Wonkette

Few things brighten your Wonkette’s day more than a fresh new e-mail from McCain’s figurehead campaign manager, Rick Davis, announcing some lame new fundraising schtick. Today he informed us that the campaign would launch “McCain Aces II,” an exclusive club for rich Fat Cats who donate over $25. It’s a follow up to the original “McCain Aces” group that Davis claims was “popular,” even though that contradicts the basic fact that no one ever fucking knew it existed. MORE »

Why does Barack Obama hate the nation’s hard-working comedians, satirists and cartoonists? That’s the important question teevee-industry reporter Bill Carter is asking today, in a New York Times piece complaining that nobody can make fun of Hopey because of hope, change, and racial transcendence. Yet the rednecks and racists are free to peck out their ALL CAPS emails and blog comments about how Barack Hussein Osama and his wife Angela Davis the Black Terrorist will turn America into some unimaginable place where black people aren’t slaves. MORE »

It’s time to stop with all this “John McCain is from the 18th Century” nonsense, because the GOP nominee-to-be has now seen a computer and is quickly catching up with all the exciting technological developments of the past 45 years. MORE »

Have you noticed that Barack Obama’s hair is getting grayer? Because boy howdy these days he looks like the love child of Anderson Cooper and Donna Brazile. He is aging so rapidly that soon he will be older than John McCain. [TMZ, Politico]

Nobody is too enthused about this whole McCain deal, and time is slowing to a crawl as the Voting Public and News Media realize they need to pretend to care about this until a week after Halloween, which seems like 10,000,000 years away, and may never happen anyway, because of the Nuclear War with Iran or whatever Cheney’s working on, for an encore. But Juan McCain is out there all the time, presumably, doing things, campaigning to his constituency (in Mexico), etc. Let’s check in, because there has been a Campaign Shake Up!!! MORE »

So that’s why McCain’s campaign put that puke-green screen behind him during his cringe-inducing performance in New Orleans the night Obama won the nomination. Now, Creepy McCain’s “little whining troll” act can be “mashed up” into endless comical variations — Stephen Colbert has encouraged this, on the teevee. Join us for a children’s treasury of crappy YouTube variations, possibly culminating with Yoda McCain surrounded by his brothers, the Ewoks, as they sing “Th-that’s n-not ch-change we can b-believe in.” MORE »

Our girlfriend Peggy Noonan has been more enjoyable than usual this year, as a tragically drawn-out Democratic primary battle provided her with endless opportunities to touch herself while Barack Obama spoke pretty things, and to then guiltily wash her hands and realize that Obama was, in fact, the Democrat and not Ronald Reagan and, indeed, kind of “multicultural,” if you get our drift. But all that tortured eloquence has vanished from Peggy’s column, because the oxycontin/vodka cocktail hit hard as soon as she finished typing the relatively sane setup of today’s “Declarations.” MORE »

REPEAL THE 19th AMENDMENT! That old white lady at Salon says we all better start being nice to the “washed up old white women” who lost with Hillary. [Salon]

OBVIOUS HUMOR EXPLAINED: An important Scientific Study reveals that sarcasm is actually a form of mind-reading, so congratulations Wonkette fans, you get a BIG GOLD STAR for your paranormal brilliance. [NYT]

Barbara Walters is so senile that she can’t remember hosting her ladies teevee show, The View, with Barack Obama. [Comedy Central]