Tag Archives: Obama

  spoiler alert

Obama Will Tyrannize America Tonight By Raising The Federal Contract Minimum Wage

You already know that we are hoping HARD for some State of the Union drama tonight, but we were figuring that it would come from Michelle throat-ramming America with gay sportsthugs. That’s a fine start, but we are your fucking base, Obama. Give us some red meat we can tear apart and devour and come up with a bloodstained toothy grin as right-wingers threaten to storm the barricades because socialism’s a-comin’ just like they always toldja. We should not have counted Obama out, because it looks like he is going to pound his executive order fascist hammer all over America’s face tonight by forcing America’s job creators to pay lazy takers with federal job contracts a higher minimum wage. President Barack Obama will announce during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address that he’s raising the minimum wage for workers under federal contracts to $10.10 per hour, an administration official told The Huffington Post. The new policy, to be instituted via executive order, may affect hundreds of thousands of workers whose jobs are supported by federal dollars. The move is designed in part to ratchet up pressure on Congress to pass legislation raising the minimum wage for all workers. The current federal minimum wage stands at $7.25 per hour, and hasn’t been raised since 2009, after the last of a series of increases signed into law by then-President George W. Bush. BOOM. Read more on Obama Will Tyrannize America Tonight By Raising The Federal Contract Minimum Wage…
  deep throat

Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union

Were you hoping for a complete wingnut implosion over this year’s State of the Union? Oh come on of course you were, because otherwise that thing is just so boring. You really need something like a “YOU LIE” or baby Scalia aka Sam Alito eye roll to make your night complete. This year, expect maximum levels of freakout over the fact that a blackity black black gay sportsball player is going to sit in the Presidential Box with Michelle Obama during the SOTU. First Lady Michelle Obama’s guest list for her husband’s State of the Union Address has been released, and several members of the sports community will be in attendance. Jason Collins, the first openly gay active NBA player, and two survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing will join the first lady in the presidential box as President Obama addresses the nation on Tuesday night. Shhh. Listen. Do you hear it? That’s the sound of a thousand inexplicably still employed right wing hacks sharpening their pencils and dulling their minds so they can use this opportunity to explain how this is just like Obama got up and dick-slapped our lord Jesus Christ right there on stage, because, as Ben Shapiro so astutely noted when Collins came out, if you refuse to use religion to shame the homosexuals, you hate God. Read more on Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union…
  worst after-school special ever

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Rand Paul Edition With Extra-Special Guest Star The Washington Post

Oh hello there. Happy Sunday! Were you just chillin’ out maxin’ and relaxin’ or were you thinking “gosh, I would really like to read eleventy million words about Rand Paul”? If the latter, the Sunday New York Times has got your back, Jack. Did we read the complete history of Rand, son of Ron? Oh, heavens no! But we did skim it long enough to make our way to our very favorite thing about modern libertarianism: that Canadian rock band Rush is their musical vanguard. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Rand Paul Edition With Extra-Special Guest Star The Washington Post…
  fight! fight! fight!

Rush Limbaugh And Ben Shapiro Catch Bieber Fever

Are you tired of thinking of Justin Bieber? Too bad, because now we’ve had some derpy weigh-ins from Rush Limbaugh AND Ben Shapiro, and even better, they do not agree with each other about the social meta-significance of Justin Bieber, so you just know we’re going to talk about it some more. Read more on Rush Limbaugh And Ben Shapiro Catch Bieber Fever…
  time's a wastin'

Megyn Kelly Wishes Mitch McConnell Would Stop Being So Shiftless And Impeach Obama Already

We have said this before and we will say it again. We do not actually think Megyn Kelly is dumb. Well, we think she is dumb in the sort of way we think leggings worn as pants are dumb, which is to say we think they shouldn’t exist. But we do not think Megyn Kelly lacks IQ points, although that conviction was shaken recently when she definitively declared the race of an entirely fictional being to be white because duh, Santa, white. All that said, we’re getting a little tiny bit worried about old Megyn, because she now seems to be losing brain cells at an alarming rate like the guy in Flowers for Algernon,along with a corresponding rise in the sort of bullyboy thinking that Fox specializes in. Witness Monday’s impeachment chat with Mitch McConnell (R-Turtle). Read more on Megyn Kelly Wishes Mitch McConnell Would Stop Being So Shiftless And Impeach Obama Already…
  the times they are a-changing back

