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Tag: obesity

Have you ever REALLY LOOKED at your hand? Fascinating.

Does Weed Make You Skinny? Let’s Ask Science!

A new Canadian study seems to suggest that smoking marijuana like some kind of jazz criminal may prevent obesity and diabetes, at least among the Inuit population that was the subject of the study. Researchers at the Journal of...

Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians

Bryan Fischer, his finger ever on the pulse of the American zeitgeist (assuming that the American zeitgeist is far up his own ass, which we have no reason to doubt), is not going to make fun of a National...

Nutritionist Tucker Carlson: We Should Do Something About All These Disgusting Fat Poors

Tucker Carlson, who plays a human being on Fox's Outnumbered, explained the connection between obesity and poverty Wednesday, pointing out that poor people are only fat because the government keeps giving them food, and that there's no such thing...

Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition

Hey-ho, Wonkerinos and Wonkerinas! Here we are at the day before Halloween, and as usual, some people are just cold insisting on celebrating the coming holiday by hanging bats in their belfries. Let's have a look: Father Peter Carota is...

Justice Sonia Sotomayor Personally Selling Pepsi To Dying Fat Kids, Yalies Outraged

Now that the New York Times is done carrying water for the CIA, it has plenty of man-power to commit to other pressing matters, like how Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is attending a conference for Yale alumnae, and...

Racist, Sexist People Think Michelle Obama Is Fat Because Of Racism, Sexism

For those of you who watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you will know what we mean when we say that conservatives are trying to Sweet Dee Michelle Obama. For those of you who don't, Sweet Dee is the...

Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going...

Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening

As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if "The Help" is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn't it probably the same thing,...

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven't noticed,...

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, "being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while...

Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat

Problem: we are all fat, and even those of us who aren't are being forced to pay for things to accommodate the new, larger comforts required of the overweight, such as bigger toilets in hospitals, and bigger seats in...

Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian

Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter "K" and their father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the "Keeping Up With...

Michelle Obama Brags To Child About Fancy Sweet Potato Fries

According to most people, journalism has seen better days, and as an industry/art form/whatever you want to call it, is really just sending reluctant, furloughed editors to set up subscription booths at the nearest Walgreen's and hoping for...

Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’

Were you aware that we, as a nation, are currently celebrating the second anniversary of Michelle Obama's Let's Move! campaign? Probably not, because McDonald's did not advertise this on its napkins. Our FLOTUS, the arms and inspiration behind the...

Michelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious

For a brief moment, our First Lady Michelle Obama's appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show was all fun and games. Our FLOTUS danced her way onto the stage in her usual style and then sat down with Ellen to...

Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe

"Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you," was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign has a new "celebrity" champion in Joseph Antonio "Fat Joe" Cartagena, who at one point made a...