Tag Archives: Obama

  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Surprised he didn’t rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain. Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. You have questions, we have answers. Read more on Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names…
  When the levee breaks Jindal will still be A Idiot

Bobby Jindal Begs Obama Not To Say Dumb Climate Change Stuff On Katrina Anniversary

Obama probably shouldn't mention weather either.
Obama probably shouldn’t mention weather either. Big anniversary happening on Saturday! Ten years ago, Hurricane Katrina made landfall in Louisiana, and the storm and the levee breaches it caused altered the course of history for New Orleans and surrounding areas. And, as governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal knows the city is in danger again, this time from that foreigner president of ours. What if Obama gallivants into New Orleans and says, “Climate change is real,” or “Science exists,” or “Bobby Jindal is a fucking moron”? Something had to be done, so Jindal writed hisself a letter to the president, explaining that the topic of climate change makes him uncomfortable, so please do not say mean words like that: Read more on Bobby Jindal Begs Obama Not To Say Dumb Climate Change Stuff On Katrina Anniversary…
  He's equal opportunity

Ben Carson Will Protect Jews, No Matter What Religion They Are

Thinking about how to protect Jewish people.
Protector of the Jews, even if they’re not Jewish. Hey, remember that time “presidential candidate” Ben Carson got all confused about Israel’s system of government, and why don’t they just do a normal Congress with a Senate and a House and a Democrat Party and a Republican Party, like American countries do? Well, why don’t they? Why the Jewishes gotta be all confusing with multiple “parties” and foreign nerd words like “Knesset”? It’s just too much, and Ben Carson did that thing where he separated conjoined twins at the head that one time, so he knows when stuff is TOO complicated. Read more on Ben Carson Will Protect Jews, No Matter What Religion They Are…
  Probably

Wingnut Just Asking If Maybe Obama Is BFFs With Kenyan Demon Who Lives Inside Of Him

'S okay, he's a nice demon like Anya.
WorldNetDaily, that arbiter of reasonable news reporting and speculation ONLY when based on sound evidence, has a question: Did Barack Obama take his own personal demon to Kenya with him, and was it caught on camera getting off Air Force One at the same time Obama deplaned, and do they travel with each other often, and is this why flies sometimes land on Obama’s nose, and does the demon tell him what to do, and does this mean that Obama is the antichrist, and what is the demon’s name, and how long has he been personally controlling America’s president, and why can’t I ever wake up in the morning without being followed around by all these BIRDS! BIRDS! BIRDS! They’re everywhere! Can’t you see them? They have claws and fangs and they say the government is collecting data through the toilet when I pee! No, don’t take me to the hospital again, I’ll never come back! Read more on Wingnut Just Asking If Maybe Obama Is BFFs With Kenyan Demon Who Lives Inside Of Him…
  Unofficial birthday itinerary

Happy 54th, President Obama! You’re Still The Kenyan Muslim Infiltrator OF OUR HEARTS!

Happy birthday, you young thing!
On this day 54 years ago, the long foretold Barack Hussein Obama was born in a remote field in Indokenyamuslimstan, the love child of the Prophet Muhammad and Beyoncé, who is a lot older than she looks. Everybody was so excited! Three wise men came from afar, not bearing gifts, but simply a scroll containing the Illuminati’s plan for how the baby boy would one day infiltrate US America and turn it gay, for Marxism. And then he grew up and the prophecies were fulfilled! Well, most of them anyway. He still has to do the part where he takes away all the guns and declares himself president of America forever, times infinity. Read more on Happy 54th, President Obama! You’re Still The Kenyan Muslim Infiltrator OF OUR HEARTS!…
  Loser! Loser! Loser!

White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe

I AM THE DUMMEST AND I BREATHE OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas is a No Pants, Grade-A Twat-sicle, and the White House knows it. He THINKS he went to Vienna and did a top secret investigation to uncover all kinds of shady side deals Obama did with Iran, like maybe he promised the Iranians could bomb one American city per year, as long as it’s a little bomb and not a nuke. Of course, Ambassador Susan Rice had already explained to young Cotton that the side deals are not a secret, and that if he will just stop playing with his winkie in front of the class and sit still, he will get to go to the big boy congressional briefing, where they will tell him ALL about it. But that’s not good enough for Cotton, because on top of not knowing his place, he’s so dumb you could store all your dildos inside his skull cavity and still have room for TruckNutz. Read more on White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe…
  Ooh he mad!

Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!

We're guessing Perry looked a bit like this delivering his remarks.
Guess former Texas governor and current GOP clown car rumble seat occupant Rick Perry doesn’t like being called the second biggest stupid in the world, just behind Sen. Lindsey Graham. In a speech delivered Wednesday to some cohort of idiots assembled by his super PAC, Perry thought he’d set the record straight on who is the real idiot, and also who is destroying the Republican Party, and also who is literal ass cancer embodied in human Republican form. Surprise, it is Donald Trump! Read more on Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!…
  Burning questions

Sen. Jim Inhofe’s Imaginary Friend Dying To Know Where Transgender Troops Will Go Potty

Using this picture because NEVER FORGET LOL
Recently we learned that, since Obama has finished cramming gay marriage into America’s throat, he’s going to cram transgender people into the military, even though they’re already there and have been since forever. And this is posing quite a pickle of a conundrum for this one imaginary 10-year-old buddy of Oklahoma Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Snowballs). Which pisser will all those transgender people use? Read more on Sen. Jim Inhofe’s Imaginary Friend Dying To Know Where Transgender Troops Will Go Potty…
  Him smart

