Yay is everybody ready for the most rip-roaring good time ever at a town hall since a mob of outraged yokels stole George Washington’s wooden teeth and chased him off the premises clad only in his skivvies and the 18th-century version of a women’s brassiere (two monkey skulls held together with catgut and lignum vitae)? That’s what happens when you mess with New Hampshire, the forgotten Appalachia of the American Northeast. MORE »

We will tread lightly here, lest we fall beneath the Malignant Eye of Denby, but: Christopher Dodd has early stage prostate cancer. The good news: if you had to have your pick of cancers, “early stage prostate” would probably be right up there on the list, as it is highly treatable and pretty much every human male, if he lives long enough, eventually gets prostate cancer anyway. So fear not, Connecticut! You will likely have a Senator Dodd for many years to come, particularly if you re-elect him. [Washington Post]

Hmm. So maybe there is one of those “God” things after all? When asked if he’d run for political office, unlicensed handyman and Constitutional originalist Joe Wurzelbacher said, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.’” Joe will be in Austin on July 3 to celebrate the day our anti-Communist Founding Fathers signed the Book of Mormon, which explicitly forbids taxation. Everyone’s invited! [WND via Think Progress]

In the ninth circle of Hell, just between the usurers and the winged demon Satan flapping his wings in that frozen pond, lies a self-important little coffee house full of nerds who vote on each other’s poetry, which is universally awful. The Obamas will bring a slice of this Hell to their own home tonight, when they host the first-ever White House Poetry Slam. Why does Barack Obama hate America so much? MORE »

• FBI RAIDS OFFICE OF OBAMA COMPUTERBOT NOMINEE: Vivek Kundra was nominated to be the government’s first ever Chief Information Officer a few weeks ago, and everybody was all “Hooray!” because he was going to switch the entire federal government over to Gmail, for free, and give every employee a share of those sweet Google Adsense dollars. But now the FBI has raided his office — the one he had while he was running computers for the city of DC — and nobody knows why, part of an ongoing investigation, etc. etc. We have a hunch, though, that it might have something to do with an information systems security officer in the DC government getting arrested in a bribery sting this morning. [WTOP]

We may mock Florida Governor Charlie Crist (pictured, center) for his weird penchant for dating women, but it is all in good fun: he seems like a very nice fellow and a good sport. Most of the time! Except, say, when it comes to John McCain, whom he now clearly loathes. MORE »

Well here’s a story, we suppose: Some nut in Minnesota spray-painted weird religious things on the garages belonging to Senators Norm Coleman and Amy Klobuchar and U.S. Representatives Keith Ellison, John Kline, Michele Bachmann and Jim Ramstad. So, Democrats and Republicans, Lutherans and Jesus Freaks, even a Muslim! What the hell? MORE »

To answer your question re: the headline: the white one. She’s so sick right now! According to spokesman Robert Gibbs, “In the last few weeks her health has deteriorated to the point where her situation is very serious.” Rumor has it that she’s still suffering injuries from an incident this past Spring in which a grandson threw her under the bus. Okay, okay. But she’s looking really bad, and Barack Obama is SUSPENDING HIS CAMPAIGN for a couple of days to visit her in Hawaii, during which time he will also save the bailout bill and the economy. Maybe he’ll also sneak in some beach time and we’ll get more shirtless pixxxx!!! [Politico]

Remember this tiny outrage from … uh, when was Hillary running for president? Did we still have money then? Anyway, here is the porn movie about Sarah Paylin. [Boing Boing]

Depending on your sources & your level of paranoia, either a couple of racist dingbats were arrested around Denver’s trashier motels Monday, or an elaborate plot to assassinate Barack Obama was busted up by clever Colorado cops. In any case, a trio of local losers are now in jail (again), and at least one of them mumbled something about wanting to murder our new president. MORE »

OBAMA RELOADED: Tipster “Joseph S.” writes: “Obama’s Downloads site is being updated! If you go to his site and click Media, then Downloads, it goes to Downloads v2. However, there is no page there. Something’s happening.” [WHAT IS HAPPENING?]