WND Writer Figures Out Democrats’ Secret Plan To Chaos America Right Into A New World Order

You guys, David Kupelian over at WND has eavesdropped on the secret No Republicans Allowed treehouse and figured out all of the Democrats’ evil plans! We are so busted. He knows that the entire point of Obamacare and really of Obama himself is just to create chaos so that we can grab everyone’s guns and make a one-world Agenda 21 government like we’ve always dreamed of. But unfortunately, Bamz hasn’t done enough to distract or wreck America. Sure, he trashed the health care system, says Kupelian, but he can do so much better than that, like maybe faking an assassination attempt or a terror attack, hmmmm? Read more on WND Writer Figures Out Democrats’ Secret Plan To Chaos America Right Into A New World Order…
  Steal My Sunshine

The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama

Are you part of the one-hundred-and-eleventy percent of America that is freezing right now? Have you barricaded yourself in your house and then set the house on fire, for warmth? Have you taken to wearing your pets as housecoats? Whose fault is that, hmmmmm? Is it global warming causing increasingly catastrophic weather? Is it a new ice age? Nope! It is Michelle Obama’s ravenous and careless need for sun on her bare arms, which everyone knows literally takes the sun away from you, you poor landlocked Midwestern bastard, and drops it on her sleeveless guns over in foreign Hawaii. Up until now, you weren’t sure that it was FLOTUS’ fault, though you had an inkling, but the Washington Times is here to connect the dots for you. Read more on The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama…
  an armed society is an impolite society

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Guns Beat Butter Every Time Edition

Today’s New York Times dives right in to making sure that conservatives hate it, and not just because it isn’t just wall-to-wall birf certificate yelling and hilarious cartoons about lynching the president and reviews of new Ted Nugent albums. The Times is glorifying the apostate gun writers, who are one step away from gun grabbers. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Guns Beat Butter Every Time Edition…
  how girl get pregnant?

Obama Forces Israel To Abort All Babbies At U.S. Taxpayer Expense

Oh, Israel. You are the focus of conservative End Times fetishists everywhere, because the Christian end of the world narrative runs right through you (sorry!) and that makes you beloved by a certain brand of weirdo. Also, too, you’re our new best friend because we broke up with England. WE BROKE UP WITH THEM FIRST DAMMIT no matter what they say. Conservatives also dig on how some among you have some fucked up retrograde notions about ladies and how certain types of praying is just for the menz. But now, Israel, you are making the conservatives very very sad, because you are holding a big abortion jamboree and you are going to cram mandatory abortions down the throat of all ladies thanks to your socialist medicine. Israel will pay for abortions for women aged 20 to 33 regardless of circumstance starting next year, health officials said Monday, adding that they hope to make eligibilty for state funding universal in the future. Until now, subsidized abortions for women of all ages were available in medical emergencies or in case of rape and sexual abuse. Women under the age of 20 or over 40 were also eligible for abortion funding even when the reason was personal. Read more on Obama Forces Israel To Abort All Babbies At U.S. Taxpayer Expense…
  happiness is a warm meal and a gun

Toby Keith Will Not Allow Guns In His Fancy Eatin’ Restaurant So The Terrorists Have Already Won

It’s tough when your heroes let you down. Take Toby Keith, for example. His restaurant, Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill, should be a place where a man brings his guns and his prayer book and his Obummer = Socialist shirt. But Toby Keith turns out to be a filthy gun-hating Democrat liebrul. Read more on Toby Keith Will Not Allow Guns In His Fancy Eatin’ Restaurant So The Terrorists Have Already Won…
  a good day to die gay

Ohio Judge Joins Utah Judge In Gay Rights Throat-Cram-o-Rama

And the drumbeat march of teh gheys oppressing straight conservatives everywhere goes on. Since Friday, when a federal district court judge in Utah invalidated that state’s same-sex marriage ban, hundreds of gay people have gotten married, which means, of course, that hundreds of straight marriages have been destroyed because that’s always a 1:1 ratio, duh. Now, Ohio has its own freedom-hating throat-cramming activist judge, who just had the audacity to rule that even though Ohio itself doesn’t recognize gay marriage, it does recognize out of state marriages, which means that when you kick the bucket in Ohio but you managed to get gay married elsewhere, Ohio has to recognize your big old gay married death certificate. Read more on Ohio Judge Joins Utah Judge In Gay Rights Throat-Cram-o-Rama…
  tis the season

