Those of you who are privately in love with Chuck Todd will recall that he recently told us, “If Indiana is too close to call at poll close, that is good news for Barack Obama.” Well, Wolf Blitzer just said, “We’re in no position to make a projection yet.” MORE »

JOE THE PLUMBER CRIME SPREE PROVEN TRUE: That thing we posted about pin-eyed skinhead Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher doing election and speeding crimes? The speeding part has been confirmed, by the Toledo Police [Toledo Blade]

One of the seventy-thousand reasons John McCain has a 1% chance of winning the presidency is a dumb tool who called himself “Joe the Plumber” and hoped to get fame and free welfare money as a result of telling a dumb lie to Barack Obama, when Barack Obama was campaigning in this man’s neighborhood. Because he was a creepy looking mouth-breather who didn’t pay his own bills and would get a tax cut under Obama and whose wife had left him to a life of unlicensed work at some other guy’s plumbing business, the McCain campaign naturally decided — in the last weeks of a tightening race — to throw everything behind this unappealing character who represented nothing. And now Joe the Plumber’s trying to vote illegally, too! MORE »

According to sources in the know, the governor of California is a very smart and capable politician who demonstrates a great ability to grasp complicated subjects and quickly boil them down to their fundamentals. He is also a pretty hilarious entertainer. For example! Yesterday at a McCain rally in Ohio he cracked a few jokes about Barack Obama’s skinny legs, and he made a better argument for John McCain’s tax policy than John McCain ever had. But the VERY BEST part came at the end. MORE »

Country music star Joe the Plumber comically missed a McCain rally earlier this morning, but this afternoon he dragged himself out of his new McMansion, put on his new faux-Armani suit, and brought his three high-class hookers (Diamondchest, Firesuck and Lightningpussy) to an afternoon rally, appearing with bloodshot eyes and chugging a bottle of Dom P. and offering faint praise of politics or something, whatever it was that got him famous. MORE »

• McCain, addressing Queen Frostine and Lord Licorice in the chocolate village of Hershey, PA, described Obama’s energy policy as: “blah blah blah, all this.” [The Caucus]
• Say goodbye to your Christian Science Monitor, it is relocating permanently and exclusively to the Internet, which is a sunny suburb of Phoenix. [Marc Ambinder]
• And so begins the Great Ohioan Civil War between two van-driving teens and the McCain supporter who shot them with a rifle, to protect the partisan lawn accoutrement he figured they were sabotaging. [Ben Smith]
• Just three weeks ago Colin Powell could not stop from going on about his first husband Ted Stevens. And then Ted Stevens turned out to be this liar who was just not the man Powell married. And then, then, America is supposed to trust anything Powell scrawled about Obama in colored pencil in his pink moleskine? [RedState]
• A McCain adviser called Palin a “whack job,” which is a filthy sexual act not performed since Valentine’s Day 1968, when Obama and Ayers put on some Van Morrison and dropped acid in a cave in Kandahar. [AMERICAblog]

“WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court is siding with Ohio’s top elections official in a dispute with the state Republican Party over voter registrations. The justices on Friday overruled a federal appeals court that had ordered Ohio’s top elections official to do more to help counties verify voter eligibility.” In other words, the very liberal Barack Obama has paid off the Supreme Court with millions of Acorns and promised them all sorts of fancy things if he wins the election, such as bombs from Bill Ayers. [AP]

Joe Biden gave a rally in Athens, Ohio today, home of the very lovely Ohio University! Never heard of it? Well shut up then! And he “warmed up” the crowd by talking about that time he visited Ohio University in college for a football game — this probably never happened, he likes to make shit up all the time — and how he was going to crush these two dames through the night, until the cops came and arrested him. Dude. DUDE. Dude. Not cool bro? MORE »

Look at this heartwarming photo from the Toledo Blade. Some nice lady is “welling up with tears” because she can’t breathe anymore! Someday when she is old and gray, she will tell her grandchildren, “I once had the privilege of being choked to death by America’s first black president.” [Toledo Blade]

Once upon a time there was a congressman named John Boehner, and everybody made fun of him because his name looked like “boner.” And then day somebody sent one of his local offices a Mysterious Package, which was leaking an Oily Substance, and everybody panicked because of the Terrorists. But! Turns out it was just bacon in the package: the sly prankster’s symbol for pork-barrel spending, or maybe how John Boner’s “package” is always “leaking oily substances.” [WLWT Cincinnati]

Ho ho, here’s more of those “encouraging polls” you people love so much: Barack Obama is leading in a trio of states often seen as pretty important to these presidential elections. In the bitter land of Pennsylvania, Hopey leads 54-39. In Ohio, it’s 50-42. And in that one place we all love so much, Florida? The Quinnipiac swing-state poll puts Barry ahead 51-43. [Ben Smith/Quinnipiac]