Strife among the Olds! The principal actor in this particular Olds Drama, as in all Olds Dramas, is the elderly peacebomber John McCain, who is something like 87 years old. Standing opposite John McCain is the corrupt League of Olds, the AARP. Once friends, now foes, after the AARP recently *ruined everything* by endorsing ObamaCare, the chief tenet of which — and you can read this for yourself in plain language, on any number of Internet sites — is to kill white women and children over 65 years old. John McCain is so furious about this endorsement that he plans to use his powers as the elected President of the United States to bomb the AARP, so as to liberate it. MORE »

Everyone very loudly but gently say “congratulations” to Sen. Robert Byrd, who became the longest-serving lawmaker in the history of Congress today. He’s like, “I look forward to serving you for the next 56 years and 320 days,” which is very gracious! Here’s this video of Robert Byrd playing the ancient instrument of “fiddle” back in the 1870s, when people would watch other people do “fiddle” on teevee for enjoyment. It’s like eight minutes long though, so just as with any old person thing, you can get away with turning it off after like 24 seconds and then saying that you love it. [HuffPost]

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), a vestigial structure in the American political apparatus dating back to old times when people “stopped working” at a certain age and lived off of pensions (nowadays it’s more common to work forever, after Wall Street loots your life savings from the 401(k) it pushed you into), will supposedly be endorsing the super-communist House health care bill. Your death warrant’s signed, Granny! This is great news in that it gives us an excuse to link to this comical AARP article about old people sexting each other. “‘The next thing you know, you’ll get a picture of a breast,’ he says with a hearty laugh.” [AP, AARP]

Ha ha, we love it when situations call for WALNUTS! to become the voice of reason. Here is the exact question that this old lady, let’s call her “Medicare & Social Security Teat-Suckler #1,” poses to the Man Who Would Be President: “I would like to know how the president is getting by with all of this… money… it’s against the Constitution. Doesn’t he know that we still live under a Constitution?” [WILD APPLAUSE ERUPTS AFTER THIS DISASTROUS NONSENSE] Walnuts responds that, yes, he does know this [AUDIENCE: SMUG LAUGHTER] and even dares say that Obama respects the Constitution. The audience does not care for this sentiment. [YouTube]

Getting tired of THIS STUFF, aren’t you? Well, suck it up. At this point, we want to pressure Obama and Congress to incorporate as much rationing and Death Paneling as possible into a final health care bill, with very loose criteria. You’re eligible for Medicare, human? KILL. This will be the single determining criterion. It will save us so much money, for sexy parties. So along with the old racist up top, we will now present a few other candidates for Death Panels, from a recent town hall protest in Dallas. Thank you to operative “Lisa” for these freaking gross images. MORE »

RNC chairman Michael Steele — the “Republican Barack Obama,” because he is black — took to the pages of local war & murder digest The Washington Post yesterday to argue for “Seniors’ Bill of Rights” that included ten provisions reading, “Get Your Government Hands Off My Medicare And Guns.” It promised NO CUTS EVER in Medicare, especially none of these so-called “efficiency” cuts, where money is so-called “wasted” “under the current” “system.” It was the best political column since Robert Novak’s death. But today Michael Steele has, ho ho ho, directly contradicted himself, because he is not a good human being. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
It has come to our attention here at Cartoon Violence that many of you do not understand the difficult-to-understand details of the multiple mutually contradictory Obamacare plans currently weaving their way through the opaque, byzantine legislative process! This makes it more likely that you’ll fall for one of the terrible lies about health care reform that your aunt is sending you from her AOL address. In response, we have presented the only thing more convincing than an email that has been forwarded multiple times, with all the header information retained, and that’s a series of goofy cartoons! Once you read these and understand the truth, you are to call the CIA and have your aunt shipped to Bagram, at once. MORE »

Here we have a pretty normal news analysis of Joe Biden: he’s described as frank but endearing, a clown but a statesman, maybe less visible than other Obama staffers but nonetheless a valued member of the team, etc etc… SNOOZE. But! “Aides said he might go for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2016. He would be 74 upon taking office, but his staff insists that’s not too old.” Well, shucks! As long as his paid employees give him the (anonymous) go-ahead, then everything should be fine. Remember how America just elected the 72-year-old John McCain its oldest president ever? Exactly. [Los Angeles Times]

Well, it appears we have an answer to this morning’s burning question. The answer is: violent, insane mobs have overtaken every single political forum in the country — including one held at Brooklyn seniors’ center, where Rep. Anthony Weiner was nearly eated alive by a churlish group of anti-Communist mummies. MORE »

BARACK OBAMA SEXES UP THE OLDS, WITH HEALTH CARE! AARP, the shockingly powerful old-person lobby, is about to have Obama entertain the retired peoples with a live webchat! We cannot embed the video here, so go watch it with the early-bird dinner crowd and report back with spy info! It starts at 1:30 p.m. IT’S ON, LIVE, NOW! CALL IN! [AARP Barack Obama Q&A]

PREHISTORIC SPECIMEN CONFINED TO HOSPITAL: Ancient Robert Byrd is in the hospital battling a staph infection, which is precisely the sort of infection that old people tend to pick up in hospitals. SOMEBODY GET HIM OUT OF THAT SWAMP OF GERMS. P.S.: He is so very old. [Roll Call]