Tag Archives: old handsome joe biden

  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel Watches The Joe Biden Senate Show, Because We Forgot To

There were too many 'manic Rachel' images to choose from today
Congress is back in session, and Rachel Maddow couldn’t be more delighted with the first-day weirdness. There’s Joe Biden being the most Joe Biden he ever gets, greeting the new Senate and swearing everybody in. While there was no Ted Cruz’s Jerk Baby this term, Joe did say some completely incomprehensible stuff, and also accidentally spat out the remnants of a mint while talking. Everyone was just adorable. Read more on Morning Maddow: Rachel Watches The Joe Biden Senate Show, Because We Forgot To…
  you know you want it

Old Handsome Joe Biden Has Ten Percent Chance Of Becoming Earth’s Most Important Human Tonight

Every once in a while, some lucky American who is not the president gets to be The Most Important Human Being On Earth. For a while, it was Olympia Snowe! Sometimes, it was that schmuck from Nebraska, Ben something, fuck that guy. After tonight though, there is a 10 percent chance it will be our own true forever love, Old Handsome Joe Biden. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Has Ten Percent Chance Of Becoming Earth’s Most Important Human Tonight…
  If 'Bitch' Is Even A Swear (Which It Isn't)

Old Handsome Joe Biden Said Another Swear!

When caffeine gets drowsy, it takes a little Joe Biden
Prepare for some pissing and moaning, probably, over Old Handsome Joe Biden just being Old Handsome Joe Biden again: Thursday, at a Harvard event, His Handsomeness said a swear, kinda-sorta: “Isn’t it a bitch, I mean … that vice president thing?” Biden joked, as the audience reportedly erupted with laughter. ”I’m joking. I’m joking. I’m joking. The best decision I ever made.” All of which leads one to wonder, once more, what Old Handsome Joe Biden has against dogs, like that time he just cold killed one. (OK, his motorcade did. Still, he’s a monster.) Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Said Another Swear!…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart: F-ck You, Shakespeare, F-ck You. (Video)

Really, who *hasn't* wanted to yell 'Fuck you, Shakepeare!' at one time or another?
Like Yr Wonkette, Jon Stewart has a soft spot for Old Handsome Joe Biden, that loveable cutup and advocate for victims of domestic violence. But golly, OHJB can put his foot in it, can’t he? Like how he referred to bankers who foreclosed on homes during the financial crisis as “Shylocks” the other day (oh, come on, Joe!). This also gave Stewart the chance to give Shakespeare the “Fuck you!” he’d been waiting 400 years to deliver. Then, fresh off apologizing for the “Shylocks” remark, America’s Goofy Uncle referred to Asia as “the Orient,” which is not the preferred nomenclature, Dude. “Orient? Shylock? It’s like Biden hasn’t been out of the house since 1962!” Read more on Jon Stewart: F-ck You, Shakespeare, F-ck You. (Video)…
  Are You Gonna Be His Girl?

Old Handsome Joe Biden Will Work For You Baby (And Work You, And Work You) Until You Succumb

Well, here is an afternoon Joe Biden Treat! Watch what happens when a woman refuses to succumb to Joe Biden’s charms because of how she is literally 108 years old, and not like Joe Biden means “literally.” Has any man ever been so constant in his attention, so single-minded in his pursuit, so not taking your 108-year-old disinterest in him for an answer? No. No man ever has. He’s got presents to ply you with, just little tokens to remind you of his intentions. He’ll play the clown if it will just light up your 108-year-old eyes with a smile. He’ll plant one on you, boy howdy, will he ever, real soft and real sweet. No, no woman is safe from a man like Joe Biden, especially not a two-time Bronze Star winner who’s got a picture of “younger, handsomer” presidents in her bedroom. Old Handsome Joe Biden is not stepping back from your challenge, oldest-living-female-veteran Lucy Coffey. And that other guy? He may be the “president,” but he’ll never work so hard to win you as dogged, scuffed-up prizefighter Scranton Joe. He’s the one who loves you. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Will Work For You Baby (And Work You, And Work You) Until You Succumb…
  Joe Biden Swimming Deserves a Quiet Night

Old Naked Joe Biden

On clser examination, that's not OHJB doing the backstroke in a pool
The New York Daily News has the scoop on a new book that uncovers (Ha! Ha!) Old Handsome Joe Biden’s habit of swimming nude, just like John Quincy Adams, except not in the Potomac, so no lady reporters can sit on his clothes to get an exclusive interview. According to Wall Street Journal reporter Ronald Kessler’s The First Family Detail: Secret Service Agents Reveal the Hidden Lives of the Presidents, out later this week, Secret Service agents are a bit squicked out by the Vice President’s swimming attire: Read more on Old Naked Joe Biden…
  dancin' fool

