Tag Archives: occupy

  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekend Wade Through The Wasteland

Greetings, worthly wokette skum, and welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly barf bag of bits and bytes that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on. This week, we’ll start off with an update on an update to a story from 2011: John Pike, the infamous “pepper spray cop” who treated protesters at Occupy UC Davis to a casual serving of capsaicin-tinged brutality, has reached a settlement with the university in his workers’ comp claim. Pike will receive a total of $38,056 in compensation for depression and anxiety he experienced after getting death threats related to his actions. Just to add a little extra dollop of derp to the story, it turns out that Pike, who was at least fired, is receiving a larger settlement than any of the people he pepper sprayed: In January, UCD agreed to pay $1 million to settle a federal suit. Twenty-one plaintiffs who were sprayed or arrested were to receive $30,000 each. Another 15 who also had claims approved were to be paid $6,666 apiece. So there you go: Justice is blind, probably because of the chemical irritants sprayed in its face. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekend Wade Through The Wasteland…
  pssst -traumatic stress disorder

People On Internet Were Mean To Pepper-Spraying Cop And Now He Will Get All The Monies

Do you guys remember pepper-spraying cop? Way back in 2011, he was the dude that just went full-on YOLO on a bunch of peaceful Occupy protesters at UC Davis and pepper-sprayed them while they were peacefully chilling on a sidewalk. Remember? That guy pretty much sucks at life, and actually managed to get hisself fired, which is actually pretty surprising for being a pepper-spraying cop. Being videotaped being an aggressive douchebag and ultimately losing his job over the whole thing has given pepper-spraying cop a case of the sads and he needs to maybe get some monies for how sad he is: Read more on People On Internet Were Mean To Pepper-Spraying Cop And Now He Will Get All The Monies…
  chicken not looking forward to what comes next

IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven

In addition to being a cosmic turd straight from Satan’s bunghole, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) is now just a laughing stock on Capitol Hill. If anyone anywhere takes this clown seriously in the future, we will be shocked. How has Issa managed to make himself an even bigger fool, the kind of ass that everyone, even small children, stop to point and laugh at?  It all goes back to the IRS, and this non-scandal that Issa bet his entire reputation as Chair of the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee upon. Salon hits the nail on the head: Remember the IRS scandal? How the tax agency improperly singled out Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny in a nefarious political vendetta against conservatives because the agency is either inherently liberal or was acting on orders from the Democratic President? Remember how it cost even Mitt Romney the election? Well, as it turns out, that whole scandal is entirely bogus. False. A fiction. The entire notion that the agency singled out groups with “Tea Party” in their name in simply wrong, we learn today, thanks to new documents revealed by the Associated Press. The documents, and confirmation from officials, show the IRS targeted groups with other keywords in their names, including “Progressive” and “Occupy.” Hahahahahaha, suck it, Rep. Issa. And suck it all you teabagger crazies complaining about how much butthurt you went through while suffering from your goddam persecution complex. Turns out you are all a bunch of whiny babies who jumped the gun before all the facts were in, and now you look like completely incompetent political hacks who are better off crawling back to whatever cosmic bunghole you came from.  Let’s wonksplain further. Read more on IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven…
  more like bill old amiright

Confuzzled Florida Republican Stalked By Phantom Occupy Burglars

Rep. Bill Young (R-Hiding Under The Covers) was first elected to public office in 1960 and is, by the maths of some churches, literally older than the Earth itself. He has seen a lot of things, and dealt with a lot of things — but at 81, how many more Things can one guy deal with? Wage inequality is certainly not one of them; when asked about it, his only response was “Get a job,” because who would he be if not a caricature of an old man. There’s something else that’s really irking him, though: This whole 99 Percent business, with their talk of “corporatism” and living in tents and yelling about whatever it is, who can hear with all this racket. They’re new, and they’re scary — and they’re targeting Bill. Read more on Confuzzled Florida Republican Stalked By Phantom Occupy Burglars…
  the traditional one year gift is handcuffs

The Police Remembered Occupy Wall Street’s One Year Anniversary!!!

