Tag Archives: oil

  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…
  Wild Thing

Obama To Save Lazy Polar Bears Even Though They Don’t Even Have Jobs

Look at these arctic fox babies. LOOK AT THEM
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair For Occasional Coverage of Not Spilling Oil All Over the Damn Planet With the Republicans’ top priority being the building of a pipeline to transport some of the dirtiest petroleum on the planet, we’re pretty chuffed to see that Barack Obama is replying by announcing Sunday that he’d very much like to designate Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge as protected wilderness, so it won’t be drilled, baby, drilled. Wilderness designation would make the 12 million acres of the Refuge permanently off-limits to development, including oil exploration. Obama announced the plan with a pretty nifty video: Read more on Obama To Save Lazy Polar Bears Even Though They Don’t Even Have Jobs…
  How Many Divisions Does Salt Lake Have?

Utah Plans To Just Take Federal Land, Anticipates No Real Problem With That

DRAINAGE, Eli, DRAINAGE
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program of tragic police shootings of young black men with this BREAKING news from Utah. Beginning on Dec. 31, the state of Utah plans to “seize” 31.2 million acres of land currently owned and controlled by the federal government. This is the result of a 2012 law whereby the state of Utah basically decided that it gets to make up the rules, and the rest of the country gets to follow them. Here’s the summary from the Washington Times, which is a terrible paper you should never read. Read more on Utah Plans To Just Take Federal Land, Anticipates No Real Problem With That…
  strange but true but strange

Sarah Palin Is A Communist RINO Now

Niche lifestyle brand Sarah Palin has endorsed a Democrat in Alaska’s race for governor. Really! Former Gov. Sarah Palin has endorsed gubernatorial candidate Bill Walker. […] “Last night my family, along with Byron and Toni Mallott, and our campaign staff attended a reception hosted by Todd and Sarah Palin at their lakeside property in Wasilla,” said Walker in a press release sent Wednesday. Bill Walker is not a Democrat; he’s a Palin pal who’s running as an independent. But Byron Mallott, Walker’s running mate since the two teamed up in a ballot reshuffle to screw over incumbent Republican Sean Parnell, totally nominally is a Democrat! Read more on Sarah Palin Is A Communist RINO Now…
  dirt fuel

Happy Exxon Valdez 25th Anniversary Day! What Fish Will You Murder To Celebrate?

This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Blogging Chair For Oil Spill Clusterfucks. It’s been a quarter-century since the oil tanker Exxon Valdez spilled 11 million gallons of oil in the formerly known as pristine Prince William Sound, and here we are today still burning the earth’s toxic runny shits and farts for our convenience and pleasure. Of course, few believed back then that it would be otherwise. But at least there was reason to hope that the specific harms of the Exxon Valdez spill could be limited — that with enough Dawn dish soap and American elbow degrease, and with the nation’s disapproving glare fixed on Exxon, Prince William Sound could be properly cleaned up. Except it turns out that oil really fucking sucks. Read more on Happy Exxon Valdez 25th Anniversary Day! What Fish Will You Murder To Celebrate?…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

Glenn Beck Turns Hippie Peacenik, ‘Cause War Is A Progressive Trip, Man

Glenn Beck has decided that his favorite conservative anthem is now “War: What Is It Good For? (Absolutely Nothin’).” You see, Glenn had a moment of revelation: This whole Syria thing, man, it’s just about the oil, you know? (Syria doesn’t have that much oil, really, but don’t stop him, he’s on a roll). And war? Oh, man, war is the worst, man, the ultimate bummer trip, you know? On his Monday program, Beck shared his insights (possibly the result of a peyote-fueled vision quest with a shaman) and laid on his audience this heavy message, telling viewers that Read more on Glenn Beck Turns Hippie Peacenik, ‘Cause War Is A Progressive Trip, Man…
  silver linings

Bright Side! Climate Change Death Spiral Will Bring Cheaper Gas, Jobs!

