Tag: obamaphones

Middle Class Better Off Than It’s Been Since Bush’s Financial Crisis, THANKS OBAMA

We got all your SEXXXY ECONOMIC NEWS right here!
The REAL numbers are far worse, like when you include retired people and children!

Trump Delegates Can’t Believe How Terrible The Economy Is For Everyone But Them

Republican convention delegates are really disappointed the economy is in such terrible shape, except where they're from, where things are great in spite of Barack Obama, not because of anything he did.
That's his "I'm going to pull over this car!" face.

Speaker Paul Ryan Will Swat Donald Trump On His Bottom For Being Naughty Racist

If there's one thing that makes Republicans say "Oh my stars!" and "Well I never!" it is racism. STOP LAUGHING, we are not done writing this lede yet. As we all know, Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr....
PRETTY MUCH.

Fox News: Barack Obama Wants To Unpoison Flint’s Water Because He Is Racist, Q.E.D.

Damn those people in Flint, Michigan, with their fake poisoned water and their evil master plans to get more of The Blacks to vote for Democrats! What? You didn't know? Let's catch you up on what's going on in...

Mike Huckabee Dreams Of Sugarplums, Hillary’s Vagina, For Christmas

Turns out the reason for the season is Hillary Clinton's vagina. Who knew? But all the Republican fellers can't stop yapping about Hillary's heyyy gurl -- which is very unfair to Jeb, somehow -- and Mike Huckabee wants to get in...

Rick Santorum Knows Unaccompanied Honduran Babies Just In It For The Obamaphones

Rick Santorum cares about one thing, as everybody knows, and that is the children. OK, he cares about butt-fucking too, like, way too much. But we are talking about Rick Santorum and kids and how he is the Number...
Republican primary voters are ready for the big event!

Time To Watch Republicans Sniff Donald Trump’s Jockstrap Again: Your Debate Preview

HOORAY AND HALLELUJAH, it's the day absolutely everybody in the world has been waiting for, when the Republicans still running for president come together (again) to fight over how Donald Trump is just the meanest (yep!), and why is...
Jesus's favorite prophet.

Crazy Tongue-Speaking Prophet Lady Running For Mayor … Of Our Hearts!

Wonkers, are you ready to meet your new best friend? Her name is Opal Covey, she is 75 years old, and she is running for mayor of Toledo (Ohio, not Spain, geography nerds). You excited yet? Did we mention...
Salacious!

Indiana Republican Sorry For Sending Everybody His Sex Tape, Will Resign Now

UH OH, is it Cocktober yet? No, we still have one more day before the annual festival where all the politicians of both parties (but mostly Republicans) unzip their onesies and start rubbing their genitals against constituents, hooker sex...
Obama's magazine cover JUST KIDDING LOL

Wingnuts: Sure, Josh Duggar Molested Kids, But Barack Obama Molested America Way Worse

Pollsters are hilarious sometimes. Talking Points Memo has the results of a new poll from Public Policy Polling, asking people which do they like better:  The Duggar family, kid-touching and all, or Barack Obama? You will be so shocked...
Bad president bad!

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was...
Tell 'em about the talents again

Fox News Has Thoughts On Obama’s ‘Leeches’ Speech. They Are Bad Thoughts!

Oh, there goes Barack Obama again, beating up on the crusading journalists of Fox News for having the guts to selectively depict poor people as terrible leeches. At a Georgetown University event Tuesday, Obama said media narratives have presented...
It's a book. For kids. Shut up.

Oh Great, Now Obama Wants Poor Kids To Read Books, Will This White House Ever Stop?

Look what the Tyrant Obama is up to now! He's got some half-cocked idea that poor kids should be able to read books, FOR FREE, instead of paying their fair share. So he's announcing a program Thursday to give...
Not an exact rendering of the Senate cafeteria.

Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About

There is a piece in The Guardian written by Bertrand Olotara, one of the many service workers who ensures that Congress even HAS a place in which to grandstand, or alternately, sit around and do nothing. Olotara is a cook...
At this point the governor does not know she has greasy Vaseline lube in her purse.

In Maine, A Chafed A**Hole Gets Vaseline

Maine governor Paul LePage is a real shitbag. In 2013, he said a mean about Democratic state senator Troy Jackson, specifically that Jackson does rude things to Mainers in their butts, or more precisely that he "claims to be...
Hi, I'm a douchebag, you can tell by my face.

Missouri D*ckhead Rep. Will Stop Poors From Depleting State’s Sushi Supply

Missouri state Rep. Rick Brattin is at it again, addressing the the Real Problems affecting his state. Last year, he made news for a bill that would simply require ladies to get permission slips from the men what had...