The White House does not want the media calling it a “retreat,” so by simple rules of obnoxiousness: the full Obama Cabinet is having a big retreat this weekend! They are going to an outdoor adventure camp to do such things as, oh, whatsitcalled, you know that thing where there’s a big tall wall, and everyone has to get over the wall, so the fatties get lifted up by the entire group first and roll over, while the most sprightly fellow jumps last and just barely makes it, and then it’s like “Blah, we’re a team now” and stuff? They’re doing that one a few times on this retreat. No, they’re not. MORE »

Do things feel just a little more exciting today? That’s hardly surprising, because the Barack Obama Administration is now 99 days old, which is exactly one (1) day shy of the super-important 100th birthday of the First Hundred Days. How is our young, useless, radical foreign-born Chicago street thug from Indonesia dealing with the stress? Sources say he started off the day by strangling the military imbecile who approved yesterday’s thrilling 9/11 air parade in Manhattan, then he signed an executive order making it legal to kick the shit out of Mitch McConnell, and then he went downstairs to shoot some hoops for a while — using that idiot water mongrel as the “basketball.” [USA Today]

The First Hundred Days! Oh how we’ve talked about them, and even lived through them, although that’s never as good as talking about them. And now? We must assess. According to cable news and The Politico, which owns cable news, this has been a very tough, very disappointing, very humiliating 100 days for Mr. Socialist Kenyan Barack Obama. It’s amazing he has (barely) escaped impeachment, thus far. Also, teabaggng! America, at the teabag-roots level, has REVOLTED against this false president. And that’s why 72% of Americans heartily approve of this new administration. Wait, HUH? MORE »

Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district! MORE »

Oh here’s Mr. Teleprompter Snob, the president, who apparently thinks he’s president or something, the way he is photographed here in a common business suit. But who’s that hovering over his shoulder? Sure, it’s the real president from the 1790s, George Washington. And what is that hippie sort of ghost face on the left? Why that is Jesus Christ. And what in the hell is over Jesus the Christ’s head? Why that is Darth Vader. Barack Obama has no respect for our blurry forefathers, blurry fathers who have gone to the dark side after being chopped up by Obi-Wan Kenobi, and our fading religious figures. [White House/Pete Souza]

Now that teevee actor Sanjay Gupta has officially turned down the unwanted Commerce Department job of “surgeon general,” some people at the White House are saying, “Hey, what’s that other guy who was a doctor and had something or other to do with the Democrats? Why not him?” MORE »

America is ready for Change, and nothing could be more different from the Bush Era than good old-fashioned boy-meets-girl White House gossip. That’s why the hot Jon Favreau-Ali Campoverdi rumors are healing America’s butt-hurt psyche. Can a simple “Obama speechwriter dude hooks up with Obama staffer who also was photographed in her panties, for Maxim” story finally cure America from the awful mental image of whatever senior Bush Administration middle-aged white guy repeatedly fucking some fat gay hooker from a “conservative news website”? Christ we hope so. [Gawker]

Guess who wants to work for Barack Obama? Everyone! And maybe in a few years, once he has nationalized the couple of industries that haven’t already been nationalized and formed a WPA for singing madrigals and puppeteers, literally every American citizen will be his employee. But for the time being, most of the THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND people who applied for jobs with the Obama administration will probably not get hired. MORE »

Democratic Superstar Tom Vilsack nearly won the nomination, until he dropped out in … what, 2006? No, it was February 2007 — almost two years ago! And he endorsed Hillary. So she paid off his campaign debt, which wasn’t really very much as his campaign consisted solely of old props from a local high-school musical version of 1984. MORE »