One sad Oklahoma church won’t be giving away a very special semiautomatic assault rifle to one lucky boy or girl who loves the Lord. The Windsor Hills Baptist Church is holding a youth conference next week, which will feature “21 hours of preaching and teaching.” A shootin’ contest was also on the docket until the gentleman running the sacred event had to stay home because of “bone spurs on his foot” or somesuch (that is what they say in this video, here) so now the winner won’t get an AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle, and Jesus weeps. [KOCO Oklahoma City]

So yeah, apparently the Hays code or whatever prevents you from saying “nuts” on the teevee unless you mean “crazy” or “consumable food items that come in shells.” So if you are Wolf Blitzer, you rattle on about the horrifying crudity of a particular phrase that Jesse Jackson uttered, and then you make all your guests kind of stumble around awkwardly about “things only a man would have,” so that Americans everywhere turn to each other and ask, “Is he talking about cum rags?” [236.com]

So Jesse Jackson asked Barack Obama to teabag him or something; we don’t know yet. Anyway, here’s a statement from Jesse Jackson Jr., a national co-chair of Barack Obama’s campaign as well Jesse Jackson’s terrible son:

“I’m deeply outraged and disappointed in Reverend Jackson’s reckless statements about Senator Barack Obama. His divisive and demeaning comments about the presumptive Democratic nominee — and I believe the next president of the United States — contradict his inspiring and courageous career. …Instead of tearing others down, Barack Obama wants to build the country up and bring people together so that we can move forward, together — as one nation. The remarks like those uttered on Fox by Reverend Jackson do not advance the campaign’s cause of building a more perfect Union.”

Racist. [WP/The Trail]

And South Dakota Clinton supporter Cheryl Chamberlain takes the lead in the “Small Town Voters Who Shouldn’t Ever Talk To The Media” contest: “I won’t vote for Obama… You go on the Internet and see him associated with that church, with the Koran. He won’t wear a flag pin. … After 9/11, there is absolutely no way I’d support someone who is associated with the Koran. I won’t support terrorism.” In case you don’t get it, that mental leap chain is: Obama –> Internet –> Church –> Koran –> No Flag Pin –> 9/11 –> Koran –> Terrorist. [LA Times]

We have some epic Crazy right here. This is the “anti-Wright,” Rev. James Manning, famous for calling Obama a “mac daddy” and a “pimp” in a variety of highly comical YouTubes. In this one he describes the Trinity of Hell: Oprah Winfrey (a “struggling actor and radio talk show host” and “suspected lesbian”), Rev. Jeremiah Wright (”a closet homosexual”), and Barack Hussein Obama (also “a closet homosexual” and “a long-legged pimp”). Why did Barry stay in the church for 20 years, Rev. Manning? Well, you can probably guess his answer. [YouTube]

What happens when your editors get so many Nutty McNutball emails in a single day? We are forced to launch Email of the Night, a tragic new feature that will put a much-needed spotlight on America’s people who should go to bed and stop sending the hotmails. Now let’s welcome our first guest on the Long Couch of Problems. MORE »

Remember this wacky guy who proposed to Hillary? Well, it turns out he’s a 20-year-old nut who is also obsessed with dead Mexican singing star Selena (who got killed by a nut). [Rural Votes: The Field]

Some sort of psychic nut has sent out a press release announcing the results of the 2008 election, and pretty much everything that happens after that. So, we’re done, folks! Thanks for reading. Enjoy the future:

Good afternoon! Hillary Clinton will be vice president before she is president. Not only that, but she will be sworn in as president when the male president either dies in office or is forced to step down due to serious health issues. These are among the 2008 presidential election predictions from Victoria lynn Weston, a nationally known intuitive psychic consultant.

Some Southern Baptist dude insists that James Dobson was totally off-base when he said religious nuts shouldn’t vote for Fred Thompson just because he never goes to church, ever (and lies about it) and doesn’t necessarily want to stone all the gays. ‘Cause he’s kinda like Reagan! Yes we just wanted an excuse to use this image. Who made it and why, we have no clue. Creepy tho! Just like our Fred! [CBN]

Judith Giuliani used to be a poor gal from a small Pennsylvania town, but she clawed her way up and over the corpses of various ex-husbands until she found New York fascist mayor Rudy G. and tore apart his family so she could finally be the first lady of 9/11. That’s the gist of this long Vanity Fair story about the former Judi Ann Stish who left home with nothing more than cheap lipstick case in need of so many, many notches. Also: MORE »

* Man shoots own nuts. [stop, blog and roll]
* “APRIL 3, 2007 should be remembered as one of the worst in the history of the DC Council. That body not only voted initial approval of the anti-democratic takeover of the school system, it also gave sports corporado Abe Pollin a $50 million gift, approved the nomination of a new police chief with no visible concern over her involvement in the torture of protesters and declared mandatory for young girls a vaccine that has not been adequately tested.” [Sam Smith's City Desk]
* “Virginia’s House of Delegates today rejected a statewide smoking ban in bars and restaurants by a vote of 40-59.” [The Green Miles]
* “I think I have a crush on Jason Wilson, the Post’s new Spirits columnist. I love his voice. His columns reflect a Washington food and drinking scene that’s as fresh as those of us who live here know it is. This week subject: Cynar.” [Counter Intelligence]
* “Only 5 days left to purchase tickets for the Taste of the Nation event on April 9th.” [DC Foodies]