Last year, it took Occupy less than three weeks to reallocate $2 million in government-funded aid to working men and women in New York City, in the form of overtime pay to the city’s police department. This year, some in the movement hope to achieve this goal sooner — and judging from the police turnout on Occupy’s one year anniversary, they stand a good chance of meeting their goal! It’s always nice when the dominant partner in a very hetero-normative relationship goes “all out” for an anniversary, and this year the police did not disappoint. “As usual, they brought Occupy some pretty police horses and cute police dogs.” Commissioner Ray Kelly’s NYPD is rumored to have splurged on a secret signal jammer to cut into Occupy’s livestream feed. The Associated Press is reporting that the police have arrested somewhere around 180 people (the NYT is saying 185), including about five journalists, wheelchair-bound Americans, one goth girl, and a fucking legal observer from The National Lawyers’ Guild: an act of puckish over-exuberance tantamount to capturing a Red Cross nurse as a POW. The police also gave a 99% bro a ride in a shopping cart. Read more on The Police Remembered Occupy Wall Street’s One Year Anniversary!!!…
  Incorporated Americans

Journalism Hero ‘Twitter’ Bravely Supports First Amendment, Dirty Hippies

Being an Incorporated American is kind of a mixed bag, as we are discovering. Since it is impossible to put Incorporated Americans in jail, or to put their logos and mascots in jail, the only way to punish an Incorporated American is to take away some of its money Speech. We learn this via a brave action by Incorporated American “Twitter,” which has refused to turn over information on some dirty hippie #Occupyer’s twantings and twavings. But unlike, say, “journalism hero” Judy Miller, is there actually any sort of punishment which it might face if it continues to flout some dick judge’s order? Well, no, not really. Read more on Journalism Hero ‘Twitter’ Bravely Supports First Amendment, Dirty Hippies…
  Thank You Sirs May We Have Another

Study: CEOs and Incorporated Americans Sure Benefiting From Tax Code They Wrote

Look, you guys, the Romneys WANT to release more tax returns to you people, but if they do, guess what will happen? We can tell you EXACTLY what will happen: a think tank — maybe even a progressive one — will look at the tax returns and then they’ll be all “blah blah, the Romneys paid a lower tax rate than people who make around $40,000 per year” or “blah blah, here is what is up with ‘Mitt’s Magical IRA’” etc etc, and this would be unacceptable, because it is Mitt’s Time. We know this because a “liberal-leaning think tank” released a study claiming that 26 big Incorporated Americans didn’t pay federal taxes and (maybe) used the money to pay CEOs and then sent the rest of the massive sums of money on lavish vacations to the Cayman Islands. See? Transparency just gave them all kinds of ammunition, and we wouldn’t want that, would we? No. We wouldn’t. Read more on Study: CEOs and Incorporated Americans Sure Benefiting From Tax Code They Wrote…
  the airing of the grievances

Protesting Now Illegal, Basically

Look at what the freedom-hating Chinese government has done! They’ve gone and passed a law saying that it is illegal to enter a “restricted” area even if you didn’t know that the space was restricted, and also made it illegal to protest in said “restricted” area or do anything that could be “disruptive,” like booing. Except just kidding, it wasn’t passed in China; it was passed in the United States, and it also makes protest punishable by up to ten years if it’s carried out anywhere that the Secret Service is or will be temporarily visiting. Read more on Protesting Now Illegal, Basically…
  protecting and serving

Another NYPD Officer Accused of Extra-Protecting Lady Citizen

Hello, NYPD police officers, how have you been protecting and serving lord and master Mayor Bloomberg the citizens of New York lately? Oh by raping, menacing, attacking, and assaulting a lady in a Staten Island parking lot when off duty?  That’s nice! We should note that the officer’s mother claimed that he was innocent of the charges, and then helpfully tried to defend her son by saying “This is not in his character, he’s a police officer.” We’re not lawyers, but given that last year ANOTHER woman was raped at gunpoint by a DIFFERENT off duty NYPD police officer and an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT woman was raped  in her own apartment by an on-duty NYPD police officer while another on-duty police officer kept a look out, and this all happened in the past year and a half or so, the “he’s a police officer” thing is maybe not the most solid defense probably? And let’s not even mention the NYPD officer that was accused of sodomizing a man with his walkie talkie on a subway platform, or the (alleged) patternof sexual assault against Occupy protesters in March. So. Yeah, maybe “he’s a police officer” isn’t the most solid testament to a man’s character these days, iffen he’s working for the NYPD. Read more on Another NYPD Officer Accused of Extra-Protecting Lady Citizen…
  smashed it proper he did

