YOUR OBESE BRAIN IS NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE: Ignore our remarks about bacon, stop eating raw cookie dough, and get on John Mackey’s nutrient-dense, organic dick-bag diet: obese people have “severe brain degeneration.” Obese people’s brains are not only withered and weird; they also look older, so if you are at all vain about your brain’s appearance you will definitely not want to become obese. [LiveScience]

You won’t find a word about it on the KFC website, or in most regional advertisements, but out in the mysterious moon colony of Omaha, the televisions are advertising a new sandwich. This is the only footage known to man. Believe it: KFC is selling a sandwich in Omaha, and god knows where else, that serves as a bellwether for the current state and future hopes of America: Two patties of fried chicken as the “bread,” between which are various forms of cheese, two strips of bacon, and “Colonel’s Sauce” — likely a combination of butter, salt, and cum. MORE »

• EAT A BAG OF LOW-FAT NUTRIENT-DENSE DICKS, JOHN MACKEY: The CEO of Whole Foods is a big fan of Ayn Rand, did you know that? Which explains why his solution to America’s healthcare crisis is for people to quit being so goddamn lazy and eat more healthy vegetables, which are easily procured for $4.99 a pound at Whole Foods! Meanwhile, a study shows that people on food stamps get fatter because you cannot buy healthy $4.99-a-pound vegetables when you are on food stamps. [Wall Street Journal, Science Daily]

Huzzah for the Can-Do spirit of Americans, who continue to just pile on the pounds despite the nation’s crushed economy. Turns out you don’t need much money to become obese! And without jobs, Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. So, let’s all give a KFC double-drumstick round of applause for Mississippi, with a literally staggering 32.5% of its population medically obese. Second prize (a truckload of trans-fat soaked Chocohoglick-brand chocolate-flavored Globulez™) goes to West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee, each boasting obesity rates of 30% or higher. MORE »

All of the fit youngsters in America have already been sent off to War, so the only people left on the home front are pre-teens, very old people, and the obese. Various military/first responder spokespeople in this tragic AP article blame an epidemic of fat volunteers on “a lack of physical education in the high schools” and “a hard time understanding a healthy diet and the importance of daily exercise.” Jesus, you know we are doomed when fucking Army recruiters sound like a pack of sissypants liberals. You also know we are doomed when the Army has literally run out of non-obese people to recruit. [AP]

Here’s once-fearsome heavyweight champion George Foreman figuring out a way to get free television advertising on FOX for his miraculous fat-burning grill: Answer questions about suddenly successful former-fatso Mike Huckabee! We’ve sent our own videographer Liz Glover to find out if Huckabee actually owns a Foreman Grill and if he indeed used it to “knock out the fat.” Stay tuned, refresh constantly, etc.

Those damn call center employees in India aren’t just taking away the livelihoods of dozens of flat-voiced Nebraskans away by working for pennies and successfully imitating our accents so callers don’t know that they’re Indian, they’re successfully mimicking American obesity! The Washington Post reports this morning to millions of cookie- and pie-addled readers that Americans aren’t alone in our cheerful and unhealthy fatness anymore, now that Indians sit around all day on their butts in front of their computers talking to us.

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It’s Friday afternoon. Have you tendered your resignation yet? No? Well, if you’re not planning on spending more time with your family, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up with Today’s Cartoons. But we wouldn’t want you to wade through that cesspool alone — no, we have with us, as always, trusty editorial cartoon sherpa The Comics Curmudgeon to guide you on your journey.

This week: take a guess. Immigration, gas prices, and fat kids. Oh, and a Clinton dick joke. Just like Imus! After the jump, the weekly cartoon roundup Rich Cohen finds endlessly unamusing.

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We’ve blogged about Governor Mike Huckabee’s media meltdown, as well as the rumor — now somewhat confirmed — that his daughter Sarah has moved back to Arkansas to help raise funds for his 2008 presidential run.

(By the way, we’ve heard that Sarah is “a really sweet person.” Maybe she can serve as her father’s goodwill ambassador to the Arkansas Times.)

But we haven’t yet touched upon what has been getting Governor Huckabee the most MSM attention today: the initiative that he and Bill Clinton just announced, under which many soft drink makers will remove their high-calorie beverages from schools around the country. Both Huckabee and Clinton have been involved in the movement against childhood obesity.

Sounds like a sure PR winner for Huckabee, right? Well, maybe not. After the jump, check out some interesting information provided to us by a caffeine-free Democratic operative.

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Last week, we introduced you to Cartoon Violence, wherein our resident cartoon expert The Comics Curmudgeon, who read Hi & Lois at Oxford, marches grimly through Today’s Comics so you don’t have to (not that you probably feel too much of a need to, really, but presumably someone does, right?).

This week: CC believes that children are our future. Cartoonists seem to have never met any. Get yr crosshatch on, after the jump.

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* Surgeon General Richard Carmona: “Obesity is the terror within.” (Our solution: have the NSA eavesdrop on fat people.) [AP] MORE »