Tag Archives: old handsome joe

  Sins Of The Son

Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine

Having the Royal Navy bring him the stuff was probably a mistake on his part
Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter was discharged from the Navy Reserve in February of this year after failing a drug test for cocaine, according to the Wall Street Journal. It’s a sad story, and pretty unremarkable, but thank god, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet, Gateway Pundit’s Kristinn Taylor, was able to find a way to make it a symptom of Joe Biden’s duplicity: Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine…
  take the money and run

Glenn Beck Discovers Nefarious Government Plot To Return Unclaimed Property To Rightful Owners

It’s a day ending in -y, so you better bet Glenn Beck is out there whipping people into a frenzy over completely made-up shit. Seriously, what is it like to be that paranoid all the time? It must be weird to live with the constant certainty that every mundane occurrence is actually the government generally or Barack Obama personally coming for you and your stuff. Today’s scaremongering came with this SHOCKING HEADLINE: “This happened: Government confiscates money from a member of Glenn’s staff.” Yes, that totally makes it sound as if rando dude that works with Glenn Beck, Joe Kerry, had some jackbooted thugs come take his money away so they could give it right to Sasha and Malia, but you don’t need us to tell you that’s some straight up nonsense. Read more on Glenn Beck Discovers Nefarious Government Plot To Return Unclaimed Property To Rightful Owners…
  you try being funny about this

Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People

So we were thinking this HuffPo article could not possibly be real, because this is the sort of shit that only happens on teevee when there was always one of the terrible caricatures of “liberal judges” on “Law and Order,” but unless Delaware now has its own not funny super depressing version of The Onion, this shit totally happened: super rich du Pont heir dude Robert H. Richards IV did not see one minute of jail time for sexually assaulting an infant, because he wouldn’t fare well in prison. The light sentence was hush hush for several years, but has just come to light in a lawsuit filed by Richards’s ex-wife. In related news, everything is awful. Read more on Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People…
  make it work

Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes

We usually don’t get around to praising Laura Bush much in these parts. Our feelings on her tend to run the gamut from “meh” to “oh, do shut up.” But we are pretty into her latest interview, where she says that she would be totally down with scrutinizing a future First Gentleman the way we now dissect everything that FLOTUS wears, what makeup she rocks, and how she gets her hair did. Former first lady Laura Bush proposed that the future first gentleman should get the same scrutiny about his looks and style as first ladies have faced in recent decades. Asked in a recent C-SPAN interview whether the media focuses too much on the first lady’s hair, makeup and clothes, Bush said, “Yes. For sure.” “But I don’t think we can get around it. Maybe when we finally have a first gentleman,” she said. The interview was taped for C-SPAN’s continuing First Ladies series and airs Monday. “And maybe we should be that way about the first gentlemen, also, really critique the way they look all the time. Their choice of tie, or their hair style. Whatever. Or maybe their weight,” she said. Read more on Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes…
  misty watercolor memories

Larry Klayman Was Very Excellent At Being Larry Klayman In 2013: A Retrospective

Did you know that when Yr Wonket counts its blessings, we count Larry Klayman first and always? You probably did not know this, but it is god’s own truth, because if there were no Larry Klayman, there would be so much less Wonket. For real, we wrote about Larry Klayman like a dozen times this year, and that only includes the times that Larry Klayman was the subject of the post rather than a bit of derp in passing. He’s a one-man litigation tornado whirlwind hurricane force of nature, and he has the great good fortune to behave remarkably stupidly even when he is not lawyering. Let’s take a fond look back at the year in Larry, shall we? Read more on Larry Klayman Was Very Excellent At Being Larry Klayman In 2013: A Retrospective…
  articulate and bright and clean

Old Handsome Joe Biden Asks If Japanese Ladies’ Husbands Gave Them Permission To Get Jerbs

Oh, golly, Old Handsome Joe… You know, we get you, but not everybody gets you. You understand we literally love you to death, but sometimes, you sort of literally put your foot in your mouth? Like during this meeting with five women at Japanese internet concern DeNA, where you asked the three married gals, “Do your husbands like you working full time?” We get what you meant, of course — the White House pool report said that the point of the visit was to emphasize “the need to integrate more women in the workforce,” and so the question was aimed at showing that family and work aren’t incompatible, but that’s not how it came out, exactly. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Asks If Japanese Ladies’ Husbands Gave Them Permission To Get Jerbs…
  dial m for mayor

Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually

Old Handsome Joe Biden accidentally called the wrong Martin Walsh Tuesday night to congratulate him on being elected Mayor of Boston. Instead of reaching the new mayor, OHJB called a former Ted Kennedy staffer with the same name, starting the conversation with a friendly “You son of a gun, Marty! You did it!” After Walsh cleared up the mistake, the two chatted a bit, and Biden then called the right Martin Walsh and left a congratulatory voicemail. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually…
  sweet john

‘Nice John McCain’ Temporarily In Charge, Compliments Hillary & Biden; Surly Johnny Hungers To Taste Flesh Once More

Oh, hey, it’s “Statesman McCain” today! In Chicago today, Walnuts said that he believed that Hillary Clinton would make a “very strong candidate” for the 2016 Democratic nomination: I don’t think there’s any doubt she has widespread support. Her work as secretary of state, with the exception of this issue of Benghazi — which isn’t going away — I think has been outstanding. I think she would be viewed by anyone, Republican or Democrat, as a very formidable candidate for 2016.” We’d like to imagine that at the mention of the magic word “Benghazi” the senator experienced a momentary facial tic as Angry Petulant McCain briefly took control, only to be stifled by the Elder Statesman. We’re pretty sure he’s still in there, just waiting for a chance to break free and transform into the Incredible Sulk. Give him a day or two. Read more on ‘Nice John McCain’ Temporarily In Charge, Compliments Hillary & Biden; Surly Johnny Hungers To Taste Flesh Once More…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile

Welcome to a Gummint Shutdown Edition of the Derp Roundup, your weekly accumulation of asinine asshattery from the aether that was too stoopid to ignore completely but that we weren’t inclined to waste a full-length post on. To start off, let’s do a little bit of mythbusting! We caught Tucker Carlson’s Home for Lying Liars in a bit of a lie! On Wednesday, the Daily Caller proclaimed, based on a single photograph apparently, that Washington DC’s monuments and memorials were all kept open during the 1995/96 shutdowns: The administration’s decision to barricade the Lincoln Memorial marks the first time in its history the memorial has been totally off limits to visitors during a shutdown. As proof, they offer a photo of the interior of the Lincoln Memorial in 1995, showing that the information booth was closed, but tourists were still able to enter the memorial. It took us all of seven minutes,* however, to find this photo from the Denver Post showing a Park Service Police officer standing in front of a completely closed Lincoln Memorial on November 15, 1995. The AP slideshow also includes a photo of the fenced-off National Christmas Tree — with nary a single Republican congresscritter tearing down the fence while decrying Bill Clinton’s War on Christmas. And the Washington Post also has a photo of tourists leaving the Lincoln Memorial as it was being closed down on November 14. So, yeah, Daily Caller — utterly unprecedented.** At least they didn’t argue that Clinton never closed the World War II memorial in 1995-96.*** Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile…
  so simple a republican could do it

Old Handsome Joe Biden Slanders Neanderthals With Comparison To VAWA Opponents

Your Old Handsome Joe Biden hurt some sensitive fee-fees Thursday when he compared Republicans who held back reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act to early hominids, calling them “this sort of Neanderthal crowd” in the House. Advocates for the Neanderthal community were quick to point out that they were actually much nicer than House Republicans. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Slanders Neanderthals With Comparison To VAWA Opponents…
  ugly kid joe

White House Telegraphs Support For Egyptian Military; Tweets Picture Of Joe Biden With Joe Camel

What is going on here, HENGHHH? On the day we get news that at least 95 people have been bathed in their own blood by the Egyptian military, the White House tweets this bizarre picture of our own Old Handsome Joe Biden laughing at a camel. Even more terribly, Joe Biden looks like a Make-A-Wish child, or a Progeria boy. :( Read more on White House Telegraphs Support For Egyptian Military; Tweets Picture Of Joe Biden With Joe Camel…
  like you wouldn't

GQ Reporter Gets Some Old Man Biden On Her, Will Have All His Babbies Now

Hey, whatcha reading? Oh, something besides this GQ story about Old Handsome Joe Biden, God Bless Him and Keep Him? Why are you so dumb? Here, let us read, together, the things in Jeanne Marie Laskas’s profile that will make you most want to crawl into Joe’s lap and … well, that’s all. Just the things that will make you most want to crawl into his lap. You know, as opposed to every other day on this planet. WHAT? Read more on GQ Reporter Gets Some Old Man Biden On Her, Will Have All His Babbies Now…
  trial of the century

Larry Klayman’s Out Of Order! You’re Out Of Order! This Whole Trial Is Out Of Order!

