Tag Archives: Obama

  the wages of sin

Mean New York Lady Judge Tells Strip Club Lap Dances Are Taxable

Sorry, New York City strip club aficionados, but you are probably going to be shelling out a bit more coin to naked ladies who pretend to like you for a few moments, because the New York State Division of Tax Appeals recently ruled that lap dances are not artistic performances and are therefore taxable. Read more on Mean New York Lady Judge Tells Strip Club Lap Dances Are Taxable…
  the thrill of victory and the agony of maureen dowd

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition

Maybe you missed that there’s a sporting competition/clash of nations going on, so the NYT will make sure you have one million Olympics words to read. You think you don’t need to read those words because you already saw everything on TV, but you misunderestimate the NYT for their ability to run quirky pieces that get little details no one else does. Take, for instance, their piece on yesterday’s women’s mogul race. Did you watch moguls yesterday? Moguls are ridic, what with the skiing over horrifying enormous bumps and then also too needing to do flippy shit off of ramps mid-run. There was an American favorite in the race, Hannah Kearney, that you could not escape hearing about because American. The NYT covers a bit of that, but then goes on to tell you things like what music they played at the event. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition…
  open wide

Obama Will Not Stop Trying To Cram A Gay Black Judge Down Marco Rubio’s Throat

Last year, Barack Obama began his unending quest to ram Florida’s tender throat with an openly gay black judge, but Marco Rubio intervened and saved all of Florida, hallelujah Jesus be praised, because if one of the Senators from the nominee’s state doesn’t like him, that’s a nomination killer. Rubio blocked state court judge William Thomas but definitely not because he was gay you guys. It was totally because of how he was all lenient in a couple criminal cases except for the part where the prosecutor supported his sentence in one case and everyone was ultimately convicted anyway in the other one. Eventually, even though the backlog of cases in federal courts is fucking absurd, Bamz withdrew Thomas’s nomination. Hooray! The scourge of teh ghey would torment Florida no more and the people rejoiced and were glad for a brief and shining moment until Obama nominated yet another homosexxican blah person to judge Florida. Read more on Obama Will Not Stop Trying To Cram A Gay Black Judge Down Marco Rubio’s Throat…
  the conspiracy goes all the way to the top

Birther Lawyer Philip Berg Forgot To Do Anything Other Than Sue Obama And Is Now Suspended

Remember way back on Monday when we lawsplained to you how inveterate fabulist Stephen Glass did not get to be a lawyer in California because of the ceaseless lying (and racisms!), and you guys were all like OH YEAH WHAT ABOUT BIRTHER QUEEN ORLY TAITZ, HMMM? SHE IS STILL A LAWYER, HENNNGGHH? We do not control the Supreme Court of California and cannot fix this problem for you, and Ms. Taitz sadly remains allowed to practice. However, the US Supremes did claim the scalp of another famous birther lawyer, Philip Berg, after Pennsylvania suspended him from practicing for two years. What was his crime? Loving hating Obama so much that he kind of forgot he had other things to work on. Read more on Birther Lawyer Philip Berg Forgot To Do Anything Other Than Sue Obama And Is Now Suspended…
  something for everyone

America’s New Boyfriend Randy Weber Likes Long Walks, Snuggling, And Calling Obama A Socialist — Just Like You!

Sorry, were you feeling left out because we told you that Cathy McMorris Rodgers was America’s New Sweetheart, but your sweetheart tastes do not run towards ladies, thankyewverymuch? Never fear. We are all-inclusive in our sweetheart finding and loving and praising here at Wonkette, and we have found you a delightful male counterpart to Chatty Cathy. Ladies and Gentlemen who prefer Gentlemen, we give you America’s New Sweetheart, Boy-Flavored Edition: Rep. Randy Weber. Randy was already on our radar thanks to his tireless devotion to making sure that he shall never have to endure the spectre of a gay marriage right there in front of his good Christian eyes. Dammit. We’re sorry if this is going to make it awkward for you boy types that were hoping to someday join in holy matrimony with your new crush object Randy, but at this point, we are limited to two new sweethearts. Think of them like a really malevolent prom king and queen. But enough about your pathetic search for love. Let’s learn about Randy! Randy turned pro last night during the State of the Union by kicking his Twitter feed into high gear with the sort of snotty tweets usually reserved for people with egg avatars and zero followers. Read more on America’s New Boyfriend Randy Weber Likes Long Walks, Snuggling, And Calling Obama A Socialist — Just Like You!…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  spoiler alert

