Tag Archives: Obama

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Emboldened by last week’s victory for the rights of gun-humpers to be able to ALSO be able to hump bullets, Field Marshall Sarah Palin presses forward. She has offered the Kenyan tyrant Obama clear and simple terms: abolish the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), and we will spare you our screeching. And, instead of listening to her, the Kenyan tyrant sits alone in his empty palace, a place that collaborators and the weak-willed still call the White House, and he does NOTHING. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs…
  make yourself a nice bloody mary and sit with us

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!

Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won’t you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn’t all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.) Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!…
  Nowhere to run nowhere to hide

Get To Baby-Making, Duggars! Muslims To Outnumber You In Only 55 Years!

Hold on tight, Patriotic American Christians, for a calamity approacheth! The Pew Research Center has released a study that finds, if things keep going the way they are, there will be more Muslims than Christians in the world in 2070. You will be glad to know the Drudge Report is not freaking out over this or anything, naaaaah, they’re just posting a link to the story at the very top of their page, illustrated with a picture of a concerned little white girl who might be about to cry: Read more on Get To Baby-Making, Duggars! Muslims To Outnumber You In Only 55 Years!…
  Trollin' like a BOSS

Obama Rubs Obamacare In Republicans’ Faces Again, What A Bad Man!

President Obama can NOT shut up about how great his precious Affordable Care Act is, just because of how great his Affordable Care Act is. The White House has been in full Hells Yeah! celebration mode, in honor of the fifth anniversary of the law that is going to destroy the nation any day now, and then we’ll see who’s laughing, WON’T WE, AMERICA? (Spoiler: It’ll probably still be Obama.) Read more on Obama Rubs Obamacare In Republicans’ Faces Again, What A Bad Man!…
  in his majesty’s secret service … chug chug chug!

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of us — at least, like the rest of us did when we were drug-addled, brain-dead college freshman. Read more on Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!…
 

Obama Mentions Voting Rights At Selma, Conservatives Outraged Of Course

it's not playing the
On Saturday, your blackest president ever, Barack Obama, traveled to Selma, Alabama, to speak at the 50th anniversary commemoration of “Bloody Sunday,” when civil rights protesters were beaten by police when they walked across the Edmund Pettus Bridge. The events of Bloody Sunday and other protest marches in Alabama led directly to the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, so this is an excellent event to solemnly celebrate, and we are very happy that both Republicans and Democrats joined in attending the event, including former President George W. Bush and many congressional Republicans. Read more on Obama Mentions Voting Rights At Selma, Conservatives Outraged Of Course…
  keep your gubmint health care hippie

Marco Rubio’s Obamacare Alternative Sure Is Doing Swell, Has Tens Of Customers Now

He has ideas too, you know
Do you guys all remember the time Marco Rubio — Jeb Bush’s understudy to be the presidential candidate from Florida who loses to Queen Hillary Clinton — and his merry band of Florida Republicans were all like, man, fuck this Obamacare bullshit, we’ll do it ourselves, and went and set up their own rad alternative health care exchange, this thing called Florida Health Choices, where you could buy health insurance (or at least discount coupons for certain services) just as Jesus and Ayn Rand intended and no babies had to be ’borted. Read more on Marco Rubio’s Obamacare Alternative Sure Is Doing Swell, Has Tens Of Customers Now…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Sees Syria By The Seashore

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker.
This is the screengrab posted by the Sarah Palin Channel for her video about the fall of Yemen’s capital. We are not making this up, and for once, we are not portraying Palin in a light less flattering than the one she has cast upon herself. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Sees Syria By The Seashore…
  MORE DOOOOOOM!

Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead

Well! We are guessing if you are still with us, we don’t have to work too hard to get you up to speed. Things are a little bleak here in the Washington Bureau, where we are into our fifth hour of Fox News exposure. Come with us, Wonketteers, as we introduce you to the new world in front of you. Read more on Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
In the last seven days, the Sarah Palin Channel has published exactly nine minutes and twenty-eight seconds of content. Three minutes of that total is “Behind the Scenes” reels, one of which centers on Sarah going to a barn in North Carolina last year (it was Billy Graham’s barn, and it was a very boring visit). That means Palin’s team produced about six minutes of content in the last week, so yes, this is probably the laziest political grift we’ve ever covered in our short time as Yr Wonket. But by the same token, it is also the most ruthlessly efficient. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?…
  Fore More Years!

A Children’s Treasury Of Perfectly Sane Responses To Obama’s Lost Golf Ball

Golf is dumb
Barack Obama: golfing President, or golfing TYRANT!? That’s the hot question from the Top Conservatives on Twitter today, after Instagram user larrydoh found one of Obama’s errant shots in the woods at Congressional Country Club and then ‘grammed it for the world to see. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Perfectly Sane Responses To Obama’s Lost Golf Ball…
  pay to play

Why Not Let These Obama Campaign Guys Charge You Money To Let You Do Their Job?