Do you remember when you were young and you played…well, whatever the hell imaginary thing you played? Dress-up, tea party (no, not that kind), transformers, whatthefuckever? You probably grew out of that by, say, college, because then girls (or boys! or whoever!) started looking at you a little weird. This is not true if you are Wonkette’s favorite attorney, Larry Klayman. On the heels of such smash hits as losing a lawsuit against Rachel Maddow really bad for her crime of quoting his client Bradlee Dean and racesplainin’ that Obama wants to kill all the white people, Klayman is back, motherfuckers, with a toe tapper called “My Imaginary Grand Jury Just Indicted Obama.” Hit it! Read more on Larry Klayman’s Out Of Order! You’re Out Of Order! This Whole Trial Is Out Of Order!…
  Wingnuts Outraged

Now It Is Dumb Stupid Jerk Joe Biden Who Keeps Going On Vacation

You guys, we are sorry to have to report this, but it seems your precious little boyfriend, one “Dumb Stupid Jerk Joe Biden,” has been going on vacation. While the Yahoo commenters among us make do with their Valentine’s dinners of cut up hot dog’s and anniversary gifts of a punch to the nads and a punch to the muffin, Joe Biden has gone on vacation every time there has been a holiday weekend this year! That is like 12 DAYS he has been on vacation! (On weekends.) (He went to Colorado, and the US Virgin Islands, and “luxurious” South Carolina.) (Again, on weekends.) (Because he is not supposed to travel around the United States, we guess.) (Because BENGHAZIIIIII White House Tours.) Let us hear more of this terrible scandal, that we may in an unbiased and very fair manner make up our minds to BURN THE WITCH. Read more on Now It Is Dumb Stupid Jerk Joe Biden Who Keeps Going On Vacation…
  sometimes a slap's like a kiss

No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)

The sophisticated gentlemens of National Review Online are really, most terribly sorry for maligning our Old Handsome Joe Biden, God Love Him and Keep Him. But why are they sorry? They are sorry they are so bad at Tubechop that it was even clear to BreitbartTV that they had cut him off in the middle of the sentence. And that sentence was: We’ve learned that certain behaviors on the part of an abuser portend much more danger than other behaviors. For example, if an abuser has attempted to strangle his victim, if he has threatened to shoot her, if he has sexually assaulted her, and there’s a number of other signs, about eight others. These are tell-tale signs to say this isn’t your garden-variety slap across the face[.] Obviously, they left off the part where Joe winks, flashes those pearly whites, and murmurs huskily, “unless she’s into that.” Haha, no, he did not say that either. He said some dumb boring thing about “and that’z not okay.” Read more on No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)…
  ooh la la

Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s

Wonkers, please to have your Official Reminder that if you want romantic panties (with teeth!) for your damsel for Valentine’s Day, you must order them by anytime tomorrow (Thursday, we guess), in order to get them on time through the US Mails. All right! Good post! Let’s look at what else you can buy for your sweetheart! Read more on Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s…
  this is the greatest and classiest fan-fic

Why Spend $17.95 On ‘Erotic’ Obama Fan-Fic, When You Can Get Your Cow At Wonket For Free?

National Review Online informs us we can buy “erotic” “fan-fiction” about Barack and Michelle Obama for the low low price of just $17.95. Fuck that. “Hello baby,” said Barack Obama to his wife, Michelle Obama. Barack Obama was the president of the United States, and his wife, Michelle Obama, was the First Lady of the United States, because that is how it works in America, it is not like in England where Camilla Parker-Bowles does not get to be queen when her husband becomes the king, who knows why, because she wasn’t a virgin or something? Anyway, weird. Barack Obama continued talking to his wife, Michelle Obama. “Come here and let me put my penis in you,” he said. “Oh Barack Obama,” said Michelle Obama. “I love it when you put your penis in me. I love it when we do sex, with our penises and our vaginas.” Read more on Why Spend $17.95 On ‘Erotic’ Obama Fan-Fic, When You Can Get Your Cow At Wonket For Free?…