Christian Patriot Guy Graciously Offers To Kill President, Ensures Himself Holiday Visit From Secret Service

Hey, Wonkedorians, what are you up to this Thanksgiving, or Hanukkah, or Thanksgivukkah? Were you hoping that the Secret Service would bust down your door during the turkey carving, or would you prefer they wait until later in the day when you’re drunk on the couch watching football? Then consider declaring that you have the authority to shoot Obama because of argle bargle constitution blatherskite. It’s sure to guarantee you extra visitors on your special day. “We now have authority to shoot Obama, i.e., to kill him,” [Everest Wilhelmen, leader of the Christian American Patriots Militia] posted on his Facebook page. “His willful violations and alienation of our Constitution, constant disregard for our peaceful protests and corruption of all the three branches of government, (i.e., rogue and illegitimate government), reveal the dictator that he is. Obama and his co-conspirators disrespect our Constitution (constitutional rule of law) and abuse the American people.” Read more on Christian Patriot Guy Graciously Offers To Kill President, Ensures Himself Holiday Visit From Secret Service…
  I'll show you mine

North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment

Finally, here’s a story about an idiot with a gun that we can laugh at without feeling like terrible people! Last Tuesday evening, Some Unknown Guy went to the Winkler Street GNC in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, like we all do when we need to buy some foul-tasting dehydrated fat to make us fatter, or just to shoot the breeze with the people who work at GNC, who are our dear friends. That Tuesday, the conversation turned as usual to our American Second Amendment Right To Wave Around Guns Like A Moron, and you’ll never guess what happened next. Read more on North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment…
  walk like a woman and talk like a man

Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats

So it looks like Obama is no longer content with wrecking our country with his socialist health care and his general Kenyan Muslin pretendering. First, he made the Marines use umbrellas to cover his treasonous head. Now, in a move we all should have seen coming, thanks to what a monster in human form he is, Obama has now decided to make our glorious proud marines into girly men. READ MORE Read more on Obama Is Going To Take Away All The Man-ness From Man Marines By Making Them Wear Fancy Lady Hats…
  blue is the color of my true love's bike

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Old Man Yells At Clouds Edition

Oh, New York Times. We mock, but we love. Really, we love. But we love you like we love a great-uncle who is delightfully politically astute and well-informed, but stops himself mid-discourse on the intricacies of whether to succumb to censorship in China to sell your book there to shake his fists impotently at the sky and kids these days and what on earth are these two-wheeled vehicles clogging up my NYC roadways dammit. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Old Man Yells At Clouds Edition…
  revisionist history is the best history

Rush Limbaugh: Obama Reached Back In Time To Create Bad Economy Before He Even Took Office

So what is up with giant bloviating bag of gas Rush Limbaugh lately? Oh, just some painfully easy-to-mock made-up economic history wherein Clinton did bad things, Bamz caused bad things to happen BACKWARDS IN TIME just by being black, and George W. Bush was a white knight that tried to fix it all with regulators, who are apparently cool under Republican regimes but not under Democratic ones. You know, same old. Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Obama Reached Back In Time To Create Bad Economy Before He Even Took Office…
  unforced error

Sen. Mike Lee Loses The Script, Admits GOP Is ‘Holding Government Functions Hostage’

A hundred years from now, maybe a dozen misanthropic trolls will know that Mike Lee was a Republican Senator from Utah and that he was dear friends with our first Canadian president, Ted Cruz. But in the here and now, Mike Lee is important, or something, at least we guess he is because we keep reading his name, and the words he said. Like these: [L]et’s leave Obamacare for another day and not hold the vast majority of government functions hostage when the vast majority of government functions don’t have anything to do with the implementation and enforcement of Obamacare. Not a bad idea, Mike Lee, and thank you for your candor! It’s so refreshing to hear a Republican admit that his party is holding “the vast majority of government functions hostage” in order to sabotage a law they don’t like. Oh, this isn’t what Mike Lee was trying to say? It would be unfair to imply this? DO NOT CARE. RUBICON CROSSED. Read more on Sen. Mike Lee Loses The Script, Admits GOP Is ‘Holding Government Functions Hostage’…
  have some 'me time'