Old Handsome Joe Biden Can’t Take Teen To Prom, Sends Corsage And Undersecretary Of Commerce Instead

Talia Maselli of Newington, Connecticut, is officially Yr. Wonkette’s favorite teen of the day, because of her excellent taste in men. Last fall, she sent a prom invitation to her ideal date: Old Handsome Joe Biden. Smart girl, thinks ahead. Unfortunately the Veep couldn’t make it, even after this seemingly irresistible pitch: “I am inviting you so far in advance because I’m sure many 17-year-old girls send you prom invitations, and I had to beat them to it … I could only tolerate a high school dance if I was to be escorted by the most delightful man in America.” And if Biden didn’t go, she might ask out John Boehner instead, she said. “And we can’t have that now can we?” Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Can’t Take Teen To Prom, Sends Corsage And Undersecretary Of Commerce Instead…
  that's so biden

Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Yell At Rapists (Video)

The White House has released a report on campus sex assault, which is good because apparently we forgot to Take Back the Night at Occidental, and Patrick Henry, and, hmmm, all the other colleges and universities in the entire land. Luckily, here is Joe Biden to YELL AT RAPISTS AND DOMESTIC ABUSERS. Let’s watch, together! Read more on Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Yell At Rapists (Video)…
  fa fa fa fashion

Joe Biden, Fashion Do

Instagram, it’s this thing. We do not actually know what it is, you look at other people’s lunch? And old pictures of Joe Biden and Chris Christie, who, judging by babby (and we are not being sizeist here, just historical-minded), seems to have begun his weight gain as sympathy bloat? How undapper and unstyley he appears next to old handsome Senator Joe Biden, who is rocking a turtleneck with total confidence, like he is on his way to drink Courvoisier with the honeys on the yacht. Senator Joe Biden, Mr. Good Times. Let us see some more Joe, schooling us all on “fashion.” Read more on Joe Biden, Fashion Do…
  dumb jerks

Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People

Joe Biden, he’s this guy. He’s a big dumb jerk of a guy who thinks illegal immigrants are “American,” as even if. “Eleven million people living in the shadows I believed are already American citizens,” Biden said. “These people are just waiting, waiting for a chance to be able to contribute fully, and by that standard, 11 million undocumented aliens are already Americans in my view.” Then there was a bunch of nonsense about “Teddy Roosevelt,” and “courage” and “a decent chance” for their children, some of whom are already citizens just because they were born here, as if that is even fair. Luckily, the commenters at CNS were there to set dumb jerk Joe Biden straight. Read more on Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People…
  wonkette brings you the hard news

Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster

It is a bit quiet news-wise today, so let us talk about Roger Ailes’ dick. Oh sure, we could talk about any other subject under the sun besides Roger Ailes’ dick. The terrible cold weather, the latest slap on the wrist for JPMorgan, S.E. Cupp taking the early lead for dumbest column any pundit will write in 2014. But are any of those subjects really more interesting than Roger Ailes’ dick? We think the question answers itself. Here is why we are thinking about Roger Ailes’ dick. The New York Times got its hands on a copy of Gabriel Sherman’s new biography of the walking tub of chicken fat and his dick, and one of the funnier stories involves Randi Anderson, a television producer who went to work for CNBC when Ailes was running that channel twenty years ago. Anderson alleges that Ailes offered her an extra $100 a week to have sex with him whenever he wanted. Because when you are Roger Ailes, you are entitled to an in-house concubine at your office, even if you want to pay well below what we imagine was the market rate for a prostitute in New York City in the early 1990s. Read more on Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster…
  who's on top?

Weekly Standard: Barack Obama And Joe Biden Held Hands So They Are Definitely Doing Gay Sex In Each Other’s Bottoms

ZOMG you guys, the Weekly Standard has proof Barack Obama and Old Handsome Joe Biden are doing gay sex in each other’s bottoms, like we just said in the headline. Are you ready? Are you ready for this terrible proof? ARE YOU SURE????? Okay then. Follow us after the jump to see the SHOCKING EXPOSE that is the entirety of the Weekly Standard’s post on this SHOCKINGLY EXPOSED topic! Read more on Weekly Standard: Barack Obama And Joe Biden Held Hands So They Are Definitely Doing Gay Sex In Each Other’s Bottoms…
  who loves you baby?

Your Evening Nice Time Open Thread: Old Handsome Joe Biden Handles Your Muffins

See this Washington Post video? It is not all that great. You don’t have to actually click on it. But you COULD. I mean, we are not telling you not to. It’s just that we wanted to bring you that AP photo right at the beginning from the time we saw it this morning, but there was just one small problem: It is an AP photo. Can your Wonket afford AP photos? HAHAHAHA DON’T BE RIDICULOSE. As commenter DesignerRants (we think it was DesignerRants) said once, when we mentioned our therapist, “Therapist? What is even next, a ride to the moon with fellow billionaire Richard Branson???” Anyway, that is about what it costs to get photos from AP. Read more on Your Evening Nice Time Open Thread: Old Handsome Joe Biden Handles Your Muffins…
  and later a ride in the trans am

Happy Birthday, Dr. Jill Biden! How Will You Celebrate? Wow, Really?

