Barbara Walters is so senile that she can’t remember hosting her ladies teevee show, The View, with Barack Obama. [Comedy Central]

To appeal to the 45-year-old bitter people who enjoy the 34-year-old Saturday Night Live teevee program because they are too old/poor to actually do anything on Saturday night, 71-year-old John McCain will make a very brief appearance on SNL at exactly 11:35 p.m. tomorrow. Apparently the show’s producers wanted to put McCain in a dress and beat the shit out of him for 15 minutes, which is the usual level of comedy on SNL, but the “maverick” said no. MORE »

McCAIN HEARTS HAMAS: John McCain is such a senile psychopath Maverick that he was all set to negotiate with Hamas just two years ago, but it’s very bad for Barack Obama to talk about such things this year, because … uh, Jeremiah Wright? [ABC News]

He hasn’t even beat Mitt Romney (or Ron Paul) for the nomination, yet, but John McCain is still making plans — plans for the end of his “first term” as president of the Senior Center. He just sent us an email filled with all the wonderful things he will bring to America, like a super-old Santa Claus. How will he achieve these fantasies? He doesn’t have any idea! Let’s cringe together, after the jump. MORE »

Barack Obama visited an assisted living home today in Indiana. Here is an old woman, so old she can barely speak, can barely even remember what she’s going to ask, challenging Obama on why he won’t accept the economically unsound gas tax holiday proposal, and then making a crack about how she’s going to die soon. Obama laughs awkwardly because GOOD GOD, give that woman a morphine already. [YouTube]

Forty years ago, twice-divorced teevee gal Barbara Walters was happily getting it on with a Republican senator from Massachusetts. Not only was Edward Brooke the first straight Republican politician, but he was also the first black man elected to the U.S. Senate. You know, that is racial transcendence.

“Baba Wawa” reveals all the horny ’70s details on Oprah Winfrey’s show next week, and we’ll all be watching. But because we won’t, here’s what supposedly happened. MORE »

A very small outrage we ignored on Friday had to do with the Democratic National Committee’s Director of Research, Mike Gehrke, making dumb “John McCain is old” jokes on this “Twitter” web thing. Who doesn’t make jokes about McCain’s advanced age, right? But today, we are amused, because somebody sent us this screencap of another damning “Twitter” that (allegedly) shows the same Gehrke guy now implying that Charlie Gibson will sing a whimsical song about fucking John McCain. Also, “doring.” That is how he spells doing … or during. Also: Dolphin furry avatar.

With nothing better to do these days, Ron Paul and his crazed followers bum-rushed the Nevada Republican Convention in Reno on Saturday — and they upended the whole process, which was supposed to be an “Oh well let’s give our Romney support to McCain since he is apparently the nominee.” They voted to change the party’s rules and seize the state’s delegates for Dr. Congressman Ron Paul! Hilarious! Then, convention chairman Bob Beers shut down the whole event, claiming the Peppermill Casino was going to kick them out for continuing beyond 5 p.m., which was a total lie, so the Paultards tried to kill him, and he barely escaped with his life! MORE »

HE SHOULD KNOW: Old John Murtha says Old John McCain is too old to be president. [Associated Press]

According to a shocking new poll, nobody trusts Hillary Clinton farther than they could throw her and they would not throw her very far. But her husband says that people who are old and wise, like Bill Clinton, find her very trustworthy indeed because they know the value of a candidate who is a poor public speaker. MORE »

Every four years, America learns that young, attractive entertainers like Miss Jennifer Garner support the Democrats, while, uh, Bo Derek supports the Republicans. But this presidential campaign is so different! Why? Because there are now old, ugly entertainers supporting a Democrat. The photo evidence may shock you! MORE »

According to the Stamford Advocate, an FBI investigation has concluded that the notorious crash of Joe2006.com, Joe Lieberman’s glorious Web site, the day before his August 2006 primary loss to actual Democrat Ned Lamont was caused by Joe Lieberman’s campaign. When will Joe Lieberman apologize to Joe Lieberman for these dirty tricks? MORE »

John McCain’s depressing tour of places where he used to be young has also reminded America of his high-school nickname, “McNasty.” Even before he was a brain-damaged old psychopath, McCain was a mean, angry creep. Let’s remember all the times Walnuts went nuts in public, so we can prepare for the inevitable campaign-trail explosion that will end his campaign to be America’s Oldest President. MORE »