We are basically in an imminent death-spiral, says a new report that will probably be ignored: Senior US government officials are to be briefed at the White House this week on the danger of an ice-free Arctic in the summer within two years. Worried? Don’t be! First of all, this will mostly affect Poors and women, and who cares about them? Nobody, that’s who, otherwise they wouldn’t be Poors. Or women, duh. Also, the Free Market will rescue them anyway (assuming, of course, that global warming doesn’t set all the Bootstraps on fire and cause a global Bootstrap shortage), and even if it doesn’t, there will be a Second Coming and it will all be part of God’s Plan. And we still haven’t gotten to the BEST PART, which is that an ice-free summer means more oil and more jobs for everyone! Read more on Bright Side! Climate Change Death Spiral Will Bring Cheaper Gas, Jobs!…
  i can't get used to this lifestyle

Your ‘Our Friend The Coalmine’ Earth Day Art Contest Winners!

Yesterday we brought you the fun news of a state of Utah elementary school art contest with the awesome theme Where Would WE Be Without Oil, Gas and Mining, in honor of — wait for it — Earth Day! (In case you were wondering, no: the state of Utah was not going for a Nothing But Flowers utopia horrifying dystopia, but rather wanted its schoolchildren to focus on the benefits to humanity — AND THE ENVIRONMENT — wrought by the oil, gas and mining companies. We will repeat: IN HONOR OF EARTH DAY.) Since we are not Utah elementary school students, and none of you Utahnkers made your grade-school children available as an art-laundering front, we decided to hold our branch of the contest here. Did you deliver? What do you think? Read more on Your ‘Our Friend The Coalmine’ Earth Day Art Contest Winners!…
  clear skies initiative joke here

Let’s All Enter Utah’s ‘We Love Oil And Gas’ Poster Contest, For Earth Day!

This post brought to you by the auspices of the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil-Spill Blogging. Attention, Wonkrinis! The Beehive State is throwing an Earth Day poster contest, with the very excellent theme of “Where Would WE Be Without Oil, Gas & Mining?” and we know ever so many of you would like to join! Let us read the mission statement, together! •To improve students’ and the public’s awareness of the important role that oil, gas, and mining play in our everyday lives. • To highlight how modern mining and petroleum extraction techniques and reclamation methods minimize environmental impacts while providing society with the raw materials required to have our high standard of living. • To allow teachers to combine natural resources, science, and social studies education with individual creativity and artistic skill for an activity that meets several learning objectives in the science and social studies curricula. Cool Earth Day project, Utah! We will enter you now! Read more on Let’s All Enter Utah’s ‘We Love Oil And Gas’ Poster Contest, For Earth Day!…
  today in death robots

Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’

The realpolitik wunderkinds in charge of Iran have been threatening for awhile now to respond to a Western boycott on their oil by cutting off access to ALL the oil, but now the loose-lipped traitors at Nobama’s Pentagon have let it slip that the U.S. Navy is globally forcing some good into what they call the “Arabian Gulf” in the form of underwater death robots. Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche, in case you thought they weren’t really serious about it. Read more on Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’…
  it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November. Read more on Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera…
  chill baby chill

The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Let’s Cold War With The Soviets Over The Arctic Circle!

It’s getting warm again, which means it’s time for for the polar ice caps to start melting, and for glorious Northwest Passages to open up everywhere, and for shipping and extraction and all things industrial to bloom. The boat ride from Shanghai to Hamburg is a lot quicker this way, but I don’t know, shit feels weird. Ironically, we would save millions of tonnes of fuel by using these routes. Maybe even enough tonnes of fuel for the ice to freeze back over! Also and in addition, better hope there’s not a spill up there while they drill baby drill. (Shit would get real.) Read more on The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Let’s Cold War With The Soviets Over The Arctic Circle!…
  republican bedtime stories