Happy Birthday, Second Lady Jill Biden! You’re an accomplished educator (yay for you and high school English teachers* everywhere!), an advocate for community colleges and for military families, a Blue Star Mother, an advocate and  fund-raiser for breast cancer research, and according to the Infallible Font of All Knowledge, your stint as an adjunct prof at Northern Virginia Community College makes you probably “the first Second Lady to hold a paying job while her husband is Vice President,” which ought to be good for a trivia contest somewhere. We bet you hate grading papers as much as anyone else. But none of that impressive stuff is especially funny, so here’s that video where you just can’t stop breaking into giggles because once a dick joke is part of the conversation, everything sounds like a dick joke. Man, we know a thing or two about that, too! Read more on Happy Birthday, Dr. Jill Biden! How Will You Celebrate? Wow, Really?…
  winner winner chicken dinner

Here Are Your Joe Biden/Jessica Biel/Justin Timberlake Sexy Caption Contest Winners!

Today we challenged you — CHALLENGED YOU — by explaining how, despite how erudite and witty you are, as soon as we give you a caption contest YOU ARE TEH SUCK. Oh, do you disagree? Then go look at the captions in our previous caption contest, for which THERE WAS NO WINNER, only EVERLASTING SHAME. Read more on Here Are Your Joe Biden/Jessica Biel/Justin Timberlake Sexy Caption Contest Winners!…
  crazy train

Apparently There Is Nothing Left To Be Mad About: Sean Hannity Jumps On Obama Daughters Vacation Train

Oh this is cute. Fox News sort of Democrat person Kirsten Powers tries to tell Sean Hannity he is “insane” for being mad that the Obama daughters went on vacation. “That’s insane?” he asks. “No, that’s MY money. Arglebargle WHITE HOUSE TOUUUUUUURSSSSSS.” He also jumps all over Dumb Stupid Jerk Joe Biden for going to “luxurious” South Carolina for golfs. On a weekend. BENGHALFZIIIIIIII!!!1! Read more on Apparently There Is Nothing Left To Be Mad About: Sean Hannity Jumps On Obama Daughters Vacation Train…
  off with his head

Newsmax Shocker: Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Slept In Hotel, Is Your New Marie Antoinette

Go to the kitchen and fix some macaroni and cut-up hot dog’s, Michelle Obama, there is a new Marie Antoinette in town running up shocking tabs on the taxpayers’ dime — one hundred million dimes? One thousand dimes? Somewhere in between? MATH. And that someone is Old Handsome Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden, who thinks that just because he is the “vice president” of the “United States” and he is going to Europe to “meet with” David Cameron in London and do something in Paris (“surrender,” probably), he gets to stay in a hotel. What the fuck dude, too good for Airbnb? Read more on Newsmax Shocker: Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Slept In Hotel, Is Your New Marie Antoinette…
  boning in the boneyard

Let’s Talk About The President’s Sex Life!

Does anybody here think newly resworn President Barack Hussein Obama is giving it to his beautiful wife like a husband should? (Or like our generous Wonkers would, so selflessly?) Does anybody here think newly resworn President Barack Hussein Obama is, say, puttin’ it to his wife like Old Handsome Joe Biden puts it to Dr. Jill? Exhibit A: Above is Dr. Jill Biden giving Joe “the eyes.” As we learned from Caity Weaver of Gawker, discussing the eyefucking ol’ Barack got from America’s new mom, the Thai prime minister, “the eyes” are a way of “subtly” telling someone, “‘I want to fuck you, bareback, maybe weird stuff,’ though she probably also said that un-subtly, with words.” Exhibit B: Read more on Let’s Talk About The President’s Sex Life!…
  We Still Call It Price Club So Get Off Our Lawn

Sad Slob Mitt Romney Just Deliberately Messing With Our Heads Now

Hey, remember that Mitt Romney guy? Yeah, us neither, really, but apparently he was expecting to be president, since it was his birthright or something? And now, he’s just wandering around in a sad daze, with only his hundreds of millions of dollars for company. Poor dude. So like any US American who’s feeling a little down, he went shopping. And, apparently because he is something of a masochist, he went to CostCo, inviting mocking comparisons to Old Handsome Joe Biden, who recently pushed a cart around at the very same discount warehouse chain for the good of the economy. Read more on Sad Slob Mitt Romney Just Deliberately Messing With Our Heads Now…