Tag Archives: oil spill

  We all got slimed

Congrats, Santa Barbara! You Got Oiled By One Of America’s Slimiest Pipeline Companies!

You can still see some sand, so it's not that bad.
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, oil industry nastiness, and coastal sliming. So here’s the good news about Tuesday’s oil spill in Santa Barbara County, California: It’s nothing compared to the 1969 offshore drilling accident that fouled hundreds of square miles of ocean. That one was the third-worst oil spill in U.S. history, while Tuesday’s spill was a mere wet fart of a spill, with only about 105,000 gallons of oil spilled, of which a piddling 21,000 gallons went into the coastal waters. (There, that’s our “minimizing disaster” tryout for the Heartland Institute blogging job. Wish us luck!) Read more on Congrats, Santa Barbara! You Got Oiled By One Of America’s Slimiest Pipeline Companies!…
  Here Comes The Choo-Choo Train...Uh-Oh

Exploding Train Brings Fresh Infusion Of Burning Toxic Sludge To West Virginia

Oh, that North Dakota Oil Boom
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, pipeline disasters, oil train explosions, and ironic locales If nothing else, you have to appreciate the poetry of where the latest oil train derailment and explosion happened Monday: Mount Carbon, West Virginia. Given the affinity of West Virginia politicians for the precious coal industry and its money, that might be an imperative, not a place name. Read more on Exploding Train Brings Fresh Infusion Of Burning Toxic Sludge To West Virginia…
  Supreme Court set to rule on flying death robot marriage soon

Friendly Flying Death Robots And Mystery Bird-Killing Gunk: Your Life-Sucking Environment Roundup!

This week in environment news, California officials are baffled by some mysterious black gunk that kills waterfowl, while techbros in North Carolina and Mexico try to make sure that Skynet happens before we destroy the entire planet. Read more on Friendly Flying Death Robots And Mystery Bird-Killing Gunk: Your Life-Sucking Environment Roundup!…
  Two Live Crude

Shell To Pay Nigeria $83.5 Million For Oil Spills, Instead Of Original $6000 Offer (Not A Typo)

You now have the Narwhal Song going through your head. You are welcome.
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of Oil Spills, Oil Drilling, Oil Corruption, and Pathetic Compensation Offers From Oil Companies. Here’s a sort-of Nice Time story. Royal Dutch Shell, the international giant that makes life better all over the world by keeping us safe from marauding polar bears and painful sunburns that might result from going to clean beaches, has agreed to pay out £55 million (about $83.5 million) to a Nigerian fishing community that it pretty much made uninhabitable with two huge oil spills in 2008: Read more on Shell To Pay Nigeria $83.5 Million For Oil Spills, Instead Of Original $6000 Offer (Not A Typo)…
  drill baby drill

BP Chief To Gulf States: Suck It, Losers

This post made possible by the Patty Dumpling Endowment for Oil Spill Blogging and Bait Shop. Are there business courses specifically geared to teaching you to be a corporate dick? If there are, we have a candidate to teach a masters-level class, perhaps titled “Advanced Assholery and Dickishness in a Post-Modern American South.” Class, meet your new guru, John Minge, chairman and president of BP America. Minge is taking dickishness to a new level by trying to back out of paying claims for that teeny tiny little oil ‘spill’ that happened in the Gulf of Mexico a few years back. Read more on BP Chief To Gulf States: Suck It, Losers…
  root of all evil

Human-Shaped Bag Of Greed BP Exec Will Have To Pay Monies To Government For Profiting From Oil Spill

This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair For Oil Spill Blogging And Insider Trading. Sometimes we reach the end of the week and it is so hard to decide who the biggest asshole of the past seven days might have been. Was it the “performance artist” that thought it would be cool to attention whore by putting a backpack at the Boston Marathon finish line, thus bringing people to a terrified standstill yet again? How about the Missouri mayor who thought that the Kansas City shooter had some pretty neato ideas about Jews? Those guys were pretty terrible! But we have a dark horse late entry contender who might just win the week. People of Wonkette, we give you craven shitstain Keith A. Seilhan, the BP executive who dumped his BP stock after learning that the public was woefully misinformed about the extent of the spill because haha of course it was much worse. Read more on Human-Shaped Bag Of Greed BP Exec Will Have To Pay Monies To Government For Profiting From Oil Spill…
  none shall pass

FAA Lets Exxon Decide Whether Aircraft Can Photograph Oil Spill, You Know, For Safety

