• Last night the Yankees baseball team won the competition that determines the best baseball team of all the other baseball teams! [New York Times]
• 600 UN staffers in Afghanistan will leave the country for a few weeks while the UN works to find them housing that will be harder to blow up. [Washington Post]
• Hurricane Ida is currently in the midst of hitting Nicaragua. It’s expected to bring with it 25 inches of rain, mudslides, all the tradition hurricane accoutrement, etc. [CNN]
• Exxon Mobil and Shell have won the World Series of receiving the rights to oil fields in southern Iraq! The Phillies did not win this either. [WSJ]
• Cash bonuses on Wall Street will be up 40% this year. [Reuters]
• Later this week, Toyota will be sending out a drivers’ mat recall, as the acceleration pedal can get caught in drivers’ mats in certain models. [Los Angeles Times]

Here is an official clip prepared by the office of Texas Rep. Joe Barton titled, “Where Does Oil Come From? Question leaves Energy Secretary puzzled.” This title alone should tell you enough about what really happened. MORE »

SARAH THE MARXIST: She takes the oil companies’ hard-earned money and “redistributes” it to shiftless Alaskans! “[W]e’re set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs,” she told the elite socialist rag The New Yorker. That means every Alaskan gets $3,269 a year from the State, just for living and breathing on that lost and frigid tundra, and that is also why she is America’s most popular governor. Because she is a Communist. [The New Yorker]

John McCain has selected someone to head his — get this — “White House transition team,” and of course the person is an old corrupt Washington lobbyist, so basically JOHN MCCAIN IS PAYING THE LOBBYISTS MONEY FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T EXIST. But! More Scandal! This terrible lobbyist is one William Timmons, a famous goat warlock from Narnia. (Or was that Tumnus? Whatever, they are all hobbits from fantasy closets.) He was also best friends with Saddam Hussein forever, until John McCain killed Saddam Hussein on a cellphone video several years ago. MORE »

Let’s take a breather from presidential politics for a moment and reflect on this glorious advertisement from the Jim Slattery campaign, which shows Kansas Senator Pat Roberts growing into a fifty-foot monster who urinates on people. This is amazing. ["Hosed"]

A dude sent us this video he made so sure, why not? That wretched Oil Man from There Will Be Blood is a pretty good vehicle for the downward trajectory of John McCain’s famous Honor: people think he’s become Satan in 2008, while in 2000 everyone liked him for… uh… campaigning on a platform of relentless, preemptive interventionism? He was always an evil cock, and a brooding Jonny Greenwood score should follow him around at all times. [YouTube]

Since this news headline alone goes above and beyond our joke-per-post quota, we’ll leave it at that. As soon as we determine the nature of this oil sex — as in, was it consensual middle-management heterosexual sex or was it, say, Republican big shots ass-raping young male slaves? — we will decide whether or not to keep covering it. Any Interior Department staffers want to clue us in? UPDATE: It seems like heterosexual sex, boo. But was it vaginal? [AP/KTVU]

John McCain visited an oil rig today, now that the weather’s cleared up. On this oil rig he talked about, well we don’t know, maybe how he refuses to endorse Congress’ energy bill compromise? And then some DNC mole started handing out this “kit” to reporters on the scene. As you can see, the kit can be arranged into a cock-and-balls sort of arrangement. The black oil barrel in the middle is actually a stress toy. So when you are angry you can squeeze it as you would John McCain’s stubby black cock. [Political Wire, The Trail]

Idaho Congressman Bill Sali has been participating in the current GOP Cuddle Party For Oil. But no one will listen to him even though he knows everything! In fact, he could solve the entire energy crisis in one hot minute if people paid any damn attention, because he knows that there “could be up to 40 barrels of oil” in a single tree. Ha ha, look at what you’ve really been hugging all these years, you filthy liberal hippies: a filthy casket of crude oil. Unless somehow Sali doesn’t know what he’s talking about? MORE »

The DNC has released a new web ad called “Exxon John” to support its “Exxon-McCain” gimmick. Maybe 50 or 100 political web junkies will recognize that this ad parodies the unintentionally hilarious Sen. John Cornyn video from a couple of months ago, “Big John.” Everyone else in the world, however, will watch this and wonder, “why did the Democrats make this retarded ad?” Also: now that the price of oil has dropped like $30 per barrel in the last few weeks, can these people stop talking about Energy so much? It’s painful to watch both candidates pretend there are any short-term solutions to offer. [YouTube]

You know how World War III (the real one) is pretty much starting, between Russia and the ex-Soviet country of Georgia, because the pro U.S. regime in Georgia thought, “Oh hey we are allies of the United States and we like NATO, so we will just go kick a little bit of ass over in this breakaway chunk that wants to be with their pals in Russia across the border,” and then Russia was all, “YOU FAIL WE KILL YOU ALL,” and Bush was playing grab-ass in China at the Olympics, and this is probably going to get uglier. But did you know George W. did his famous dancing in Tbilisi, the Georgian capital, just last year? MORE »