Tag Archives: obesity epidemic

  flotus files

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can! Read more on Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet…
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Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween

The holidays are a difficult time for any couple. In America, “the holidays” usually refers to that special time of year when the baby Jesus returns to cast spells on all the Walmarts so he can watch insane sweatpants-clad parents kill each other over whatever Furby the kids are freaking out about these days. But since the Obamas are secret Muslim devil-worshippers (ha ha, no one knows the difference between these two things) their holiday season is Halloween. Tensions are running high in the Obama household tonight as our FLOTUS’ desire to put America on a diet has been threatened by that other Obama, who is desperately trying to get anyone, literally anyone, to like him, at the expense of his wife’s anti-obesity initiative. Read more on Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween…
  nation of slobs

Obesity Epidemic Set to Swallow America Whole by 2048

Oh, here is a new study that predicts somehow the Earth will still be here in 2048! Krazy scientists! Oh well, enjoy the taste of your anusburgers a few more years before we are all hooked up to IV bags stuffed with liquid McNuggets and opium, for freedom. Read more on Obesity Epidemic Set to Swallow America Whole by 2048…
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FLOTUS-Inspired Garden Will Send This Lady to Jail

First Lady and America’s personal trainer Michelle Obama was up to her usual tricks last week, going to a Washington Kastles game, celebrating the beginning of Malia’s angsty teen years, and probably hanging out in the vegetable garden. This vegetable garden has come up a lot during Michelle’s time as FLOTUS, because she likes to take children there and force them to listen to her crazy theories about how eating a carrot, from the Earth, will probably give a person less diabetes than eating chunks of fat, dipped in poison. The problem with these theories is that poison-dipped fat often comes with even more varieties of fat, for under a dollar, whereas carrots and things of the vegetable variety are slightly more expensive. But some Americans are listening to our FLOTUS’ message, and will do whatever it takes to be healthy. Even if it means they will be arrested. Read more on FLOTUS-Inspired Garden Will Send This Lady to Jail…
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Michelle Obama Now Going After Fat Babies

America is full of fat children, and fat adults. This we know. But did you also know that America has many fat babies? It is more difficult to spot them, sandwiched between all the aforementioned full-grown fat people, but that doesn’t mean that Michelle Obama hasn’t noticed these sneaky, milk-guzzling fatsos. And since our FLOTUS is not one to sit idly by while Americans gorge themselves, she has decided to combat this baby fat problem and put a stop to it before it spirals out of control. Read more on Michelle Obama Now Going After Fat Babies…
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Michelle Obama Gets Her Hands All Over Everyone’s Muffins

As you waited in line for a jumbo slice of pizza at Costco this weekend, did you notice that something was missing? Has the candy aisle at your local grocery store disappeared or been replaced with a shelf full of lettuce? If you have checked your fat son or daughter’s bedroom and noticed that there is no occupant in sight, it’s probably because last week, Michelle Obama’s No Fat Kid Left Behind bill passed the House and is now awaiting a signature from the President, who will probably throw it in the garbage because he loves to eat hamburgers and cigarettes. Read more on Michelle Obama Gets Her Hands All Over Everyone’s Muffins…
 

Surgeon General: Santa’s Too Fat

Acting U.S. Surgeon General Rear Adm. Steven K. Galson has launched the Administration’s first attack in this year’s War on Christmas. The ASG declared that Santa is too heavy to be a good role model, telling the Boston Herald, “It is really important that the people who kids look up to as role models are in good shape, eating well and getting exercise… Santa is no different.” The ASG’s comment comes in the wake of Australia’s war on “hohoho” and made one of us crave, um, cookies. We ask for your opinion, after the jump. Read more on Surgeon General: Santa’s Too Fat…