Wonkette

Here’s a snippet of President Bush’s fun press conference today, which Sara aptly described as “a portrait of a man slowly losing what’s left of his mind after eight years of exhaustion and failure.” MORE »

President George Bush Jr. today lifted the executive ban on domestic offshore drilling for oil and natural gas, the same ban that his liberal father instituted 20-ish years ago. Take that, old retreating hack! But before the oil companies can start drilling off of your dock, Congress must lift its ban. Well that should be tough! We predict that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will whine about this for a good week, maybe 10 days, but should have a piece of drilling legislation ready for Bush’s Rose Garden signin’ desk by next Friday. [Bloomberg]

Oil hit a new record price today, hooray! It briefly touched $146.23 a barrel before settling down to the much more normal price of, er, $145.85. A gallon of gasoline is averaging $4.09 in the patriotic United States — with D.C. at $4.16, New York at $4.30 and West Coast prices over $4.50. Why do they keep going up, up, up? Because some goddamned Christians are showing up at gas stations and praying, that’s why. MORE »

In today’s edition of Wonkette Economic Newz(TM), the economy grew by 1% in Q1 2008!!!! The original estimate was still an awesome 0.9%, which was awesomer than Q4 2007’s 0.6%, which was awesome too because HOW CAN A PERFECT ECONOMY EVEN GROW AT ALL? Also, the Dow is down like 300 points and Oil is over $140/barrel and Congress has renamed our economy “Jesus’ Money Thing” because why not. [AP, AP]

“One more hit, baby. Just one more toke on the ole oil pipe. … Give me one more pop from that drill, please, baby. Just one more transfusion of that sweet offshore crude.” PUT THAT AWAY. [New York Times]

A Wonkette Senate operative has informed us that Idaho Sen. Larry Craig is on the Senate floor now, and “he’s talking about the ‘Craig Does Act,’ and said ‘we adjusted ourselves a little bit’ referencing ‘the no zone’ as well.” Yes folks, it’s true: Larry Craig is a major player in Congressional efforts to end the ban on domestic drilling (for oil), with his very special “Craig D.O.E.S. Act,” which seeks to alleviate “Pain at the Pump.” Craig reasons that once America gets used to being drilled, the pumps won’t be as painful. [Sen. Larry Craig]

Gay Florida Gov. Charlie Crist has been actively opposed to drilling for oil off of Florida’s coast his entire political career. Many Florida politicians oppose it, in fact! Short version: it ruins the environment which would ruin tourism. Long version: “It would harm beaches vital to the state’s tourism economy and interfere with weapons testing and training in and over the Gulf of Mexico by Florida military bases.” So basically Charlie Crist has always opposed offshore oil drilling due to some postmodern, “green” interpretation of the military-industrial complex. But now that John McCain wants to lift the ban on offshore drilling, the veep-hunting Crist has suddenly decided that WE MUST ABSOLUTELY DRILL OFFSHORE, because of poor people and “states’ rights.” Seven whore diamonds. [AP]

While Hillary Clinton remains hidden in a secret Polynesian island bunker, where she drinks single malt scotch and eats artichoke hearts prepared by a cadre of Gypsy slaves all day long, she is still somehow doing her job as a fake Senator. Today she, along with fellow New York Senator Chuck Schumer and some Congressman, introduced an act of legislation to name U.S. Route 20A — in Buffalo — the “Timothy J. Russert Highway.” Because Tim Russert would have done the same thing. MORE »

The saddest part about Tim Russert’s death last Friday was not that he was young. It’s that he never got to stick it to those damn liberal tree-fuckers who don’t want to drill America’s coasts for sweet, sweet Texas Tea! Such was the extrapolation of Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) yesterday on the House floor. Do those elite big city fairies think that “Lil’ Russ” liked paying $5 a gallon for gas? He definitely did not! And while we’re at it, how can those Democrats go around killing babies when Tim Russert is also dead? [Think Progress, YouTube]

Many of you may be aware that gas prices are rising about 20 cents a week, causing much despair among Average Americans. John McCain found the perfect anti-solution for this energy Depression, in which the price of crude oil is reaching $120 a barrel, in his hilarious tax plan (the other aspects of which include slashing corporate taxes from 35% to 25%, eliminating the alternative minimum tax entirely thus re-opening old loopholes for the wealthy, and making the Bush tax cuts permanent — all of which will be balanced by the elimination of like $200 million in earmarks). McCain proposes a “gas tax holiday” — a break from the current 18.4-cent gas tax between Memorial Day and Labor Day — and Hillary Clinton has announced she is all for it as well. Barack Obama isn’t. Every. Single. Economist. Agrees with Barack Obama — even the conservatives and Hillary’s favorite Paul Krugman! MORE »