Tag Archives: olds

  Obama's filling your grandma's doughnut hole right nice

Obamacare Death Panels Oklahoma Old People, By Giving Them So Much Money

Now Grandma gets to go to the Horseshoe, THANKS OBAMA.
U.S. Americans have been lately wondering why their Oklahoma Grandma has been sending them TWO crisp twenties for their birthdays these past few years. Is she sick? Has she reached the point where she can’t count moneys anymore? GOOD NEWS, it is not that, your Okie Mee-Maw is just fine! It turns out that, due to the Affordable Care Act, more popularly known as “Obamacare,” Grandma Rose has a bit more cash to throw around, stemming from Obamacare’s efforts to close the so-called “doughnut hole” in Medicare Part D, a dumb coverage gap that causes seniors to spend many extra dollars per year on prescriptions that they actually need. So far, though, since Black President death paneled all the Olds in 2010, Oklahoma grandmas (and grandpas, and grandsgenders, and also disabled people covered by Medicare who are not “grand” age) have saved $191 million on their prescription drugs, hurray! You know who is going to the race track this weekend? Yes, it is Grandma Rose and her 65,158 best friends: Read more on Obamacare Death Panels Oklahoma Old People, By Giving Them So Much Money…
  we got your rascal hanging

Ready The FEMA Camps: Obama Coming For Your Rascal So You Can’t Run Or Hide

They tried to warn us. “Government out of my Medicare!” they said. “Something about socialized medicine and Dr. Mengele,” said they. But did we listen? Or did we just howl with laughter? WELL NO ONE’S LAUGHING NOW, BUDDY. And that is because Barack Hussein Nobumer has criminalized being old, in the form of raiding The Scooter Store for massive amounts of Medicare fraud, and now he is going to death panel all of you, right quick! Why do we never listen to Sarah Palin’s gentle murmurs? WHYYYYYY???? Read more on Ready The FEMA Camps: Obama Coming For Your Rascal So You Can’t Run Or Hide…
  the hippity hop

Now We Are Sad, Because Jesus Is Only Our Homeboy

Please to enjoy this completely 100 percent real video of Pastor Jim Colerick and his wife, “Mrs. Colerick,” dropping fat rhymes that they wrote about Jesus, Who Is Their Nigga. The video is probably at least five years old, according to the Daily Mail, yet its message? Lives with Gangster Jesus in dimensions beyond space and time. Read more on Now We Are Sad, Because Jesus Is Only Our Homeboy…
  bruuuuuuuce

Olds Tear Paul Ryan Into Bloody Paul Ryan Chunks At AARP Conference

They were hungry. So hungry. It was like the nurses and the porters at their “retirement” “communities” — jails, each and every one of them — were doing it on purpose, ignoring their wails for bigger portions of the lousy slop they called “food.” And they always stole everything that wasn’t locked down! They were starving inside their shriveled bodies, which didn’t need much in the way of sustenance or sleep, and even that they were not getting. And then Paul Ryan came to the stage. Read more on Olds Tear Paul Ryan Into Bloody Paul Ryan Chunks At AARP Conference…
  fuck tha police

Paul Ryan Arrests All The Olds At His Events, Probably So He Can Eat Them

Hey, remember when all those Tea Partiers got arrested at all the Democrats’ town hall meetings two years ago? Oh, you don’t, because none of them were arrested for, say, disturbing the peace, even though they had purposely coordinated not to make themselves heard but to drown out their Democratic congresspeople? Weird. Well, the longtime Wonkette reader will remember Zooey Deschanel’s twin sister, Paul Ryan, arresting all (non-Tea Party) humans ever, but here is a nice bit of video from a different angle: namely, the angle of this old man being taken to the ground by the po-po. That will teach you to yell about your Medicare, Old Man. Read more on Paul Ryan Arrests All The Olds At His Events, Probably So He Can Eat Them…
  grannies gone wilding

