Creepy old war-nut John McCain was just having some fun with old veterans today when he called Americans “my fellow prisoners.” Nap time, Walnuts! [JED REPORT]

Remember when John McCain’s favorite activity was getting a sponge bath from his adoring media followers? Well, now he is just a wretched angry old man with no honor and no supporters, because the media has turned on him! All because he lies about everything, and is senile! UNFAIR YOU ARE ALL IN THE TANK. Let’s watch his thing, together, and see how he finally reminds everyone that he was, of course, tortured, in the war, and it was painful. MORE »

GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. PAUL: “The Republican convention was a neat, quaint operation. Nobody expected anything flashy or fun or interesting, and nobody expected any answer to America’s economic and military collapse beyond an oft-told 40-year-old shaggy dog tale of an old man who crashed a plane into the village he was bombing, back when he was young, and his brave story of personal redemption as his father continued mercilessly killing the Vietnamese children for another five-and-a-half years.” [AOL Political Machine]

• BUT WHAT (100-YEAR-OLD DEAD) CELEBRITY IS McCAIN? Choose from several deceased people or psychotic 1940s cartoon characters with speech impediments! [Political Machine]

Oh, here’s John McCain in his yard, in Arizona, where he is personally pumping six gallons of crude per day to end our Dangerous Dependence on Arabs and Venezuelans. But it’s hard work, out in the sun, which is why McCain also spent the day shilling for one of his other corporate interests, Big Dermatology. MORE »

Few things brighten your Wonkette’s day more than a fresh new e-mail from McCain’s figurehead campaign manager, Rick Davis, announcing some lame new fundraising schtick. Today he informed us that the campaign would launch “McCain Aces II,” an exclusive club for rich Fat Cats who donate over $25. It’s a follow up to the original “McCain Aces” group that Davis claims was “popular,” even though that contradicts the basic fact that no one ever fucking knew it existed. MORE »

Why does Barack Obama hate the nation’s hard-working comedians, satirists and cartoonists? That’s the important question teevee-industry reporter Bill Carter is asking today, in a New York Times piece complaining that nobody can make fun of Hopey because of hope, change, and racial transcendence. Yet the rednecks and racists are free to peck out their ALL CAPS emails and blog comments about how Barack Hussein Osama and his wife Angela Davis the Black Terrorist will turn America into some unimaginable place where black people aren’t slaves. MORE »

It’s time to stop with all this “John McCain is from the 18th Century” nonsense, because the GOP nominee-to-be has now seen a computer and is quickly catching up with all the exciting technological developments of the past 45 years. MORE »

Have you noticed that Barack Obama’s hair is getting grayer? Because boy howdy these days he looks like the love child of Anderson Cooper and Donna Brazile. He is aging so rapidly that soon he will be older than John McCain. [TMZ, Politico]

Nobody is too enthused about this whole McCain deal, and time is slowing to a crawl as the Voting Public and News Media realize they need to pretend to care about this until a week after Halloween, which seems like 10,000,000 years away, and may never happen anyway, because of the Nuclear War with Iran or whatever Cheney’s working on, for an encore. But Juan McCain is out there all the time, presumably, doing things, campaigning to his constituency (in Mexico), etc. Let’s check in, because there has been a Campaign Shake Up!!! MORE »

So that’s why McCain’s campaign put that puke-green screen behind him during his cringe-inducing performance in New Orleans the night Obama won the nomination. Now, Creepy McCain’s “little whining troll” act can be “mashed up” into endless comical variations — Stephen Colbert has encouraged this, on the teevee. Join us for a children’s treasury of crappy YouTube variations, possibly culminating with Yoda McCain surrounded by his brothers, the Ewoks, as they sing “Th-that’s n-not ch-change we can b-believe in.” MORE »