Obama Sends ‘Dear John’ Letter To Federal Workers: It’s Not You, It’s Congress

Happy shutdown day! Today, federal employees get a taste of life as a blogger: wake up, realize you are not essential, pour vodka on your cornflakes as you wallow in your flannel pajamas all day. At least you can comfortably watch porn without worrying about your supervisor interrupting your wanking — life is good, eh? But if you are a federal employee, don’t despair too much! In fact, Our Glorious Guiding Star of Socialism Himself, Lord Commander Barack Obama has sent you a letter! Just for you … and your millions of federal brethren and sistern(?), too. What words of inspiration did he have for you? Let’s sexplore.  Read more on Obama Sends ‘Dear John’ Letter To Federal Workers: It’s Not You, It’s Congress…
  we better stop or we'll go blind

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: The Edition That Made Us Feel Good In That Special Way

For some, reading the Sunday New York Times is the ultimate in masturbatory opulence. Would you like to learn about how private jets are getting more affordable because they are now in the reach of super affluent people instead of small-country-owning affluent people? Sure, why not! How about reading how the rich buy $2.4 million houses and then squabble over $750, because they’re just like us, if we were jerkwad tightwads? Howzabout some unholy Google Glass/modeling mashup thingy from New York Fashion week where you can see a picture of Google founder Sergey Brin attired in his best shady/comical Eastern European gangster gear? If none of these completely unattainable candyland fantasy activities please you for your Sunday self-pleasure, perhaps you are a Republican and you would like to fap to the perennial, but still super-sexy, fever dream of impeaching Bamz that we talked about only a few days ago? Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: The Edition That Made Us Feel Good In That Special Way…
  just wait until his head rotates completely around

Third-Rate Teevee Preacher Tells All: Obama Is Possessed By Demons And That’s Why We Have The NSA

Hey ‘Merica! We’ve certainly had some complex conversations about surveillance lately. Go us! USA! USA! We’ve discussed whether Bamz has betrayed progressives, whether we want to make sweet sweet love to travelin’ man Edward Snowden, (though not if we are dudes because Russia frowns on the gay sexing), or whether we feel like meh, someone is always watching us so suck it up, princess. Fuck all that. Fuck your complex discussions and your deep thinking and all your secular nonsense. The real thing you need to be considering is how all of this searchin’, seizin’, and surveillin’ is because Obama is possessed by demons: Read more on Third-Rate Teevee Preacher Tells All: Obama Is Possessed By Demons And That’s Why We Have The NSA…
  quiet rooms

Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?

After years of trying to hide his commie pinko inclinations with aggressive free market policies and inclinations towards a deregulatory economic landscape, President Obama is FINALLY letting his socialist freak flag fly–and he’s doing it in PUBLIC, no less, where he has been talking about income inequality and its effect on America’s social fabric. Did you forget that he had made some big speeches about the middle class this week? We did too, because we were busy being distracted by Anthony Weiner‘s Carlos Danger’s penis, but luckily, the New York Times has written an article about Obama’s pivot to open socialist commie Marxism, (probably to distract everyone from BENGHAZI). Read more on Why Does Barack Obama Hate Rich People Today?…
  brains the size of really small grapes

Congresscritter Steve King’s Fan Fiction About Ubermenschen Mexican Drug Mules Is Getting Really Weird, You Guys

You know what is the fucking worst? Your angry uncle/aunt/cousin/dog/toaster/whatever who tries to derail holiday conversations by just dropping into the middle of them with some fact-free racist bullshit. If your toaster got elected to Congress, it would be Steve King. What is Uncle Steve blathering on about this time? The Messicans, of course, and how they’re all drug mules hauling the marijuana because of course they are: In an interview with the conservative website Newsmax, the anti-immigration crusader was asked about “amnesty” and the DREAM Act, which would give undocumented immigrants who were brought to the U.S. as children a path to permanent residency. The Iowa congressman had this to say about “DREAMers”: “Some of them are valedictorians — and their parents brought them in. It wasn’t their fault. It’s true in some cases, but they aren’t all valedictorians. They weren’t all brought in by their parents. For every one who’s a valedictorian, there’s another 100 out there who weigh 130 pounds — and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’ve been hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert.” Read more on Congresscritter Steve King’s Fan Fiction About Ubermenschen Mexican Drug Mules Is Getting Really Weird, You Guys…