Tag Archives: obesity

  Called On The Carpet

Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians

Bryan Fischer, his finger ever on the pulse of the American zeitgeist (assuming that the American zeitgeist is far up his own ass, which we have no reason to doubt), is not going to make fun of a National Institutes of Health-funded study that’s looking at why lesbians may be prone to obesity. He’s not even going to call it wasteful. No, instead, he’s going to suggest concrete action: He wants Michelle Obama to show that she cares about lesbians’ health by spearheading (haw haw!) a drive to help all the lesbians lose weight by becoming straight. Read more on Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians…
  stfu tucker carlson

Nutritionist Tucker Carlson: We Should Do Something About All These Disgusting Fat Poors

Tucker Carlson, who plays a human being on Fox’s Outnumbered, explained the connection between obesity and poverty Wednesday, pointing out that poor people are only fat because the government keeps giving them food, and that there’s no such thing as a fat rich person. Who is this man who is so wise in the ways of science? Perhaps he can explain how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. Read more on Nutritionist Tucker Carlson: We Should Do Something About All These Disgusting Fat Poors…
  They Did the Derpy Mash

Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition

Hey-ho, Wonkerinos and Wonkerinas! Here we are at the day before Halloween, and as usual, some people are just cold insisting on celebrating the coming holiday by hanging bats in their belfries. Let’s have a look: Read more on Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition…
  egregious breaches of ethics

Justice Sonia Sotomayor Personally Selling Pepsi To Dying Fat Kids, Yalies Outraged

Now that the New York Times is done carrying water for the CIA, it has plenty of man-power to commit to other pressing matters, like how Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is attending a conference for Yale alumnae, and there are — at minimum — two people who are kind of mad about it. PepsiCo is sponsoring a conference in April for women who attended Yale, and Justice Sonia Sotomayor, a graduate of Yale Law School, is scheduled to make remarks Ok… to the dismay of some alumni. Oh! Here is the conflict. Explain it to us, por favor: Read more on Justice Sonia Sotomayor Personally Selling Pepsi To Dying Fat Kids, Yalies Outraged…
  oh my god becky look at her butt

Racist, Sexist People Think Michelle Obama Is Fat Because Of Racism, Sexism

For those of you who watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you will know what we mean when we say that conservatives are trying to Sweet Dee Michelle Obama. For those of you who don’t, Sweet Dee is the only female member of the group, and the guys pretty much spend the entire time telling her she’s an awful, ugly, hideous beastmonster of a human being, because Dennis is her sexual-predator brother, Mac is probably in deep denial about being gay and compensates for it by hating women, and Charlie does what other people say because he’s a human version of the three-eyed fish from The Simpsons. Incidentally, this is what Sweet Dee looks like, and you would do her in a heartbeat. Anyway, conservatives have decided that Michelle Obama has a big ol’ fat ass, and just won’t stop saying it. “Fat butt Michelle Obama,” said Bob Grisham, a high school football coach who was surreptitiously recorded by one of his students. “Look at her. She looks like she weighs 185 or 190. She’s overweight.” Grisham, who was suspended Monday, is neither the first nor the most high-profile person to feel moved to comment on the first lady’s physique. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh has repeatedly called her Michelle “My Butt” Obama. And Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner, the Wisconsin Republican, issued an apology after he was caught commenting on her “large posterior.” (Grisham has also said he misspoke.) Read more on Racist, Sexist People Think Michelle Obama Is Fat Because Of Racism, Sexism…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going around, giving advice to hopelessly unemployed college graduates? Oh, here is something to freak out about: our FLOTUS went on “Live! With Kelly!” on Monday to show off how completely not-obese she is, which is very elitist of her. She was wearing “palazzo pants,” because again, she thinks she is too good for jorts and a two-for-one pack of tee-shirts from Walmart! That’s the thing about our Michelle. One minute she is renting out a Spanish palace mosque for herself and her closest girlfriends, and the next minute she’s jumping rope, like poor children do in after-school specials about diversity. Read more on Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening

As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if “The Help” is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn’t it probably the same thing, except with Mexicans? Apparently, no! “Michelle’s Secret Garden,” as we like to call it, or “American Grown,” as it is actually called, tells the story of the White House Kitchen Garden. It also offers gardening tips, and “the story of how, together, in gardens large and small, we have begun to grow a healthier nation.” Because this new book costs over twenty dollars and Amazon.com is not yet accepting food stamps, the actual contents of the book will remain a mystery to most of the country, including your FLOTUS correspondent, who is not about to spend thirty dollars on a book about vegetables when the ice cream shelf in her freezer is running low on supplies. Thankfully, an excerpt from the book is available online, so we’ll just read that and use our imaginations to come up with the rest. Read more on Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening…
  flotus files