Obama Will Tyrannize America Tonight By Raising The Federal Contract Minimum Wage

You already know that we are hoping HARD for some State of the Union drama tonight, but we were figuring that it would come from Michelle throat-ramming America with gay sportsthugs. That’s a fine start, but we are your fucking base, Obama. Give us some red meat we can tear apart and devour and come up with a bloodstained toothy grin as right-wingers threaten to storm the barricades because socialism’s a-comin’ just like they always toldja. We should not have counted Obama out, because it looks like he is going to pound his executive order fascist hammer all over America’s face tonight by forcing America’s job creators to pay lazy takers with federal job contracts a higher minimum wage. President Barack Obama will announce during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address that he’s raising the minimum wage for workers under federal contracts to $10.10 per hour, an administration official told The Huffington Post. The new policy, to be instituted via executive order, may affect hundreds of thousands of workers whose jobs are supported by federal dollars. The move is designed in part to ratchet up pressure on Congress to pass legislation raising the minimum wage for all workers. The current federal minimum wage stands at $7.25 per hour, and hasn’t been raised since 2009, after the last of a series of increases signed into law by then-President George W. Bush. BOOM. Read more on Obama Will Tyrannize America Tonight By Raising The Federal Contract Minimum Wage…
  deep throat

Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union

Were you hoping for a complete wingnut implosion over this year’s State of the Union? Oh come on of course you were, because otherwise that thing is just so boring. You really need something like a “YOU LIE” or baby Scalia aka Sam Alito eye roll to make your night complete. This year, expect maximum levels of freakout over the fact that a blackity black black gay sportsball player is going to sit in the Presidential Box with Michelle Obama during the SOTU. First Lady Michelle Obama’s guest list for her husband’s State of the Union Address has been released, and several members of the sports community will be in attendance. Jason Collins, the first openly gay active NBA player, and two survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing will join the first lady in the presidential box as President Obama addresses the nation on Tuesday night. Shhh. Listen. Do you hear it? That’s the sound of a thousand inexplicably still employed right wing hacks sharpening their pencils and dulling their minds so they can use this opportunity to explain how this is just like Obama got up and dick-slapped our lord Jesus Christ right there on stage, because, as Ben Shapiro so astutely noted when Collins came out, if you refuse to use religion to shame the homosexuals, you hate God. Read more on Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union…
  worst after-school special ever

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Rand Paul Edition With Extra-Special Guest Star The Washington Post

Oh hello there. Happy Sunday! Were you just chillin’ out maxin’ and relaxin’ or were you thinking “gosh, I would really like to read eleventy million words about Rand Paul”? If the latter, the Sunday New York Times has got your back, Jack. Did we read the complete history of Rand, son of Ron? Oh, heavens no! But we did skim it long enough to make our way to our very favorite thing about modern libertarianism: that Canadian rock band Rush is their musical vanguard. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Rand Paul Edition With Extra-Special Guest Star The Washington Post…
  fight! fight! fight!

Rush Limbaugh And Ben Shapiro Catch Bieber Fever

Are you tired of thinking of Justin Bieber? Too bad, because now we’ve had some derpy weigh-ins from Rush Limbaugh AND Ben Shapiro, and even better, they do not agree with each other about the social meta-significance of Justin Bieber, so you just know we’re going to talk about it some more. Read more on Rush Limbaugh And Ben Shapiro Catch Bieber Fever…
  time's a wastin'

Megyn Kelly Wishes Mitch McConnell Would Stop Being So Shiftless And Impeach Obama Already