This post made possible by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Blogging Chair for Oil Spills and Whatnot. Today in “just who in the hell is running this place?” Wonkette presents: Exxon. Ya know, usually our corporate overlords do a swell job with this Potemkin democracy illusion – the country’s farce in Washington with the “Senate” and “House” and “President” who supposedly constitute our “government.” But in the SAME WEEK Monsanto anonymously placed a provision into a spending bill to make sure all our seeds and farms and food are belong to them, Exxon is now controlling our airspace. Read more on FAA Lets Exxon Decide Whether Aircraft Can Photograph Oil Spill, You Know, For Safety…
  this guy again

Casey Anthony Trial Coverage Gives Rush Limbaugh Great Abortion Joke

Your Wonkette has been fastidiously trying to ignore anything related to this bizarre, sad Casey Anthony case, not only here but in life, because once upon a time there was such a thing as an “OJ Simpson trial,” which set everyone a very high bar for 24-hour reality crime shows that probably will never be touched. We are purists, sue us. But OKAY, we will weigh in, since bloated maggot Rush Limbaugh is humping America’s face with slime about abortion again. Here is Rush’s advice to the silly liberals who are upset about 2-year-old Caylee Anthony’s death: “When does the death of a child bother them? …just tell yourselves that [Anthony] just waited a couple of years to get an abortion and you’ll feel better.” Aha! Read more on Casey Anthony Trial Coverage Gives Rush Limbaugh Great Abortion Joke…
  it's morning in america

Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers — what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is “politically savvy,” apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn’t need another jerk-wad secretary tellin’ him that robot-bombing Libya is a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [The Hill] Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department… Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department…
  it's morning in america

Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!

Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler’s birthday] Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!… Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!…
  hurricanes now have a permit

Bobby Jindal’s Wife Getting Very Interesting Charity Donations

In an alternate universe where Bobby Jindal never opened his adorable mouth about letting volcanoes kill us all, Bobby Jindal is engaged in an epic struggle with Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich to be the next president of the United States. In that universe, this scandal is game-changing news: Jindal’s wife’s charity has received a series of very large donations from corporations who are looking to influence regulatory policy. The kind of regulatory policy that, uh, leads to things like giant oil spills off the coast that threaten the ecosystem of the state and the livelihoods of many of its residents. But it’s for a good cause! Supriya Jindal has “revolutioned chalkboards,” because chalkboards are obviously the thing to blame for making Louisiana’s kids dumb, fat, poor, poisoned, and covered in crude oil. Read more on Bobby Jindal’s Wife Getting Very Interesting Charity Donations…
  it's morning in america

Libyan Pilots Ordered To Attack Civilians, Defect To Malta Instead

Two Libyan air force pilots landed their Libyan death zeppelins (?) in Malta, after refusing orders to slaughter civilians from the air — because sometimes you just have to do the right thing, instead of committing mass murder. In other Libyan defector news: a group of army officers released a statement urging fellow soldiers to “join the people,” and the Libyan ambassador to the United States has called for Gadhafi to resign. And in the absence of any real support from his own armed forces, Gadhafi has assembled an army of African mercenaries, so that the killings can continue. What a monster. [Al Jazeera] Read more on Libyan Pilots Ordered To Attack Civilians, Defect To Malta Instead… Read more on Libyan Pilots Ordered To Attack Civilians, Defect To Malta Instead…
  oily-pelican briefs

Halliburton Guy Taking His Smoke Break Responsible For Gulf Spill

A Halliburton technician encharged with monitoring pressure data on America’s most hated oil rig, the Deepwater Horizon, failed to see signs leading to the explosion that resulted in this year’s Gulf oil spill because he was taking a break to smoke and get some coffee, he told a federal panel. Joseph E. Keith would have alerted everyone on board that the thing was going to blow, and cost Obama about five seats in the House come November, but obviously God made nicotine addictive for a reason. When did Keith finally know that something seriously wrong was going on? He ran across the “body of a dead colleague on the deck.” You need to insert about five of your own Dick Cheney jokes into this post, by the way. Read more on Halliburton Guy Taking His Smoke Break Responsible For Gulf Spill…
  book learnin'

Cool New Bobby Jindal Pop-Up Book Blames Obama For Entirety of Oil Spill

Bobby Jindal is not just a governor looking to run against Obama for president: He also happens to be a beautiful aquatic bird who was personally coated in oil by the Evil President while trying only to help the people of Louisiana. And so little Jindal has written a book about himself, to inform America that he is nicer and pragmatic-er and caring-about-people-er than this Obama fellow, who apparently evilly discussed POLITICS with Jindal when there was a bunch of oil in the water. Also in the book: Jindal overheard Rahm Emanuel use a swear word when he was talking on a cellular telephonic device! Rahm Emanuel. These hott deets that Jindal puts at the front of his book will surely make America want to run its fingers through his feathers forever. Read more on Cool New Bobby Jindal Pop-Up Book Blames Obama For Entirety of Oil Spill…
  it's morning in america

Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!