Are you an Ambitious Young Person With Big Political Dreams? Probably not, because you are reading this blog, which most likely means that you are a disgruntled middle age-ish sort of person, because we mock the fuck out of millennials; also too we are not really all that sunshine and unicorns about politics, now are we? But let’s say you are that ambitious young person and you want to work on a campaign for the next Obama, or at least the next Omaha mayoral race. You’ve already likely prepared yourself for having to do the dirty work for free, but if you’re really committed, you should be preparing to throw down a cool $5K for the privilege of working on a campaign gratis, because that’s how you get ahead in life or something. Read more on Why Not Let These Obama Campaign Guys Charge You Money To Let You Do Their Job?…
  f*ck this guy

Louie Gohmert: Why Won’t Obama Stop Sex-Trafficking The Mexican Children?

President Obama can’t do anything right, especially when it comes to kids. For some reason, he will not personally fly to Nigeria to rescue kidnapped schoolgirls, probably because he is lazy. Or maybe it’s because he is pro-child sex trafficking. What, you didn’t know that Obama was totes cool with child sex trafficking? ARE YOU BLIND AND DEAF, SHEEPLE? Let’s let the most authoritative voice on immigration explain it to you: “When legal status and amnesty is talked about here in Washington, it becomes a magnet and draws people in. And for all of the children that are drawn in illegally, you know that some get sucked into sex slavery,” [Rep. Louie] Gohmert said Monday. LOGIC BOMB, BITCHEZZZ. You can’t argue with that. It is ironclad, impenetrable logic, so don’t even try to give it like eighty-four Pinocchios, PolitFascists! It’s clear that even talking about immigration reform makes kids come to the United States to be sex trafficked, leading to Gohmert’s new campaign slogan against immigration reform: Loose Lips Sink Ships Leads Directly to Child Sex Trafficking So Shut Up About It Already. He’s not a very poetic guy. Read more on Louie Gohmert: Why Won’t Obama Stop Sex-Trafficking The Mexican Children?…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Georgia Rep. Jack Kingston Pretty Fed Up With This ‘Research’ From This ‘Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’

In today’s latest example of why primary elections mean that we can’t have nice things, Georgia Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Waffle House) has decided that he is NOT losing his chance at Saxby Chambliss’s Senate seat just because he once said that there might be a way for research to guide public policy as it relates to firearms, no sir! Flashback to December 2012, following the CIA-Mossad false flag operation tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School, when the 2014 midterms were but a twinkle in the eye of long-serving members of the House, like Jack Kingston, who has represented southeastern Jaw-juh since FOREVER 1993. Back then, Kingston said this: less than a week after the Newtown shootings […] [Kingston] told a local TV station that he wanted to see more research done to understand mass shootings. “Let’s let the data lead rather than our political opinions.” Ah, but then B. Hussein Soetoro took time away from his busy schedule of Destroying Our Once Great Nation and agreed with Rep. Kingston! Obama slapped $10 million into his latest budget for additional research from the CDC, which is a slight improvement on the $0 CDC currently spends on gun violence research. And when Rep. Kingston — who chairs the Appropriations Committee — told his constituents, “I think we can find some common ground,” Beltway centrist types got super-excited, because bipartisanship gives these people a chubby. Read more on Georgia Rep. Jack Kingston Pretty Fed Up With This ‘Research’ From This ‘Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’…
  Slow Eddie

Boy, That Edward Snowden Really Screwed Up, Says Edward Snowden

Though it’s always nice to be right, we really wish we had been wrong about Edward Snowden. We wish that he truly had been the super-genius martyr for freedom depicted by his most fervent supporters — and, if we’re being honest, by Snowden himself, with his talk of “sacrificing himself” and “risking his life” and so on. But he is not a super-genius martyr. He’s a naive idealist who’s in way over his head. And now, to his credit, it looks like he’s finally ready to acknowledge this: Two sources close to him told the Daily Beast that he “instantly regretted” his appearance on Russian state TV to ask shirtless Russian godhead Vladimir “the Botox Fox” Putin a softball question about Russia’s security apparatus, to which Putin naturally responded with transparent, regime-serving lies. “It certainly didn’t go as he would’ve hoped,” one of these sources said. “I don’t think there’s any shame in saying that he made an error in judgment.” Nope, no shame in that! But where, then, is the shame? Let’s find the shame. Read more on Boy, That Edward Snowden Really Screwed Up, Says Edward Snowden…
  clipbait

Jimmy Fallon Recreates Actual Obama-Putin Phone Call, Including The Songs

For your Clipbait this morning we bring you this important Geopolitical Satire about the continuing crisis in Ukraine, which the Daily Caller hails as an unprecedented slam against Obamacare and a scathing attack on “Obama’s feckless handling of Ukraine.” Which is to say that there is a joke in the sketch about Obamacare being unpopular. Damn, at this rate, it’s only a matter of time until Fallon just has Dennis Miller on the show all the time. Read more on Jimmy Fallon Recreates Actual Obama-Putin Phone Call, Including The Songs…
  doody river

