Tag Archives: olive garden

  west virginia is for non-stop vomiting

Coal Fights Back Against Obama’s War On Coal With Chemical Attack In West Virginia

Coal! It’s dirty, brittle, and buried deep underground. In a word, it’s American. Which is why Fox News declared that Obama declared war on it, when he announced his intention to “promote fuel-switching from coal to gas for electricity production.” Your move, coal. Oh, you have made your move, and it is to contaminate 300,000 West Virginians’ water by spilling an unknown quantity of “4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol (MCHM)” into the Elk River. MCHM causes “severe burning in throat, severe eye irritation, non-stop vomiting, trouble breathing or severe skin irritation such as skin blistering.” All that, and it smells like licorice to boot! The governor of West Virginia, who is named “Earl Ray Tomblin” because of course he is, has declared a state of emergency, which is pretty much the unofficial motto of West Virginia anyway. 300,000 West Virginians are being told not to drink their tap water, make baby formula, shower, brush their teeth, or basically even look directly at their faucets, and no, we will not be making the expected “do you really need to tell West Virginians not to shower or brush their teeth haw haw!” joke because that is Uncivil and makes them less inclined to vote for the folks we like. Read more on Coal Fights Back Against Obama’s War On Coal With Chemical Attack In West Virginia…
  today in capitalism

A Children’s Treasury of CEOs Throwing Very Grown-Up Tantrums Over Obamacare

If we were the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, we would happily make ten cents less per unit in order to make sure that our employees have health care coverage. This would be DOUBLY true if we were the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company in the food industry, given that we would not want our employees coming to work sick and touching all the food with their germ-infested hands and then giving the germ-infested food to our customers. But this attitude is probably why we are not the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, because duh you don’t get rich by giving away ten cents so that your employees can get chemotherapy when they have cancer. Here is a lesson on capitalism and profitability courtesy four companies that refuse — REFUSE — to make sure that their employees are not handling your food with their tubercular hands. Unless of course, someone is willing to pay the price. They have standards, you see! And principles! And those principles say that by God, they aren’t going to adjust profits or prices by ten cents per unit so that their employees can get health care. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of CEOs Throwing Very Grown-Up Tantrums Over Obamacare…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden

Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, but this is the thing that owns Olive Garden and Red Lobster, the restaurants that revolutionized the obesity epidemic by taking the ideas behind the fast food diabetes factories we all came to love, adding a tablecloth and silverware, and charging a few extra dollars for the same increased blood pressure. The Never Ending Pasta Bowl is American innovation at its best, so why doesn’t Michelle Obama want to Win the Future, through sheer body mass? Read more on Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden…
  gotta get paid

Christine O’Donnell Bravely Refuses To Be On TeeVee Dancing Show

Delaware clown-fish Christine O’Donnell used to go on the teevee all the time because hey, free snacks backstage! Maybe even a few hundred bucks! And she would just say whatever popped up in her weird head — masturbation, “dates” beneath Satanic alters, other witch issues. But, apparently, Christine O’Donnell had a brief moment of self-awareness today and sent out this press release saying she wouldn’t continue her reality-teevee comedy career by appearing as the “new Bristol Palin” on the program Dancing With the Stars. The press release was actually just an email from her ridiculous attempt at starting a Political Action Committee to pay her mortgage and Zappos’ bills. Wait a minute, could these things be related in some way? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Bravely Refuses To Be On TeeVee Dancing Show…
  how do we even write this...

WHERE Do Olive Garden’s Allegiances Lie: With David Letterman, Or Some Funny PUMA Blog?

What are the PUMAs up to, and why? It is the impossible question. Have they uncovered new evidence of Obama campaign voter suppression (sexism) in some early caucus state? Maybe they’ll do that next week. For now, they’re at the forefront of the “Anti-David Letterman Movement,” which you may have suspected after watching that funny protest video yesterday. One of their blogs, “HillBuzz,” — hint: it’s not named after Barack Obama! — made the comical photoshop above along with many others, each one for companies that advertise with the David Letterman show. If these companies don’t cancel their contracts with CBS, the logic goes, then they will be considered Willow-rapers too. And it appeared earlier in the day as though the PUMAs succeeded in persuading the Olive Garden to cancel, but… no. Read more on WHERE Do Olive Garden’s Allegiances Lie: With David Letterman, Or Some Funny PUMA Blog?…