Wonkette

So people have this crazy concoction that private security force Blackwater likes to go around Baghdad and shoot people for no apparent reason. What a silly billy thing to say! Obviously, they shoot people — or animals — that piss them off, which is like half-legal for private contractors in Iraq. The New York Times has certainly been pissing Blackwater off every since the whole “massacre” thing by, you know, chronicling very clearly how in-the-wrong Blackwater was. And how does Blackwater respond to the Times‘ ballbusting? BY SHOOTING ITS DOG. MORE »

Obviously the best part of today’s much poo-pooed New York Times Magazine profile of Mike Huckabee was this little before and after picture. Specifically, the before part. But if these adorable fat pictures are the only reasons to like teh Huckbeez, his suggestion for secretary of Defense is the latest in a million reasons to fear him. MORE »

This is bogus malogus! Wonkette gave like three months and several seasons dirty sex names because the G.O.P. was touching voters. And by “voters” we mean “penises of little boys.” Silly NYT, always having some liberal sorta bias thingy and whatnot. [NYT]

Hilariousness part 1: A new New York Times/CBS poll finds voters credit the presidential candidates “with spending more time explaining what they would do as president rather than attacking their opponents.” Hilariousness part 2: “Hillary Clinton was viewed as running the most positive campaign of the leading Democratic candidates.” [The Caucus]

Why, it was for doing little boys! Eugene A. Evans, leader of the Berkeley Sea Scouts for 35 years, was arrested last Tuesday after four little boys told investigators they had played tummysticks with him. Evans, who once sued the city of Berkeley for being nice to gay people, faces 19 counts of kiddie-fucking. But that doesn’t mean he’s gay! Or a pervert! He totally likes the ladiesssss, and stuff. MORE »

So you know how the CIA destroyed tapes of [fun and happy!] interrogations of al Qaeda operatives in 2005? Well some Demrats like Ted Kennedy and Dick Durbin having already called for Michael Mukasey to lead an investigation, which will obviously never happen. There’s a war going on, people! Anyway, the would-be scandal’s served White House Press Secretary Dana Perino another heaping pile of shit to eat in an already dense week, and she was the antithesis of informative today. The count for her most commonly used phrases today was: “I don’t know” — seven times; “decline to comment/not commenting” — 10 times; and “still gathering facts/gather the facts” — 11 times. So this little deletey situation should get cleared up right quick. [White House, NYT] MORE »

President Bush held a press conference today in the wake of the newly released National Intelligence Estimate on Iran, which concluded that Iran had stopped its nuclear weapons program in 2003. Bush took this great news as a “‘warning signal’ of a continuing threat from Iran.” So we’re at a point now where a massive intelligence report says Iran is not making nukes, and Bush responds with they are going to nuke us tomorrow. [NYT]

Barbra “who gives a shit” Streisand endorsed Hillary Clinton today. “We truly are in a momentous time, where a woman’s potential has no limitations… [Clinton has] transcended the dictates for what is thought to be possible for our time.” Yeah, who could’ve imagined someone would sell pardons so easily this day and age! [The Caucus]

Are the moms of the world listening? Here’s an easier way for you to become an political protester than camping outside Bush’s house in Crawford, Texas: Get better at bridge. Then you can play in the world bridge championships, win, and post a sign expressing your geopolitical opinions! According to the New York Times, one sassy mom-type did just that in Shanghai last month. After winning some lady championship, the victorious American team held up a sign saying “We Did Not Vote For Bush,” in Paultardian budget fashion. And now everybody’s pissed off, up is down, black is white etc. etc. MORE »

For seven long, horrible years, we could at least count on Laura Bush staying out of the way and letting her clever husband and his henchmen destroy the planet. She was like the Mrs. Cleaver of Hell — and America slept just a little better knowing that the various Bush family members knew their place, if nothing else. We wouldn’t wake up to learn Laura hadn’t bombed Iran or flooded New Orleans. But in the awful twilight of the Bush Administration, it appears our First Lady of Oppression is no longer content to load up on Xanax and smile creepily through the president’s speeches. Meet the new, activist first lady. MORE »

“I saw that Onion thing about Rudy running for president of 9/11, too, and once again I have been to China.” [New York Times]