Happy “Whoops, We Invaded Afghanistan” Day! (Of course, back then it was called “Operation Enduring Hooray We ‘Liberated’ Afghanistan from the Towelheads.”) Nine years ago today, America sat on its XXL fundillo and “channel surfed” for cool night-vision footage of Kabul exploding and CNN cellphone camera videos of Army Rangers killing (“liberating”) things. Everyone loved this “good war” so much, because Afghanistan was harboring a terrorist and what’s up with that. What are you supposed to get America for its almost-tenth wedding anniversary? Tin? So you should probably FedEx Karzai a tinfoil hat, so he’ll have something nice to wear/deflect alien death rays with when he surrenders to the Taliban, tomorrow. [Truthout] Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!… Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!…
  it's morning in america

BP Blameless, According To BP Internal Investigation

An internal investigation conducted by BP has concluded that it can start drilling again immediately, hooray! Oh and also “Team BP” did nothing wrong, at all, and so if you Americans still need someone or something to pay for the stuff in the ocean, sue the oil rig owner Transocean or the chavs at Halliburton, because you can always blame Halliburton. But yes, this investigation exonerates BP, which did nothing wrong and was probably just enjoying a nice cup of tea while Transocean and Halliburton took turns throwing depth charges down Deepwater Horizon’s oil well to “see what would happen.” Whatever. At least Tony Hayward has his life back, sitting on his yacht in Siberia. [CNN] Read more on BP Blameless, According To BP Internal Investigation… Read more on BP Blameless, According To BP Internal Investigation…
  we're just enablers

Junkie Gulf of Mexico Gets Some More of That Oil It Craves So Much

It’s only been a couple of months since the Gulf of Mexico stopped injecting itself with that luscious BP oil, and now, after another oil platform explosion off the coast of Louisiana, the Gulf has fallen off the wagon again. Hey, BRO, that oil is ours and is very expensive. Get your salty SEA hands off of it. “A mile-long sheen is now visible,” the Coast Guard said. A sheen? Oh, like the famous actor family! Read more on Junkie Gulf of Mexico Gets Some More of That Oil It Craves So Much…
  it's morning in america

Cows, Tumbleweeds Still Denied Right To Vote In Wyoming

As threatened, both Washington and Wyoming went ahead with their primary elections yesterday. Washington didn’t surprise anybody because it is boring; in Wyoming, the nominations of Republican Matt Mead and Democrat Leslie Peterson for governor surprised everyone, because nobody had heard of any of the candidates before and thus any name would have been a surprise. Mead has a weird, defensive, rambling thing about highway funding as a top-level link on his Web site, so you know this is going to be an exciting race. Read more on Cows, Tumbleweeds Still Denied Right To Vote In Wyoming… Read more on Cows, Tumbleweeds Still Denied Right To Vote In Wyoming…
  oily pelicans

Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!

BP and the Coast Guard are reporting that the reverse-cowgirl-static-kill-butt-well-plug was successful and that only 25% of the oil spilled is still in the Gulf of Mexico. Time to pop the bubbly and eat some shrimp…oh wait, there’s no shrimp left? Damn. Um, how about some oysters…no oysters? Uh, let’s have crabs, yeah crabs. Oh those are dead too? Fine, I’ll guess I’ll eat cat food. Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!… Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!…
  oily pelicans

Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?

The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn’t start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill the well and nullify the need to use the relief wells. The engineers are concerned that shooting stuff all over the place may damage the fleshy flap seal called the annulus. Read more on Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?… Read more on Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?…
  oily pelicans

Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!

Remember the Islands of Doctor Jindal? Well it turns out that the future president of ‘Merica may be wrong after all. Washington elites Several scientists from local universities and aquatic research centers have signed letters and sent postcards saying he is an idiot who likes to wear fur coats while looking good on the teevee. Read more on Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!… Read more on Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!…