Old Texas Lady Beats Son’s ‘Roommate’ With Cane, Proves You’re Never Too Old To Go Hate-Criming

A 71-year-old Texas “lady” beat and choked her son’s “roommate” with a cane while yelling slurs about gay people. (We are putting “roommate” in scare-quotes because for the life of us we cannot figure out why else an old lady would get so mad at her son’s roommate that she attempted to murder him, while calling him slurs about gay people, unless she thought the roommate and her son were sexing each other’s bottoms, in which case, lady, please join PFLAG and just talk it through.) Then she beat the roommate’s mother, when she arrived to come to his aid. Read more on Old Texas Lady Beats Son’s ‘Roommate’ With Cane, Proves You’re Never Too Old To Go Hate-Criming…
  daily joe

Handsome Old Joe Biden Yells at Fellow Olds

Boy, somebody got on Old Handsome Joe’s last nerve! He even says he is “angry,” and then yells a bunch! But what brought on this fit of righteousness from the World’s Sexiest Grampa? Watch Joe Biden testify, after the jump! Read more on Handsome Old Joe Biden Yells at Fellow Olds…
  wonkette world o' books

Do Novels Cause Old Person Terrorism?

A bunch of decrepit rednecks fantasizing about mass murder is a common enough occurrence in North Georgia (your Wonkette bookman knows this from lifelong experience). What’s different about the alleged plot by this AARP IRA is that they had the misfortune to run into an FBI informant who actually challenged them to put their brain-damaged program into action. Thus, a “bucket list” of gubmint/corporate/media folk to kill, plus an imaginary Knight Rider car that spits ricin all over I-85. It’s good to know that novels can still inspire people to change the world Read more on Do Novels Cause Old Person Terrorism?…
  self-esteem

Rand Paul Stomper Wants an Apology From Lady He Stomped, Of Course

Ex Rand Paul Bourbon County coordinator Tim Profitt sort of apologized yesterday IF “it appeared overly forceful” when he stomped on that annoying MoveOn woman in the wig. But of course, as we all know, when you stomp on a person’s head, it should really be that person apologizing to you. “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said. Yes, we would like you to be honest with us, Tim! Perhaps you can tell us if your mother used to stomp on your head? Or maybe a titillated thoroughbred? “She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, did he also date-rape this girl? Oh, by the way, he has a very good reason why he had to get this girl on the ground to assault her. Read more on Rand Paul Stomper Wants an Apology From Lady He Stomped, Of Course…
  give me my no fear shirt or give me death

Teabaggers Not Allowed To Wear Ratty Teabagger T-Shirts In Obama’s USA

“Back in May, Diane Wickberg, a grandmother from Flagstaff, Ariz., slipped into the same outfit she wears every Tuesday — a white T-shirt bearing photos of the American flag and the U.S. Constitution, along with the words: ‘Flagstaff Tea Party — Reclaiming Our Constitution.'” You mean she put on her patriot uniform, lamestream media. Sure, this idyllic scene plays out every single day in foreclosed homes across the land as the Jesus-Sun rises over Ronald Reagan’s America. But not on May 18 in Arizona. That was the day this Teabagger was asked to cover up her t-shirt at the polls. SOCIALISSSSSSSM! Read more on Teabaggers Not Allowed To Wear Ratty Teabagger T-Shirts In Obama’s USA…
  viral indeed

HEY TEENS! Your Homie Ray LaHood Wants You To Make Videos About Your Sexting Habits

You know what else can happen in two seconds? FALLING HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH YOUR NEW CRUSH RAY LAHOOD. *kawaii* (。◕‿‿◕。) Yes, Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood hates teens sexting when they’re driving cars, so he is doing things like sponsoring this viral video CHALLENGE and going to popular teen hangout the Illinois State Fair to step-dance at teens about this problemo. And now he has ghost-ridden over to the White House website and become a popular teen warblogger, just like your Wonkette. Read more on HEY TEENS! Your Homie Ray LaHood Wants You To Make Videos About Your Sexting Habits…
  life begins at 50