The EPA Is Full of Barbarians and Energy Corporations Are Now Jesus

The bloodsucking pagan hippiecrats of the Environmental Protection Agency are attacking Rick Perry’s Jesus! Or is Rick Perry just high on a wheelbarrow full of drugs again? Sure. He is also upset about the Internet’s number one or two worst thing ever of today, a fuzzy two-year-old video unearthed by Jim Inhofe of EPA administrator Al Armendariz explaining to an audience that his “philosophy of enforcement” towards law-breaking energy companies is “kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean: they’d go into little Turkish towns somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they’d run into, and they’d crucify them. Then that town was really easy to manage for the next few years.” It is a rather silly comparison, mostly because villagers are historically known for being defenseless. It’s also a somewhat outsize view of the EPA’s notoriously crappy enforcement prowess, right Jim Inhofe? Read more on The EPA Is Full of Barbarians and Energy Corporations Are Now Jesus…
  what the

Eco-Terrorist Scamp Jailed For Punking Drilling Agency Put In ‘The Hole’ For Sending E-Mail

You do not meddle with the primal forces of nature — or punk the Bureau of Land Management! (Same thing.) Tim DeChristopher, an environmental activist currently serving a two-year sentence in California’s Herlong Federal Correction Facility for winning an auction on a gas and drilling auction on public land and then was all “HAHA KIDDING! PSYCH!”, has just spent the past 19 days in a “restricted cell” within the prison because…he sent his friend an e-mail. DeChristopher was apparently concerned about the ties of one of the donors to his legal fund. According to the group Peaceful Uprising, which DeChristopher helped found, the e-mail prompted an “unnamed congressman” to request that DeChristopher be moved from the minimum-security section of the prison to the Special Housing Unit, which beyond sounding patently terrifying and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nesty, could have prolonged DeChristopher’s time in prison. Thanks to very vocal support from the public, Peaceful Uprising just announced that DeChristopher was finally removed from the “hole” yesterday. But um…why is this guy in prison again? He didn’t even essplode any SUV’s! Read more on Eco-Terrorist Scamp Jailed For Punking Drilling Agency Put In ‘The Hole’ For Sending E-Mail…
  i blow a foul wind

Embarrassing Muppet Donald Trump Calls Windmills ‘Horrible, Loud, Disgusting’

There is a phrase that Socialist Jewishes like to say each other (with their hands tightly grasping all their Socialist Jewish munneez, of course!). That thing they like to say is, “We see the world not as it is, but as we are.” It’s from something called “Talmud,” we guess? Anyway, horrible, loud, and disgusting embarrassment The Donald Trump had a rare moment of self-unawareness recently when he said windmills were horrible, loud, and disgusting, but did not say the same thing about himself. Weird, right? Read more on Embarrassing Muppet Donald Trump Calls Windmills ‘Horrible, Loud, Disgusting’…
  speaking of them

Robert F. Kennedy Jr: ‘Speaking Of Prostitutes…’

Speaking of prostitutes, big oil’s top call girl Sen Inhofe wants to kill fuel economy backed by automakers, small biz, enviros, & consumers — Robert F. Kennedy Jr (@RobertKennedyJr) March 6, 2012 Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (SO MANY-BRANCHÈD, THE TREE OF CAMELOT) has, oh dear, it turns out that men everywhere, regardless of chad preference, enjoy slandering as well as utilizing the adult enjoyment industry. Let’s try this again anew. RFK Jr, who works for the NRDC and is like a river god or river horse or something, by trade, dunno, the background of his Twitter profile is about rivers, on Tuesday afternoon decided to lasso the Rush Limbaugh catastrophe-miracle for his very own purposes by calling Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma a “prostitute” and, for good measure, a “call girl.” Fox Constitutional News’s response to this is to ask, “Will Media Be Outraged?” The answer is of course no, because this still and hopefully forever undeleted tweet is witty, metaphorical and accurate, except, well, apologies to the adult enjoyment industry. Read more on Robert F. Kennedy Jr: ‘Speaking Of Prostitutes…’…
  decline

Why Is Obama Making Allen West Pay $70 To Refill His Hummer?

