Tag Archives: oh for fuck’s sake

  creature features

We All Live In Autonomous Exploration Submarines: Your Weekly Sci-Blog

If your Brain Erection lasts for more than 4 hours, see a doctor.
Hello Wonkeratti! It’s time once again to expand your brains with Science, congest them with the lifeblood of learning and, finally, make them Turgid with Knowledge. Yes, it’s time once again to disrupt the normal flow of Wonkette’s daily Festival of Perfect Snark and Rudeness with these disturbing and bizarre Sci-Blog links. There seems to be an audience here for this sort of thing, though and we love you for it. The lengths that The Administration will go to please you Nerds never ceases to amaze me. It’s not every day that the Human Race discovers an ocean. In 1513, Balboa took credit for “Discovering” what the indigenous isthmus tribes people told him was The South Sea (Magellan gave it the darkly amusing name “Mar Pacifico” in 1521, because he happened to catch it on a good day).  These days, with orbital satellite mapping, we know the Earth’s ocean surface down to the square meter, can track all the currents and storm systems and determine the height of waves with radar. The last time we know for sure that an Ocean was discovered was actually in 2011 and it is in a truly remarkable place: under the ice of Europa, the sixth most distant moon of Jupiter. The concept of liquid subsurface water in the Gas Giant Satellites was first theorized by John S. Lewis in 1971, in his paper Satellites of the Outer Planets: Their Physical and Chemical Nature. In 1979, the NASA Voyager 2 probe provided photographic clues of the moon’s ice sheet. In 2002, the Galileo Europa Mission probe looped through the Jovian system for over a year, sending vast amounts of photos and data Earthward. Scientists analyzing the probes data for years finally found definitive proof of a subsurface ocean in 2011. Additional data gathered through ground based instruments tells us that the ocean exists 100 kilometers deep in Europa’s Ice and covers the entire globe. We thought that we could have no direct knowledge of the composition of this new ocean beneath the ice. It could be a warm, salty haven for possible life or a poisonous liquid desert.  Aside from future plans for probes that would drill through the icecap to release an autonomous exploration submarine, we had no way to acquire such direct knowledge. Until now. Read more on We All Live In Autonomous Exploration Submarines: Your Weekly Sci-Blog…
  creature features

Sea Slug Penises, Tentacle Porn, And Other Terrible Sci-Blog Things

I am Not an Alien!
Hi there, Wonkeratti! We Interrupt your Normal Programing for another weekly excursion into – Science! It’s highly likely that Your Estimable Editrix will see the error of her ways fairly soon and we will return to your Regularly Scheduled Rude Snark, Wife Beating, Troll Harpooning and Diplomacy. Please stand by. So, what is it that you all know about the Sun? You know it’s the closest Star to Earth –  nominally 93 million miles away – and it provides a nicely constant, predictable flow of light and warmth and makes almost all life here possible? And that it’s a middle aged, calm, comfortably Main-Sequence spectral class G2 hydrogen furnace that’s the center point of our solar system right? Well, no matter what you may know, it’s easy to forget exactly how much more complex and remarkable than a simple ball of fire Old Sol is. What you need to do is look closely, with the right kind of specially shielded eyes, and you will see utterly astounding things. Look, and you begin to realize just what kind of a magnificent and almost living entity we live next to:  a practically perfect sphere of incandescent plasma, convection cells, spikes and flares interwoven with incredibly strong magnetic fields, where impossibly violent, extremely incongruous events happen as a matter of course. For instance – did you know that it rains on the Sun? Oh, but not any kind of rain you’ve ever imagined. Watch what happens when a medium sized solar flare interacts with one of the vast looping magnetic field structures in the solar atmosphere. Behold the Plasma Rain on the Sun, in all its Magnetohydronamically Driven Glory. Video courtesy NASA’s Goddard Spaceflight Center. Read more on Sea Slug Penises, Tentacle Porn, And Other Terrible Sci-Blog Things…
  Facepalm O' The Day

Anti-McConnell Super-PAC Tweets Stupid Racist Things About Mitch McConnell’s Wife