Jeb Bush No Like Big Words

He's just a simple caveman candidate
At long last we have an explanation for why Jeb! Bush fucks it up so bad every time he’s asked to answer a question. BECAUSE WORDS IS HARD AND TOUGH. Big words with syllables are for ineffective fancypants elitists like Barack Obama and John Kerry and Hillary Clinton, whereas little words, like the kinds Jeb! and his brother use, are good. He explained this in the same interview in which he said Americans wouldn’t be so poor if we just worked a million more hours per day: Read more on Jeb Bush No Like Big Words…
  All the tears

South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness

It was thiiiiis big!
The South Carolina Senate voted Tuesday to remove the Confederate Flag from the state Capitol grounds, sending the bill to the state House, and hopefully, eventually, to Gov. Nikki Haley’s desk. This is very bothersome for state Sen. Lee Bright (R-No Shit), who just doesn’t see why we’re spending all this time talking about the Confederate Flag, not when the FLAG OF GAY HOMOSEXUAL ABOMINATION is currently flying over the ENTIRETY OF AMERICA. Bright, who is Ted Cruz’s campaign co-chair for South Carolina (obviously), melted all the way down into a pile of shouty Southern fire and brimstone wingnut tears as he explained on the state Senate floor just how much God hates America now: Read more on South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness…
  here's the church here's the steeple open the doors and see all the oy vey

Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals

King of the Jews
Hey Jewish people, how was your weekend? Did you go to Jew Church and get very upset because you don’t want President Obama to force your Jew Church to do gay weddings? OBVIOUSLY YOU DID. But don’t worry anymore, because when he is president, Ted Cruz will shut all that down and your Jew Church will be safe forever, PRAISE JESUS! Cruz explained his worries to fellow sane person Glenn Beck last Thursday: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals…
  MAYBE an EEOC employer?

HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions

Or the next best thing?
GAY MARRIAGE CREATES JOBS, thanks, Obama! Positions have recently opened up in the clerk’s office in Decatur County, Tennessee. Three former employees, including County Clerk Gwen Pope, recently vacated the premises upon discovering that the entire world had come crashing down upon them, rendering them unable to perform their daily tasks, which consist of paperwork, gossiping with the sheriff about them varmints what got caught over near Bible Hill up to no good, and issuing the occasional marriage license. However, nine unelected black-robed lawyers, none of them from around here, obviously, have decided to overturn the Sincerely Held Desire To Discriminate Religious Beliefs of true God-fearing Jesus-Americans, setting up a situation where Lloyd who is kind of “funny” can march up into the office and demand to marry one of his “friends.” Read more on HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions…
  More gay 9/11 coming apparently

Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display

Just gonna put this here one more time.
On Friday night, after the historic Supreme Court decision where Justice Anthony Kennedy destroyed all heterosexual marriages by letting gays in on the institution, the White House gave us ALL THE FEELS by turning rainbow-colored for the night. The display had been planned for months, which proves President Obama is in the tank for Big Homo, and it was A Good Thing. Indeed, President Obama called it “a moment worth savoring,” even though he had to watch it on teevee, due to presidents are not allowed to play outside after dark. Read more on Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display…
  the apocalypse starts right here right now

Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup

The South Gon’ Rise Again (in a not-racist way this time, honest)
Greeting, Wonketteers. Are you ready to take a well-deserved break from your buttsechs gay marriage orgies and sojourn with me down to Your Very Favorite Land of Snakes and Swamps, a dystopian hellscape that not even Wes Anderson could make adorable? Sure you are! Let’s get to it. Read more on Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup…
  Bow down bitches

Use These 5 Black Hippity-Hop Songs To Oppress Sean Hannity’s Lily-White Ass

Sean Hannity knows these are the faces of the True Oppressors.
What is WRONG with Sean Hannity? No, we mean besides the obvious things like his incompletely formed sense of his own masculinity. Hannity had a MELTDOWN over the Confederate Flag on his radio show Wednesday. You see, if retailers are going to get rid of the Confederate flag, he is FINE WITH THAT, but fair’s fair, and they should also ban all that blackity-black music the kids like to twerk to. Right? Because if the Confederate flag is hurtful to black people because of its racist, murderous implications — thanks solely to confessed white supremacist murderer Dylann Roof and for no other reasons at all — then surely rappers who use the N-word in their music are hurting black people just as much as some dumb flag is, right? Read more on Use These 5 Black Hippity-Hop Songs To Oppress Sean Hannity’s Lily-White Ass…
  Victory lap!

President Obama: I Will Never Stop Cramming Obamacare Down America’s Throat

Sexy stoic president will give you tender-loving Obamacare.
Thursday, the Supreme Court ruled, YET AGAIN, that Obamacare is just fine and dandy and great, even if Congress did a really bad job of making all their subjects and verbs agree when they wrote the damn thing. So can we please stop talking about this now? One person who does not want to stop talking about it is President Obama, who decided to ride around the White House lawn on his victory steed, alternately shouting things like “Suck it so hard, haters!” and “I am the best at Presidenting!” and “Look, Michelle, no hands!” Read more on President Obama: I Will Never Stop Cramming Obamacare Down America’s Throat…