Gas prices are surging to record prices again! This is great news for Satan and everyone else rooting against an actual economic recovery. For the rest of us though, ugh, and not just because of the unwelcome siphoning of our precious disposable income. Whenever this happens, and it now happens every year, politicians feel the need to talk about it as if they’re capable of doing anything to bring down prices in the short-term, which they can’t. And so what we get is a patronizing back-and-forth over the same false solutions. Republicans demand that the president free energy companies to drill and frack and blow up every remaining square inch of domestic land and water under which one might find of a molecule or two of hydrocarbons, in 10 years. Democrats cry for a windfall profits tax, a cutesy feel-good slogan term that, if ever enacted, would make things worse. And while all of this is happening, irritants like Rep. Allen West come along to holler at the President for the $70 he had to pay to refill his Hummer gas tank. Memorial Day is months away, to boot! Read more on Why Is Obama Making Allen West Pay $70 To Refill His Hummer?…
  green for a day

Obama Caves To Environmental Groups, Election 2012 Has Begun

Barack Obama’s administration has been, uhm, terrible when it comes to environmental issues. Not that he ever had any kind of “environmental record” beyond believing some coal industry press release about a fantasy form of fuel called “clean coal,” but the assumption had (wrongly) been that a Liberal Democrat might be somewhat sympathetic to the environmental concerns of, say, the vast majority of Americans. (Even Republican voters overwhelmingly support policies that protect the air we breathe, water we drink, etc.) But as we have learned over the past three years, the Obama Administration has been pretty Meh on the environment. Good thing the whole world isn’t melting, hahaha. ANYWAY, now the White House has caved to the environmental groups on this whole Keystone Tar Sands Filthy Death Pipeline, because we’re now officially within a year of the election, and nobody votes like the environmental people, unless they’ve been repeatedly shit on by the supposed Liberal Democrat administration. Read more on Obama Caves To Environmental Groups, Election 2012 Has Begun…
  drill the garden of eden

Dim Michele Bachmann Wants To Drill Everglades For Oil That Isn’t There

Shrill caustic harpie Michele Bachmann is so excited to destroy any rare ecosystem at all with her maniacal dream of drilling gaping holes into the country’s environmental preserves that she (predictably) forgot to check her Everglades National Park treasure map to see whether there was actually any oil buried under her latest senseless target to justify the pretext. Whose fault is that? The terrible godless scientists, as usual. University of South Florida geologist Dr. Albert Hine notes, “There is no known evidence that there is a significant hydrocarbon deposit beneath the Everglades.” To which Michele said: “The radical environmentalists put up one road block after another to prevent accessing American energy.” Just because there isn’t any oil there doesn’t mean Michelle Bachmann can’t drill for oil there. God told her to! Read more on Dim Michele Bachmann Wants To Drill Everglades For Oil That Isn’t There…
  bomb everything

John Boehner’s Office Swarmed By Death Robots, Fake Bombs

Socialist government pensioners “the police” had to swing by the office of radioactive skin cancer stick John Boehner after someone spotted three rogue suitcases at the door with signs taped to the front of them saying, “jobs” and “oil” and “gas.” But, uh, NO FEAR: the sassy little Mars Rover that the Ohio bomb squad bought from some NASA Ebay auction used its “alien kill command” to blow up the suitcases, which had no explosives in them, hooray. Everyone is saved from the terror of free “jobs” and “oil,” forever. WHO PURPERTRATED THIS INFAMY? Read more on John Boehner’s Office Swarmed By Death Robots, Fake Bombs…
  grifterland

Alaska Republicans Kill Sarah Palin’s Only Legacy: Taxing Big Oil

Once upon a time, Sarah Palin actually had a job. She was elected governor of Alaska! And, for a few months at least, she often went to work and even made a brief effort to “help Alaskans” who weren’t named Palin. The primary legacy of Sarah Palin’s only actual full-time job was the increased taxes on corporate oil profits — especially “windfall profits” when oil prices skyrocketed. But Republicans in Alaska’s legislature have now killed the Palin tax hikes on Big Oil, so Alaska can now expect an $8 billion decline in revenue for its people. Read more on Alaska Republicans Kill Sarah Palin’s Only Legacy: Taxing Big Oil…