Wonkette

Mitt Romney knows history. In 2004, famous gay liberal John Kerry asked maniacal conservative fellow gay liberal John McCain to be his vice president, and John McCain said no thousands of time, and then a million more times, forever, and with bombs is a fairy. Check out this “art” Romney’s using in Massachusetts to get the truth out. [via Jonathan Martin]

No, he actually is! He’s dedicating his entire show today towards John McCain being a gay liberal, who’s only good for the gay nomination in the Gay Party, because he votes for gay… spending… reform… things of that nature. Hey, he’d be a perfect fit for the Republican nomination!

Either way, we must praise Rush Limbaugh today, and only today: VOTE FOR MITTENS. TOMORROW. FOR THE THING. Please? [The Page]

Mitt Romney’s new Super Tuesday ad ruthlessly attacks that one person he needs to eliminate, from behind, to win the Republican nomination: WALN– wait, Hillary Clinton? Indeed, this whole ad rips at Hillary Clinton, with Mitt delivering the damning clincher: “She has never run anything!” Did a certain Romney, Mittens maybe purchase this marvel of cinema before the Florida primary? Or South Carolina? New Hampshire? Iowa? It’s just funny because he’ll never run anything again, for now. [YouTube]

*DOESN’T FEAR GOLD GROW ON REPUBLICAN TREES?:* While Barack Obama and that old racist Arkansas couple, the Clintons, each have massive national blitzes of the teevee ads, “major Republican presidential candidates do not have a single bit of paid media on the air in Super Tuesday states.” Not even gazillionaire Mitt Romney. This is good! When John McCain automatically wins the election by being a Republican, the influence of money shall no longer have a place in politics. [The Page]

Mitt Romney must beat John McCain, or all entertainment in the world will disappear. Please, Mormon God, Jesus, other spirit things: Give Mittens the nomination. He bought the damn thing, give the man his goods. He is too beatable and, more importantly, too funny to lose. Mittens just says these… things: today he noted that John McCain follows a “liberal Democrat course.” I’m sure the crowd went wild to boot! McCain, that… Clintonist. [Time]

Mitt Romney took an adventurous campaign turn today by trying to connect with the Fortune 500 C.E.O. crowd, a demographic that always votes for the most progressive, tax-hiking liberal candidates. He mentioned how hard it is to lay off workers, how much it eats away at your corporate humanity, and how he’s done it like 50 million times. Coincidentally, this purging of the soul took place before a Latino builders’ union. Ohhhh Mittens! MORE »

Mittens is an awful man, and a Mormon. No one likes him beyond the various unemployed welders of Michigan, Tom Tancredo and maybe son Tagg or Craig. He tells lies and he shits plastic. But no cadre of individuals loathes Mittens more than the other Republicans running for president, as the New York Times brilliantly pointed out today. Finally, we can agree with Rudy Giuliani, WALNUTS! and Huckabee about something! Maybe Mitt really is a uniter. MORE »

On Martin Luther King Junior Day, Mitt Romney had more than a question about mangy curs to the African-American community. He also had some… advice. Yes, you know where this is going, and you know it’s a tragically dark place lined with Mormon insecurities: MORE »

To celebrate Martin Luther King Junior Day, Mitt Romney asked a bunch of black people in Florida who let them “dogs” out, and how he might put them back in their cages. “Who, who,” or maybe “Woof, woof,” he continues, depending on his Mormon advisers’ current understanding of Ebonics. Always shifting, they are! [CBS News, YouTube]

Demonic Fox News hero Carl Cameron apparently has a blog. I’m sorry, meant to say VLOG, short for wevlog. Anyway, I found out from Carl Cameron’s Vlog that Fred Thompson is probably done. Check out Cam’ron’s lack of typos: “In recent days he has said he would return to Tenn.visit with his Mom and make a decision about his future.” Regard.less, here’s what Grampa — who’s locked in a “bronze medal battle” with Mittens in South Carolina — really said: “Stay strong.” [Carl Cameron's Vlog, Politico]

*MITT WINS UNIMPORTANT THING FOR REPUBLICANS:* Mittens has won the Nevada caucuses by like 45 points over John McCain and Dr. Ron Paul. Among Democrats, the lady and the Kenyan fellow are neck-and-neck. [CNN]

The most attractive human android on the planet, Olympics Gov. Mitt Romney, wins the award for gayest supporter buttons ever. But at least he’ll save the cars in Detroit by hi-jacking Mexican planes and turning all fetuses into golden Mormon necklaces. That’s his platform. Altavista it. [Getty Image by Stephen Morton]

Campaigning in South Carolina today, Mittens made an effort to distinguish his obviously beyond-reproach campaign by trying to point out to reporters that McCain’s got lobbyists, those bloodsuckers of the American political establishment, on the payroll. His little presser got sidetracked, though, when a reporter pointed out that one of his prominent (unpaid) advisers, Ron Kaufman, works for the prominent lobbying firm Dutko Worldwide. They then fuss and fight and, at the end, some batty old lady tells Mittens that he’s ugly. I just think someone probably needs a nap. [CBS, Politico]

Mittens’ first ad in Florida, “Chairs,” is playing on that new prizewinning theme of his: that people who have been to Washington before won’t know how to “fix Washington.” This will certainly help him beat Florida rival and Old Washington Hand Rudy Giuliani, who was Mayor of the Senate when airplanes hit the Pentagon.