Washed Up Sad Man Entertainer Pat Boone Quite Sure Obama Out To Destroy Him

“Who is Pat Boone?” No, we are not misquoting Ayn Rand’s pulp philosophy novel; we sincerely asked this when this very important National Enquirer story came down the chute because we are young and have been spared too much exposure to the crap culture of bygone years by loving parents and role models. (A Pat Boone primer for sheltered millenials will follow the “news hook” part of this post.) For those of you who already know who is Pat Boone, here is what Pat Boone told the National Enquirer: “We’re obviously being targeted,” said the 79-year-old singer, actor and writer. “This is still America, where people can still meet in their homes and talk freely. But conservatives like myself are being singled out by the Obama administration. “Obama is the boss and they are doing things under his aegis. The administration is trying to intimidate people and ridicule anyone who does not agree with them.” Singled out! Doing things! Aegis! Yep, you guessed it: IRS tyranny strikes again! Read more on Washed Up Sad Man Entertainer Pat Boone Quite Sure Obama Out To Destroy Him…
  this time they're super serious you guys

One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper

Oh my God, you guys, get ready to pack up your sex toys and hobo beans and flee to the Mexican refugee camps, because Real America™ has had ENOUGH with this Marxo-Islamunist bull hockey in Washington, and is coming for your SOULLSSSS. Girt in the armor of righteousness, but not carrying the AR-15 of the Lord, an estimated* 10 to 30 million nonviolent supporters of Bible-based Constitutional government plan to descend on the nation’s capital on May 16, and hang around until Barack Hussein Obama, Eric Holder, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the worst RINOs in Congress quit out of embarrassment. Then, as called for in organizer Harry Riley’s understanding of the Constitution, a new President and congressional leadership will Take America Back to, we dunno, 2008? Some time when the president didn’t go around ordering the IRS to hire New Black Panthers to kill our ambassadors at the behest of Vladimir Putin, whenever that was. Read more on One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper…
  wward: what would ann richards do?

Ted Nugent Will Poop On Wendy Davis Like She Is His Underwear In The Vietnam Draft

We don’t know much about Texas politics, and we don’t want to. But it strikes us as maybe a bit desperate of Republican gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott to be campaigning with Ted Nugent, the terminally conservative guitar man of “Obama is a sub-human mongrel” fame, and Hillary Clinton “should ride my machine gun” fame, and “I will either be dead or in jail” if Obama wins re-election fame, and “I will poop in my pants to avoid fighting in Vietnam” (paraphrased) fame, and other fames. He is quite famous, for being simply awful, and also playing guitar pretty good. This race hasn’t been polled in a while, but RCP had Abbott up by about 10% in November, and that was before Wendy Davis was a terrible liar because she was only a dirt poor single mother for a while before she wasn’t anymore, on account of getting married, like conservatives say poor ladies should do, then getting divorced, which conservatives do all the time, just like everyone else. We can’t find trouble for Abbott in the polls, except for this one: The Wonkette Poll Of Is There Any Reason To Campaign With Ted Nugent In A Statewide Race Unless You Are In Serious Trouble? A full 100% of respondents said “Hell no, you crazy?!” (Sample size: 1.) Read more on Ted Nugent Will Poop On Wendy Davis Like She Is His Underwear In The Vietnam Draft…
  the wages of sin

Mean New York Lady Judge Tells Strip Club Lap Dances Are Taxable

Sorry, New York City strip club aficionados, but you are probably going to be shelling out a bit more coin to naked ladies who pretend to like you for a few moments, because the New York State Division of Tax Appeals recently ruled that lap dances are not artistic performances and are therefore taxable. Read more on Mean New York Lady Judge Tells Strip Club Lap Dances Are Taxable…
  the thrill of victory and the agony of maureen dowd

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition

Maybe you missed that there’s a sporting competition/clash of nations going on, so the NYT will make sure you have one million Olympics words to read. You think you don’t need to read those words because you already saw everything on TV, but you misunderestimate the NYT for their ability to run quirky pieces that get little details no one else does. Take, for instance, their piece on yesterday’s women’s mogul race. Did you watch moguls yesterday? Moguls are ridic, what with the skiing over horrifying enormous bumps and then also too needing to do flippy shit off of ramps mid-run. There was an American favorite in the race, Hannah Kearney, that you could not escape hearing about because American. The NYT covers a bit of that, but then goes on to tell you things like what music they played at the event. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition…
  open wide

Obama Will Not Stop Trying To Cram A Gay Black Judge Down Marco Rubio’s Throat

Last year, Barack Obama began his unending quest to ram Florida’s tender throat with an openly gay black judge, but Marco Rubio intervened and saved all of Florida, hallelujah Jesus be praised, because if one of the Senators from the nominee’s state doesn’t like him, that’s a nomination killer. Rubio blocked state court judge William Thomas but definitely not because he was gay you guys. It was totally because of how he was all lenient in a couple criminal cases except for the part where the prosecutor supported his sentence in one case and everyone was ultimately convicted anyway in the other one. Eventually, even though the backlog of cases in federal courts is fucking absurd, Bamz withdrew Thomas’s nomination. Hooray! The scourge of teh ghey would torment Florida no more and the people rejoiced and were glad for a brief and shining moment until Obama nominated yet another homosexxican blah person to judge Florida. Read more on Obama Will Not Stop Trying To Cram A Gay Black Judge Down Marco Rubio’s Throat…