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop this disgusting epidemic, and this week, invited another group of children to the White House, this time to talk about America’s least favorite sport: soccer! That underwear model David Beckham was there, as well as his team, whatever it’s called. Well, the Europeans must have really liked this soccer nonsense, because today, a province in southern Italy decided to dedicate a tree to our FLOTUS. Of course, in our country we prefer to name stadiums and highways after our most treasured icons, but they don’t have those things in Europe. It’s just Vespas and cigarettes, as far as the eye can see. Read more on Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, “being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while another 191,000 deaths resulted from being physically inactive.” Do you hear that? If you sit on your couch long enough, you will just spontaneously drop dead. Of course, this is the sort of thing our First Lady Michelle Obama has been trying to prevent from happening, through her dance-a-thons and grocery superstores that apparently aren’t getting built. But the obesity epidemic continues, and the kids just keep getting fatter, no matter how many celebrity endorsements the Let’s Move! campaign receives. “But that isn’t enough, say public health leaders frustrated with the slow progress in stemming America’s obesity epidemic. Something more ambitious is needed, they argue — something more like the anti-tobacco movement.” Cue the terrifying obesity PSAs! Read more on Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter…
  oh

Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat

Problem: we are all fat, and even those of us who aren’t are being forced to pay for things to accommodate the new, larger comforts required of the overweight, such as bigger toilets in hospitals, and bigger seats in public transportation! Conveying our cars across space requires a billion more gallons of gasoline per year now than if we were to weigh what we weighed in the 1960s, when we were all beanpoles and McDonald’s was about ten years into its quest for world domination. Reuters, gathering data from a study called the Campaign to End Obesity and research from economists at Duke University and others has itemized the bill for us and we shall all die of poverty if not obesity, unless we are bariatric or heart surgeons, or endocrinologists, who are doing quite well! But our one saving grace is that smokers “die early enough that they save Social Security, private pensions, and Medicare” a vast amount of money, in the trillions, which helps offset the cost of the overweights a little bit. Great! Let’s all smoke. Read more on Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian

Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter “K” and their [step]father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” show, and somehow, it is one of the most highly rated reality television programs that exists, so let’s all poison ourselves, after we discuss FLOTUS. We live in an age of “reality” television, because reality is so horrifying these days, it tends to make for a fairly entertaining hour of television without much extra work required. Our obesity crisis is of course one element of our terrible reality, which is why there is a program on NBC called ‘The Biggest Loser,’ which is some sort of program about fat people (your FLOTUS correspondent does not watch this program, because it disgusts her). These days, where there’s a camera and fat people, there’s our First Lady Michelle Obama, making them wish they had never heard of a Double Down Sandwich. Our Michelle appeared on ‘The Biggest Loser’ last night, so it’s pretty much next stop: workouts with Bruce Jenner and hijinks about Kendall’s Super Sweet 16, etc. etc. Read more on Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Brags To Child About Fancy Sweet Potato Fries

According to most people, journalism has seen better days, and as an industry/art form/whatever you want to call it, is really just sending reluctant, furloughed editors to set up subscription booths at the nearest Walgreen’s and hoping for the best. But there are still young people in this country who want to see journalism survive as more than just a thing that helps interpret trending Twitter topics for Olds. There are young people like 11-year-old Topanga Sena, who want to ask the tough questions that aren’t being answered – questions like, “If you, First Lady Michelle Obama, had magical powers, what great gift would you bestow upon your Obese Nation?” Read more on Michelle Obama Brags To Child About Fancy Sweet Potato Fries…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’

Were you aware that we, as a nation, are currently celebrating the second anniversary of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign? Probably not, because McDonald’s did not advertise this on its napkins. Our FLOTUS, the arms and inspiration behind the campaign, knew it was time to celebrate, however, and so she embarked upon a cross-country birthday tour, hitting some of America’s most well-known and cherished obesity strongholds. Apparently this is also why she challenged Ellen DeGeneres to a push-up contest last week on teevee, although we thought it was just to stir up trouble, for fun. This past weekend, Michelle bravely took her health crusade to Texas and Disney World, because she just loves a challenge. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious

For a brief moment, our First Lady Michelle Obama’s appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show was all fun and games. Our FLOTUS danced her way onto the stage in her usual style and then sat down with Ellen to discuss (what else?) Barack Obama’s socks. The gossip is that Barack Obama does not pick up his socks! But our FLOTUS did not really go all the way out to the Ellen show to discuss the White House cleaning services. It was, of course, all about Let’s Move! and childhood obesity. And we would be very bored by this, except that this time, the jackets came off! Our Michelle revealed her workout secrets and then got down on the floor to demonstrate why everyone must fear the arms of America’s First Lady of Fitness. And then some right-wing people on the Internet used their personal mobility devices to drive across the living room to the ‘puter, to complain about the first lady’s “form.” Read more on Michelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe

“Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you,” was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign has a new “celebrity” champion in Joseph Antonio “Fat Joe” Cartagena, who at one point made a lot of suburban middle school dance chaperones nervous with his funny lyrics about the act of pulling up one’s pants, as a dance move. Back in those days, Fat Joe was practically a professional obese person, weighing in at over 450 pounds. But today, he is the image of a Let’s Move! victory, having lost over 100 pounds and even curing his own diabetes! We can imagine why someone decided to tap into his street cred and miraculous weight loss story to bring health to the children of Newark, New Jersey. Read more on Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising

“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World Record. She quickly assembled an army of obese zombie children and convinced them to jump up and down with her on the South Lawn. Yesterday, the jumping jacks were finally tallied, and our Michelle went on The YouTube to announce her victory and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this. Read more on Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising…
  Eat Up

Congress Bravely Pushes Cafeteria Cheese-Slop on Our Children

America’s children are still by and large grotesquely overweight these days, we hear? AND STAY THAT WAY is the message from the corporate shills in Congress waging a heroic battle against a USDA proposal requiring school cafeterias to quit counting french fries and tomato sauce on frozen pizzas as “vegetables,” because the “federal government shouldn’t be telling children what to eat.” Except that, by putting a giant pile of oil-and-salt-packed sawdust shavings on the plate of every child in America’s school lunch lines, they kind of are! Read more on Congress Bravely Pushes Cafeteria Cheese-Slop on Our Children…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades

Our Michelle Obama just likes to surprise us every day, mostly with bad news about how we’re all killing ourselves, eating things that are probably not classified as “food” by any branch of science. But she also likes to surprise us by showing up places where a FLOTUS would not be expected to appear, like on the set of a popular tween teevee show about a girl who doesn’t get knocked up like her Nickelodeon peers despite being named after an mp3 player. Unfortunately, the 2012 End Times are upon us, which means our FLOTUS now must cut back on fun television appearances and start making important trips to awful sporting events, where the important voters are. Like NASCAR! Read more on Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades…
  new study proves it

Americans Becoming Too Sick And Fat To Work Anymore

Another big score for “the best health care system in the world,” hooray: a new study by Gallup shows that 86% of full-time employed Americans are missing 450 million days at work due to being either obese or having chronic health problems or both, which doesn’t even count days workers feel ill and don’t take time off. The furious little number crunchers announced that this also means $153 billion a year in “lost productivity” so that business people will take notice and stop hiring fat and sick people, but the joke is on them since it is now basically everybody. Hope America is having fun spending those 13 days of vacation a year they get feeling like shit! Read more on Americans Becoming Too Sick And Fat To Work Anymore…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden

Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, but this is the thing that owns Olive Garden and Red Lobster, the restaurants that revolutionized the obesity epidemic by taking the ideas behind the fast food diabetes factories we all came to love, adding a tablecloth and silverware, and charging a few extra dollars for the same increased blood pressure. The Never Ending Pasta Bowl is American innovation at its best, so why doesn’t Michelle Obama want to Win the Future, through sheer body mass? Read more on Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children

Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known as The US Open to talk about tennis and smashing things, which just goes to show how dangerous this Let’s Move! thing is for our country and our delicate (and obese) children. Our FLOTUS spent some time talking about her love of tennis, before playing the sport with actual professional tennis players. We are guessing she managed to beat them all by distracting them with her FLOTUS charm, obviously. Read more on Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Endorses Walmart World Takeover

Oh the obese, how quickly they seem to have multiplied across our fair land. The self-aware once had a hero in Michelle Obama, who gave important seminars like “Just Because It Is A Dollar Doesn’t Mean You Should Eat It” and “Put Down the Fried Dough, You Human Stick of Lard.” But no one will listen to our FLOTUS, which is probably why she is giving up on this healthy eating thing entirely, or so it appears. She was recently seen drowning her sorrows at Shake Shack, and just the other day she announced that all the empty spaces in cities where industry used to dwell will now be filled with Walmarts. Michelle Obama, why hast thou forsaken us? Read more on Michelle Obama Endorses Walmart World Takeover…