obesity
Thought you were “doing the right thing” by drinking diet soda instead of the usual corn-syrup sludge that makes up the primary source of calories for Americans? Well, sorry, you are still going to become obese and die of diabetes and cancer, soon. Diet soda — and god only knows what is actually in Diet [...]
Our Michelle spent last week drinking her way around the world, or more specifically, in Europe. She went there to hang out with that Kate lady and wear different outfits so that the Internet could vote about who was fancier. (The correct answer is that FLOTUS is always fancier. Always.) But even when our FLOTUS [...]
Finally, after a few boring weeks of now-forgotten aviation incidents and answering kids’ dumb questions over and over, our FLOTUS had a pretty great week! And she deserved it, because the stress from all that bin Laden business was starting to make the vegetables wilt. But the blood of Osama has revived the veggies, and [...]
Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus, who told a bunch of people that he was the Son of God and did lots of magic tricks until Mel Gibson killed him in front of disgusted audiences everywhere, the end. This is the foundation for the world’s angriest religion, Christianity. This is also [...]
Good news, hamburglars! Industrial cow-parts processor “McDonaldland Corporation” will hire 50,000 of the nation’s 24,300,000 million officially unemployed, “involuntary part-time” and “discouraged” workers. Just show up at your local McDonald’s (or the other one, at the next offramp) on April 19 and you may be one of the lucky .002% of unwanted American laborers to [...]
Well, here’s a shocker: America’s most deluded religious group, the fundamentalist Christians, “are 50 percent more likely to turn into obese middle-agers as those with no religious involvement.” Being dumb and poor and racist and homophobic apparently wasn’t enough for Jeebus’ true children here in America — now they’re doomed to fatness, too. Again, this [...]
If you’ve been paying attention, you know that America is suffering from an obesity epidemic that may or may not exist. And you probably know that our FLOTUS, Michelle Obama, has deemed herself personally responsible for making sure that obesity ends forever and as soon as possible. Recently, however, our FLOTUS’ interest in veggies and [...]
The proto-teabaggers at America’s oldest wingnut web forum have carefully considered this whole “obesity epidemic” thing — and they’ve decided it’s all a hoax. If there are so many obese people everywhere, then wouldn’t everybody be fat? Oh, everybody’s fat? Okay then, well riddle them this: If people are fat, and liberal women like Michelle [...]
Wonkette operative “Allen E.” passes on this notice from the Federal Transit Administration about Americans being so fat now that the government standards for average passenger weight need to be “updated.” Because otherwise, the buses are going to fall apart under the strain of carrying today’s obese American: SUMMARY: The Federal Transit Administration (FTA) is [...]
“Wanta dah moolee-rah, Han Solo,” the Hutt said. Meanwhile, while you are transfixed by the thought of take a magic sex bus journey into those undulating folds, Chris Christie is telling lies so he too can screw the union workers of his state.
Hey, look what happens when you put together a map of the density of diabetics in the U.S. with one of passport ownership! (You get fired from NPR, is what happens.) Isn’t it funny how every map of the U.S. like these are basically the same? Somebody find us a map of dentists per capita [...]
It seems we’re working on an “Arizona Trilogy” today, as part of “Trilogy Week” here at Wonkette. (Yesterday was “Americans Unleash Vile Hate On American Muslims” day. Did you enjoy that?) Anyway, the third of our Arizona Stories today concerns 575-pound Blair River, a shockingly fat person who occasionally worked as the spokesmodel for the [...]
Last week was probably not the best for our beloved FLOTUS. On Monday, famed underwear model Rush Limbaugh grumbled some crazy-speak about how our Michelle ate ribs one time, which made her too fat to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, or something. To make matters worse, New Jersey Governor and Professional Fat Person [...]
Hey, Rush Limbaugh is a person who is still alive, at the moment! He says Michelle Obama is fat. “I’m trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, or of a woman Alex Rodriguez might date [...]