We have said this before and we will say it again. We do not actually think Megyn Kelly is dumb. Well, we think she is dumb in the sort of way we think leggings worn as pants are dumb, which is to say we think they shouldn’t exist. But we do not think Megyn Kelly lacks IQ points, although that conviction was shaken recently when she definitively declared the race of an entirely fictional being to be white because duh, Santa, white. All that said, we’re getting a little tiny bit worried about old Megyn, because she now seems to be losing brain cells at an alarming rate like the guy in Flowers for Algernon,along with a corresponding rise in the sort of bullyboy thinking that Fox specializes in. Witness Monday’s impeachment chat with Mitch McConnell (R-Turtle). Read more on Megyn Kelly Wishes Mitch McConnell Would Stop Being So Shiftless And Impeach Obama Already…
  the times they are a-changing back

WND Writer Figures Out Democrats’ Secret Plan To Chaos America Right Into A New World Order

You guys, David Kupelian over at WND has eavesdropped on the secret No Republicans Allowed treehouse and figured out all of the Democrats’ evil plans! We are so busted. He knows that the entire point of Obamacare and really of Obama himself is just to create chaos so that we can grab everyone’s guns and make a one-world Agenda 21 government like we’ve always dreamed of. But unfortunately, Bamz hasn’t done enough to distract or wreck America. Sure, he trashed the health care system, says Kupelian, but he can do so much better than that, like maybe faking an assassination attempt or a terror attack, hmmmm? Read more on WND Writer Figures Out Democrats’ Secret Plan To Chaos America Right Into A New World Order…
  Steal My Sunshine

The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama

Are you part of the one-hundred-and-eleventy percent of America that is freezing right now? Have you barricaded yourself in your house and then set the house on fire, for warmth? Have you taken to wearing your pets as housecoats? Whose fault is that, hmmmmm? Is it global warming causing increasingly catastrophic weather? Is it a new ice age? Nope! It is Michelle Obama’s ravenous and careless need for sun on her bare arms, which everyone knows literally takes the sun away from you, you poor landlocked Midwestern bastard, and drops it on her sleeveless guns over in foreign Hawaii. Up until now, you weren’t sure that it was FLOTUS’ fault, though you had an inkling, but the Washington Times is here to connect the dots for you. Read more on The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama…
  an armed society is an impolite society

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Guns Beat Butter Every Time Edition

Today’s New York Times dives right in to making sure that conservatives hate it, and not just because it isn’t just wall-to-wall birf certificate yelling and hilarious cartoons about lynching the president and reviews of new Ted Nugent albums. The Times is glorifying the apostate gun writers, who are one step away from gun grabbers. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Guns Beat Butter Every Time Edition…
  how girl get pregnant?

Obama Forces Israel To Abort All Babbies At U.S. Taxpayer Expense

Oh, Israel. You are the focus of conservative End Times fetishists everywhere, because the Christian end of the world narrative runs right through you (sorry!) and that makes you beloved by a certain brand of weirdo. Also, too, you’re our new best friend because we broke up with England. WE BROKE UP WITH THEM FIRST DAMMIT no matter what they say. Conservatives also dig on how some among you have some fucked up retrograde notions about ladies and how certain types of praying is just for the menz. But now, Israel, you are making the conservatives very very sad, because you are holding a big abortion jamboree and you are going to cram mandatory abortions down the throat of all ladies thanks to your socialist medicine. Israel will pay for abortions for women aged 20 to 33 regardless of circumstance starting next year, health officials said Monday, adding that they hope to make eligibilty for state funding universal in the future. Until now, subsidized abortions for women of all ages were available in medical emergencies or in case of rape and sexual abuse. Women under the age of 20 or over 40 were also eligible for abortion funding even when the reason was personal. Read more on Obama Forces Israel To Abort All Babbies At U.S. Taxpayer Expense…
  happiness is a warm meal and a gun

Toby Keith Will Not Allow Guns In His Fancy Eatin’ Restaurant So The Terrorists Have Already Won

