’t bloody know them.” See no gay, hear no gay, speak no gay. Read more on Mayor Of Sochi Is Quite Certain He Does Not Have Anyone Gaying Up His Town Yet…
  sochi 2014: the grindr games

Pat Buchanan: When Will The Gays Stop Oppressing Putin?

Are you mad at Russia for doing this whole “arrest anybody who might like gay people” thing? Well then Pat Buchanan is mad at you. Probably. We can’t really tell, but he wrote some kind of opinion piece about it where he’s mad at Jay Leno for saying Russian “homosexual propaganda” laws sounded like Hitler-talk, or something. If someone translates the column into English, we will know for sure, but otherwise we will have to muddle through with whatever it is Mr. Buchanan has farted out. “Medieval,” howled The Washington Post. “Mr. Putin’s war” on gays and lesbians is “part and parcel of his lapse into xenophobia, religious chauvinism and general intolerance.” … Our moral and cultural elites have put Putin on notice: Get in step with us on homosexual rights — or we may just boycott your Sochi games. What this reveals is the distance America has traveled, morally and culturally, in a few short years, and our amnesia about who we Americans once were, and what it is we once believed. We shouldn’t be mad at Russia for being anti-gay, you see, because back in the good ol’ days, we were anti-gay too! Read more on Pat Buchanan: When Will The Gays Stop Oppressing Putin?…
  inquiring minds don't actually give a shit

How Is Obama Secretly Gaying Today?

Everyone knows Barack Obama is probably secretly a gay homosexual gay. It’s just so obvious, isn’t it, what with his, like, probably gayness? He sure sets off Fox “News” mouth-breather and Brooklyn food co-op enthusiast Todd Starnes’s gaydar (which, um, we thought only other gays and their single-lady hags-we-mean-allies had, so, uh, what does that say about Starnes, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?) but anyhoo, when he’s not fighting Creeping ShariaTM, he’s looking out for Obama’s gay so you don’t have to, not that you would because you have better things to do, like watch paint dry or alphabetize your M&Ms: On August 9, President Obama stated his opposition to Russia’s strict anti-gay laws, which could threaten openly gay Olympians and visitors during the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. At a press conference, Obama said “nobody’s more offended than me by some of the anti-gay and -lesbian legislation that we’ve been seeing in Russia.” Starnes – who has become Fox News’ resident mouthpiece for anti-gay hate groups – used Obama’s comment to suggest the president might be admitting to being gay[.] Well, ZOMG! and shit. The president is offended by a blatantly bigoted policy, which must mean he’s a secret homosexual, because what else could it mean? Certainly not that he was offended by a blatantly bigoted policy; that’s too obvious. Read more on How Is Obama Secretly Gaying Today?…
  in case you were wondering still no building of that by you

Liveblogging Tampa Wednesday: Rand Paul Ryan Rubio Olympians?

I would like to welcome you all to my first ever Wonkette liveblog of anything ever except for those three years that I was secretly running the entire site but pretending I was white people! ARE YOU READY TO HEAR PEOPLE REFERENCE BUILDING THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN??? I’m sure you are. Tonight, we have Rand Paul, who the RNC mistakenly identified as Ron Paul, and Jeb Bush, the only Bush allowed at the convention, and Marco Rubio, who is Cuban and therefore better than Democratic minorities, and of course P90X dreamboat Paul Ryan, who is neither Ron Paul or Rand Paul but will Fifty Shades of Grey the fuck out of you if you agree to take a Medicare voucher. Drop your drawers, because it’s RNC night two: PANTSLESS PROSPERITY! Complete stupid schedule here. There are Olympians tonight, too. Presumably ones who built that. Without coaches. Read more on Liveblogging Tampa Wednesday: Rand Paul Ryan Rubio Olympians?…
  Dude Look Like a Lady!

Turk Says Olympics Turning Ladies To Men, Freepers Torn Between Anti-Feminism And Anti-Turkishness

It is a tradition as old as the Olympics itself: Some idiot notices that muscular women and muscular men, being actual members of the same actual species, look somewhat similar to each other, and declares that sports have brought about the “death of femininity.” The misogynist du jour is Turkish columnist Yüksel Aytuğ, who kicked up an online shitstorm with a column titled “Womanhood is Dying at the Olympics,” in which he complained about seeing “Broad-shouldered, flat-chested women with small hips; [they are] totally indistinguishable from men. Their breasts – the symbol of womanhood, motherhood – flattened into stubs as they were seen as mere hindrances to speed.” “I am not even talking about female javelin throwers, shot-put athletes, weightlifters, wrestlers and boxers,” Aytuğ said. “Their appearance is just pathetic.” Aytuğ went on to say that, in distorting the feminine form, sports had perpetrated “violence against women,” and ended the column by suggesting that future Olympics reward competitors with bonus points for looking “feminine” during competitions, adding that “Otherwise we will destroy the grace and naïveté of women through the Olympics.” News of the column prompted outrage among readers worldwide, particularly enlightened Western men who condemned Aytuğ’s provincial sexism and misogyny while noting that they thought that muscular women athletes were totally hot and fuckable as hell. Read more on Turk Says Olympics Turning Ladies To Men, Freepers Torn Between Anti-Feminism And Anti-Turkishness…
  wonkette sports desk london

Rafalca’s Magical Olympics, Day One: Rafalca Losing To Some Dancing Horses, Beating Others

Your Wonkette knows that it is not allowed to make any lighthearted jokes about the rich presidential candidate and his wife who own a dancing horse that is competing in the Olympics. Americans have no history of making jokes about the playthings of the rich, in this case a German-bred mare. As Mitt Romney says, if we all work hard, we’ll all get rich and own dancing horses, and will we want the cretins to rib us then? Right. So here is an objective report of the first Olympics performance from the 15-year-old German-bred mare that dances and is owned by Ann and Mitt Romney. Read more on Rafalca’s Magical Olympics, Day One: Rafalca Losing To Some Dancing Horses, Beating Others…
  kenyan anticolonial also too

Wingnuts Outraged Over Socialist Marxist Hippie-Dippy Multi-Culti Antiwar Olympics Love-In

Which part of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies did you like best? Was it the plutocrats murdering the workers in the Industrial Revolution, or the pagans calling forth their gods with sacrificial virgins and maypoles? Was it the reference to the Industrialization of War? Was it the stunning black British girl texting, or the dorky boy in the bowler trying to smush on her about as convincingly as Michael Jackson stalking the lady through the alley in The Way You Make Me Feel? It is too bad that those British youngsters couldn’t understand why Special Relationship is Special, due to their sad lack of Anglo-Saxon heritage. Oh well, better luck next time, non-white people! Well we can tell you which part you should not have liked best, and that is all of it, because it was a disgrace! Read more on Wingnuts Outraged Over Socialist Marxist Hippie-Dippy Multi-Culti Antiwar Olympics Love-In…