In any political operation, there’s this thing called “message discipline.” Not only does it mean staying on the talking points (“It’s the Economy, stupid!”), but of course it also means Don’t hand your opponent a gift by saying something so incredibly stupid and offensive that it lends itself to a headline like “Liberal Super PAC Goes After Mitch McConnell’s ‘Chinese’ Wife.'” Which, unfortunately, is exactly the idiotic thing that an as-yet unnamed volunteer for Progress Kentucky did on February 14. The tweet implied that McConnell’s wife, Taiwan-born Elaine Chao, who served as George W. Bush’s Labor Secretary, might be “why your job moved to China!” To make matters worse,the tweet linked to an article at the conspiracy website rense.com, which is one of those places that makes WorldNetDaily look like friggin’ Reuters. Read more on Anti-McConnell Super-PAC Tweets Stupid Racist Things About Mitch McConnell’s Wife…
  i thought this was a poop joke blog

C_R_Eature F_Eatures: Your First Weekly Sci-Blog!

A Monster. Enormous Thou Art.
Hi there, Wonketteers! I’m Proud to be able to bring to you a New Wonkette Feature: a weekly round-up of Current Events in – SCIENCE! Your Esteemed Editrix, Rebecca Schoenkopf, has pulled Yours Truly away from furiously carpet-bombing Wonkville with bizarre and disgusting Science Related Stories and given me the opportunity to do the same right here. Why it is that she thinks this would be a Good Thing is beyond me. I think it’s got something to do with all the Smart People playing here. As I’ve been given no guidance other than “Go Forth and Science Blog,” I feel the need to set myself a few parameters. Let’s call them Rules for Free Radicals: All of the links I post here are genuine, peer-reviewed science taken from reputable scientific news organizations. Bad Science, Pseudoscience or Republican “Sound Science” will be duly noted and held up for Savage Mockery. In the event I find a story through a “News Aggregator,” I will make an effort to link to the original journal, if it’s not subscription-only or too technical. I’ll present the most informative story otherwise. All of my links will be Safe For Work – if Work allows you to surf the Internet looking at stars and weird animals all day long. No Ponies. No Palins. Non Negotiable (well, what you people do in the Comments section is wholly up to you). A note on Topicality: Posts are always considered Topical if I think they’re Cool, they have Cephalopods, they involve Scary Stuff You Should Know, or they’re Disgusting. Stories with Tentacles are Always Topical. Well, that should be it, then. I’m sure something else will come up as this thing evolves (something always does). Shall we begin? Read more on C_R_Eature F_Eatures: Your First Weekly Sci-Blog!…
  america's last days

Sarah Palin Movie … Nominated For An Oscar? (OH WAIT NOT REALLY)

Can the Wasilla Grifter possibly get another five minutes added to her expired fifteen minutes of infamy? Well, yes, of course. Besides, her fifteen minutes actually turned out to be three-and-a-half years, which is pretty substantial for an aging snowbilly grandma whose one and only talent was being less physically repulsive than John McCain, back in 2008. Anyway, that awful feature-length commercial for Palin’s nonexistent presidential campaign, Undefeated, has been nominated for an Academy Award (TM) … and not even in the expected categories of Animated Feature Film or Hilarious Costume Design. UPDATE FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT MOVIES: Ha, thank Christ, it’s a different movie also called the same thing, Undefeated. Whew. Read more on Sarah Palin Movie … Nominated For An Oscar? (OH WAIT NOT REALLY)…
  shallow water

MSNBC Clown Show Reaches Climax, Hires Meghan McCain

The natural conclusion to MSNBC’s long effort to win the Pulitzer in Applied Stupidity was reached today when the cable-talk station hired vapid airhead Meghan McCain as some type of on-air personality. “We were looking for someone who literally knows nothing about anything, MSNBC vice president of programming Koko the Klown said in pantomime, while sitting in a puddle of somebody else’s urine. Meghan McCain was created by scientists in a laboratory to prove a “reverse dark matter” theorem that something can be so shallow and idiotic that it would be equally despised and laughed at by people of any possible political persuasion. [Gawker] Read more on MSNBC Clown Show Reaches Climax, Hires Meghan McCain…
  the clock is ticking

