Wonkette

For those of you at your very professional workplaces, here is the text of Sarah Palin’s latest verbal feat of derring-do: “What do they [The Liberals!] think? Do they think the terrorists have all the sudden become the good guys and changed their minds? No, the terrorists still seek to destroy America and her allies and all that it is that we stand for: freedom, tolerance, and equality. The terrorists have not changed their minds.” We at Wonkette do, in fact, believe that the terrorists have become the good guys. You can see Osama & Pals doing Habitat for Humanity work in the streets of any major American city. Planting new trees, picking up trash. Can’t anyone get a second chance, Sarah? [HuffPo]

KDKA in Pittsburgh reports this BREAKING NEWS item: “A Pittsburgh police commander says a volunteer for the McCain campaign who reported being robbed and attacked near a bank ATM in Bloomfield has confessed to making up the story. Police say charges will be filed.” Ah HA HA HA HAH HAH. Do not try to bullshit Wonkette, people! It might work on old Gullible McDrudge, but not here. Good work, cut-nut! [KDKA]

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Good gravy, this is the saddest act of “vandalism” we have ever seen. Some loser took a few printouts of paranoid AOL commenter-style talking points (big demerits for not using ALL CAPS, though, nut!) and carefully taped them to the windows of an Obama supporter’s minivan. This is how people brawl over politics in Silicon Valley, or what we call “America’s Canada.” Another photo after the jump. MORE »

The brave mayor of some little South Carolina suburb has been very busy forwarding everybody some emails (and probably this old Wonkette post) about whether that colored fellow Barack Obama is perhaps some creature sent by The Devil to have a mythological war with Dead Jesus — you know, the Anti-Christ! MORE »

Everybody in California’s 26th congressional district got this crazy-ass ALL CAPS hand-written freakout from beloved conservative bachelor David Dreier today. You can read the second page of ALL CAPS “MUST DRILL 4 OIL AT SEA WORLD OR ISLAMO FASCISTS WILL KILL KILL KILL” in the comments of basically all blogs everywhere.

One sad Oklahoma church won’t be giving away a very special semiautomatic assault rifle to one lucky boy or girl who loves the Lord. The Windsor Hills Baptist Church is holding a youth conference next week, which will feature “21 hours of preaching and teaching.” A shootin’ contest was also on the docket until the gentleman running the sacred event had to stay home because of “bone spurs on his foot” or somesuch (that is what they say in this video, here) so now the winner won’t get an AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle, and Jesus weeps. [KOCO Oklahoma City]

So yeah, apparently the Hays code or whatever prevents you from saying “nuts” on the teevee unless you mean “crazy” or “consumable food items that come in shells.” So if you are Wolf Blitzer, you rattle on about the horrifying crudity of a particular phrase that Jesse Jackson uttered, and then you make all your guests kind of stumble around awkwardly about “things only a man would have,” so that Americans everywhere turn to each other and ask, “Is he talking about cum rags?” [236.com]

So Jesse Jackson asked Barack Obama to teabag him or something; we don’t know yet. Anyway, here’s a statement from Jesse Jackson Jr., a national co-chair of Barack Obama’s campaign as well Jesse Jackson’s terrible son:

“I’m deeply outraged and disappointed in Reverend Jackson’s reckless statements about Senator Barack Obama. His divisive and demeaning comments about the presumptive Democratic nominee — and I believe the next president of the United States — contradict his inspiring and courageous career. …Instead of tearing others down, Barack Obama wants to build the country up and bring people together so that we can move forward, together — as one nation. The remarks like those uttered on Fox by Reverend Jackson do not advance the campaign’s cause of building a more perfect Union.”

Racist. [WP/The Trail]

And South Dakota Clinton supporter Cheryl Chamberlain takes the lead in the “Small Town Voters Who Shouldn’t Ever Talk To The Media” contest: “I won’t vote for Obama… You go on the Internet and see him associated with that church, with the Koran. He won’t wear a flag pin. … After 9/11, there is absolutely no way I’d support someone who is associated with the Koran. I won’t support terrorism.” In case you don’t get it, that mental leap chain is: Obama –> Internet –> Church –> Koran –> No Flag Pin –> 9/11 –> Koran –> Terrorist. [LA Times]

We have some epic Crazy right here. This is the “anti-Wright,” Rev. James Manning, famous for calling Obama a “mac daddy” and a “pimp” in a variety of highly comical YouTubes. In this one he describes the Trinity of Hell: Oprah Winfrey (a “struggling actor and radio talk show host” and “suspected lesbian”), Rev. Jeremiah Wright (”a closet homosexual”), and Barack Hussein Obama (also “a closet homosexual” and “a long-legged pimp”). Why did Barry stay in the church for 20 years, Rev. Manning? Well, you can probably guess his answer. [YouTube]