‘Sorry I Broke Glass Steagall’ Say Sandy Weill, A Little Late

Oh LOOK who’s had a change of heart. Citibank ex-CEO Sandy Weill, architect of too big to fail and self-described shatterer of Glass Steagall, that’s who. Apparently — and it took him 40 years to realize this — it’s not a great idea to have unregulated behemoth financial institutions offering retail banking as well as investment banking because it puts the entire world’s economy at risk is bad for shareholders. Read more on ‘Sorry I Broke Glass Steagall’ Say Sandy Weill, A Little Late…
  stop or lapd will shoot!

LAPD Celebrates City’s Lowest-Crime Ranking By Arresting People For Chalking On Sidewalk, Shooting Them

It is hard sometimes to be the police force for the big city with the lowest crime rate, we guess, which is why the LAPD recently arrested people for drawing on a sidewalk with chalk? But then whoops the #Occupy kids came out to Downtown LA’s monthly Thursday night artwalk to protest that — because it was nonsense — and then the LAPD had no choice but to show up in riot gear, which in turn forced the #Occupy kids to throw bottles at them, which of course led the LAPD to shoot. Read more on LAPD Celebrates City’s Lowest-Crime Ranking By Arresting People For Chalking On Sidewalk, Shooting Them…
  kill your television

Guest Post From An Occupy Dude

By Lee Camp We now spend roughly 15 years of our lives immersed in movies and videogames that have nothing to do with what’s going on in the world. There are global protests right now, and many of us are more caught up in the football game or the cooking show, the football game or the other football game, and then there’s a football game and after that there’s a goddamn football game! And I’m hoping soon they’ll find a way to combine a football game with a cooking show into a cookball game. And once that happens, I’m never leaving the house. And the problem is people exhaust their natural anger about the shitstorm in which we live in easier, more suitable ways. Their kid is sick without healthcare, they’re behind on their home payments, but they’re FURIOUS because the Red Sox lost! “Shut up, Timmy! Stop whining about your Lyme disease, Daddy’s busy with his misdirected anger! You should learn from your father and his crumpled up beer cans and go misdirect your anger! …Beat up your little sister or something. …You know, a little bit of fist medicine.” And that brings me to my brilliant idea – Maybe if protests or the environmental destruction going on around the world were covered by sports announcers, people would finally give a damn. Perhaps that’s all it would take. Read more on Guest Post From An Occupy Dude…
  new column!

Sunday With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: God Is Dead, Scott Walker Lives

Scott Walker kept his seat and Ray Bradbury died last week, proving once and for all the world is a horrible place, and that if there is a God, he’s dead. God is dead. Now that it’s been a few days and we are done mourning (because a new episode of The Killing is on tonight!), let us look back and examine just who this low-life dribble of accident cum Scott Walker is! Join me!! Scott Walker is the Hosni Mubarak of Wisconsin. Granted, Mubarak was appointed after his predecessor was gunned down, and Walker was voted in, but I like to pretend the good people of Wisconsin would never have done such a thing. Someone must have been shot, right? Right! So Scott Walker comes into town as this sort of vacant idiot, and like all bullies do, realizes he needs to take a manly stance of some sort. In prison, to prove you are tough, you are supposed to find the biggest guy on day one and knock him out. To prove you are a tough guy as a Republican, you need to find the smallest or most isolated minority group and punch them in their tiny oppressed faces. Since hitting a child was out of the picture, he decided to crack down on unions, which most people didn’t even think exist anymore. Way to hold truth to power, asshole. Read more on Sunday With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: God Is Dead, Scott Walker Lives…
  hey hey ho ho and etc.