Reality Cable Show Announced For Daughter of Reality Cable Person

Oh look, one of those basic cable reality-teevee families is getting another reality show. And we are posting it, because that is apparently what we do here, which is yet another reason why we are all washing our hands of this daily deluge of mental sewage and walking away, with a smile of relief on our faces and a song in our hearts. It is truly time to leave the Internet, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather be reading a nice book, outside on your “coffee break” or whatever? Wouldn’t it be fun to destroy your television with your computer? Read more on Reality Cable Show Announced For Daughter of Reality Cable Person…
  our fragile nation

TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’

Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute because Christmas Eve is both the official start of the Yuletide Family Gathering and a regular work day. Terrible all around! Luckily we have the Homeland Security clown theater troupe, “TSA,” to come up with some random bullshit to ruin whatever hasn’t been ruined by common crowds and weather. Read more on TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’…
  our fragile nation

U.S. Military Bans Those Little USB Thumb Drive Things

Because the world’s most powerful military is being destroyed by a combination of a) goat herders in Afghanistan and b) some weird guy with a website, the Pentagon has just banned any kind of little gizmo that can save information off a computer. (It is apparently impossible to ban goat herders … yet.) As of immediately, any military person (or military contractor, maybe?) cannot use removable/portable disk thingies such as thumb drives or external DVD/CD writable drives when using the secret computers that have all the potential WikiLeaks stuff on them. Hooray, there will be no more leaks of information! Read more on U.S. Military Bans Those Little USB Thumb Drive Things…
  republicans in the news

Eric Cantor Is an Asshole

Eric Cantor is very upset about Democrats being upset about Teabagger-Republicans attacking the homes and offices of Democratic politicians. So, you Democrats stop complaining about that stuff. Just take it, like …. uhh, like Eric Cantor. Read more on Eric Cantor Is an Asshole…
  think positive

Welcome To 2010, When Slavery Finally Ends!

So, uh … here we are! One decade deep into the 21st Century. This is what it’s like, apparently. Jesus. Well … guess we’ll go on back to bed now. Thank you, Daniel McQuade, for taking this picture of this Real True Calendar while Xmas Shopping for your Mom. Read more on Welcome To 2010, When Slavery Finally Ends!…

THIS IS IT: A direct post to the Twitter, from the Wonkette, in 140 paragraphs or less? It’s so 2010! Oh wait it doesn’t work GODDAMMIT.
  area woman loses her shit

Dingbat Woman Takes Down Her Christmas Tree, Because … Senate Passed Health Care Bill

WOW. So this lady, “Bunny,” is so furious that, uhm, the Senate would pass Health Care Reform on, uhm, a working day/weekday before Christmas, that she just has no idea what to do at all, beyond call C-SPAN. So she took down her Christmas tree, and the wreath, because these are pagan symbols from the Scandanavian barbarians who worship nature and the Viking God Wōden the Senate hates Jesus’ birthday that we in the Western Christian Tradition celebrate somewhat arbitrarily tomorrow, because the Roman calendar was kind of sloppy about getting Winter Solstice right, etc. Also something about “the Germans,” and “genocide.” Fröhliche Weihnachten! [TPM] Read more on Dingbat Woman Takes Down Her Christmas Tree, Because … Senate Passed Health Care Bill…
  uh sorry

Paultards of Xmas Past Wish You a Very Crappy Christmas

By weirdly popular demand, here is the infamous video of some Paultards singing a very terrible version of “Twelve Days of Christmas,” wherein the partridge “goes Galt” and the Maidens all run away screaming because, jesus, Paultards are singing! [YouTube] Read more on Paultards of Xmas Past Wish You a Very Crappy Christmas…

Wonkette Correctly Exactly Predicts Which Congressman Would Fight DC Gay Marriage

Yesterday, your Jim Newell announced DC’s gay-marriage-is-okay news with this caveat: “HOWEVER, while Father Congress is not expected to go all ‘Home Rule’ and block this sucker, we’re about 99.9% sure that one congressman or another representing some salty swamp in the middle of nowhere will make a half-assed attempt to ruin this, score a few points with the folks back home, etc.” Hmm, “salty swamp in the middle of nowhere,” where could that be? Read more on Wonkette Correctly Exactly Predicts Which Congressman Would Fight DC Gay Marriage…