Average Republican ‘Young Gun’ Candidate Is 50

Youths is our future! And that’s why the Republicans are chasing the elusive, nonexistent “youth vote” with a hot ‘n sexy bunch of youngling candidates with an average age of, uh, 49.6 years old. Why can’t Republicans do anything right, ever? Sure, sure, “to be fair” you are not necessarily old & decrepit at 50 years — Barack Obama will turn 50 next year, and he looks better than 98.7% of Americans when they’re 21. But this is because he’s fit and handsome and has some self respect, not because of his age. The Republican “youth candidates,” predictably, look like sleazy old used-car salesman from the 1980s. (This is called “The Reagan Mystique.”) Read more on Average Republican ‘Young Gun’ Candidate Is 50…
  old people gettin' busy

Marco Rubio Throws Florida’s Old People Under the Bus

Wingnut child Marco Rubio wants to be Florida’s next U.S. senator, but does he hate Florida’s main population group (old people) too much? The maverick teabagger youth went on the teevee this weekend to debate charming orange heterosexual married man Charlie Crist, just to tell the Alligator State’s millions of Olds that he would soon take away their Social Security and probably even their condos and bingo clubs. Why does Marco Rubio despise America’s Future, the senior citizens? Read more on Marco Rubio Throws Florida’s Old People Under the Bus…
  what does john mccain want to bomb now?

John McCain Wants To Bomb AARP

Strife among the Olds! The principal actor in this particular Olds Drama, as in all Olds Dramas, is the elderly peacebomber John McCain, who is something like 87 years old. Standing opposite John McCain is the corrupt League of Olds, the AARP. Once friends, now foes, after the AARP recently *ruined everything* by endorsing ObamaCare, the chief tenet of which — and you can read this for yourself in plain language, on any number of Internet sites — is to kill white women and children over 65 years old. John McCain is so furious about this endorsement that he plans to use his powers as the elected President of the United States to bomb the AARP, so as to liberate it. Read more on John McCain Wants To Bomb AARP…
  maybe they're confused?

Old People Lobby To Endorse House Health Care Bill

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), a vestigial structure in the American political apparatus dating back to old times when people “stopped working” at a certain age and lived off of pensions (nowadays it’s more common to work forever, after Wall Street loots your life savings from the 401(k) it pushed you into), will supposedly be endorsing the super-communist House health care bill. Your death warrant’s signed, Granny! This is great news in that it gives us an excuse to link to this comical AARP article about old people sexting each other. “‘The next thing you know, you’ll get a picture of a breast,’ he says with a hearty laugh.” [AP, AARP] Read more on Old People Lobby To Endorse House Health Care Bill…
  but he is such a nice man

Gaffey Joe For Prez In 2016?

Here we have a pretty normal news analysis of Joe Biden: he’s described as frank but endearing, a clown but a statesman, maybe less visible than other Obama staffers but nonetheless a valued member of the team, etc etc… SNOOZE. But! “Aides said he might go for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2016. He would be 74 upon taking office, but his staff insists that’s not too old.” Well, shucks! As long as his paid employees give him the (anonymous) go-ahead, then everything should be fine. Remember how America just elected the 72-year-old John McCain its oldest president ever? Exactly. [Los Angeles Times] Read more on Gaffey Joe For Prez In 2016?…
  they just want to eat their lunch on time

Weiner Beseiged By Hungry, Cranky Olds

Well, it appears we have an answer to this morning’s burning question. The answer is: violent, insane mobs have overtaken every single political forum in the country — including one held at Brooklyn seniors’ center, where Rep. Anthony Weiner was nearly eated alive by a churlish group of anti-Communist mummies. Read more on Weiner Beseiged By Hungry, Cranky Olds…