A Children’s Treasury Of Hot Chicago NATO Protester Communists, And Jesse Jackson

Radio commies and totes adorbs marrieds Allison Kilkenny and Jamie Kilstein of Citizen Radio are in Chicago stone cold marchin’ on the mansion of Ol’ Mayor Nine-Fingers hisself, and also taunting pigs. They are also taking pictures of NATO protesters, for your ‘batin. Like this guy! HELLO THIS GUY! More protester hotness after the jump! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Hot Chicago NATO Protester Communists, And Jesse Jackson…
  is our police officers learning?

Minnesota State Troopers Got Occupy Activists High, For Research

Minnesota State Patrol had a great idea, seeing as they are bored and hate everyone, particularly Occupy protesters? The Occupy protesters are just hanging around the central location of Peavey Plaza, causing problems, wasting cardboard, not getting jobs, so in lieu of beating them with a stick, the police department decided it would work better to “recruit” these useless individuals, feed them marijuana and possibly other drugs, then observe their behavior as part of a police “training” program that teaches state patrol officers what different kinds of intoxication look like. Others were apparently given weed if they would simply rat on fellow protesters. It was very exciting for some Occupiers, because their title was suddenly High Police Informant. “I smoked with a cop,” said a man who identified himself as Panda, and it was “some of the best shit I’ve had in a while.” Read more on Minnesota State Troopers Got Occupy Activists High, For Research…
  there will be blood

Here Is Your New Occupy Wall Street Poster Of A Unicorn Biting Pepper-Spray Cop’s Head Off

What it says, dudes. So you know how all the liberal media are always whining, “BUT WE DON’T KNOW WHAT OCCUPY IS FOOOOOR,” and you tell them shut up of course you know what Occupy is for? And that is to END THE FED and IMPEACH OBAMA because WAR CRIMES and also I WILL NOT VOTE FOR THE ‘LESSER OF TWO EVILS,’ at which point your editrix punches her little Occupy brother in the face (no, not that little brother, a different little brother) and explains that a Nader vote carries with it real-life consequences, mostly in the form of a lifetime of shame. Read more on Here Is Your New Occupy Wall Street Poster Of A Unicorn Biting Pepper-Spray Cop’s Head Off…
  haw haw drum circles haw haw

You Must Read The Occupiers’ 325-Page Comment To The SEC

The Occupy people have done a wonderful thing. On Monday, just as the comment period on the new regulation was closing, a subgroup of seven known as Occupy the SEC submitted a 325-page comment to all relevant federal agencies demanding a stricter “Volcker Rule” — the part of Dodd-Frank that aims to limit the amount of proprietary trading, or risky bets made with a firm’s own money (frequently and ultimately meaning YOUR money), in which megabanks can participate. Read more on You Must Read The Occupiers’ 325-Page Comment To The SEC…
  cpacalypse

The Ocupados Have Arrived At CPAC!

Finally, some action! The Occupy people have reached CPAC and are protesting around this cute kitty furry structure near the driveway. So far no murders, but maybe if the kitty keeps squeezing that worker? Squeeze the worker, Garfield, squeeze him for every last Amero! Oh and that fellow with the long hair at the bottom of the photo, see him? He was bickering back and forth with some business-attired dildos across the driveway, about whether we should “like” the One Percent. No consensus was reached. Read more on The Ocupados Have Arrived At CPAC!…
  rickity split

Santorum’s C.U.M. Party Crashed By Glitter-Bombers

Rick Santorum’s wild weekend in South Carolina started with a fundraising campaign called, excellently, the Conservatives Unite Moneybomb (C.U.M.), and ended with a second-to-worst-place finish and what was essentially a rambling plea for a robot/muffin to take him in their arms and make him their running mate. In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress South Carolina voters, and then Santorum “fans” unleashed a bomb of their own while the candidate was signing autographs post-primary results: GLITTER. Read more on Santorum’s C.U.M. Party Crashed By Glitter-Bombers…