It’s tough when your heroes let you down. Take Toby Keith, for example. His restaurant, Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill, should be a place where a man brings his guns and his prayer book and his Obummer = Socialist shirt. But Toby Keith turns out to be a filthy gun-hating Democrat liebrul. Read more on Toby Keith Will Not Allow Guns In His Fancy Eatin’ Restaurant So The Terrorists Have Already Won…
  a good day to die gay

Ohio Judge Joins Utah Judge In Gay Rights Throat-Cram-o-Rama

And the drumbeat march of teh gheys oppressing straight conservatives everywhere goes on. Since Friday, when a federal district court judge in Utah invalidated that state’s same-sex marriage ban, hundreds of gay people have gotten married, which means, of course, that hundreds of straight marriages have been destroyed because that’s always a 1:1 ratio, duh. Now, Ohio has its own freedom-hating throat-cramming activist judge, who just had the audacity to rule that even though Ohio itself doesn’t recognize gay marriage, it does recognize out of state marriages, which means that when you kick the bucket in Ohio but you managed to get gay married elsewhere, Ohio has to recognize your big old gay married death certificate. Read more on Ohio Judge Joins Utah Judge In Gay Rights Throat-Cram-o-Rama…
  tis the season

Christian Patriot Guy Graciously Offers To Kill President, Ensures Himself Holiday Visit From Secret Service

Hey, Wonkedorians, what are you up to this Thanksgiving, or Hanukkah, or Thanksgivukkah? Were you hoping that the Secret Service would bust down your door during the turkey carving, or would you prefer they wait until later in the day when you’re drunk on the couch watching football? Then consider declaring that you have the authority to shoot Obama because of argle bargle constitution blatherskite. It’s sure to guarantee you extra visitors on your special day. “We now have authority to shoot Obama, i.e., to kill him,” [Everest Wilhelmen, leader of the Christian American Patriots Militia] posted on his Facebook page. “His willful violations and alienation of our Constitution, constant disregard for our peaceful protests and corruption of all the three branches of government, (i.e., rogue and illegitimate government), reveal the dictator that he is. Obama and his co-conspirators disrespect our Constitution (constitutional rule of law) and abuse the American people.” Read more on Christian Patriot Guy Graciously Offers To Kill President, Ensures Himself Holiday Visit From Secret Service…
  I'll show you mine

North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment

Finally, here’s a story about an idiot with a gun that we can laugh at without feeling like terrible people! Last Tuesday evening, Some Unknown Guy went to the Winkler Street GNC in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, like we all do when we need to buy some foul-tasting dehydrated fat to make us fatter, or just to shoot the breeze with the people who work at GNC, who are our dear friends. That Tuesday, the conversation turned as usual to our American Second Amendment Right To Wave Around Guns Like A Moron, and you’ll never guess what happened next. Read more on North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment…
  walk like a woman and talk like a man

Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats

So it looks like Obama is no longer content with wrecking our country with his socialist health care and his general Kenyan Muslin pretendering. First, he made the Marines use umbrellas to cover his treasonous head. Now, in a move we all should have seen coming, thanks to what a monster in human form he is, Obama has now decided to make our glorious proud marines into girly men. READ MORE Read more on Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats…
  blue is the color of my true love's bike

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Old Man Yells At Clouds Edition

Oh, New York Times. We mock, but we love. Really, we love. But we love you like we love a great-uncle who is delightfully politically astute and well-informed, but stops himself mid-discourse on the intricacies of whether to succumb to censorship in China to sell your book there to shake his fists impotently at the sky and kids these days and what on earth are these two-wheeled vehicles clogging up my NYC roadways dammit. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Old Man Yells At Clouds Edition…
  revisionist history is the best history

Rush Limbaugh: Obama Reached Back In Time To Create Bad Economy Before He Even Took Office

So what is up with giant bloviating bag of gas Rush Limbaugh lately? Oh, just some painfully easy-to-mock made-up economic history wherein Clinton did bad things, Bamz caused bad things to happen BACKWARDS IN TIME just by being black, and George W. Bush was a white knight that tried to fix it all with regulators, who are apparently cool under Republican regimes but not under Democratic ones. You know, same old. Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Obama Reached Back In Time To Create Bad Economy Before He Even Took Office…